Need advice as soon as possible

[Parents! Get help here!]

hello BPD family,

Again, I went on hiatus but for good reasons, and sadly, I return for the opposite with my tail between my legs.

My DD16 had an extremely difficult transition from a long term residential treatment facility which ended up with her 9th acute hospitalization and a very damaged outlook on life.

Through all bad things, good things can occur if you seek them out, and the good in this setback was that she was accepted into another agency that provided the same level of care, and they miraculously had an opening that would be available for her within 2 weeks.

The transition was a bit unsettling since the rules and policies of the IAFT program had been disregarded at her prior placement, but she was able to adjust with only a few bumps and no major escalations.  I absolutely loved her team.  they followed the guidelines and were very much involved in my DD's well being.  Her therapeutic foster parents have been doing this for years, her foster Mom actually grew up with foster kids in her home for her entire life, and adopted her daughter through this program, her 67 year old Dad just adopted 2 brother, 7 and 9, both severely abused in every way.  This is who they are and what they do because they believe they can and have made a difference within a broken system.

Prior to May 10th, prom day, my DD was very involved and worked very hard in therapy, even worked on her language and body language, had a job, excelled in her GED program, played soccer in a league, and was able to come home on therapeutic passes without a hitch.   

After May 10th, right back to the angry, disrespectful, hateful and self righteous teenager we struggled to understand, and spent more time avoiding anything that might trigger her aggression and violence we had been subjected to over 3 years time.  Posting inappropriate pics on social media, inappropriate posts cursing and ranting about how perfect she is and how everyone knows it and those that disagreed could (*^&%%$... .   My phone was blowing up with concerned friends and family, texts were daily and minimum of 3, her bf broke up with her, rumors got back to her 14 sister at school that upset her terribly (sex tapes and promiscuous behavior with a few boys) to the point she refused to go to school, she quit her job abruptly, curses me out when we have family sessions... . I walked out one time and the most recent incident was while we were driving to drop her off and I just wanted to get there without her losing control which had happened last June and almost caused me to wreck into the treeline not once, but twice.  Car is inoperable and a total loss due to her destroying the dashboard, windows and interior during a physical tantrum that required multiple law enforcement agencies to respond. 

My issue that I need help with asap is simple, after reading the above info, and knowing a bit of her history, would I be out of line if my thoughts are all about the fact that she is escalating and starting to slide down that slippery slope?  That there should be more supervision and involvement in social media, especially since she has met guys that commented on a pic and had in the past, made very dangerous decisions to meet up with strangers who told her how hot she is... . and then some?

There is a team member that has said some very unprofessional things and threatened CPS to be called which shut me down.  The reason was that my younger daughter has been experiencing depression and is very vocal about smoking weed.  She is also failing 3 out of 4 classes.  I had her evaluated and have recently been able to get her therapy started, in addition to giving her the space and ability to make choices that have either positive or negative consequences but were hers to deal with.  I am not giving her permission to destroy her life, I am giving her what she simply stated she needed badly, to not be around the drama and chaos of her DD16 sister, and for me to ease up on being so invasive with her life.  I heard her and have been working on giving her the space and privacy she needs.  She resents her sister for the insanity she was unable to avoid and had to forego normalcy for a large chunk of her life.  She's pissed, and I totally get it.  I'm pissed too. 

My DD16's team seems to want to deflect the focus onto my D14 and had even gone as far as to say she needed to be in foster care and she was more out of control than my DD16, the case manager actually offered to have a CCA written that would ensure that she would be approved to be placed, and that they had openings for her.  I was floored, and when CPS was mentioned I was in shock.  The following week I found out that there had been a confrontation between two team members about what was said and the answer they received was an outright lie that we were able to confirm which was a bittersweet victory for me, however, nothing has changed.  I'm still completely floored with the team's reactions and comments regarding the pics and abrupt and dramatic change in personality and behavior.

I need advice as to how to handle my DD16s treatment, more like lack of because the team allowed her to discontinue individual therapy and only have to participate in family therapy.  Her meds were halved right before she changed (but the team doesn't think her meds are an issue), she's irrational and unreasonable, everyone else is the cause of her issues (team reinforces by discontinuing individual and is focusing only on family... .   I am the only family member willing to participate), has lost multiple friends, and has family and close friends concerned because they see the signs when her team does not, or refuses to.

They want her to transition home by July 31 which would only be 5 months in this program when the average length is 1 year.

I have tried in every way I know how to express my concerns and have not been heard, in fact, I have been made out to be the villain when I know I have done everything and then some to be supportive and involved with my DD's treatment and progress.  What can I say to the team to express my disappointment in the method of communicating issues that concern me, and should be addressed to the team, without any retaliatory statements redirecting the focus onto another person, or a jab at the issues we are facing in our home and has absolutely nothing to do with my DD16's treatment plan.  How can I regain some faith in her team and be able to remain willing to discuss anything outside of my DD.  I'm fearful of being chastised and honestly, I am scared to death of having any additional incidents take place in our home due to or stemming from my DD, because this family will be beyond repair if CPS ever questions how our family handles the issues that the proximate cause is my DD's 3-4 year battle that caused us all hell, causing all of us to feel helpless, hopeless, defeated, exhausted, disgusted, betrayed, anger to the point of physically shaking, uncertainty, and unbelievable sadness... .   but we stuck by her and slowly over the last year, i am the only one still right by her side.

I would love for the team to be able to empathize with us and consider all of our concerns and be willing to incorporate what we would like to be dealt with and if possib   le resolved, but they are not willing to hear her "past" issues therefore causing my family to be absolutely against putting up with any behavior or potentially uncomfortable conversations with my DD and to be sure will not be open to her coming home any time soon.

I'm stuck and I am so confused and am really searching for a way to be heard and have the team HEAR my intuitive concerns without fear of being misunderstood or being completely devalued.  They only know her since mid February and know nothing of her past escalations, I only want to be helpful, but how do I decide who to fight for and what needs to be fought?

Sorry for the rant, but I know someone will read this and know exactly what all of this feels like and will be gracious in offering suggestions that may or may not have worked for them.  I need a posse of supportive and encouraging people that know how difficult dealing with BPD's can be and totally gets me when I say I need help to be of any good right now.  I wish I could take a two week break, but I was told I had to be compliant with the treatment plan.  Grrr.

Pray that I keep my calm and know what to say and hold my tongue when all I really want to do is say what's really on my mind.


Googie

[Googie]

hello BPD family,

Again, I went on hiatus but for good reasons, and sadly, I return for the opposite with my tail between my legs.

My DD16 had an extremely difficult transition from a long term residential treatment facility which ended up with her 9th acute hospitalization and a very damaged outlook on life.

Through all bad things, good things can occur if you seek them out, and the good in this setback was that she was accepted into another agency that provided the same level of care, and they miraculously had an opening that would be available for her within 2 weeks.

The transition was a bit unsettling since the rules and policies of the IAFT program had been disregarded at her prior placement, but she was able to adjust with only a few bumps and no major escalations.  I absolutely loved her team.  they followed the guidelines and were very much involved in my DD's well being.  Her therapeutic foster parents have been doing this for years, her foster Mom actually grew up with foster kids in her home for her entire life, and adopted her daughter through this program, her 67 year old Dad just adopted 2 brother, 7 and 9, both severely abused in every way.  This is who they are and what they do because they believe they can and have made a difference within a broken system.

Prior to May 10th, prom day, my DD was very involved and worked very hard in therapy, even worked on her language and body language, had a job, excelled in her GED program, played soccer in a league, and was able to come home on therapeutic passes without a hitch.   

After May 10th, right back to the angry, disrespectful, hateful and self righteous teenager we struggled to understand, and spent more time avoiding anything that might trigger her aggression and violence we had been subjected to over 3 years time.  Posting inappropriate pics on social media, inappropriate posts cursing and ranting about how perfect she is and how everyone knows it and those that disagreed could (*^&%%$... .   My phone was blowing up with concerned friends and family, texts were daily and minimum of 3, her bf broke up with her, rumors got back to her 14 sister at school that upset her terribly (sex tapes and promiscuous behavior with a few boys) to the point she refused to go to school, she quit her job abruptly, curses me out when we have family sessions... . I walked out one time and the most recent incident was while we were driving to drop her off and I just wanted to get there without her losing control which had happened last June and almost caused me to wreck into the treeline not once, but twice.  Car is inoperable and a total loss due to her destroying the dashboard, windows and interior during a physical tantrum that required multiple law enforcement agencies to respond. 

My issue that I need help with asap is simple, after reading the above info, and knowing a bit of her history, would I be out of line if my thoughts are all about the fact that she is escalating and starting to slide down that slippery slope?  That there should be more supervision and involvement in social media, especially since she has met guys that commented on a pic and had in the past, made very dangerous decisions to meet up with strangers who told her how hot she is... . and then some?

There is a team member that has said some very unprofessional things and threatened CPS to be called which shut me down.  The reason was that my younger daughter has been experiencing depression and is very vocal about smoking weed.  She is also failing 3 out of 4 classes.  I had her evaluated and have recently been able to get her therapy started, in addition to giving her the space and ability to make choices that have either positive or negative consequences but were hers to deal with.  I am not giving her permission to destroy her life, I am giving her what she simply stated she needed badly, to not be around the drama and chaos of her DD16 sister, and for me to ease up on being so invasive with her life.  I heard her and have been working on giving her the space and privacy she needs.  She resents her sister for the insanity she was unable to avoid and had to forego normalcy for a large chunk of her life.  She's pissed, and I totally get it.  I'm pissed too. 

My DD16's team seems to want to deflect the focus onto my D14 and had even gone as far as to say she needed to be in foster care and she was more out of control than my DD16, the case manager actually offered to have a CCA written that would ensure that she would be approved to be placed, and that they had openings for her.  I was floored, and when CPS was mentioned I was in shock.  The following week I found out that there had been a confrontation between two team members about what was said and the answer they received was an outright lie that we were able to confirm which was a bittersweet victory for me, however, nothing has changed.  I'm still completely floored with the team's reactions and comments regarding the pics and abrupt and dramatic change in personality and behavior.

I need advice as to how to handle my DD16s treatment, more like lack of because the team allowed her to discontinue individual therapy and only have to participate in family therapy.  Her meds were halved right before she changed (but the team doesn't think her meds are an issue), she's irrational and unreasonable, everyone else is the cause of her issues (team reinforces by discontinuing individual and is focusing only on family... .   I am the only family member willing to participate), has lost multiple friends, and has family and close friends concerned because they see the signs when her team does not, or refuses to.

They want her to transition home by July 31 which would only be 5 months in this program when the average length is 1 year.

I have tried in every way I know how to express my concerns and have not been heard, in fact, I have been made out to be the villain when I know I have done everything and then some to be supportive and involved with my DD's treatment and progress.  What can I say to the team to express my disappointment in the method of communicating issues that concern me, and should be addressed to the team, without any retaliatory statements redirecting the focus onto another person, or a jab at the issues we are facing in our home and has absolutely nothing to do with my DD16's treatment plan.  How can I regain some faith in her team and be able to remain willing to discuss anything outside of my DD.  I'm fearful of being chastised and honestly, I am scared to death of having any additional incidents take place in our home due to or stemming from my DD, because this family will be beyond repair if CPS ever questions how our family handles the issues that the proximate cause is my DD's 3-4 year battle that caused us all hell, causing all of us to feel helpless, hopeless, defeated, exhausted, disgusted, betrayed, anger to the point of physically shaking, uncertainty, and unbelievable sadness... .   but we stuck by her and slowly over the last year, i am the only one still right by her side.

I would love for the team to be able to empathize with us and consider all of our concerns and be willing to incorporate what we would like to be dealt with and if possib   le resolved, but they are not willing to hear her "past" issues therefore causing my family to be absolutely against putting up with any behavior or potentially uncomfortable conversations with my DD and to be sure will not be open to her coming home any time soon.

I'm stuck and I am so confused and am really searching for a way to be heard and have the team HEAR my intuitive concerns without fear of being misunderstood or being completely devalued.  They only know her since mid February and know nothing of her past escalations, I only want to be helpful, but how do I decide who to fight for and what needs to be fought?

Sorry for the rant, but I know someone will read this and know exactly what all of this feels like and will be gracious in offering suggestions that may or may not have worked for them.  I need a posse of supportive and encouraging people that know how difficult dealing with BPD's can be and totally gets me when I say I need help to be of any good right now.  I wish I could take a two week break, but I was told I had to be compliant with the treatment plan.  Grrr.

Pray that I keep my calm and know what to say and hold my tongue when all I really want to do is say what's really on my mind.


Googie

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear googie

I was just about to turn in for the night when I saw your post. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am you are struggling with your dd16 and also d14. I wanted to tell you to hang in there. I am going to sleep on this and hope I come up with some suggestions for you. I am not sure exactly what is going on. Seems like you are frustrated with your dd16 care and your words are falling on deaf ears. Is there anyway to write a letter with your concerns? It I cures to me that might help get your point across and relieve your frustration. Can you tell us more about the treatment plan? Seems odd that they have a release date set for July  seems a bit far off? Do you have the opportunity to ask these kind of questions?  Hang in there. I hope you get some help and I will look in on your post in the morning. 

[Googie]

jellibeans, just in boxed you.

The focus has shifted to family therapy since there has been major damage and nothing done to repair it.  My DD made a choice to sneek out 2 days before entering this program and has continued to cause damage when we have had therapeutic passes.  We don't see any change, we see the same old same old with no conscious or remorse for her behavior.

They discontinued individual therapy as per her request and she now believes that she is not the problem, the family is the problem, and she's just waiting for me to get my s*&^ straightened out so she can come home, all this just a day after she cursed me out and said some very disgusting hurtful things.

Oh and she's going to be a famous super model.  Forgot to add that fact.  And she truly believes it.

[jellibeans]

Dear googie

I have read your post and message. My first impression is that your post sounds very fearful... . almost panicky and I want to know what is driving this emotion. You are of course very concerned about your dd and have lost faith in her treatment team. Am I correct in concluding that your dd16 will be returning home from foster care in July? Is this an upsetting and fearful thought for you because you feel her behavior has returned to being very disrespectful and other questionable behavior like lying and the continued verbal abuse at yourself?

I want you to consider how much your struggles with your younger dd14 are influencing your feeling towards your older dd16... . Googie is your younger dd14 also BPD? I can't imagine having two teens in my home at the same time with this disorder. I can certainly understand feeling overwhelmed but does this have anything to do with the reason you don't want her to return home?

At your meeting today I would bring a written statement saying exactly what you have told us here on this site. This will help you keep your thought in order and not go off track... . it will also help keep you calm and I believe that is very important right now so you will be heard by her treatment team.

Googie how are you coping with her behavior? Have you received any help yourself and learned any communication skills? I think the best you can do is state your case at the meeting and see what their recommendation are. If you are unhappy with what they come up with then I would ask what your recourse is because you are not in agreement with what they are suggesting. I am hoping that they will listen to you but I think you need to see first what is discussed at the meeting and go from there. Break your problem down into smaller pieces and tackle each one so you are not overwhelmed. Please let us know how it goes... . thinking of you today

[theplotthickens]

jellibeans, just in boxed you.

The focus has shifted to family therapy since there has been major damage and nothing done to repair it.  My DD made a choice to sneek out 2 days before entering this program and has continued to cause damage when we have had therapeutic passes.  We don't see any change, we see the same old same old with no conscious or remorse for her behavior.

They discontinued individual therapy as per her request and she now believes that she is not the problem, the family is the problem, and she's just waiting for me to get my s*&^ straightened out so she can come home, all this just a day after she cursed me out and said some very disgusting hurtful things.

Oh and she's going to be a famous super model.  Forgot to add that fact.  And she truly believes it.

I can SO RELATE to you, Googie!  It is like going for help when you are drowning and being punched in the face.  It sounds like your dd has manipulated the team and that they have labeled you as the problem.

I hate to say it, but once you have that label, you are in a catch 22.  If you deny it, you are being obstructive and in denial, and if you accept the blame, you are teaching your daughter that manipulation works!

Can you talk to the team, and emphasize your daughter's diagnosis and symptoms?  Unfortunately, when you  hit a wall, they can get on their high horses and believe that everything that you are telling them is just mama creating drama. IN my experience, they BELIEVE the child, but parents always have to back up what they are saying.  I think it is because they child is the patient, and they see the child behind closed doors where everything our kids say is believed as a fact, rather than checked out.

I am always willing to accept responsibility for my actions.  No problem there.  BUT, if this continues, you do have a right to refuse family therapy.  I have done this when my dd is not telling the truth, using the therapist as enabler, and using the system to generate deflection and blame.  Unfortunately in mental health, the modus operandi is "Blame the Mother."  It is so common, and they really need to get better educated about the biological side of mental health.  

As I see it, your options are pretty limited.  Either fight for your voice, or refuse to do family therapy if it is adding to your stress load.  If you refuse family, would they reinsitute individual?  You could refuse family therapy UNLESS she agrees to individual.  

This is all part of the symptoms of refusing to take resonsibility and targeting Mom.  They really enjoy getting others to join in on targeting Mom too!  This is  a sign that your dd isn't really willing to change at this point.  You can throw treatment after treatment at her, but it won't do any good until she is willing to work on herself.  This is also the place I find myself.  

We have been treatment and therapy-free since January, and we are dong so much better!  There is nobody for my dd to manipulate into her games.  I refuse to do any more therapy or treatment until my dd is honest and wants to change.  Actually, she is more stable and functioning now than she has been since aged 12.  She hanging around typical kids, and more focused on normal things rather than how sick she is.  Her meds are really working for her.  She is still mean,  nasty, and blaming, but she has nobody enabling that or giving it energy, so it sort of bounces off me now.

Hang on - and find your voice.  Take control of the situation, as YOU are the mother and YOU are paying the bills.  You don't work for the team, they work for you.    I hope something here was helpful and that you feel empowered.

[Googie]

Update for you guys.

16DD is home and is supposedly pregnant.  Completely dumbfounded on how in the world her ax 1 and ax2 dx disappeared and we are now in worse shape than we were prior to her hospitalization 2 years ago.  Completely sick to my stomach.

Googie

[lever.]

Hello Googie

It is so damaging when a therapeutic team goes fishing about to blame the mother- and not that unusual, there is a whole section of Valerie Porr's book about it.

Regarding the pregnancy-whatever you say about this will be remembered and brought up in the future.

Whatever the result please try to say things that sound helpful but are very un-dramatic with low expressed emotion.

If she is making it up she will want a drama-so try not to re-enforce it.

She may make up a miscarriage to get her out of the situation-if she does just tell her to have a lie down and give her a drink-without fuss.

If she is pregnant I would just keep very calm and ask how she feels about it.

It sounds as if the therapists have let you down and you are now very exposed with how you manage your younger daughter. Its horrible when people seek help and this sort of thing happens

[theplotthickens]

I wanted to mention one thought about choices.  We let our children make choices when they are safe and age-appropriate.  I am my child's guardian first and foremost; so smoking weed and filming porn is not a choice my minor child is free to make.  They are not old enough to give consent.   Do you ever have trouble setting limits and boundaries?  Most of us have so much trouble doing that with all of our kids willfullness and behaviors.   

There was another conversation going about a book on "Boundaries."  I was reading the free version of "Boundaries for Kids" and I thought it was very helpful.  One of the best things you can do for you and your kids is to have and model strong boundaries.  Here is a link to the "Kids" version.  www.workofark.com/pdf/boundaries.pdf 

I am finding these ideas extremely useful; hope your day is better today!