How Do You Deal with feelings that it is your fault...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I've been a member of this board for a little while now... .and I am thankful to have come to a realization of BPD, to have new understanding that I'm not going through this crazy thing alone... .but that there are many many others "out there" who can understand exactly what I'm going through... .and I have seen a change in my practices here in my home with uBPDh because of things I've learned here... .

For starters, uBPDh's behavior doesn't have AS MUCH "power over me" as it used to... .although I still feel too influenced, hurt, and emotionally thrown by it... .I'm still daily wrestling with staying or going, fighting with this or letting it go... .trying to be what I can be here or releasing myself to be what I can be without the cloud of this BPD... .

My struggle of the moment is trying to handle my own emotions... .I know I need to get a good T who deals with BPD... .Haven't done that yet... .I feel like the last few years have made me much weaker and I have my own issues that make things harder for uBPDh... .Insecurity is a big one... .I try to fight my weaknesses daily, but it definitely gives him fuel for the fire of blaming me for everything we go through... .I feel some of his arguments are definitely justified because I know my behavior at times is wrong... .I am trying to see realistically even then though, because even though I am at fault and do things that hurt and bother him, I do try to be honest with myself and him, to humble myself and apologize when I do screw up, and to get things right with him... .I am trying to stand on the fact that it is not right for him to condemn me and speak hopeless, "it's never gonna change" type things when I screw up, because I honestly AM trying to address my mistakes/character flaws, and to change for the better... . 

Can anyone add anything that can help me not feel so bad about all this?  Thanks in advance. 

[thereishope]

So I've been a member of this board for a little while now... .and I am thankful to have come to a realization of BPD, to have new understanding that I'm not going through this crazy thing alone... .but that there are many many others "out there" who can understand exactly what I'm going through... .and I have seen a change in my practices here in my home with uBPDh because of things I've learned here... .

For starters, uBPDh's behavior doesn't have AS MUCH "power over me" as it used to... .although I still feel too influenced, hurt, and emotionally thrown by it... .I'm still daily wrestling with staying or going, fighting with this or letting it go... .trying to be what I can be here or releasing myself to be what I can be without the cloud of this BPD... .

My struggle of the moment is trying to handle my own emotions... .I know I need to get a good T who deals with BPD... .Haven't done that yet... .I feel like the last few years have made me much weaker and I have my own issues that make things harder for uBPDh... .Insecurity is a big one... .I try to fight my weaknesses daily, but it definitely gives him fuel for the fire of blaming me for everything we go through... .I feel some of his arguments are definitely justified because I know my behavior at times is wrong... .I am trying to see realistically even then though, because even though I am at fault and do things that hurt and bother him, I do try to be honest with myself and him, to humble myself and apologize when I do screw up, and to get things right with him... .I am trying to stand on the fact that it is not right for him to condemn me and speak hopeless, "it's never gonna change" type things when I screw up, because I honestly AM trying to address my mistakes/character flaws, and to change for the better... . 

Can anyone add anything that can help me not feel so bad about all this?  Thanks in advance. 

[thereishope]

I just want to be healthy, whole, strong, and to move forward, being able to spread light and encouragement, and to help other people... .instead, I am lingering here, very very tired, and unable to figure out what I even want to do.  So tired... .

[Suspicious1]

You sound exactly like I did a year ago - I wrote a very heartfelt journal post about this exact thing - how I was trying to be a better person and not continually screw up. When I read it back now I just want to go back and hug myself.

Over the subsequent months, I realised that EVERYONE screws up. Everyone has character flaws. I realised I wanted a partner who loved the entirety of me, flaws and all. There's self awareness and improvement, and then there's trying to make yourself into the perfect person that your partner has projected onto you. In the end I figured that instead of expecting me to change myself to match his needs, my partner would either have to accept me or find the person out there who was already suited to his needs. Instead of punishing me for not being someone else, he should just go and find that someone else and leave me to find someone who actually *liked* me for who I was.

That's probably not the answer you were hoping for, but it helped me forgive myself for not being perfect.

[thereishope]

PS... .have tried to start creating boundaries and standing for what I believe I should be doing, etc... .

I apparently have "given him so much control" by walking on eggshells for the last 4 years that he really just states that I CAN'T do something I was trying to make a boundary and move forward to do... .

Two examples which are ridiculous... .yet somehow it's "the way it is right now"... . My grown daughter has taken a stand "against" uBPDh because he had thrown knives across the kitchen in my direction once, and she just chooses not to be in his presence anymore... .He is very offended by this because he has done a lot of nice things for her and her boyfriend for years, and he feels he has done nothing "to them" to warrant their staying away and "judging" him the way they are... .Therefore, he believes if I "go out of my way" to see my daughter, I am DISRESPECTING him as my husband and he COMES FIRST... .So I actually pressed the matter over the weekend and said I would like to see her once a month, and planned to spend the day with her yesterday.  (I hadn't realized he had planned a surprise for my birthday yesterday, so the plans fell through, and she understood... .)  His reaction to me even bringing it up was that I was wrecking his whole week, my birthday week he was planning for me, and I KNOW HOW HE FEELS, so even bringing it up was WRONG on my part... .His stance is pretty much "You are NOT going to go out of the way to see her", but if she comes here and makes amends, then I can see her here... .in a nutshell.  So much for making boundaries and actually carrying through with what I believe I should be doing... .He has a point about respect, but is taking it too far?

Second example... .my heart is to serve people... .so I determined... "ok, so if I'm stuck here, dealing with this situation, I will try to find ways to help and serve others from this as my home base... ."  I found a Disabled Veterans Center right down the road, stopped in a few months ago and asked if they need volunteers... .figuring I could do this during the day with the kids while he is at work... . Long story short... .today the lady from the DAV called me asking if I could help her out... .I told uBPDh and he says, "You are NOT going there today... .You are going to ENJOY your birthday... ."  What's important to me goes out the window, right?... .because one thing that gives me joy is to know I'm helping someone... . 

I guess I'm just venting, but this MAKING BOUNDARIES AND DOING THINGS FOR ME thing is RIDICULOUSLY DIFFICULT in the face of a BPD SO who actually thinks they have the right/prerogative to tell you what you CAN and CAN'T do... . I have tried to love him and do good here, but yikes... .I can NOT allow someone to think this way... .It's not good for him, me, or for my kids to observe either... .

Your thoughts?

[thereishope]

You sound exactly like I did a year ago - I wrote a very heartfelt journal post about this exact thing - how I was trying to be a better person and not continually screw up. When I read it back now I just want to go back and hug myself.

Over the subsequent months, I realised that EVERYONE screws up. Everyone has character flaws. I realised I wanted a partner who loved the entirety of me, flaws and all. There's self awareness and improvement, and then there's trying to make yourself into the perfect person that your partner has projected onto you. In the end I figured that instead of expecting me to change myself to match his needs, my partner would either have to accept me or find the person out there who was already suited to his needs. Instead of punishing me for not being someone else, he should just go and find that someone else and leave me to find someone who actually *liked* me for who I was.

That's probably not the answer you were hoping for, but it helped me forgive myself for not being perfect.

Thank you so much for your response... .It actually DOES help me... .very much.  Somewhere down deep inside I know these things you are saying... .and that part of me is fighting with everything to reach the surface and take a stand... .  I love the way you worded this.  I need to really grasp it, and stand on it.  Thanks again. 

[elessar]

thereishope,

I just wrote an article in the leaving board why you should not feel that it is your fault

[Suspicious1]

One of the things that I've noticed on here is how we're all subject to working really hard to understand our pwBPD and be flexible with our expectations, whilst being utterly rigid when it comes to ourselves. After a while it was like his needs swamped mine. No wonder I felt so hollow - I'm a person with my own quirks and needs too and would have appreciated a bit of that understanding, acceptance and leniency. Especially when I considered that my "crimes" were to be just a bit oblivious sometimes, or a bit tetchy when I was tired, or not entirely patient 100% of the time. Normal stuff. Stuff that would be shrugged off, or apologised for and forgotten under normal circumstances.

Anyway, what helped me was when I stopped thinking of myself and others as a list of good and bad attributes (with the bad attributes seen as flaws needing to be worked on, overcome and forgiven), and started seeing myself and others as a cluster of good and bad attributes that happened to make up a whole person (with the bad attributes seen as a part of the whole, forming a picture of either a likeable or an unlikeable person). My job, therefore, is not to improve myself to become what another person desires by minimising my flaws, but to find someone whose cluster of attributes fits with mine. And who maybe finds my flaws either non-annoying, or quirky and interesting

I suppose I just got tired of being punished, and apologising, just for being myself.

[thereishope]

thereishope,

I just wrote an article in the leaving board why you should not feel that it is your fault

Thank you, elessar... .I'll go check it out! 

[thereishope]

One of the things that I've noticed on here is how we're all subject to working really hard to understand our pwBPD and be flexible with our expectations, whilst being utterly rigid when it comes to ourselves. After a while it was like his needs swamped mine. No wonder I felt so hollow - I'm a person with my own quirks and needs too and would have appreciated a bit of that understanding, acceptance and leniency. Especially when I considered that my "crimes" were to be just a bit oblivious sometimes, or a bit tetchy when I was tired, or not entirely patient 100% of the time. Normal stuff. Stuff that would be shrugged off, or apologised for and forgotten under normal circumstances.

Anyway, what helped me was when I stopped thinking of myself and others as a list of good and bad attributes (with the bad attributes seen as flaws needing to be worked on, overcome and forgiven), and started seeing myself and others as a cluster of good and bad attributes that happened to make up a whole person (with the bad attributes seen as a part of the whole, forming a picture of either a likeable or an unlikeable person). My job, therefore, is not to improve myself to become what another person desires by minimising my flaws, but to find someone whose cluster of attributes fits with mine. And who maybe finds my flaws either non-annoying, or quirky and interesting

I suppose I just got tired of being punished, and apologising, just for being myself.

This is an extremely AWESOME concept I really need to grasp ahold of.  Thank you again for taking the time to share it.  Your thoughts are very good and I think necessary... .It's AMAZING how far away from this healthy view that a r/s with a SO with BPD takes our minds/thoughts/actions... .Completely internalizing the proper running of the universe so that we are responsible for ALL THINGS (haha... .as if!), and as you stated, completely rigid in our dealings with ourselves, with our normal personality quirks! 

Interested in anything else from your experience that you might want to share... .it really does help!  Thanks!   

[hope4tomorrow]

I do recommend finding a good therapist.  The biggest thing that has helped me and that I've worked on in therapy over the past few months is being more assertive about my needs and desires.  It really shocked my uBPDh the first few times I stood up to him when he said he didn't want me to go somewhere or do something.  Because typically I would just go along with what he wanted, but I've stopped doing that.  Learning that your needs/desires aren't wrong and deserve to be heard is hard.  For me guilt always played a role too.  And the guilt is what makes you feel like everything is your fault.

Also realizing that the blaming/accusing/etc they do is the disorder talking, not reality.  I tell myself this multiple times a day, some days it helps, some days it doesn't.  Keep trying to stay positive.  We are here for you!

[thereishope]

I do recommend finding a good therapist.  The biggest thing that has helped me and that I've worked on in therapy over the past few months is being more assertive about my needs and desires.  It really shocked my uBPDh the first few times I stood up to him when he said he didn't want me to go somewhere or do something.  Because typically I would just go along with what he wanted, but I've stopped doing that.  Learning that your needs/desires aren't wrong and deserve to be heard is hard.  For me guilt always played a role too.  And the guilt is what makes you feel like everything is your fault.

Also realizing that the blaming/accusing/etc they do is the disorder talking, not reality.  I tell myself this multiple times a day, some days it helps, some days it doesn't.  Keep trying to stay positive.  We are here for you!

I hear you.  I'm not quite sure what to say when he says, "You're just NOT DOING THAT, and that's that."  Do I say, "Oh yes I am" and let the chips fall where they may?  I'm thinking that's probably the next step... .

[hope4tomorrow]

I do recommend finding a good therapist.  The biggest thing that has helped me and that I've worked on in therapy over the past few months is being more assertive about my needs and desires.  It really shocked my uBPDh the first few times I stood up to him when he said he didn't want me to go somewhere or do something.  Because typically I would just go along with what he wanted, but I've stopped doing that.  Learning that your needs/desires aren't wrong and deserve to be heard is hard.  For me guilt always played a role too.  And the guilt is what makes you feel like everything is your fault.

Also realizing that the blaming/accusing/etc they do is the disorder talking, not reality.  I tell myself this multiple times a day, some days it helps, some days it doesn't.  Keep trying to stay positive.  We are here for you!

I hear you.  I'm not quite sure what to say when he says, "You're just NOT DOING THAT, and that's that."  Do I say, "Oh yes I am" and let the chips fall where they may?  I'm thinking that's probably the next step... .

I sometimes just don't respond at all initially and let him calm down.  Then later bring it up when he is calmer and explain that I will be going.  Often times for me it is something he knew about and has been on the calendar and he just changes his mind as the date gets closer.  To that I usually say, "no, I am not breaking my plans, you said this was ok when I set this up and I am going."  This has been hard, one time he literraly sent the kids out of the house chasing after my car because he had told them they were going with me.  I drove away crying, but knew that I had a right to keep plans with a friend. 

For your volunteering, I would say something like, "This is something that is important to me and I am going to go.  If you would like me to take the kids, I can do that, or if you would like to keep them home, that's fine too.  Just let me know."  I have found that when I have the option to bring the kids it usually isn't a big deal to leave them home, but the times I don't have an option to bring them is when he will say he is not "babysitting" my kids.  To which I usually reply, "They are your kids too."