Pre procedings home schoolers and special needs

[reluctanthusband]

Was/has homeschooling/special needs before the chosen/forced decision to split made any effect on the proceedings?  I may be in a unique situation that I need some advice for.  Here are the details

-Children D12,S7,S6

-Marriage going on 14 years

-At 9 3/4 years found out there was infidelity early in our marriage(of course my fault)

-Right after 10yrs of marriage due to counseling caused by the above MC told me about BPD and said wife was a MILD BPD

-Military going on 16 yrs

-Two sons are High Functioning autistic

-Christian family.  Christian Values very important to me and are skewed/bent/broken for her depending on her mood

-Wife just quit job to stay home(was just working weekends)

-Mortgage and moderately high consumer debt(Not a lot of wiggle room but keeping head above water)

-No close family to help me at least.

So Im at a point where I have put up with it for so long I don’t know how much more I can take.  I'm currently on the Staying boards, but I am keeping my options open at this point.  I have felt suicidal a few times but my father and my faith always pull me away from the negative thoughts.  I have stayed because of the children and being able to take care of them is more important than my needs.  I have been in a 4 year on and off severe depression because I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.  How does homeschooling/special needs affect the whole divorce process.  My uBPDw always plays the victim.  I am uncaring, unemotional and mean.  Whenever I try to discipline the children she always jumps down my throat.  Whenever I say they can't have something she thinks they should have I'm painted black and the bad guy.  I need to know what I need to do to protect the kids and still be a good father at the same time.  My D12 gets it, mommy over reacts a lot and gets upset over dumb things but the boy process things totally differently.  What have been your experiences if you have any for any of these.

[ForeverDad]

I would first recommend you not to use the S word, at least not anywhere she could get access to it or she would probably try to use it against you during the divorce process or in evaluations.  We all know the stress is situational, it's not you, it's the stressful environment she's causing.

Home-schooling is wonderful - with capable and balanced parents.  Unfortunately, not in our sort of high conflict and dysfunctional cases.  Homeschooling now would (1) hinder your children's progress in their schoolwork, (2) hinder your children's socializing with other children and teachers, (3) be an excuse for her to isolate the children from you and others, and (4) be an excuse for her to proclaim she can't work and therefore you have to pay her higher spousal support and child support.

You can't go into court saying "I don't want to pay support" - too many fathers have tried to avoid support and so fatherhood has become tainted for the rest of us good dads.  However, you can state, "My spouse has worked in the past and I want her to continue working, as a working parent she will set a good example for the children just as I'm setting a good example for the children by working and she'll become independent that much faster once the divorce is final.  Homeschooling is not something to attempt just as the family is dealing with divorce.  The children have always gone to school, they need to continue with the stable routines they've always known so the divorce does not create more upheaval in their lives than it has to."  I'm not sure if it is wise to bluntly tell the court that she wants homeschooling for all the wrong reasons.

I might take all that back if you're going to be the responsible parent homeschooling.  Homeschooling would be quite a challenge.  It would be hard to handle your typical life, divorce and homeschooling all together at once.

Of course I know it's her who wants to homeschool, not you.  If you allow her to homeschool then it would be gifting her too much power over their futures.

My ex wanted to homeschool.  I was against it for precisely the reasons I listed above.  As a toddler and preschooler my son gave indications of mild autism and I believed it was largely due to her parenting and her skewed worldview.  And I didn't want him to miss out of the socializing with normal people and a variety of kids and teachers.

[suffering_parent]

Home schooled three of my kids the year before divorcing.   It was critical to the court and the GAL that they were put back in school.    I was already working full time, taking care of most of the house, and having to home school.   It was clear that it was to much for one person.   The GAL wanted to make sure I could take on all the responsibilities before giving me custody.

It really is to much for one person to undertake.   I couldn't give them the education they deserved.   It actually worked out really well because I built good relationships with their teachers.   The teachers have now been interviewed by the GAL and CPS showing how well the kids are doing.   The more people you can have in your corner the better.

[livednlearned]

You're at a good stage to talk to a lawyer. It usually costs $50 to $100 for 30 minutes or so (at least where I live). It doesn't commit you to anything, it allows you to get strategic advice so that if you do file for divorce, your ducks are in a row. A lot of people don't want to talk to a lawyer because it feels like a betrayal or it will commit you to a decision one way or another. It isn't. It's gathering information, a type of insurance for a probability you want to be prepared for it necessary.

We can tell you about our experiences and suggest things you might want to consider, but divorce is different in each state, and all of us had specific circumstances that impacted our cases.

For example, in my state there are alienation of affection laws. If there is infidelity, it impacts the financial part of divorce. Say your wife had an affair and you had proof of it -- you would not have to pay her alimony. Another example is that if you leave the home after filing for divorce and don't take the kids, it can be considered "abandoning the marital home."

In general, courts want you to focus on what's best for the kids. That's the case you need to make: "This proposal is what I believe is best for the kids. These are the reasons. Here is evidence. I'm the stable parent. Yes, I suffer from depression, here is what I've been doing to be the best parent I can be."

The rest is mostly crunching numbers.

[Matt]

Lots of good thoughts from everybody already.  I'll just talk about one aspect I know a little about:  depression.

I was married 12 years and was 100% committed to staying in the marriage, at least til the kids were grown.  My youngest was 8 when the marriage finally broke down:  my wife became violent and accused me of assault, and I spent the night in jail, and that's where I realized I couldn't fix it and couldn't take it any more.

During the last year or so we were together, I was under intense stress.  I wasn't admitting to myself or anybody else how bad the marriage was.  My parents died (my mom suddenly and unexpectedly).  My son's addiction became obvious, and he went to prison.  I went into deep depression.  I got some good advice and found a counselor, and began to see him, weekly at first, then tapering off to monthly.  For a while I was on anti-depression meds.

Later things got better, then worse.  I learned that daily cardiovascular exercise helps a lot, plus regular sleep.

My counselor also taught me the link between stress and depression - you can think of depression as a symptom and stress as the disease - if you deal more effectively with stress that will help the depression a lot.

He taught me to notice what adds to my stress - top of the list was being around my wife, and number two was dwelling ("ruminating" on things I can't fix, like my parents' death and my son's addiction.

He also taught me to notice what helps me relax, and put more of it into my life - time alone with my kids, music, baseball.  Little tricks can help a lot:  he told me to keep a baseball on my desk, and one in the car, and one in the kitchen, so that reminder of happy times is in my field of vision.

It all helped, but it took a long time to climb out of it.  I was never suicidal, but I did reach the point where I was completely broken;  I would have surrendered by there was nobody to surrender to.

My new friends here told me to make sure I had three sources of support:  family who I know love me, peers (like here) who have been down the same path, and professionals like my counselor.  People of faith have another kind of help too.

Make sure you are actively taking care of yourself.  You can't take care of your kids if you aren't OK first.  (Think of what flight attendants say:  "Put on your own oxygen mask first, and then help your child with his."

Don't think of depression as something you have no control over.  Find the right resources, including a good counselor (or maybe a well-educated member of the clergy), and learn to manage your stress.  This will be a marathon not a sprint.

[nyangel]

I also have a child who is high functioning autism and the idea of homeschooling in my opinion is a bad idea.  Children need that social interaction especially those with high functioning autism because they are capable of learning coping techniques that will help them deal with social situations especially, for the rest of their lives.  and unfortunately if the homeschooling would be coming from a person who has BPD it could have disasterous consequences.  I don't know the specifics of your childrens autism but I know mine has a lot of social problems and misreading of social cues so I would think that trying to learn from someone who can also have those tendencies could be very hard on all involved.

[reluctanthusband]

So a little clarification.  I am not currently in the process and hope to avoid it as luck favors the prepared. We have already been homeschooling our d12 for 4 years and 1.5 for our boys.  It was a mutual decision because the school district was breaking laws in how how they were treating our oldest boy.  Although the younger one was doing better we thought.it best for all of them to come home. 

They are fully diagnosed and I.don't think that was any of her doing.  They may have some learned behaviors but nothing of serious note.  I am just kinda at the end of my rope.  Most commentary points to it not getting better and likely worse.  She has worked in the past but just recently quit because of scheduling.  My question is what weight does it hold that they have been homeschooled for a good while AND they are special needs AND my wife is primarily a stayat home mom.

[Matt]

Where I live, stay-at-home parents have a big advantage in a contested custody case, and a SAH parent who also home-schools the kids probably has an even bigger advantage.

There are some things that might move it in your direction... .

One is the right attorney.  She should be experienced in cases like yours, and should give you a solid, practical plan for the steps that can be taken to get the outcome you think will be best.

Another is solid documentation of your wife's behavior and how it affects the kids.

A third is a diagnosis, together with solid research showing how someone with her problem(s) - assuming the diagnosis shows BPD and/or some other serious psychological disorder - will affect the kids over time.  Kids raised primarily by a parent who has BPD and isn't getting effective treatment are at much higher long-term risk for addiction and many other serious problems, but you will have to show a diagnosis based on objective testing (like the MMPI-2) and lots of data showing what that means for the kids long-term.  It may also be necessary to have an expert witness who can testify about the research.

[reluctanthusband]

I'm in California so just because im a man I already have strikes against me.  She is capable of having a job and doing quite well at it.  She has only worked part time at her last job, but had it for almost 4 years.  Many times I asked her to work more for a short time just so we could pay off bills and get ahead, but she never did.  She doesn't understand sacrifice for a season and always gave the excuse our family will suffer HA!  I believe I am reserved to stick it out till the kids are older and try to build a life that gives them as much as I can after I leave and she is financially done destroying me.  Part of that is trying to build one of our side buisnesses up and leagally leverageing it to keep her from taking it away from me when I am done.