I want to leave but keep backing down. Help.

[Soccerchic]

 Help. Last night was emotional hell. My uBPDh continues to get in the stupidest fights with our daughter and picking fights with me. He makes rude comments out of no where and is shocked when he receives a negative response. He had a counseling session that caused him to remember past trauma and guess who he took it out on?  I know I am making a mistake when I engage, but I feel like I get caught in a tractor pull of irritation and obvious logic errors.  I did the typical pull him out of his shell let's talk until I realized I was getting sucked into the usual pattern. I stopped and went to bed. My daughter came in to snuggle me at 2 in the morning. Of course that is when he decided he wanted to "talk" waking both of us and demanding she leave very rudely (she is a tween btw). He then just stood there looking sad. I feel guilty but his facial victimish expressions make me feel nauseous. I told him I can't do this any more. He became very passive expressive and just left for a bit.  He makes no money and can not currently support himself and is recovering from an injury.  I want out of this soo bad. The minute I feel strong enough to leave he apologizes and acts nice.  I get sucked back in.  What is marriage supposed to be like? It's not supposed to be filled with this much drama right. Oh he also got mad at our son for staying up late at a sleep over. It makes no sense. The rules are rigid and weird.  He finished a house repair after two months saying I fixed your house. Um. He is my husband. What the heck?  Sorry for the long post.  I'm so confused and am to embarrassed to talk to my friends and am emotionally exhausted.

[pavilion]

This sounds very familiar except I'm not married to my pwBPD. I think there is a link on this site to an article about what a healthy relationship looks like. It is hard to remember once you are stuck in the drama cycle. It seems it is common with BPD that the moment you pull away they make desperate attempts to reengage again which makes the whole thing so difficult to extract yourself from.

Do you have a friend you could trust with all of this? Perhaps you need to explain everything to someone so that you can get away and have some normality at times.

Do you think he is jealous of your children hence choosing a time when you are with your daughter to want your attention? My bf (now ex but not ready to say it properly yet ) was very jealous of my daughter (10/11) and was incredibly rude to her. Interestingly his therapist at the time suggested he might be stuck at around that age developmentally!

Make sure you do some things you love to do. Even the little things like meeting a friend for coffee or taking a candlelit bath can help. x

[Soccerchic]

Yeah. Sounds similar.  The problem with talking to friends is I'm emotionally exhausted and don't even know how to explain drama. Took your advice though and took kids out for the day. Of course he needed help with something on the computer completely ignoring the weirdness between us. Is that common where there are huge blow ups and horrible fighting and then no productive insight learned.  He keeps trying to cut down other friends and parents criticing them. I think this is an isolation tactic.  Just being around him makes me feel depressed and stressed. I have no patience for his child like dependence and parental control. The developmental phase is right I believe. Just curious if there are dads out there would you ever force your child back into her bed when she is scared or comfort her making room. And it's weird to not consistent ally sleep in the bed right?  It's either bed and sex or couch and TV until 2 in the morning.  Bizarre.

[Tibbles]

Been there too. I always felt after a big blow up he had dealt with his emotional turmoil and felt better for it, so for him, there was no weirdness. His emotional needs had been met so all was good. He had no idea of the damage he had just inflicted on the family. Still doesn't - insists he was not that bad and deserves to be treated better. As for sleeping on the couch - yep it became his bed - couch and TV. His choice and I always thought that was weird too.

[Sugarlily]

Same thing, big arguments are always followed by him disappearing for a day or two then returning as if nothing as happened and I am not still upset or hurting. My bf seems to completely erase it all from his memory. I agree that it is like an emotional release. Sometimes I think my bf provokes an argument because it does release his pent up fears, frustrations and anxieties.

[pavilion]

I had that feeling too. It felt as though how I explained things came nowhere near to my experience because a lot of it is very subtle and experienced through emotion. My bf used to completely disregard my children's feelings if they conflicted with his own needs. I had a phase where my son couldn't sleep so he kept coming downstairs in tears. There was no empathy from bf just irritation and telling me I'm dealing with it all wrong.

Also my bf could not only seem to be a completely different person the day after a row but he could switch off his rage and go to sleep at the drop of a hat. I found that most bizarre. I was left fuming all night!

[Soccerchic]

Thanks for all your feedback!  Yes. I believe they do get a emotional release and are calm after. I'm going to try to check in here when another happens because every time I decide to leave he is no longer acting crazy. It makes me insane and question my own perceptions. I also wonder if the sitting in front of the tv all night is during the tension building phase but the come to the actual bed the honeymoon phase.  He is all remorseful today helping me with work. I am officially setting a deadline for my decision to stay or go by May 1, 2015 or it will never happen.