stalking

[hurting300]

Is it possible that my BPDex girlfriend is stalking me? She dumped me but lately she's been passing my house... she has to drive well out of her way to do that.

[Narellan]

Yes not only is it possible but its a BPD behaviour. They don't ever truly detach even if they are the one to end the relationship. It's why they often attempt to recycle and check up on you via social media. With my exBPD to give you a recent example, we have been nc for 5 months. He is moving on and there's been a few short term replacements. And he has attempted to contact me via phone and visiting my home but I've ignored every attempt. I took a holiday last week and reactivated Facebook as a way of sharing my holiday pics with my family and friends. I thought after all this time it would be ok because I'd stayed ynder the radar for so long. Not so.

The instant I became active again he started attention seeking from a distance to provoke a reaction. He has actively posted on my friends walls and contacted people in my circle to interact with them socially. He asked out a close friends exgf ( only split up 2 weeks ago) and they are going out today for a coffee. He knows full well I will hear about this, or see it on fb so I've deactivated fb again. It's slightly annoying that I've had to give up all my social networks as well as places I used to go, because he now frequents those.

But it's a small price to pay for peace.

Anyway they can interject themselves they will. Just to ensure they are still on your mind.

No doubt your ex is driving past so you will notice her. And you did. And you're thinking about it and questioning why. It's a game for them. They don't want us but they don't want us to forget them and move on. That would create feelings of abandonment even though they did the abandoning.

The best response I've found it to not react to anything and remain NC. Unless of course you are wanting to renew the friendship with her. 

[hurting300]

Yeah but it's been four months, she changed her phone number deactivated her Facebook... .That's pretty extreme.

[Narellan]

5 months for me, and he deleted my phone number and me from Facebook. Time makes no difference. They don't detach. Just pop in like nothing's happened. She just wants to be on your mind, it doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back, just that you haven't moved on and forgotten her.

[patientandclear]

Hurting ... .you post every so often and basically ask the same question, which is "my gf left suddenly after everything seemed close and great, she cut off contact but drives by our house occasionally; why is this happening?"

And every time people give the same answer, which is that the sudden departure is typical of BPD, it is fear-based, pwBPD don't usually want to completely severe or lose attachments though, so the remote contact via the drive-bys is also typical.

You can keep getting the same answer over and over.  Maybe it's time for a new question?  Something about what you are going to do, given that this very surprising, painful, shocking situation is real and has happened?

This is super rough.  I know you are actually, literally, probably in shock, or at least were for a while.  Anyone would be shocked.

So ... .this is what she did.  This is what she does. What does this mean about what you want to do?

[hurting300]

I'm sorry... I'm just really having a terrible time lately. I'm sick of being mad and then sad. I'm confused... .I think lately it's all my fault.

[dragonsfire]

Hey hurting

I'd like to chime in here and give you some advice.  I'm hoping it helps as well.  Like many here have experienced, the stalking behaviors can be so very confusing to the heart and mind.  My uBPDx would drive by my place at night, place letters on my doorstep, throw my belongings in my front yard, would send blame and guilt text messages from other phone numbers to get a rise out of me, send back to back emails to reel me into a fight, send FB messages to my friends claiming I was a psycho.  You get my drift I'm sure.  Its difficult to wrap your intelligent mind around it all because you don't behave that way.  For example, You are no longer the kid standing in line with their parent at the super market screaming your head off because they wouldn't buy a candy bar for you.  You've grown emotionally to understand reasoning.  This stalking behavior by your ex is throwing a wrench in your gears of reason.  I know I would always ask myself why the ex would never calm down, not converse in circles and just talk things out.  Or why she would approach me after a breakup with no apologies and lay blame yet say she loved me.  Its immature and childish.  If you want to get past the hurt and confusion you have to keep in mind that any contact can cause you to start rationalizing her stalking.  Does she love me?  Does she want to just talk?  Does she want to apologize?  So confusing.  The cycle ends when you really have had enough.  Your ex has to leave you alone and you go no contact to fully return to normality. 

[hurting300]

See that's what is bothering so bad. She just drives by. But yet she changed her number, deactivated her Facebook. And honestly she never really raged but twice in 18 months. It's what she did behind my back and her lies. And her comments about her exes that made me feel so bad. But when she disappeared after a nice day and night, and not even answer my calls or texts it's just heart crushing.

[Narellan]

Hurting... .It's just classic BPD behaviour. My ex did the exact same. Ditched me within a minute for no reason after a wonderful few days away and moved on to replace me instantly with my best friend. Don't try to make sense of it. We can't... .They can't. You just need to come to accept the facts and move on with your life.

Peace 

[woofhound]

I empathize with you. My uBPD ex did much the same. We had a very romantic weekend of camping where we got very intimate, then, three days later she comes over to spend time with me. As soon as she got out of her car I knew it was bad. She had this disconnected look on her face. We cuddled (half heartedly) for a minute and then she asked me about something that had happened previously... .keep in mind that, during the camping trip, she ensured me that we could always be open and honest about our relationship concerns... .so, I was honest. After I told her that I loved her and would always be here for her, I gave her the true reasoning behind my action... .she left in a rage and slammed my front door. the only thing i've heard from her was "if you don't make a grand gesture i'm f*ing OUT" via text... .not so much as another word.

You're right. It is devastating. However, in the few weeks we've been apart i've learned a lot about myself. I learned that I was allowing her to have all the control. In allowing someone to have control over your emotions you are basically saying "here, do whatever you need to with me". I think in a healthy relationship the focal point should be mutual respect and not control.

[hurting300]

I actually fed her when she was sick. Because she was always sick or hurting somewhere. She was probably faking it. But she only had one job the whole time we were together and she was let go. ALWAYS late for work.

[Narellan]

They are always hurting. Inside more than we know. And physical ailments go with BPD also.

Yes I look back on my relationship ( he said we were never in one) and I recognise it was very one sided. But I was happy and in love. And respectful of him. We had no arguments or rages. I was the one he'd waited his whole life for allegedly " forever entwined in his soul" they were pretty much the last words he said to me before ditching me. It's taken me 5 months to feel half normal. I doubt I will ever trust another man again. I feel so damaged by this. But life goes on, and the things he does now to get my attention don't hurt as much. Slow progress but its something... .

[hurting300]

Gosh I'm so sorry... .And another thing, I have it in my mind that she having the time of her life. She would have this great job and nice place with a great looking guy. But then I have to remind myself that she NEVER worked, she is extremely lazy and loves being the victim. So more than likely she'll always be "stuck"

[Narellan]

Certainly will be just the same with anyone shes with. And she'll still be emotionally dysregulated, ... .that doesn't go away. Try to think of your life and picture how you want that to be rather than what hers may be like.

[hurting300]

That's so true. She told me she tortured her last boyfriend at the end. He died two months after she left him... She is sure evil.

[BlondeRunner]

But she only had one job the whole time we were together and she was let go. ALWAYS late for work.

Gosh, hurting300 you just brought some memories flooding back to me! My dBPDexbf was ALWAYS late for work too which is totally alien to me! Believe it or not he has a very high-level, well paid professional job and he'd sleep in and rock up to his office an hour, two hours late.

I would find myself at my own desk worrying if he was up and on his way to work as I was scared he'd be fired from another job.

Thank you for a lovely little reminder that yahoo! I don't have to put up with that cr*p anymore. xx

[hurting300]

My ex was just plain lazy. All she did was lay around and complain, all she pretty much eat was sweets and pizza. Oh and taco bell. Last night I was looking thru her things she left behind and for some reason she saved every freaking receipt for everything since 2012. Come to find out she drank while she was pregnant and told me "I've never tried anything like that" so many lies.