I'm staying because I'm looking for the right time to leave

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

hi stayorleave15

i also understand what youre going through,the pain of a dysfunctional relationship.

to me it always felt like i have him but i still want him.like perhaps he's dangling something important out of my reach.

i used to feel i could never be out of love with this man,he literally swept me off my feet,made me feel like i was the only one for him,that he was my very own,a guy so in tuned to my feelings that we could never be apart or out of love.

and then bam... .a day four moths into our magical r/s, i was accused of cheating,raged at,shouted,told to get lost,blamed for making him miserable from the start,told that he had always suspected me of cheating,that he didnt love me,horrible things that i couldnt accept at first,

then i thought maybe he had a problem,a psychotic break had happened and off course i must and definitely would help him,then he would be alright and again be my own,he would apologize.for why else would he behave this way. but the behaviour never stopped,it was as if a dam had let out the bitterness,anger,a mask of love and support.the verball abusing occured after every two days over some trivial thing.i was shouted at and told i was a loser,followed by him crying and telling me he loved me every time.

bit by bit it literally chipped away on my feelings

the hope i had for us started fading and stopped

i didnt realize when i stopped caring,when i stopped feeling guilt and hurt over things like 'why didnt you tell me you were going to the loo,i was calling you,do you think im your bloody servant... my love just,literally,got smothered and squashed out.

im staying because im looking for the right time to leave,apart from admitting to our friends and family that i never told them how faked up and hollow our r/s was from the inside and they were happy for absolutely nothing (i never shared those feelings,im too much of an introvert)

also he threatens suicide... .trying to figure out what to do about that,i still care about him,but i cannot live my life with the neglect,abuse,rages,fights,already saw that with my parents...

i also learned my lesson on the saying if its too good to be true... well then

i dont know if everyone gets there,but i hope for your sake,you keep on loving your girlfriend,and it gets better and whole for you

but if you dont want to,then give it time... .the insult and neglect will overcome the feelings of love,and you will wonder why you ever dreamt... .i hope you recover,whatever happens,that you find happiness and a better way to work things out. hugs

[stuckgirl]

hi stayorleave15

i also understand what youre going through,the pain of a dysfunctional relationship.

to me it always felt like i have him but i still want him.like perhaps he's dangling something important out of my reach.

i used to feel i could never be out of love with this man,he literally swept me off my feet,made me feel like i was the only one for him,that he was my very own,a guy so in tuned to my feelings that we could never be apart or out of love.

and then bam... .a day four moths into our magical r/s, i was accused of cheating,raged at,shouted,told to get lost,blamed for making him miserable from the start,told that he had always suspected me of cheating,that he didnt love me,horrible things that i couldnt accept at first,

then i thought maybe he had a problem,a psychotic break had happened and off course i must and definitely would help him,then he would be alright and again be my own,he would apologize.for why else would he behave this way. but the behaviour never stopped,it was as if a dam had let out the bitterness,anger,a mask of love and support.the verball abusing occured after every two days over some trivial thing.i was shouted at and told i was a loser,followed by him crying and telling me he loved me every time.

bit by bit it literally chipped away on my feelings

the hope i had for us started fading and stopped

i didnt realize when i stopped caring,when i stopped feeling guilt and hurt over things like 'why didnt you tell me you were going to the loo,i was calling you,do you think im your bloody servant... my love just,literally,got smothered and squashed out.

im staying because im looking for the right time to leave,apart from admitting to our friends and family that i never told them how faked up and hollow our r/s was from the inside and they were happy for absolutely nothing (i never shared those feelings,im too much of an introvert)

also he threatens suicide... .trying to figure out what to do about that,i still care about him,but i cannot live my life with the neglect,abuse,rages,fights,already saw that with my parents...

i also learned my lesson on the saying if its too good to be true... well then

i dont know if everyone gets there,but i hope for your sake,you keep on loving your girlfriend,and it gets better and whole for you

but if you dont want to,then give it time... .the insult and neglect will overcome the feelings of love,and you will wonder why you ever dreamt... .i hope you recover,whatever happens,that you find happiness and a better way to work things out. hugs

[Narellan]

Stuck girl quote "im staying because im looking for the right time to leave", there will never be a right time to leave. And the longer you wait the harder it will be. If you ve chosen that path you need to be courageous and walk it.

There will always be reasons/ excuses whatever day it is.

What exactly are you waiting for?

Peace to you. I hope you find it 

[stuckgirl]

Stuck girl quote "im staying because im looking for the right time to leave", there will never be a right time to leave. And the longer you wait the harder it will be. If you ve chosen that path you need to be courageous and walk it.

There will always be reasons/ excuses whatever day it is.

What exactly are you waiting for?

Peace to you. I hope you find it 

i guess im procrastinating,im sure im afraid of facing his psychological breakdown when i tell him,afraid,and afraid for him as well.he keeps threatening suicide and how can i not take that seriously.

im putting distance between us and we hardly see each other so he can disengage better and so can i.

to sum it up,im scared

[willtimeheal]

Stuck girl quote "im staying because im looking for the right time to leave", there will never be a right time to leave. And the longer you wait the harder it will be. If you ve chosen that path you need to be courageous and walk it.

There will always be reasons/ excuses whatever day it is.

What exactly are you waiting for?

Peace to you. I hope you find it 

i guess im procrastinating,im sure im afraid of facing his psychological breakdown when i tell him,afraid,and afraid for him as well.he keeps threatening suicide and how can i not take that seriously.

im putting distance between us and we hardly see each other so he can disengage better and so can i.

to sum it up,im scared

Stuckgirl

Threatening suicide is a way they keep your power. Mine not only threatened it but tried it.   You have to realize that you are not responsible for their actions. You can't control how others act but you can control your reaction. You need to walk because it is what is best and right for you. Focus on you and your needs. Whatever he decides to do after you leave is his decision. You are not responsible for his decisions. Walk away.

[stuckgirl]

I plan to do it,i really do,but i have a serious case of of the nightmare can be lived tomorrow, why live it today.thats in my mind,but i actually would do it in a wink,without doubts really if i didnt know how horrified i'd feel if he did something to himself,or dissociated or had a breakdown of some sort.

I want to talk to his family,as bad as that sounds,tell them he has been threatening suicide... .at least then,i would have made sure a little that i at least tried to do the little i could do after ruining his life.because even if i know how abusive our r/s has been,how unfair and painful,that is what the guilt will cause me to feel.

[stuckgirl]

So im behaving like a coward.

[Narellan]

Stuck girl you are living in fear obligation and guilt FOG

If you stay you will become ill and perhaps suicidal. You will be drawn further into the dysfunctional stuff and it will be harder to get out of. I was really scared too. I imagined all sorts of repercussions of going NC but it was all in my head. Sure some things were bad, but he luckily has let me go. It was him that said we are just friends and rather than argue we weren't I just agreed. He then immediately tried to replace me with my best friend, as they do and she entertained him for a month so I was able to fade into the background and distance myself from both of them. I still get texts from her saying she loves and misses me but I never reply. That 20 year friendship is gone now. And my exBPD has recently contacted my sister to"abuse" her over her treatment of me. I didn't respond. He then came to my door but I wasn't home and remained NC. He knows he did wrong in pursuing my best friend and he probably knows now that we are not friends. But I've managed to stay in the background and not allow his attention seeking into my life. I am still concerned for his well being I saw a recent photo of him that alarmed me... .He looked so unwell/ weird.

Not my problem, but I still love him so I still obviously want him to be ok.

It will be ok. Make a little change here and there until you see progress in your goal of getting out. Let him think it's best for him that you separate then he may not be so traumatised. During your next argument remain as calm as you can and simply say " I want you to be happy, and I can see I'm not the one for you. I trigger you. Ill give you some space" and do it. Go LC for a while then NC... .It might be easier to wean yourself out of it slowly. Make plans now for things for yourself and put a timeline on it. You can do it. Don't be scared. Fear will keep you there forever. Fear the things that could happen to you if you stay, not what he may do to himself. Peace 

[willtimeheal]

I want to talk to his family,as bad as that sounds,tell them he has been threatening suicide... .at least then,i would have made sure a little that i at least tried to do the little i could do after ruining his life.

Seriously?  Stuckgirl you have done nothing to ruin his life!  His issues and mental problems were there long before you ever came into his life. If you really feel you have ruined his life you need to get help for yourself. Find a therapist now!  You are not responsible for his issues or what he does to himself.  Bpds are master manipulators. He is playing you and you are the one who is feeling scared sick guilty and alone.  My advice to you... .get out of this relationship. Stop feeling guilty. He was messed up way before you met him. And start rebuilding your self esteem and self worth. Get over the guilt and realize his problems and issues have nothing to do with you.   

[lemon flower]

I want to talk to his family,as bad as that sounds,tell them he has been threatening suicide... .at least then,i would have made sure a little that i at least tried to do the little i could do after ruining his life.

Seriously?  Stuckgirl you have done nothing to ruin his life!  

very true, Stuckgirl, never believe his talking about you "destroying his life", it's in his own nature to destroy himself, as sad as it is.

on the other hand, if you have a good contact with his family, then yes, go and talk to them, I would do the same: it will give you some relief and make it easier to close this chapter in your life... .

Stay or leave, here's another one voting "leave" for you.

You are allready close to leaving yourself, let us encourage you a little; it's all messed up right now so things can only get better !