What can I say instead of 'I'm sorry'?

[stuckgirl]

I think it is possible.

If you want to work hard, (and i mean work really HARD) on your r/s, you can start using techniques to understand what is upsetting him,talking to him... giving him space... validating,etc.

If you want to stop the blame game right then and there and not care about a fight started from the jam being too sweet or something,then leave the room and do not reply.

Simply tell him you wont talk to him until he stops harassing you,blaming you,set a boundary then stick to it,or zip your mouth and go for a walk until he calms down.

Apologizing,accepting blame will make a pwBPD gradually shift to behaving ninety nine times worse to you.

NEVER APOLOGIZE

Even shifting the blame completely on him and attacking and starting a full fledged row is loads better than apologizing,thus giving him the go,to abuse you more

[ColdEthyl]

You know what's really messed up about this? I've apologized a million times about... .nothing just to end arguments about piddly stuff... .until I figured out what the heck his problem is. And just like your counselor, I resolved to finding language that validates his outlook without me admitting guilt or apologising... .this crap has become a challenge for myself. Can I defuse the bomb before it blows my fingers of? Let's find out... .

The other connection I just made here is this language is EXACTLY the type of phrases my boss says to surgeons to calm them down (I work in an OR surgical scheduling) when they don't get what they want or think they are entitled to. I always disliked her politics, mostly because I am so straight forward, that this seems on the cusp of lying to me. But now I've had a total realization that truth is relative to a certain extent, as in I can be honest in what I say, but I need to tailor it because of whom I deal with.

I know this is an old post, but I can't tell you how many times I have wondered this same thing.  My counselor says to say "hmm... .that's one way of looking at it." Or "that's something I'll have to think about" when confronted with yet another baseless accusation or criticism.  

This is the response I received when apparently I apologized one too many times according to my BPDh:  "I'm sorry but if you can't see that then I'm sorry about being sorry."

Now I never say it.  

[bansh]

I used to resist the "I'm sorry card" (it really is a card) despite how utterly spent I was, just to convince myself I still had some sort of dignity trickling in somewhere. 

But the alternatives are walking away (which showed me the nuclear meltdowns that causes) or stay and explain, which are a perpetual loop of meltdowns that escalate and downright mutate into madness that makes Alice's world seem peachy. 

When I would resort to the "i'm sorry card" when she'd admit after hours and hours that its "all she needed to hear", it was never all she needed to hear. It was "I'm sorry" and then hours each day slavishly grovelling over what (like you said) was basically either trying to avoid a fight, daring to stand by a principal during whatever random mundane trigger, etc.  Not even hours of the most tender coddling and cuddling took that away, without the above. 

In a sane situation, it would be frowned upon to hide behind the sorry card and grovelling.  I grew into adulthood hearing the wishes of other women to find men who WOULD'NT hide behind that, and who WOULD rather "talk things out" in constructive productive manners.  In this situation, I would've been a thousand times better HAD a been a stereotypical "sorry babe/honey/dear, let me make it up to you" guy.  How backwardass can we get? 

[qkslvrgirl]

I'm still laughing to myself about my recent confrontation with uBPDh: He had gotten angry over a perceived slight several days earlier... .when he finally decided to approach me with the same old crap about how I'd been so mean to him, I let him have it.

I said that "we are not doing this anymore" - that if he has issues, he can discuss them with me like an adult. I said I am not putting up with his temper tantrums any more - "Not ever again."

I drew a firm boundary followed by a refusal to go away with him for the weekend. I did not want to go and act like everything was "okay" after being given the silent treatment for 10 days. It  seemed to get through to him that I've had more than enough of this nonsense.

I am very disengaged from him now, so, overall, this really isn't much of an accomplishment or improvement. I just wish i had said it earlier in the relationship - years ago.