Figured out what is bothering me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Thanks all for listening. Just rambling here but I've been trying to figure out what is really bothering me.

When I spoke to my ex, she said some things that really struck me, like how she drove me away because she was stressed at work, in physical pain, and had just moved and didn't have a steady home life (which was my fault, so she claims... .and yes, I did contribute to that part for sure, but the rest, no). She told me she loved me and thinks about me every day. And she felt bad for irreversibly destroying the relationship with me (a bit harsh... .I contributed tons too to the demise).

But here's the thing that has been bothering me. If I am going to have any kind of relationship with anyone, I need to know that they will respect my boundaries. I do really want to res-establish a relationship with my ex in theory and in my heart. Not a romantic relationship, although that would be hard. But, at least start to re-establish a friendly relationship. At least start. But here is the thing, I told her that i couldn't talk to her, that it hurt me too badly and that if she cared about me, to stop contacting me. That was a boundary. And she didn't respect it. She called every single day for about a week. And I broke down. And it wasn't just phone calls. It was the random email every few weeks too. Then, when we spoke, she said something about how she wasn't 'disrespecting' my wishes by calling me. But, obviously she was (gaslighting).

So, how can I even think of re-establishing any kind of relationship with someone if I don't feel any comfort that they will respect my boundaries. That is the thing that is bothering me. It is obvious. She won't. She never did. Maybe never will. No matter what I do or say, she doesn't care about my boundaries. I don't trust her. At all. So then, how could I have any kind of friendship with her?

It is breaking my heart again, all over again. This time though, I don't feel like it is 'my fault', as she always claims. I'm really starting to see how this situation can't ever work. I matter. My health and well-being matter. And because of that, I don't think I can have any kind of relationship with her. I guess I can talk to her about it and see how that goes. But, I doubt it will go very well. I can give it one more shot and see if she is capable of it. Or, maybe I've done enough. I've tried enough.

[willy45]

Thanks all for listening. Just rambling here but I've been trying to figure out what is really bothering me.

When I spoke to my ex, she said some things that really struck me, like how she drove me away because she was stressed at work, in physical pain, and had just moved and didn't have a steady home life (which was my fault, so she claims... .and yes, I did contribute to that part for sure, but the rest, no). She told me she loved me and thinks about me every day. And she felt bad for irreversibly destroying the relationship with me (a bit harsh... .I contributed tons too to the demise).

But here's the thing that has been bothering me. If I am going to have any kind of relationship with anyone, I need to know that they will respect my boundaries. I do really want to res-establish a relationship with my ex in theory and in my heart. Not a romantic relationship, although that would be hard. But, at least start to re-establish a friendly relationship. At least start. But here is the thing, I told her that i couldn't talk to her, that it hurt me too badly and that if she cared about me, to stop contacting me. That was a boundary. And she didn't respect it. She called every single day for about a week. And I broke down. And it wasn't just phone calls. It was the random email every few weeks too. Then, when we spoke, she said something about how she wasn't 'disrespecting' my wishes by calling me. But, obviously she was (gaslighting).

So, how can I even think of re-establishing any kind of relationship with someone if I don't feel any comfort that they will respect my boundaries. That is the thing that is bothering me. It is obvious. She won't. She never did. Maybe never will. No matter what I do or say, she doesn't care about my boundaries. I don't trust her. At all. So then, how could I have any kind of friendship with her?

It is breaking my heart again, all over again. This time though, I don't feel like it is 'my fault', as she always claims. I'm really starting to see how this situation can't ever work. I matter. My health and well-being matter. And because of that, I don't think I can have any kind of relationship with her. I guess I can talk to her about it and see how that goes. But, I doubt it will go very well. I can give it one more shot and see if she is capable of it. Or, maybe I've done enough. I've tried enough.

[pavilion]

Your post sounds very familiar to me Willy. I finally ended the relationship with my uBPDbf 3 days ago. I had lost any romantic feelings for him but still loved and still do love him. I think once that romance has gone (which, let's face it, was based on the person you thought you'd initially met) it is very hard to get it back. And because they sense that you aren't as into them they make more efforts to cling to you. You say she felt bad for irreversibly destroying the relationship but that you contributed too - this also rings true for me. He has recently decided to claim that it was ALL his fault (black and white thinking).  I wonder if the biggest part we have in it is allowing the behaviour to continue without putting the boundaries in there an then and to keep going back for more!

I have read many posts on here now because I am still hurting from what has happened and it seems that you will NEVER have a healthy boundaried relationship with someone with this disorder. They are unwell and it is something hard wired within them. If you can accept this you might be able to maintain a relationship. I guess it is a question of do the good times outweigh the bad.

I think you know in your heart what is right here but maybe you need to recycle once more to remind yourself?