Reaction to vacation or something else

[kikimo]

I told my BPDbf that I was taking my son a mini vacation before school starts back up. The thing is, he would be welcomed to come if he would. So, he acted fine for a couple of weeks, but about a week later after I gave him more details about the trip, he sent a text out of the blue saying "I hope you aren't mad at me". I told him "no, why would I be mad". He said "just figured".

So I've tried for the past week to insure him I'm not upset with him by being happy go lucky etc... .He tried to call, but the connection was bad, and I sent a text telling him to call me back. He never did. He has been sort of "rejecting" and "distancing" of me now. I sent a message back saying "you seem down lately, its it work related or is something bothering you"? He replied "a bit of both". I asked what was wrong or did he not want to talk about it. He hasn't replied back as of yet.

I couldn't figure it out, but thought I read something about vacations being threatening to people with BPD. Does this seem to be typical or the case? Or do you think something else is up? How do you suggest clearing things up?

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[formflier]

I told my BPDbf that I was taking my son a mini vacation before school starts back up. The thing is, he would be welcomed to come if he would. So, he acted fine for a couple of weeks, but about a week later after I gave him more details about the trip, he sent a text out of the blue saying "I hope you aren't mad at me". I told him "no, why would I be mad". He said "just figured".

So I've tried for the past week to insure him I'm not upset with him by being happy go lucky etc... .He tried to call, but the connection was bad, and I sent a text telling him to call me back. He never did. He has been sort of "rejecting" and "distancing" of me now. I sent a message back saying "you seem down lately, its it work related or is something bothering you"? He replied "a bit of both". I asked what was wrong or did he not want to talk about it. He hasn't replied back as of yet.

I couldn't figure it out, but thought I read something about vacations being threatening to people with BPD. Does this seem to be typical or the case? Or do you think something else is up? How do you suggest clearing things up?

Instead of focusing on this "one thing" to clear up... .focus more on validating him.  Clear communication from you.

I would avoid using "why"... .when you are asking him why he would be mad. 

Couple options... .

Either just say no that you are not made... .but... .that could invalidate him if he believes you are mad.

Help me understand why you would ask the question... .would seem to be a good response.

If he doesn't seem ready to talk... .trying to force it out of him is not going to work.  Just validate him... and move along.

Hang in there... !   

And enjoy the vacation.

[kikimo]

I appreciate the answer and that helps a great deal so I'll better know how to  respond to him.

I wonder if I should just wait for him to respond, or should I assure him that I'm here for him?  I feel all the time like I'm "walking on egg shells". He makes me question everything I say or do.

[kikimo]

What I mean is, should I wait for him to come back in his own time, or should I contact him, (maybe changing the subject but letting him know I haven't deserted him)

[formflier]

What I mean is, should I wait for him to come back in his own time, or should I contact him, (maybe changing the subject but letting him know I haven't deserted him)

I recommend contacting him but about something innocent... .or ask him to go do something.

Many times pwBPD will start a silent treatment because they are upset.  Then they get over it and kinda forget that they were NC with you. 

So... for people that live together... .I recommend taking a cool glass of ice water.  Just head in the room and offer a drink.  Take the temperature of that reaction to see if you can validate and stay... .or if it is too "hot"... .leave the water and come back in a few hours.

So... translate that thinking into something you could do?  Ask him for coffee? 

The point is to make contact... .but not bring up "the" subject.  If he hasn't forgotten... you will know it quick.  If he has forgotten... .you don't want to bring it up again.

So... .with that theory in mind... .how do you think you can contact him?

[kikimo]

Thanks so much for the great advice. He works a lot, so I just waited it out 4 days then sent a text saying something like "Hey you, hope you're feeling better and work is improving. You deserve good days, you work so hard." I had to send a text because he's been working sense this happened, and I was too scared to call... .I guess scared he wouldn't answer.

Well, I know he's had two work breaks since I sent it, and no reply yet. I think maybe he is doing this on purpose to see if I tell him to get lost, or maybe he is already seeing someone else. However, I don't think that would explain the phone call. He is so avoidant, that I don't think he would have called me if he planned to end it. Sometimes he does shut down, but he usually tells me he's having a hard go of things, and I just give him space.

This is really hurting my feelings. I care too much to quit, but would have never gotten involved had I know.

[kikimo]

I guess I shouldn't have brought up feeling better or work... .I should have just said something about a good movie I watched or something. :-/

[formflier]

I guess I shouldn't have brought up feeling better or work... .I should have just said something about a good movie I watched or something. :-/

I think you did fine.

However... .please don't put to much "reaction" into text messages.  A bit of personal bias here... .but I try to use text for only basic things.

Because ultimately you don't know if he got it or why he is or isn't going to respond to it.

Any updates on your situation?

[kikimo]

Sorry I've been MIA, trying to get my life straight. I went off the deep end thinking I had BPD myself and my guy had NPD... .

I've been in therapy etc... What I've discovered is that I have high anxiety, OCD and some "fleas", but not a PD. Thank God. However, what my worst fears about my BF are correct, and in examining my past all my serious relationships have been with NARCS :-/

So I've been getting a healthy dose of a silent treatment, with pity play. He didn't answer me back. I waited several more days, and sent another text saying I was giving him space, but wanted him to know that I hoped he was okay. He answered back immediately, "yeah, how are you". So the next few days he was better about actually talking with me, and I thought we were going to be ok etc... Then all of the sudden he texts me that he's been in pain all day because what we'd refer to as pining for the old ex. :-/

Then he went back to normal, then back to silent treatment. What a roller coaster. I finally broke down tonight and just about an hour ago sent a text saying I missed him (but I didn't beg).

I don't think there is any hope giving he is full blown NPD. I don't know how I missed all the signs. I guess I was off in lala land in a hazy fog. So many red flags, soo soo many I missed that make sense now. He just really doesn't care. I'm no more than supply. I'm going to keep my emotional distance and try to move on... .*note the try because I know I'll relapse back. He gets pity from me, and is milking me dry. Thanks for your help. *hugs*