Need advice with considering move out of Region, I have full custody.

[hurry.up.and.wait]

Hi folks, its been a while but your advice has always been helpful in the past.

i am starting to contimplate moving out of the area where I now live with my D5. I have legal and physical custody, her mother lives nearby. I have a job contract for the next 10 months, but need to consider moving out of the area if I can't find another job locally for next year.

Any advice is very welcome, thanks!

[ForeverDad]

Consult with a few local experienced family law attorneys to determine how the local court handles moves.  Almost surely there is a notification form that you have to file with the court.  Even if the other parent doesn't object, the court may have to step in to adjust the parenting schedule.  Your ex, if she doesn't follow you, would likely get the longer school holidays and perhaps extended time during the summers, depending on what the current parenting she has now.  The exchange expenses ought to be split between the parents.  Likely you'll be stuck with more than half the expenses, but don't volunteer too much or more than required.  Niceness is seldom if ever appreciated or reciprocated.

[Matt]

How much time does your current court order provide for D5 to be with her mom?  How much time does she actually spend with her mom?

Here's my experience - not the same situation but for whatever it's worth... .

Married 12 years, divorced with 50/50 custody, kids were 8 and 10.  A couple years later I had to move to another town in the same state for work - about 4 hours away.  The town I was moving to was where my ex used to live, and she always said that was her favorite place.

I offered to pay for her move, and give her extra money for a few months, but she said no.  We had a court-appointed mediator, and discussed it with him for several months, but no progress.

Finally I told my ex - with the mediator present - that we needed to settle it right away because of school - I needed to get the kids started in school in the new place.  I said, "If we can settle it today, great, but if not I'll file a motion tomorrow asking for primary custody, and I'll disclose everything relevant, including things you would probably prefer not go into the record."  She had done some stuff - false accusations etc. - that was against the law.

She then agreed to my original proposal, and we filed that motion with the court, jointly.  I moved with the kids, and a few months later she moved too.

So... .along with what FD said, it seems to me that you could put together a proposal - what you think would be best, and why - maybe include either visitation arrangements, and/or an option to assist Mom to make the move too, and make that offer in writing, so you can show that you made a good-faith attempt to resolve the matter.

Give her a week or two to respond - put that date into your letter - "This offer is good until August 17, 2014."  If she says no, or doesn't respond, then file a motion with the court - consulting a lawyer or two would be best, but it might be possible to do this yourself if you can't find a lawyer to help.  Make sure you are explaining everything based on what is best for D5:  "In order to continue to provide D5 with everything she needs, I need steady employment, and I will have that in NewTown, so I need to move there by July 2015."

Worst case, if your ex fights, this could go to a hearing, and you'll need to be prepared to explain very clearly why you need to make the move, and what other options you considered - could you find work where you live now?  Could you get a different kind of job?  Etc.

Think about every objection her mom might make - "But she'll be further from her grandparents!", "But she won't be able to see her friends!", etc. - and be prepared to answer those, always focusing on how the move will be best for D5.

Also make sure your proposal shows you are willing to be reasonable to find a way D5 can see her mom about the same amount of time.  If she now sees her one day a week, maybe she could see her two days every other weekend, for example.

If Mom makes a counter-proposal, and it's reasonable, consider taking some of her ideas, so you can come to an agreement without the hassle of court.  If you can settle it that way, and file a joint motion, the court will almost surely approve it.

[livednlearned]

I looked into this for my state -- I have full legal/physical custody. At the time, N/BPDx had visitation.

Where I live, there are 9 criteria the court considers when a parent wants to move out of state. So this is for out of state -- might be different than what you're talking about.

The criteria included things like: child's relationship with both parents, whether the custodial parent had a job lined up, whether extended family was the purpose of the move, how the child was doing in school, what kind of school district was in the new town. That's all I can remember for now.

My lawyer thought it would take 9 months between filing and getting the order signed and sealed, especially since N/BPDx appeared to be very high-conflict and obstructed everything. That was 9 months even if the judge gave me permission to move.

If you're just talking about the region, like moving a couple of hours away, that could be a lot easier.

[hurry.up.and.wait]

Thanks All,

I am just trying to get a sense of what my options are, because I really don't know what things will be like for me in a year. It sounds like if I did need to relocate that depending on how far I went I could need months of time in advance to handle all the court issues. This would seem to negate any possibilty of ever actually moving to get work (I am a teacher in a highly populated metro region, but getting a job is still never certain), because what school is gonna promise you a job for 6+ months to sortvout legal stuff?

Not to rush life away, but sometimes I can't stop myself from thinking, 13 years to go... .

[ForeverDad]

Matt's option for offering to assist in ex to move with you probably is not advisable in your situation, he has joint, equal time on paper, etc and so it worked for him, whereas you have full custody and majority time.

I have had custody of D4 for the past 2 years. D's mom has supervised visits 1-2 times a week, interactions have been basically unremarkable, D is doing very well in my care... .

If your daughter's mother still has supervised visitation then your problems with the court ought to be limited.  What I wrote about long visits on school holidays and summer vacations may not apply, or in a limited way.  So find out what local lawyers' advice and suggestions are, due to her supervised status I feel it may not be as difficult to accomplish as is typical for most members here.

[hurry.up.and.wait]

Thanks FD,

Visits recently became unsupervised with no safety concerns presenting so far, also there are now overnights and, in theory the visitation is supposed to increase a little more. Ultimately it seems that my work situation would really need to be dire to warrent such a move,.

[ForeverDad]

Ultimately it seems that my work situation would really need to be dire to warrant such a move.

No, it's your decision, not just dictated by work.  Work is just one factor among many in your decision to relocate.  And as I wrote before, people move all the time.  The only big issue is that you're dealing with a parent with some poor behaviors.  That complicates a move but not as much as for many of us because you are the custodial and majority time parent and she's been supervised in the past.

In other words, don't sell yourself short.  You are in a better position than most here with regard to potential relocation.

[Matt]

Where I live, the court wants to know why you are making the move, and how it will impact the time the other parent has with the child.  If the court has given the other parent a certain amount of time with the child, and moving will reduce that, there has to be a very good reason for the move, and you need to offer the best way possible to keep the child's time with the other parent about the same.

For example, if the move means less time with the other parent during the school year, you could offer more time during the summer.  Or more time over Christmas and spring breaks.