Aligning with family from whom we were previously estranged

[Loujaye]

My 20 yo BPDD has been NC since Christmas but has been contacting family members who had previously cut us out of their lives (my mother and brother have narcissistic PD) and also her bio dad whom she always hated coming to visit. Wondering if others in NC have experienced this. People for whom she had totally negative feeling towards have now become her inner circle. I was the one who she completely connected with and depended upon all her life, bout she believes I let her down so she has cut me off and has nothing but horrible things to say about me. Her relationship with her NBPD sister is very unstable. She's weaning off depression meds she's been on for years, convinced it was me that made her out to be sicker than she feels she was and is.  Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this type of alignment. Thanks. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Hi Loujaye, For sure my family has been in similar situations. It is very hard to be in the mess of the turmoil, especially when you are the one who she was so connected to. What I found is the alignment can and most likely shift again and again. No way to predict in which direction. The spinning of it all is enough to want to scream and run off far, far away.

Being Mindful

[Loujaye]

Being Mindful, thanks for the reply. Yes, so many times I feel like screaming and running. Especially since the family members she's gone back to were so cruel to us. My mom thinks I have a mental illness and am responsible for all that has ever been wrong with either of my daughters. When I developed fibro, CFS and chronic migraines, she accused me of being weak and told me she didn't want to be around my negativity. BPDD is now saying the same thing after reconnecting with her. Ironic it was my d that recognized how my mom was bullying me and I then came to understand that she was a narcissist and it wasn't me. But d has all convinced that she's perfectly fine and has told me I need help. I vacillate between hurt and anger and frustration.

[Being Mindful]

Oh my, that must be incredibly difficult to hear that from your mother.

How do you deal with your hurt, anger and frustration? Do you have healthy family and friends to support you?

[pessim-optimist]

To answer your question: yes.

We have been through a complete rewriting of history several times over now. Our situation is a bit different in that it's my SD's parents who are being split back and forth. When mom is good, dad is the bad guy, when dad is the good guy, mom is terrible.

It is actually a fairly common behavior for a person w/BPD to align with someone who they previously split black, and create a campaign against the one who was previously idealized. When that happens in a family setting with more complicated and painful history of relationships, it can feel terrible.

The instability of relationships that people w/BPD go through actually plays in your favor in this situation - she will eventually have trouble with that side of the family, and that's most likely when she will contact you again... . 

Being Mindful has some really good points and questions for you.

[Sstepdad]

Yes but SD has burned her bridges with all of them, she moved in with her biological father after we said no to taking her back after one of her failed relationships, told her mom how great it was there. Her father was not involved in her life at all growing up, from age 9 to 11 he did not come see her once though he lived half an hour away.

That lasted 6 months before she got the boot.

Its wearing and she is not as bad as some of the situations I have read on here. I just love all the sayings she posts on facebook about accountability and loyalty none of which she practices.

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Loujaye,

My BPDD17 does this all the time, but with friends.  When she was younger, she had dramatic "falling outs" with her friends, one at a time.  Then, after a few months, she would become "besties" with them a few months later.  I used to think she was extraordinarily forgiving.  Too much so, because she lets some very unhealthy people back into her life after previously booting them out.

I have noticed our DD forms alliances with either me or my DH (her dad).  She seldom alienates herself from both of us at the same time though.  I know how frustrating, hurtful, and sad it is when I'm the one on the "out" so I feel for you.  You poor thing!  And you've got it extra tough because your own mother is making you second-guess your inner wisdom.  I'm glad you came here because we all need each other to build ourselves back up after that happens.  I have Fibromyalgia and migraines too.  It is so hard to force ourselves to function when our families blame us or take us for granted.

How do you take care of yourself?  I have personally noticed that when I have neglected myself, my body screams out in the form of increased joint/muscle pain, or I suddenly wake up with a migraine out of the blue.  When I take good care of myself, (which for me includes seeing supportive friends, going to therapy and the chiropractor, eating well, taking vitamins, exercising, and doing things I enjoy for at least a few hours every week), my painful symptoms decrease.  Believe me, it's not easy to keep up with this self-care regimen... .especially when my BPDD17 presents a new crisis every day.  But, if I don't, I pay for it.  Do you?

[Loujaye]

Healing spirit,

Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you. In my process of moving ahead I started a home dog boarding business as I am no longer able to work outside the home due to my fibro and it has been non stop this month. It's great, but not so good for my fibro. Any spare time has been spent sleeping. I've been trying to keep my mind off my BPDD because the pain is just still too sharp. After we met several months ago, I reached back out to her on Facebook but she ignored me. In answer to your question, my body is screaming, but in a new way. I don't know if I've suddenly developed neuropathy or fibro has just decided to attack my feet but every step the past few weeks has been torture. Taking care of the dogs has been so difficult. I haven't had the time to do anything for myself. The only thing this is helping with is to keep my thoughts out of that sad dark place. It has helped me to transform the space where BPDD lived into the doggie hotel rather than a constant reminder of her absence. Luckily my h is supportive, despite how devastated he continues to be by the constant hurt inflicted upon us by d. Apparently she's talking about moving to the other side of the country to be with her bio dad who has his own mh problems.

I admire your self care regimen. I need to start something like that. I've put on 30 pounds and the only explanation the dr. Can find is stress. I bought a mini trampoline but then my feet started hurting! I eat healthily most of the time and am much less sedentary running up and down the steps caring for the dogs. I know it's a waiting game but I'm not good at games. Are you in contact with your BPDD now? Does she live with you? I have a few days without dogs next week and I'm sure I'll start obsessing again. I haven't learned how to productively use my free time. I have so many books on the subject but my T told me to stop reading for a while because I get depressed.  I used to love being in the sunshine but I can't handle it now with the fibro. Bottom line, I'm a mess and am holding on by a very thin string. If it weren't for my other NBPD, my H and my dogs, I'd probably check out. It's all so overwhelming.  :'(

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Loujaye!   

I'm a mess and am holding on by a very thin string. If it weren't for my other NBPD, my H and my dogs, I'd probably check out. It's all so overwhelming.  :'(

I understand your overwhelm!  I'm sorry you're in such a low place and I'm worried about you.  What can you do to get yourself some immediate help for this new low you're experiencing?  A few years ago, I became so overwhelmed, I couldn't cope anymore.  One night, I woke up out of the blue, thinking about the giant bottle of Benadryl in the kitchen.  I've dealt with depression since my youth, but I never actually thought about suicide before and it scared me.  So, the next day, I went to my T and asked him for antidepressants.  It took a month of trial and error to get on the right one, but it yanked me right out of that funk.  THEN, I was able to read books about depression, learn some new tools, get back in touch with friends, and DO fun things, just for me.  ("Feeling Good" by David Burns, M.D. is excellent.  He offers lots of CBT tools that really help.)

Are you currently on antidepressants for your fibro?  Are you taking anything to reduce and prevent migraines?  Do you know what your triggers are?  I have found that my Prozac has helped reduce my pain and migraines, in addition to my depression.  I don't know if it somehow raises the pain threshold or reduces pain.  Either way, I've been much better the past couple of years.  I just started taking Turmeric (an Indian spice) that has been scientifically proven to reduce pain.  It is also helping.  If you have a Whole Foods market near you, they have knowledgeable people in their supplement department who can direct you to a vitamin and herbal program to help you.  Some doctors and chiropractors are also well-versed in helpful alternative methods too.  If you don't have Whole Foods or other similar health food store near you, a good online store is iHerb.com.  (It's just a store with thousands of products and a huge variety of brands.  NOT a marketing company pushing their own brand.  I promise, or I could not recommend it here!)   Their site includes scientific articles and customer reviews of all their products.  And they deliver right to your door. 

Also, have you noticed we're not the only ones on this site who have issues with Fibro, migraines, depression, etc?  In fact, I think it's pretty common here.  We're all so constantly worn down by the stress the pwBPD brings into our lives.  I have a belief that we people who are highly sensitive (without BPD) and did not grow up with tools or skills to deal with our sensitivity, are now dealing with these strange illnesses because our immune and nervous systems have broken down over time.

But, as painful as it is that your DD left on such bad terms, can you somehow let yourself enjoy the peace you now have in your home?  I'm sure you're hurt and grieving, but grief is a normal process, and it won't last forever.  For me, acknowledging that I'm grieving helps me to separate that pain from the physical pains in my body, which in turn, reduces the physical expression of pain.  Does that make sense?  I still have physical pain and some bad days, but nowhere nearly as often as before. 

I know it hurts to be NC, especially with your own mother invalidating you.  But can you look at this time of NC as an opportunity to enjoy some peace and reduced stress?  It probably won't last, so wouldn't it do you some good to focus on YOU and your DH for a change?

Hang in there!  Please let us know how you're doing.