Unconditional Love in Marriage with a BPDs

[saitek]

I've posted on here a few times in the past and gotten great feed back on my situation. I'm here to ask a question that is on my back like a monkey with a chainsaw. I had a conversation with my BPDw and it came out that I was tired of being married to her. I had fallen out of love with her about 5-6 years ago after i had caught her lieing to me about an emotional relationship she had started with a man online in a game called SecondLife.

Time passed and I thought i could let it go and return to the way things had been... .but I can't. Everytime i come home and see something that doesn't sit well with me in the house or in her general actions day to day it would wedge a seed of resentment inside of me. I'd push it down and keep going thinking... ."I can come back to loving her... she'll get better and work on her issues and it will come back... .that feeling of unconditional love." but it's not coming back... it never came back.

I came to a realization... I don't want to be in this marriage... .i dont' want to hurt her but I don't want to spend the rest of my life picking up her pieces and holding her together and "unconditionally" giving and giving and giving. What makes this hard is that she does try... .she has improved over the years but... .i still do not feel that unconditional love.

I made my feelings known to her and she responded by explaining to me that Love to her was supposed to be unconditional. Meaning... I should just keep holding the torch till my hand burns off. once i told her that I was no longer in love with her she became angry and hateful mixed with mood swings of levity and clarity about it all.

She immediatly wanted a divorce. And claims that by not being honest with her about my lack of love for her for 6 years i've been lieing to her and she hates me for that... .you would of thought i'd cheated on her... .when all I was trying to do was keep our family afloat emotionally and financially. Yes i hid my feelings or lack there of from her but at the time it seemed like the best choice. I'm not defending it i know it wasn't the best choice but my judgement was clouded and I'm a weak unconfrontational person by nature. Im kind hearted and soft... and have trouble saying "no" and hurting other people around me.

After all of this ... .my question is, am I being selfish by not wanting to continue this marriage... .should I just suck it up and go back to unconditionally accepting and loving her? if i can even do that? Or is marriage inherently conditional. Two halves contributing to a common goal... .I work, you manage the home. we both work we both chip in to manage the home? I'm so confused, everyone around me tells me that I'm making the right choice and deep deep down when i bypass my care for her... .I do truly want to be out of this marriage... plain and simple just to be alone and on my own again sounds blissfully peaceful.

[christoff522]

I've posted on here a few times in the past and gotten great feed back on my situation. I'm here to ask a question that is on my back like a monkey with a chainsaw. I had a conversation with my BPDw and it came out that I was tired of being married to her. I had fallen out of love with her about 5-6 years ago after i had caught her lieing to me about an emotional relationship she had started with a man online in a game called SecondLife.

Time passed and I thought i could let it go and return to the way things had been... .but I can't. Everytime i come home and see something that doesn't sit well with me in the house or in her general actions day to day it would wedge a seed of resentment inside of me. I'd push it down and keep going thinking... ."I can come back to loving her... she'll get better and work on her issues and it will come back... .that feeling of unconditional love." but it's not coming back... it never came back.

I came to a realization... I don't want to be in this marriage... .i dont' want to hurt her but I don't want to spend the rest of my life picking up her pieces and holding her together and "unconditionally" giving and giving and giving. What makes this hard is that she does try... .she has improved over the years but... .i still do not feel that unconditional love.

I made my feelings known to her and she responded by explaining to me that Love to her was supposed to be unconditional. Meaning... I should just keep holding the torch till my hand burns off. once i told her that I was no longer in love with her she became angry and hateful mixed with mood swings of levity and clarity about it all.

She immediatly wanted a divorce. And claims that by not being honest with her about my lack of love for her for 6 years i've been lieing to her and she hates me for that... .you would of thought i'd cheated on her... .when all I was trying to do was keep our family afloat emotionally and financially. Yes i hid my feelings or lack there of from her but at the time it seemed like the best choice. I'm not defending it i know it wasn't the best choice but my judgement was clouded and I'm a weak unconfrontational person by nature. Im kind hearted and soft... and have trouble saying "no" and hurting other people around me.

After all of this ... .my question is, am I being selfish by not wanting to continue this marriage... .should I just suck it up and go back to unconditionally accepting and loving her? if i can even do that? Or is marriage inherently conditional. Two halves contributing to a common goal... .I work, you manage the home. we both work we both chip in to manage the home? I'm so confused, everyone around me tells me that I'm making the right choice and deep deep down when i bypass my care for her... .I do truly want to be out of this marriage... plain and simple just to be alone and on my own again sounds blissfully peaceful.

I'm not going to discuss the morality of divorce. But I will however advise something else first... a seperation. It may be that your feelings of love are buried deep down under all that resentment. You want that bliss, you want that peace and quiet. Why not advise a break rather than immediate divorce. If in a while, perhaps 2 weeks, a month... you still feel the same, then yes... run.

[OutOfEgypt]

I felt I had grounds for divorce because of adultery, but divorce is still pretty tough.  That said, I'm glad I went through with it.  But as christoff suggests, there are plenty of other steps you can take that don't involve legally ending the marriage.  Separation -either legally or practically.  Heck, maybe a separation would give her the kick she needs to get well.

That is a bunch of crap about you "lying to her" because for years you haven't felt "love."  People fall in and out of feelings of "love" in marriages all the time.  That is normal.  Thats why there are VOWS -because, though they sound all romantic, those vows are really an admission that marriage is not going to be everything we hoped it would be.  That sounds so familiar though -turn anything you do into a mountain so that they don't feel like they are the only bad person in the relationship. 

[saitek]

Thanks for the comments guys... .and yes we actually tried a seperation back about 3 years ago after I found out about her emotional affair and that lasted for about 2.5 months. I didn't feel the return of my feelings but I was bombarded with FOG from her that in the end i felt it best to take her back to ease the stress on our d8 and her grandmother and family.

This time I mentioned having time/space to sort it out and that maybe my feelings for her would change... .but she seems determined to run off the road regardless. "She deserves to be loved unconditionally" and on that note... .I don't wanna hold her back from meeting that magical man that can give her more than I've poured into her over the past 10 years. so part of me wants to wish her good luck and never look back. a large part of me admittedly.

In any case I don't think she will want to wait... .she's already had her engagement ring appraised for value... .and when I've offered her support or sentiments of financial help to get her on her feet she's spit it back at me like venom. But in her lucid moments, she wants to end the marriage peacefully which is testament to her level of change over the years. 5 years ago that would not have even been an option. She said she wants an uncontested divorce no lawyers or attorneys. All of our assets, there aren't many, are all in my name.

I'm wondering if staying the course and letting her leave on her own power is the best possible scenario. it seems too good to be true.

[Love Is Not Enough]

I'm here to ask a question that is on my back like a monkey with a chainsaw.

that was funny. I hope you don't mind if I use that one.

On a serious note though I would like to share my story with you. I have experienced a similar situation with both my BPD-like ex wife and my current BPDgf. My ex wife cheated on me and I did my best to work it out. We did counseling and everything seemed fine for a year. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore as I felt how you do now. I declared I didn't love her anymore and just walked out.

Then I became very emotionally unstable and did not give myself time to heal. I started dating too soon and did not deal with MY issues. I ended up with my current BPDgf and this RS has been the most difficult I have ever experienced. She makes my ex wife look like an angel. I do not wish I was back in a RS with my ex, but I believe my new, stronger self, could have made that RS work.

There are those on the Staying Board that support staying with your partner to work through your own issues. This is what I have done and it has worked well for me. I used the tools to stabilize the RS with my BPDgf and in the process I have shed many of my issues I have with dependency. It has been a process and I continue to work on it. I would have never believed I could have made it this far in only 9 months, but things are immensely better.

I have also posted a question about how to love your BPD. We also discussed unconditional love on that thread as well. What it came down to was making a commitment and that romantic love is conditional. Each partner has to contribute to the RS and do the best that they can. I have taken responsibility for my part in my current RS and committed myself to providing the best environment I can for my gf to improve. I have radically accepted her RS skills limitations and this has given me patience. I use the tools to keep the peace and boundaries to protect myself. This has led to her respecting me and the RS while motivating her to work on her own issues. As long as she keeps trying in good faith I will do the same.

My feelings for my gf have just recently started to shift. For a long time I was just going through the motions for the sake of the children. I am still working through MY feelings about some things she did in the past that still bother me, but I am slowly starting to feel loving feelings for her again. Something I was not sure would ever happen. I think sorting out my own problems allows me to love myself and then I am able to love her more. I hope that makes any sense.

So it has taken all of this for me to realize that the power is within me and that I needed to fix ME first. You may leave this RS, but you might end up in something worse if you do not address your own issues. Maybe a therapeutic separation would something that you might look into. Take some time to really focus on YOU and think about what it is that YOU want. You feel resentment because you feel like you have given so much to her without getting anything back. Try giving to yourself and I promise things will get better either way. It will either steer her to get better or push her out of your life. Confidence in myself is how I found my hope.

[saitek]

I'm here to ask a question that is on my back like a monkey with a chainsaw.

that was funny. I hope you don't mind if I use that one.

Certainly it just seemed apt for my feelings at that moment.

I understand and appreciate your comments and you sharing your story. I have absolutely no intention of moving into a new RS until I'm 110% sure that I'm ready for such a thing. I think i have a pretty stable grasp on my personal life and emotions and I've been around the sun enough to know that starting a new thing after an old thing will only lead you into a mine field of potential danger.

I think the patience i had for her has been broken... .the straw that broke this camels back was her lieing to me about the emotional affair and doing so in such a convicing way that I never really can tell if she's being honest or spinning me a yarn half the time. Im soo tired I just want to be free... .and i want her to be happy but not at the expense of my d and me.

[refusetosuccumb]

And claims that by not being honest with her about my lack of love for her for 6 years i've been lieing to her and she hates me for that... .you would of thought i'd cheated on her... .when all I was trying to do was keep our family afloat emotionally and financially

I got the very same song and dance from my ex.  Our stories are eerily similar.  We tried seperation last year, last 3 months, then he came back begging and pleading for another chance.  Then continued to try and sleep with other women (I say "tried" because I only found FB messages of him trying but whether he did or did not physically cheat, my heart was no longer in it).  Ultimately I left, for good with the kids, at the end of April of this year.

I felt it was kinder for both of us to part ways.  I was becoming a shell of my former self.  I'm a very independent woman and this scared my ex.  He has addictive tendancies and if I"m honest with myself, I lost that loving feeling about 6yrs ago with his cocaine use.  He wasn't a partner, he was my third child.  I pulled away, he pulled away, you know the story. 

Mine continues to blame me for the demise of our marriage, even though I've never used drugs or cheated on him.  He blames me for not being strong enough to love him despite what he's done.  I'm just one more person that's left him, according to him.  He'll never acknowledge that the majority of his relationships blow up due to his actions.  He will be the eternal victim.

When you know, you just know.  Unconditional love is for my kids.  A partner should always be held accountable.  Cheating is never OK.

 

[Love Is Not Enough]

I think the patience i had for her has been broken... .the straw that broke this camels back was her lieing to me about the emotional affair and doing so in such a convicing way that I never really can tell if she's being honest or spinning me a yarn half the time. Im soo tired I just want to be free... .and i want her to be happy but not at the expense of my d and me.

It sounds like you are at a much better place than I was when I divorced. That is good to hear and you seem to have pretty much arrived at your decision.

I am with you on the lies. That is one of the hangups I still have that I mentioned earlier. Right now I don't know if I will ever fully trust her again. I will just take it one day at a time and do what I need to in order to take care of myself. I have fully accepted that I can't control her actions or take what she does personally. If she breaks my trust again I will have to protect myself by ending the RS.

You are definitely on the right track with doing what is best for you and your d. I wish you the best and I hope you can find peace with your decision soon.

[Forestaken]

I have absolutely no intention of moving into a new RS until I'm 110% sure that I'm ready for such a thing. I think i have a pretty stable grasp on my personal life and emotions and I've been around the sun enough to know that starting a new thing after an old thing will only lead you into a mine field of potential danger.

I'm typing up the final threads on my divorce (24 year marriage).  And I have no plan for a new RS either. Enjoying the peace.

IMO: valid grounds for divorce 3A's: Adultry, Abandonment and Abuse.

[slimmiller]

After all of this ... .my question is, am I being selfish by not wanting to continue this marriage... .should I just suck it up and go back to unconditionally accepting and loving her? if i can even do that? Or is marriage inherently conditional. Two halves contributing to a common goal... .I work, you manage the home. we both work we both chip in to manage the home? I'm so confused, everyone around me tells me that I'm making the right choice and deep deep down when i bypass my care for her... .I do truly want to be out of this marriage... plain and simple just to be alone and on my own again sounds blissfully peaceful.

NO. You are not being selfish. It shows that you are validating your own feelings and those feelings are due to the rift she caused by her infidelity (emotion affair). She however is not OWNING that fact. Thats where PDs shift the blame onto us (nons) they seem to lack the ability to 'own' it because they lack empathy.

Seeing what you are seeing is a real threat to her. Once our ablity to 'think for ourselves' so to speak becomes apparent, they become defensive because its a threat to them. It is a threat because its a sign that the 'engulfment' is broken. They dont 'own' us anymore and thus they disregulate as she did to you. She will try and bully you back into compliance to what SHE needs.

A good book on this is "Stop caretaking the BPD and the Narcissist'

I agree that taking a bit of time to think for yourself my be a good way to regain clarity but I think it would need to be outside of her influence. If she talks you into getting back together its probably a sign that its premature.

Irregardless, listen to your inner voice (your heart) and dont ignore what it tells you.

[bpbreakout]

I read somewhere + someone in this thread also said something similar in that unconditional love is what parents give to babies and very young children. Love between adults has all kinds of conditions involving mutual respect, fidelity and so on. A lot of people would say that your partner's insistance on "unconditional love" is ridiculous. There is nothing selfish about not wanting to be married to someone if you have to keeping picking up the pieces. Whatever the case with the marriage maybe you will feel better in yourself if you step back and let her pick up a few pieces of her own.

[mstnghu]

I read somewhere + someone in this thread also said something similar in that unconditional love is what parents give to babies and very young children. Love between adults has all kinds of conditions involving mutual respect, fidelity and so on. A lot of people would say that your partner's insistance on "unconditional love" is ridiculous. There is nothing selfish about not wanting to be married to someone if you have to keeping picking up the pieces. Whatever the case with the marriage maybe you will feel better in yourself if you step back and let her pick up a few pieces of her own.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. The concept of "unconditional love" is the BPD person's way of controlling us. I love my son unconditionally no matter what. It's my responsibility as his dad.  It's not my job to "fix" my wife though when she refuses to do anything herself to deal with her issues. She's an adult and should have enough maturity to acknowledge her own issues and work to resolve them.

If I felt for a second that my wife was acknowledging the nasty things she's said and done to me and wanted to change, I'd be there in a heartbeat to support and love her. I've been let down too many times from her though. I can't unconditionally love her when she shows no mutual love and respect for me.

In a heated fight I recently told her flat out that I wasn't looking for a wife so I could "fix" her. She's a grown woman. I was looking for a life-companion to grow old together with.

[saitek]

I read somewhere + someone in this thread also said something similar in that unconditional love is what parents give to babies and very young children. Love between adults has all kinds of conditions involving mutual respect, fidelity and so on. A lot of people would say that your partner's insistance on "unconditional love" is ridiculous. There is nothing selfish about not wanting to be married to someone if you have to keeping picking up the pieces. Whatever the case with the marriage maybe you will feel better in yourself if you step back and let her pick up a few pieces of her own.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. The concept of "unconditional love" is the BPD person's way of controlling us. I love my son unconditionally no matter what. It's my responsibility as his dad.  It's not my job to "fix" my wife though when she refuses to do anything herself to deal with her issues. She's an adult and should have enough maturity to acknowledge her own issues and work to resolve them.

If I felt for a second that my wife was acknowledging the nasty things she's said and done to me and wanted to change, I'd be there in a heartbeat to support and love her. I've been let down too many times from her though. I can't unconditionally love her when she shows no mutual love and respect for me.

In a heated fight I recently told her flat out that I wasn't looking for a wife so I could "fix" her. She's a grown woman. I was looking for a life-companion to grow old together with.

Thank you both! thank god! I was feeling like I was going crazy and in the wrong. That helps me deal with what I'm feeling soo much easier... .and I sympathize with you mstnghu I've been living with that attitude off an on nearly the whole marriage. When we got married my BPDw insisted we move to a new place... .I was isolated from all of my friends and my family and shuttled off in a corner where she could keep me all to herself. I even worked from home at the time and there was still never enough of me to fill her vast empty hole.

That admittedly makes me sad for her but I don't want to be dragged any further down this rabbit hole, I wanna be free. I want my d to be free at least when shes with me. I don't want my d to not have a relationship with her mom but at the same time I don't want her getting influenced too much.

[NotASnowflake]

I came to a realization... I don't want to be in this marriage... .i dont' want to hurt her but I don't want to spend the rest of my life picking up her pieces and holding her together and "unconditionally" giving and giving and giving. What makes this hard is that she does try... .she has improved over the years but... .i still do not feel that unconditional love.

I'm getting to this place myself. What I also picking up from what you said (applies to me too, but for different reasons) is that you may have lost respect for her due to her emotional affair. Between that and the resentments that came from that, it's hard to move past. Especially in relationships with someone with BPD, because they have a hard time seeing that their actions and words effect us very deeply.

I've also gotten the guilt trip for not having unconditional love (as well as our wedding vows, "you said you would never leave me", etc.). Although it's hard to see it in the moment, this is them putting the FOG on you in order to control the situation. Her saying that not telling her your true feelings for so long is lying is similar as well. Although it is expected that all feelings are open and discussed in a marriage, I can definitely understand and relate to holding that in to avoid the fallout and holding on to that sliver of hope to keep your family together.

I also see that you are very conflicted over whether to stay or leave (in your initial post), I'm the same way. One thing I'm trying to accept is that there may not be a "Right Choice" in this matter. At some point you have to do what is right for you. Have lines been crossed that, upon reflection, you are starting to realize are things that you never would have thought you would accept in a relationship? I know that is the case in my situation. And once those lines are crossed, it can be very hard to regain that trust and respect that has been lost.

And similarly to you, my wife has recently said she can't take it and is leaving. We haven't really talked since she said this and have avoided each other. But based on a couple of cues, I think that she has already changed her mind and is not leaving. Saitek, this comment from you really hits home for me too "I'm wondering if staying the course and letting her leave on her own power is the best possible scenario. it seems too good to be true." I'm also asking myself a lot of the same questions that you are. Am I being selfish? Am I crazy? How much longer can I take feeling this way? Do I deserve to be in a happier healthier relationship?  But I don't want another relationship, like you I just want to be alone and at peace. As others have said, a separation may help you determine your way.

The only recommendation I have is the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I am not able to read it regularly and am not far into it, but it's been recommended by many on this forum. Good luck and take comfort in the fact that one day things will be better and you will be in a better place, regardless of the outcome of your relationship.

[christoff522]

I read somewhere + someone in this thread also said something similar in that unconditional love is what parents give to babies and very young children. Love between adults has all kinds of conditions involving mutual respect, fidelity and so on. A lot of people would say that your partner's insistance on "unconditional love" is ridiculous.

EXACTLY  SPOT ON!

[Soccerchic]

I have a hord if chainsaw carrying monkeys on my back. I tried to separate from my uBPDh. He then demanded a decision to divorce or commit. I caved and stayed in the marriage. I keep vascialating from wanting to stay or to grab my kids and run for the hills. He like your wife is in counseling and showing some improvement but it's slow going with much relapses in old behavior. It's exhausting.  I'm clouded by fog. I feel sorry for him and his dependence and neediness are overwhelming.  I ask him to get a few things done while at work (he is home with the kids right now). I come home and rarely is anything done that he agrees to. Believe me I don't mind if he says no. I will not have the time. No big deal. But why agree and lie. It's not like I won't find out or remember.  My trust wasn't destroyed by an affair.  It has been destroyed by lies and promises that I can't rely on like I can take the kids to practice and then he forgets the time and doesn't go or forgets to pay the mortgage or forgets plans we have that he didn't want to be a part of. I've been such a codep buying him a planner and notebook to keep track if appointments or starting an online business for him that he neglected that is no longer in existence. I've tried everything to help him be a contributor rather than a drain on us but he just doesn't get it.  I want to be free but then I miss when he is sweet. I've split him into two people - hot strong nice guy and adult man child.  Help. I feel crazy.