Wedding plans? Not good.

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have been posting a good deal lately about our 17 yr old dd who moved out in May to live with biological family in another state. When that did not work out, she found a new boyfriend and his family to taken her in.  It has been an up and down few months.  Some days she calls and says she hates it and asks if she is permitted to come home.  Before any plans can be made for that to happen, she calls back to say that all is well and she is "working it out".  Our long distance relationship via telephone has been good.  She has been respectful and seems to be calling more for support (asking questions about her new job, etc.).  She has talked about getting married in March, 2015 when she turns 18.  Husband and I have not made too much of that as things change so quickly with dd that March seemed to be soo long.  Anyhow, Dd called today to tell me that she and boyfriend have found her wedding dress.  They have put it on layaway.  Such emotions right now.  I am not sure if I am more hurt because wedding dress shopping was somthing I had so looked forward to doing with her some day. I guess one more expectation that I need to toss away!  I am angry that she is spending money on a dress when she has to ask us for gas money to get to and from work.  Where is the dress money coming from?  I am scared and worried because she has only known this man for a few months.  Marriage is a huge step in life.  I did not say much on the phone when she called to share the news.  I think dd got that I was not happy, upset... .etc. as she did not stay on the phone too long.  Thanks for letting me vent.  So jumbled up with emotions right now that I am unsure if I want to scream or cry.   

[muffetbuffet]

I have been posting a good deal lately about our 17 yr old dd who moved out in May to live with biological family in another state. When that did not work out, she found a new boyfriend and his family to taken her in.  It has been an up and down few months.  Some days she calls and says she hates it and asks if she is permitted to come home.  Before any plans can be made for that to happen, she calls back to say that all is well and she is "working it out".  Our long distance relationship via telephone has been good.  She has been respectful and seems to be calling more for support (asking questions about her new job, etc.).  She has talked about getting married in March, 2015 when she turns 18.  Husband and I have not made too much of that as things change so quickly with dd that March seemed to be soo long.  Anyhow, Dd called today to tell me that she and boyfriend have found her wedding dress.  They have put it on layaway.  Such emotions right now.  I am not sure if I am more hurt because wedding dress shopping was somthing I had so looked forward to doing with her some day. I guess one more expectation that I need to toss away!  I am angry that she is spending money on a dress when she has to ask us for gas money to get to and from work.  Where is the dress money coming from?  I am scared and worried because she has only known this man for a few months.  Marriage is a huge step in life.  I did not say much on the phone when she called to share the news.  I think dd got that I was not happy, upset... .etc. as she did not stay on the phone too long.  Thanks for letting me vent.  So jumbled up with emotions right now that I am unsure if I want to scream or cry.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Oh mufferbuffet, that must have been a really difficult phone call... .I imagine it would have been really hard to show excitement.

I hear you - getting married sounds scary for sure. Would she and her boyfriend move out on their own at that point, or would they be staying with his parents?

You are right - you had an expectation you might have to let go of. On the other hand - you say it yourself: things can change a thousand times, and that dress or the whole wedding may not happen after all. I'd brace myself for both possibilities and try to take it as it comes... .

That said - I am so sorry, dress shopping would be so nice when it's the right time, wouldn't it?

So jumbled up with emotions right now that I am unsure if I want to scream or cry.   

Maybe a bit of both? We are here for you, muffetbuffet. 

[Rapt Reader]

*crossposted with pessim-optimist*

I'm sorry, muffetbuffet... .I can imagine all the crazy feelings you must be going through 

Is the wedding still supposed to be next March? Or is the purchase of the dress signaling that it will be sooner? Do her fiancé's parents approve of this, after such a short courtship? Does she actually get along with his family?

If I had a daughter, I would also have dreamed of going with her to help pick out the wedding dress, and I'm really sorry that you have missed that 

I'm sure you have already thought about the fact that by having a wedding dress, it doesn't mean that the wedding will still actually happen in real life. If you are worried about her getting married so young, and after such a short time knowing this fellow, lots of life can happen to change things between now and next March. I wish you some sort of peace with this, muffetbuffet... .

[muffetbuffet]

Thanks... .I know that DD's plans are subject to change at a moment's notice, but talking about a dress sounds like she is serious about getting married.  I believe they will be living with the boyfriend's family as I am sure they do not have the money to move out on their own yet.  DD does get along with the family for the most part.  They are a very close knit family (too much so if you ask me!), and DD says that sometimes she feels like an outsider. There are four generations of family living under the same roof.  I understand family is there to support each other, but WOW.  Grandma, Mom/Dad, their children and now grandchildren all live under the same roof.  I do not think that plans are to get married before March as DD turns 18 in March and they do not need any parental OK to get married then.  One day at a time I guess.  Sad to say, but even though DD is not living with us, we are still on the roller coaster of life with her.  One positive is that we only get involved in a small part of the chaos of her life.  As selfish as it seems, it has been a nice break without her living here.  We are starting to put our lives back together again 

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Muffet,

Anyhow, Dd called today to tell me that she and boyfriend have found her wedding dress.  They have put it on layaway.  Such emotions right now.  I am not sure if I am more hurt because wedding dress shopping was somthing I had so looked forward to doing with her some day. I guess one more expectation that I need to toss away! 

UGH!  I completely understand what you're going through.  My DD announced her "engagement" on FB and I had various family members calling me to ask if it was serious.  She is supposedly moving in with him in 2 weeks, but we told her we won't buy her plane ticket until her BF has his own apartment.  If she were moving there to go away to college, I would be excited about helping her get stuff for her dorm. But since she's quit college and just moving there to live with BF, we're not buying them anything.  I dread the day she tells me he bought her a ring. 

I am angry that she is spending money on a dress when she has to ask us for gas money to get to and from work.  Where is the dress money coming from?  I am scared and worried because she has only known this man for a few months.  Marriage is a huge step in life. 

I don't blame you.  I'd be sick about it!      But, she said it was on layaway, which probably means not much money is at stake.  Take a deep breath!   Maybe in her own mixed up way, things will turn out okay. And like Rapt Reader says, lots of things can change between now and March.   But still... .BREATHE!

I did not say much on the phone when she called to share the news.  I think dd got that I was not happy, upset... .etc. as she did not stay on the phone too long.  Thanks for letting me vent.

 

I understand this too!  In this case, I think it is probably better to be honest about where you are at about the whole thing.  When I sat down and told my DD we would let her go before she turns 18, she got really excited.  She wanted me to be excited too, but I told her quite honestly that it was VERY hard for me to be excited about her move because for her whole life, I thought she would be leaving under different circumstances.  And these were NOT the circumstances that I'd envisioned for her.  I told her I always thought we'd be setting up a dorm, or helping her get her own apartment or condo somewhere after she graduated college.  But, I told her I want her to be happy, and if THIS is what will make her happy, then I will go along with it.  But, it's hard for me to jump up and down about it.

So jumbled up with emotions right now that I am unsure if I want to scream or cry.   

Honey, I agree with Pessim-optimist. I think you have every right to do BOTH!   Come here and vent and let your feelings out, whatever they are.

 

[jellibeans]

dear muffet

I know with my dd she makes a lot of plans and doesn't go through with half of them especially plans for the future... .relax and breathe... .let this relationship take it's course... .if they do marry then I would be happy for them and hope they both know what they are doing... .at that point she is on her own and I hope you can find a way to be in her life and have a relationship with her. I am sorry you didn't get to dress shop but can you think of another way to be apart? shower? engagement party? one step at a time... .try not to worry about things so far in the future... .most times these plans change.