Not sure what to do

[Cloudy Days]

My husband was picked up by police and is now being held by homeland security. He made a threat over the phone to a social security worker when he got frustrated with them. He didn't mean the threat, he's just stupid. I don't know what he thought it would accomplish.  Anyways, they are going to keep him for 4 months to do a mental evaluation on him and force meds onto him before they proceed with his hearing. It's been a little over a week since this has happened. I am struggling with the idea of leaving. I know that my life has been very peaceful for the last week because he is gone. I find myself very depressed though and don't want to be around people. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to see my parents. I just want to be alone. Is this normal? I have been talking to my husband over the phone and he goes up and down as usual. I know that I prayed for something like this to give me some time to make a decision. Why do I want to stay with him so badly still? I know that I would be happier without him. I also know that I would have a hard time letting him go though. I still love him so much. I am going to make an appointment with my old therapist. I actually really enjoyed my memorial day weekend, I even went out and visited with my parents. But the entire time I was there I just wanted to go home and be alone. I don't even want my husband back at this point I just want to be alone. What is that all about? At some point he is going to be let out on bond and I'm certain he will serve time for this outside of the 4 months once he makes a deal or goes to trial, which could be awhile. I am struggling with the overwhelming feeling of wanting to be there for him. And another overwhelming feeling of wanting to be free of him. It's very confusing and depressing all at the same time. I did see a therapist that is my husbands therapist and she told me not to make a decision while my emotions are running on high. And in time I will be more prepared to make a decision and I will be more able to detach if I want to. This is all very hard and I just want to run away from everything. I think I have spent most of the last week trying to numb my emotions with distractions. I thought I was feeling better but the depression keeps coming back with a vengeance. The uncertainty and the fact that I need to either decide to stay or leave keeps coming back. It's easier to just say that I'm staying and not have to say good bye to the man that I love. But my life would be easier in general if I left him because he creates so much drama, and I am sick of the drama. so sick of it. 

I mean it's not like he did something to me that was a deal breaker, if he did this would be easier. I truly think he just made a dumb mistake, he has brain damage and has no filter when he gets frustrated, we have testing to prove it. If I left it wouldn't be because of the situation he is in but because I was not happy with how things were before he was taken away. Now he is in damage control mode where he lays the lovey dovey stuff on thick. Which makes me uncomfortable to be honest, because I know what it is now. It's probably heart felt but only because he thinks he might loose me and that's the only time he actually acts like he wants me around, when he might loose me. It feels like a mind game, it feels like manipulation and I am falling for it like I always do with him. Because I want to believe it. It almost makes me hate him because it would be so much easier if he just acted crazy at all times wouldn't it.

[Grey Kitty]

  What a tough and complicated situation for you! My heart goes out to you.

I'm glad you have plans to see your old therapist. You certainly need support going through this!

I mean it's not like he did something to me that was a deal breaker, if he did this would be easier. I truly think he just made a dumb mistake, he has brain damage and has no filter when he gets frustrated, we have testing to prove it. If I left it wouldn't be because of the situation he is in but because I was not happy with how things were before he was taken away.

If I remember correctly, a few days before this all happened, you posted that you wanted to leave, but he was always home, and you couldn't figure out a safe way to get out, and were also worried about your two dogs.

It is true that he got himself into this mess, in a way that didn't involve anything done to you when he got himself picked up by the police.

I just want to be alone.

Honor this feeling.

Here's one possible way to honor the desire to be alone: Use this time while he is away to either move yourself out, or move him out of it. Tell him that you want to live alone now, and that is what you will do.

You can choose not to live under the same roof, without choosing to break up with him immediately. Give yourself as much space to decide that as you need. You sound very conflicted about that... . and that is normal and natural--thinking about ending a r/s IS very hard, and the conflict between loving him and wanting out of the bad parts of your r/s is very real.

You can honor your feelings of uncertainty as well as the desire to be alone.

[Cloudy Days]

I do know that I am struggling with the fact that I do still love him. I always imagined if I had to leave someone it would be because I no longer loved them. This is quite the opposite because I will always love him, I don't know how to walk away from someone I love. And yes I did want to move out, I don't understand why my feelings seem to change with the circumstances. I also know that if he had done something different like take medication I would have been happy to give him another shot at trying. At this point the medication is going to be forced on him, he's already refused to take one pill and is asking for an alternative, he's going to be in there for 4 months no matter what. I know that none of those pills are going to make him normal though. Taking a pill doesn't fix things. Why can't I let go of him? This is the reason I never left in the first place. I could never actually let go enough to walk out that door.

I know that if I do leave him I am going to have to tell him and he is going to beg me not to leave. He's going to do everything in his power to keep me with him. I just don't know if I can handle it because I am already struggling with the decision as it is. The simple fact is, is that I do want him, I will always want him. I just don't want all of him, which creates a very conflicted mind.

[seeking balance]

Cloudy Days,

4 months is a long time for you to work with your T while he is being held and hopefully he can begin a therapy program that may work.

Right now, he is in panic mode (rightfully so), but it is possible you could talk with the T he is required to see and get a good foundation of how to best handle the possibility of leaving.

You honestly don't have to do anything right now - do you?

Regarding wanting to be alone - seems reasonable after all you have been through - rebalancing your energy is a good focus for you during this time.

Peace,

SB

[Littleleft]

You've seemed so sure in previous posts that you wanted to leave but said you couldn't because he was always there - so perhaps this is the opportunity you've been looking for.  Obviously the decision is yours to leave and I wouldn't want to influence you, I just want to remind you what you've said. Maybe you could read over your previous posts to remind you what you've been feeling and thinking.  

It's never going to be an easy decision to make, but just because it's hard doesn't mean it's wrong.  If your not going to go now, then what would it take for you to actually go? Would you rather wait til he's home and things escalate further?

Have you told your family the extent of what's going on yet? Sometimes just telling someone like a friend or family the true extent of what's going on can make us see just how bad things really are which can help us with decision making.

Also, imagine if a friend was telling you that they were going through what you've been going through - what advice would you give them? We're usually not as nice and forgiving to ourselves as we are to friends and thinking of your own problems in this way can help, I find.

At least you've got some time to think without him there for a while now.  Sounds like it would be a great time to start talking to a therapist (if you aren't already) to help you make sense of how you're feeling and to maybe help you get a bit more clarity.

I hope you can gain some strength in his absence to help you decide what you need to do.  

[Cloudy Days]

Right now, he is in panic mode (rightfully so), but it is possible you could talk with the T he is required to see and get a good foundation of how to best handle the possibility of leaving.

He's not seeing a Therapist while being locked up, They basically just give you medication in there. The therapist I am talking about is his regular therapist that he was seeing. I had been seeing her a little bit too in order to help our marriage in the past. It was agreed I would find my own though before this happened. And she hasn't been much help on helping me decide what to do, I know it is something I need to do myself. 

I really was sure in that moment that I wanted to leave, because I was so worn out, I've been struggling with it for a long time. I've been waiting for this to feel right, I guess it's never going to feel right.  It feels right to stay not to go. I know that I have picked up some fleas . My moods change right along with his moods. I've decided so many times that I had had enough and a little bit of time goes by and I change my mind. I think that's why I feel so depressed at this point. I keep flip flopping, I don't know what I want and it's making me sick trying to decide. I just know I would like to stop stringing him along. If I am going to leave I feel like I should just do it and get it over with so he can begin to heal. But I feel paralyzed to make that choice.

[Grey Kitty]

I do know that I am struggling with the fact that I do still love him. I always imagined if I had to leave someone it would be because I no longer loved them. This is quite the opposite because I will always love him, I don't know how to walk away from someone I love.

I don't know how much this will help you resolve your dilemma, but I do clearly remember when I hit my point of clarity during a long meditation retreat.

My realization was that I would always love my wife for the rest of my life, no matter what AND that the way I was living with her was destroying me. So I needed to change things and might have to leave.

It felt sad but the clarity was peaceful for me. It also gave me the resolve to change things I needed to change in myself that led to improvement in our relationship.

I've seen others here on this forum find the same sort of clarity. Some are staying. Others are leaving. Either way it looks good for them because they have the clarity to move forward.

 give yourself the time you need to find your own peace with it.

[seeking balance]

He's not seeing a Therapist while being locked up, They basically just give you medication in there.

As his wife, can you advocate for him to actually see a therapist to help with behavioral changes? 

And she hasn't been much help on helping me decide what to do, I know it is something I need to do myself. 

I do think getting your own T may be able to help with clarity on this.

But I feel paralyzed to make that choice.

Again, you have the luxury of a bit of time without chaos - do you have to make a choice right now?

[Boss302]

Cloudy, a similar situation happened with my BPDx, except the forced separation was due to my father's death. I ended up staying with my mom for about three weeks, and I was struck by how happy I was. Think about that for a moment: I was happier grieving my father, and being with my mom, who was devastated, than I would have been to go home and see my own family. What's wrong with that picture?

Eventually, I figured it out: I didn't want to go home to HER, and a couple of weeks without her craziness gave me the space to figure that out.

My only advice would be to forget about what's right for HIM and do what's right for YOU. I can clearly hear in your posts how worried and concerned you are about him, but he's being cared for. For right now, he's not your problem. Let the professionals handle him, and care for yourself instead.

I'd use this time to think about what YOU want out of your life, and whether having this man in your life gets you closer or further away from that goal. I think the other question you have to answer for yourself is whether you even want to be associated with someone who pulls this kind of nonsense. Even if "he didn't mean to," he's shown himself to be capable of some first-rate crazy behavior. Do you really want to live your life with someone who has the potential to blow up like that at any moment? Keep in mind that under the wrong circumstances, this might affect you legally as well. Is this how you want to live your life?

You need to take this time to decide that question. God bless.

[Cloudy Days]

I cannot do anything about getting him a therapist while he is being held, my hands are tied, he's not going to get special treatment. I was told that the place he is going is suppose to be somewhat nice, at least compared prisons in general. So I am hoping that he will get treated with kindness. My biggest fear for him is that he will be harassed by guards, he's already complaining of it.

I have really been thinking about what I want. I know that I was and still am addicted to my husband. It's something I talked to his therapist about. I know that the only reason I want him is because this was so much of a shock. I wasn't prepared to let go yet. I know that I have time to decide. I just don't want to get 3 months down the road and still be in the same thinking pattern I am now, which is completely confused and unsure of myself. It's been almost two weeks and while I am really enjoying my freedom with out his insanity, every time I think about actually leaving him for good it hurts so much. I crave him right now, I really do. Being around other people just depresses me, being alone isn't any more less depressing either, I just know I need some time alone to greave and try and be ok, it just doesn't feel like I will ever be ok again. I feel like I am in a no win situation. If I leave I am leaving the only man I have ever loved in my life, he's my only friend, the only person I ever really opened up to in my life. If I stay then I have to deal with his crazy behavior and the possibility that he may never get better.

[Grey Kitty]

  It has been more like two months than two weeks now. How are you doing now?

[Cloudy Days]

I haven't been getting on here lately. Honestly, I miss him. I guess that means I haven't given up on him yet. I know I haven't given up on him. He's had the mental evaluation and is waiting for transfer back to his home state. Anyways, taking it one day at a time I suppose. I haven't been able to relax lately, feel very anxious and exhausted, I keep having terrible nightmares. I don't think any of it really has anything to do with him either. I was seeing a therapist but I never actually felt like she helped at all and I was tired of her suggesting medication. To be fair I have other family issues going on too that have nothing to do with my husband. Been trying to find ways to relax my mind so I can feel rested.

[Grey Kitty]

  Wishing you some rest and some peace.

Is there anything we can help you work through or figure out?

[Cloudy Days]

No but thank you. I bought a meditation book for my husband while he was getting this evaluation and I am actually waiting for him to send it to me so I can take a gander at it. I've been trying to relax there is just always so much to do, plus my job has been stressing me out. It's been a rough year, I lost my grandmother, her birthday would have been tomorrow, my mentor at my job retired so I have no support like I used to so I am kind of on my own now, and then this happens to my husband which is stressful all by itself , let alone figuring out how to mow the lawn and take on his load of the housework which was more than I actually thought it was. And to top it all off my dad seems to think drinking himself to death is the best way to deal with his grief and refuses to go to the hospital even though he feels like he is dying. Its just a lot of things I have no control over so I feel pretty overwhelmed emotionally and mentally tiered all the time. My main support is my mother and I can't really stand do be around my drunk father, he's turned into a completely different person within a year. Just wish life would let up a little bit ya know.