When lemons cannot make lemonaid ...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  I have made a lifetime of making excuses, telling my kids that Mom is just having a bad day or that we should have done something ... .or not done something to make Mom mad. For years I described life at home like walking on egg shells and bit my tongue to mitigate an argument. I met my wife when she was 13 and I was 14, married at 18 and have been married for 32 years. It was a bit difficult in the beginning but it was not an ideal way to start life out as a couple. We both had pretty bad backgrounds but seemed like this was meant to be. My wife has always had the traits of BPD but I had no idea what that was back then. It is easy to make excuses when you dont want to see the big picture but looking back now ... wow. I just recently came to terms that there is a reason my wife had a disorder that affected her the way it does. She has not been clinically diagnosed but I have read enough to have no doubt. She would rather kill me than go for help so I know that will never be an option with her. Funny thing about therapy is she had told me some 15 years ago I needed to get therapy for me and so off I went to a marriage counselor to see what was wrong with me and to get anti depressant drugs. I was very honest with him as I thought there was merrit to my DW request as I was not without flaws myself. By the third session he told me I was not the one with the real issues and unless my wife agreed to join the therapy there was no need to continue. I wish he had hit me with a hammer!

I realized writing this post I could probalby write a book now so I will try to keep this short   I had figured I could make things work until our youngest daughter was finished with school and on her own. Looking back on that again I am not sure that was the best decission or in the best interest of the kids. My oldest daughter went to Germany as an exchange student her 3rd year of college and I remember her telling me that if her mom and I were still married when she got back she did not know who she would kill first!  You would think I would have delved more on that back then... but at the time my two younger daughters were 8 and 10. Today my oldest daughter is 29 and is expecting her first child ... maybe today... she has written her mom out of her life and cannot tell my wife I even speak to her  ... which I do several times a week. I never thought for a minute my wife would consider me a traitor to her if I speak to the daughter who chooses not to have her mother in her life anymore.

Here is the twist now... .just as my youngest is getting ready to move on with her life and I decided either one last time we can work  the relationship out or go our seperate ways my wife has been diagnosed with a very aggressive breast cancer a few months ago. She does not work and has not for 13 years ( this was to raise the kids ) and I have managed to work two full time jobs pretty much during that time. I work 80 hours Monday through Friday and get roughly 4 hours of sleep a night When she was diagnosed I took FMLA and had quite a bit of time off work as she had 4 surgery's in 3 1/2 months. She wanted to travel 550 miles away to MD Anderson in Houston to get the very best care for her cancer which I totally agreed with. Now that  things are settling a bit and we are just now getting the treatment only an hour from home it is time to catch up the late bills which she now is saying is all my fault for mishandling the money and leaving her with the mess ... .we both knew we would get behind and it was talked about extensively... now once again I am the bad guy who only brings unhappyness and stress to her life

I am so tired of the verbal beatings and occasional physical abuse as well... The last few times we drove to Houston she yelled most of the way there and back... when I asked her about something she said she poured her coke on my head ... as I drove down the interstate at 75 mph... .who does that?  I am sorry this is so long ... I dont talk about this to anyone but I hope someone can relate...   I am just tired.

[Succotash]

  I have made a lifetime of making excuses, telling my kids that Mom is just having a bad day or that we should have done something ... .or not done something to make Mom mad. For years I described life at home like walking on egg shells and bit my tongue to mitigate an argument. I met my wife when she was 13 and I was 14, married at 18 and have been married for 32 years. It was a bit difficult in the beginning but it was not an ideal way to start life out as a couple. We both had pretty bad backgrounds but seemed like this was meant to be. My wife has always had the traits of BPD but I had no idea what that was back then. It is easy to make excuses when you dont want to see the big picture but looking back now ... wow. I just recently came to terms that there is a reason my wife had a disorder that affected her the way it does. She has not been clinically diagnosed but I have read enough to have no doubt. She would rather kill me than go for help so I know that will never be an option with her. Funny thing about therapy is she had told me some 15 years ago I needed to get therapy for me and so off I went to a marriage counselor to see what was wrong with me and to get anti depressant drugs. I was very honest with him as I thought there was merrit to my DW request as I was not without flaws myself. By the third session he told me I was not the one with the real issues and unless my wife agreed to join the therapy there was no need to continue. I wish he had hit me with a hammer!

I realized writing this post I could probalby write a book now so I will try to keep this short   I had figured I could make things work until our youngest daughter was finished with school and on her own. Looking back on that again I am not sure that was the best decission or in the best interest of the kids. My oldest daughter went to Germany as an exchange student her 3rd year of college and I remember her telling me that if her mom and I were still married when she got back she did not know who she would kill first!  You would think I would have delved more on that back then... but at the time my two younger daughters were 8 and 10. Today my oldest daughter is 29 and is expecting her first child ... maybe today... she has written her mom out of her life and cannot tell my wife I even speak to her  ... which I do several times a week. I never thought for a minute my wife would consider me a traitor to her if I speak to the daughter who chooses not to have her mother in her life anymore.

Here is the twist now... .just as my youngest is getting ready to move on with her life and I decided either one last time we can work  the relationship out or go our seperate ways my wife has been diagnosed with a very aggressive breast cancer a few months ago. She does not work and has not for 13 years ( this was to raise the kids ) and I have managed to work two full time jobs pretty much during that time. I work 80 hours Monday through Friday and get roughly 4 hours of sleep a night When she was diagnosed I took FMLA and had quite a bit of time off work as she had 4 surgery's in 3 1/2 months. She wanted to travel 550 miles away to MD Anderson in Houston to get the very best care for her cancer which I totally agreed with. Now that  things are settling a bit and we are just now getting the treatment only an hour from home it is time to catch up the late bills which she now is saying is all my fault for mishandling the money and leaving her with the mess ... .we both knew we would get behind and it was talked about extensively... now once again I am the bad guy who only brings unhappyness and stress to her life

I am so tired of the verbal beatings and occasional physical abuse as well... The last few times we drove to Houston she yelled most of the way there and back... when I asked her about something she said she poured her coke on my head ... as I drove down the interstate at 75 mph... .who does that?  I am sorry this is so long ... I dont talk about this to anyone but I hope someone can relate...   I am just tired.

[gtrhr]

sailorjoe, Thanks for sharing your story.  Sounds like it's been going on for a very long time and she's alienated you and your children.  I admire you for doing what you think is best for your family for all of these years and taking good care of her now during her illness.  I'm at work otherwise I'd write more right now.

[seeking balance]

sailorjoe,



 

You have been through so much, and the compassion you have shown for your wife during her cancer is so admirable.

I hope you find you can vent here and even take a step back to figure out how to clear your head so you can accurately move forward in your life.

I have no doubt you are tired, exhausted really.  Please do show your self the same kindness and compassion you have shown your family all these years.

Peace,

SB