What should I do? go or not?

[mlb116]

Hi:  background first:  I have a 43 yr old daughter with problems from the age of 15 on. She now is the single mother of a 16 yr old daughter.  They live 2000 miles away and I haven't seen them for over a year after the relationship with my daughter hit a wall that even I couldn't bounce off. I finally backed away with the stance of detaching with love (as best I could).  It was ugly, and I proceeded to see a shrink for 9 months. I finally moved on and am pretty happy, albeit I miss my granddaughter very much.

Problem:  I need a sanity check.  After more than a year daughter invited me to visit and to see granddaugther in a musical play, right. During the last 4 days she called once while I was napping, but did not answer when I called her back later, and again the next day. Has not acknowledged that I left voice and text messages on her phone. Has briefly responded to one text message, then  ignored the next three spread over the last 3 days. Am I crazy or am I being jerked around yet again?  I am on a Weds pm flight, and there's time to cancel it. It's a nonrefundable ticket, but I can reuse later with a hefty charge.  It's not appropriate to ask granddaugther what is going on; she has enough to cope with and already feels like she needs to take care of her mother. Sure, daughter can be working ten hour days at the local burger palace and has no time for any responding, but I doubt it. She went on disability in April, has severe back problems in addition to the anxiety and depression, etc, etc.

I am starting to feel crazed and anxious, as if impending doom is hovering over my head.  I've been a bad place with her a lot of times in the past, and I am hearing the slurping sounds of the drain I'm being sucked into. Daugther instinctively pushes my buttons without batting an eye when she is not happy about something... .She has actively avoided talking to me even on a phone for this entire year.  My current thought is that I took the bait AGAIN.

I need to take care of myself first here:  What would you do, go anyway, or cancel out and disappoint the granddaughter who genuinely did want me to come.  In any case I have a new shrink appt next week. Good thing, I'm gonna need it no matter what I do.  Appreciate your views

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mama72]

Could you send her a text, email and voicemail containing all the same information, thanking her for the invitation and that you would love to see your gd in her play. (I am assuming it is a public event, so whether or not you visit with them, you could still see your gd perform?) Then suggest dinner, ice cream, or coffee after the event or some other time while you are there, while validating that it must be a busy time for them.

Just leave whatever contact DD wants up to her, hoping that you can still enjoy watching your gd?

Otherwise, make plans for yourself, while out of town. Sightsee, massage, reading by the pool or in the park?

I know how it feels to be on guard about getting hurt again, it is a terrible feeling. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, it really could be a good visit for you all though?

[madmom]

I can understand why you are confused.  I think that the idea of a text/email/etc. to your daughter and the ideas on the previous post are very good.  I think I would go so as not to disappoint the granddaughter, she probably faces lots of disappointments with her mother and you don't want to add to that burden for her.  I would text granddaughter and let her know you will be there in the audience and hope that things will work out that you will be able to see each other and then wait and see what happens.   I agree that while you are there, make time to do some fun things for yourself so that you don't feel it is a wasted trip if things don't work out as you hoped.  Just seeing your granddaughter, even if only on the stage would make me want to go.  Best wishes in whatever you do.

[pessim-optimist]

hello mlb116,



Welcome to the Parenting board!

I can see how you would be confused and possibly suspicious about what's going on. Life with a person w/BPD is "predictably unpredictable". While it is possible that she is "jerking you around," I have seen similar wild situations be genuine attempts at normalizing a relationship after a complete break by my step-daughter and by children of other members on this site.

Just knowing about the two possibilities and getting ready for each puts you in the position of not being played.

I agree with others that going anyway might be a really good opportunity for you to see your granddaughter. I would definitely go on that trip if it is affordable. And like others said - making it a nice trip for yourself no matter what, and not setting your expectations too high will help prevent possible disappointment.

What do you think?

[mlb116]

Thank you for your inputs.

I talked to good friends this afternoon, and have decided (with their encouragement) to postpone the trip, at the cost of missing my gd play. There's a financial issue which prevents me from getting a room  if I were to go now. I can use the ticket later and get a nice room and have a little holiday and see my gd then. I hate to disappoint her, but her mother has too many issues right now, and I can't afford to make them mine again.  My gd is almost 17 now and has a lot of friends and a busy school life that will help her some. I've always made sure she knows I love her with all my heart.  I love my daughter too, in spite of everything. She's always had a good heart; it's other parts that have so many problems going.

It would be different I think if my d had managed to speak to me on the phone even once during this episode. She asked the gd to call me (delight) about an hour before I made my decision.  Gd should not be put in the middle.

I'm 72 and have a shorter fuse than I did long ago... .  I've had other heartaches in my life, this isn't the first.

[pessim-optimist]

There's a financial issue which prevents me from getting a room  if I were to go now.

That definitely changes things. That's understandable.

She asked the gd to call me (delight) about an hour before I made my decision.  Gd should not be put in the middle.

How did the call go? Does your gd understand?

It would be different I think if my d had managed to speak to me on the phone even once during this episode.

True, at the same time, it may have been that her shame/anxiety was keeping her from calling and that might have been a reason why she put her daughter up to it... .

In which case, she'll be disappointed and may lash out.

It is definitely your right to decide one way or another. If it comes to your dd lashing out, I'd be ready with a SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) reply:

"Hi dd, I see how my not coming must be sad and disappointing to you. I would have loved to come and I am also sad that it did not work out. Without a reply from you I wasn't sure what was going on, and ended up with too little time to make necessary arrangements. Maybe we can make it work next time? Love, mom"

If you are interested, there is more on SET in the right-hand-side panel ------>

[HealingSpirit]

Dear mlb116,

I feel for you and I understand your confusion!  You're NOT INSANE!  It sounds to me like you've had too much hurt and pain in your past and you're still feeling very fragile and vulnerable.  (I know I would be in your shoes.)  This potential visit has you face to face with the possibility of re-opening those old wounds, which is very scary and painful.  You've had some great coaching here from the other parents.

I'd just like to validate you.  I think you're making the right decision for now.  Unless YOU are coming from a strong, centered place, you would perhaps not be at your best to handle your DD.  And since you're already confused and hurting, that tells me you're not quite as centered as you could be, so going would not be a good idea.  Add to that the financial strain, and it's quite obvious this isn't the right time for you.

I hope when you DO go visit them, you will be able to go with an open mind and heart, free from guilt, but also with some armor, in case you need it.  Perhaps your T can help you work through the hurt so you feel less vulnerable?

Let us know how it goes!