The possibilty to see the BPDex is messing with my head

[amigo]

Some days I am really close to going N/C. Reading here, learning and growing. He is currently giving me ST and I have not contacted him since his last half-assed text.

The problem is, there is a dance club we both used to go to on tuesday nights and I have a lot of friends there and they keep asking me if I am going (pretty much every tuesday, and asked again today). I have not been going, because I know he is there. Some nights it was harder to stay away some less. I fear his cold stare or his arrogant smile, I will not be able to freely enjoy myself and dance, because I know he is watching and judging me. There was no point in going and I kept telling my friends I am not ready to go there and that was that. Of course they are not familiar with the exact situation, they just know I am avoiding an ex bf.

I think one of the reasons he consistently goes, is because he knows it makes me struggle to stay away. I even admitted to that I do stay away because of him, on our last recycle. I think he gets some pleasure out of this, although he claims it has absolutely nothing to do with me, that he goes there. This could be true, he has been going there for years (me too) and it is a great open air place to dance. But, also after our first breakup he randomly showed up at a club he NEVER goes to (he mentioned many times that he hates it there) and I regularly go to, and later admitted it might have had something to do with seeing me "on a subconscious level".

Of course the reasonable answer is: stay away, N/C!

But here is what I am struggling with:

1) I am mad that he is cramping my style. I have always been self-confident, independent, doing what I want, why do I have to avoid him? Why should I give him the satisfaction of knowing that he still has this much control over me.

2) The sad, sick truth: part of me yearns to see him. We had been texting back and forth about meeting, I let it go, when he clearly wanted to only make it happen on his terms. But if I went tonight I could see him, without showing the weakness of contacting him. He knows that this is my hangout too. And of course the immature side of me wants him to see me at my best: dressed up and dancing.

3) I even think of texting, asking if he is going. But I already know that if he even answers, the response is meaningless. He may say he's not going and then show up just to mess with me. Or the other way around. So then am I using this idea as an excuse to text him? I think I see a flea on me?

I am disgusted with  myself for even writing this, I am seriously confessing here. I know what your answers will be. But its just so damn hard. And I do resent the fact that he is taking away this tuesday evening fun activity with my friends from me. How long will I have to avoid this place? I am already avoiding a bunch of other places because of him. This is messing with me!

Thank you guys for being there. I feel better after this confession and letting myself be "weak" here on this forum, rather than in front of him.

[goldylamont]

well, the one thing i would definitely do is to cut off all contact to him. if he's giving you the ST then you should double down and do the same to him. initiating any contact with him will be seen as a sign of compliance and weakness and used against you.

regarding going to the dance place and your friends--this really depends on how you are feeling. of course you know seeing him will be a trigger. can you trust yourself to completely ignore him and not initiate any contact? if he ignores you completely can you see this as a "win" even if it hurts and feels weird? if he shows out and is flirting with other people can you leave or ignore without making too much of a scene?

perhaps if you decide to go it would be a good idea to take a friend with you, and also have a backup plan for a different place to go if you start feeling overwhelmed. in this way you could say hi to your friends and enjoy yourself for a bit, then have another cool place to take off and go to the moment you don't feel right. all in all, if you decide to simply not go at all, this isn't bad either. over time you can get creative and find other fun ways to spend your time. hope this helps.

this advice from my upcoming book: "To Pee on the Pole or Not to Pee on the Pole: Strategies to Mark Your Territory or to Back Away Post-Borderline Breakup" 

[Caredverymuch]

Some days I am really close to going N/C. Reading here, learning and growing. He is currently giving me ST and I have not contacted him since his last half-assed text.

The problem is, there is a dance club we both used to go to on tuesday nights and I have a lot of friends there and they keep asking me if I am going (pretty much every tuesday, and asked again today). I have not been going, because I know he is there. Some nights it was harder to stay away some less. I fear his cold stare or his arrogant smile, I will not be able to freely enjoy myself and dance, because I know he is watching and judging me. There was no point in going and I kept telling my friends I am not ready to go there and that was that. Of course they are not familiar with the exact situation, they just know I am avoiding an ex bf.

I think one of the reasons he consistently goes, is because he knows it makes me struggle to stay away. I even admitted to that I do stay away because of him, on our last recycle. I think he gets some pleasure out of this, although he claims it has absolutely nothing to do with me, that he goes there. This could be true, he has been going there for years (me too) and it is a great open air place to dance. But, also after our first breakup he randomly showed up at a club he NEVER goes to (he mentioned many times that he hates it there) and I regularly go to, and later admitted it might have had something to do with seeing me "on a subconscious level".

Of course the reasonable answer is: stay away, N/C!

But here is what I am struggling with:

1) I am mad that he is cramping my style. I have always been self-confident, independent, doing what I want, why do I have to avoid him? Why should I give him the satisfaction of knowing that he still has this much control over me.

2) The sad, sick truth: part of me yearns to see him. We had been texting back and forth about meeting, I let it go, when he clearly wanted to only make it happen on his terms. But if I went tonight I could see him, without showing the weakness of contacting him. He knows that this is my hangout too. And of course the immature side of me wants him to see me at my best: dressed up and dancing.

3) I even think of texting, asking if he is going. But I already know that if he even answers, the response is meaningless. He may say he's not going and then show up just to mess with me. Or the other way around. So then am I using this idea as an excuse to text him? I think I see a flea on me?

I am disgusted with  myself for even writing this, I am seriously confessing here. I know what your answers will be. But its just so damn hard. And I do resent the fact that he is taking away this tuesday evening fun activity with my friends from me. How long will I have to avoid this place? I am already avoiding a bunch of other places because of him. This is messing with me!

Thank you guys for being there. I feel better after this confession and letting myself be "weak" here on this forum, rather than in front of him.

Amigo, you are not weak. You are strong and seeking support. There is no judgement here.

I think you do already know the answer though. It seems you are not ready to fully detach. I don't judge you one bit for that because I was not either. I was left. I had no choice. You are at a point where you still can make choices. And as you said, you want to see him. That's all normal and I think something most of us here have felt a great deal too.

I hope by the good work you are putting in with your t and here and with all of the learning about the d/o that you are realizing that this r/s is not a very healthy one?  Again, not judging one bit. None of ours were. That's why we are here.  And I would still be in my pBPD r/s if he hadn't left me. So no judgement from me.

If you are seeking to take control of this situation and stop the hurt and confusion this r/s if clearly giving you, stay NC.

If you feel you want to go to the club for reasons that are still needed of your own, you don't need anyones permission.  All we can do is share our experiences but I will tell you that the many times I went 'back" seeking answers, a reaction, closure, or mostly just because I simply missed him, he was colder and more bristly. It gave him more of that BPD control they just thrive on. There's really no winning. You miss them, want to see them, it empowers them and they continue the cycle. You stay away, they say you abandoned them. After the idealization phase ends, it's one big F'd up crazy making dramatic high octane chaotic mess. Like one of our members said to you in another thread, if you go back to him he will know he can continue to treat you the way he has. Again, only you know where you are in the process.

NC protects you. It's your boundary to your healing. It's not a tool used to hurt or initiate a reaction in the pBPD. I used to think staying NC would make the heart grow fonder in my pBPD. That's not how it works with the disorder. I think we all know that by now.

If you are trying to radically accept and no longer trigger yourself, you have to make changes that are hard and unfair. They will make you mad and it will feel unfair that you have to change things and he doesn't. Like no longer going to the places you will run into one another if you have that choice. Going out is supposed to be fun. So, think of it that way Amigo.

All I can say is this. When we know better, we do better. BPD is such a difficult disorder and the detaching and healing is not for the weak. That's an understatment too 

[amigo]

Dear Goldylamont and Caredverymuch,

thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. This is helping so much. Yes, I know all the answers, but having it written down, by others, who understand and don't judge, helps so very much.

I am going to a completely different place tonight. Will dance tango and not salsa, so there is no possibility of a run in. So at least for tonight I made the right choice.

I haven't decided on my pissing strategies yet, goldylamont  , but I will be sure to read your book on it  And I like the idea that I need to double down on the ST. Really, what happened to me? I used to be so strong. I need to "have a cup of concrete and harden the f... .up !" (I stole that quote from a former rugby player). So thank you for the tough love.

And thank you for the sweet, kind understanding caredverymuch. Also something I need very badly. You are right, I still have some choices. And I will try my best to keep making the right ones. Like tonight.

Hugs to both of you.

[GreenMango]

There are some things worth fighting for... .then there are things that aren't like coffee shops and other replaceables. Sometimes one of the outcomes of a situation like this is an opportunity to stretch and find new places amd people.  Sometimes these places and people can be a whole lot healthier or satisfying too.

Best of luck.

[amigo]

Thank you green mango.

I do try to find new things to do and new people to meet. Actually I have plenty of choices on any given night (I hope I don't sound arrogant, I mean yoga or gym or hanging out with friends). The problem is we are both in the same dance scene and the really good clubs are not so easy to come by. But it's a big city and there are many clubs. So far I have avoided the one's I know he goes to - I think in time (years ?) I will be able to go wherever I want. That's what his ex wife does who has a restraining order against him 

[Caredverymuch]

Thank you green mango.

I do try to find new things to do and new people to meet. Actually I have plenty of choices on any given night (I hope I don't sound arrogant, I mean yoga or gym or hanging out with friends). The problem is we are both in the same dance scene and the really good clubs are not so easy to come by. But it's a big city and there are many clubs. So far I have avoided the one's I know he goes to - I think in time (years ?) I will be able to go wherever I want. That's what his ex wife does who has a restraining order against him 

    I was hoping you wouldn't go! We survivors here will never judge whatever you choose to do, but for me at least, when I read posts from others who are still struggling with understanding this craziness and who have choices,  the caregiver in me wants to throw myself in front of the BPD freight train that is coming full force and loaded with manipulation and hurt and game playing and chaos and drama and lies and well did I say hurt? and put my arms up while screaming PEOPLE DON'T DO IT! DO NOTTTTTTT GO BACK FOR MORE , MY GOOD AND CARING AND KIND AND VALUED AND SO VERY LOVING AND TREMENDOUSly AWESOME SALT OF THE EARTH SUPER FANTASTIC CATCHES THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT DISORDERED WILL LOVE AND APPRECIATE BECAUSE YOU ARE SOO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS INSANITY THATS COMIMG STRAIGHT AT YOU.  But, beside the fact I might get kicked off this board, I do not . And I do not judge anyone. I just don't want what I endured to happen to anyone else with better choices.  But... .I'll keep saying all that silently inside.  And, I am really proud of you, girl, just the same!

Double down, continue to read the Goldys book that just made the best seller list, get some new dancing shoes, and look in the mirror with a big full smile and say " Im better than this!"   

Because you are! We all are  Amigo.

[amigo]

Dear Caredverymuch,

thank you so much, again. Please don't throw yourself in front of that train, we (confused, distraught newbies) need you! 

Well I let that train pass last night and I am better right now. Busy with work. But I know the next train is coming. So I keep reading and posting.

"I am better than this" - thank you for reminding me