Epiphany

[Parents! Get help here!]

Yesterday I visited my husband's aunt.  She is nearly 80 now and in bad health with maybe some dimentia, too.  When my DD28 was around two, the aunt and her husband lived nearby and we would see them occasionally.  She even kept my DD a couple of times when I was desperate for a sitter.  This was all about 25 years ago.  Until yesterday, I had not been around her or spoken to her. 

During our two-hour visit yesterday, I had an epiphany.  If this aunt is not a hardcore case of BPD, then I am not sitting here typing this. 

If there truly is a genetic component to BPD, then it all makes sense. I just can't believe that I never even thought of the connection.  I could see clearly nearly every single BPD trait yesterday during our visit and was reminded of the exact same behavior 25 years ago.  This aunt has a tortured, miserabe look on her face at all times.  Her favorite topic of conversation is how she is a victim and how awful her husband is to her. Her first husband was a saint, but this one (who she's been married to for nearly 50 years) is horrible.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  He is a good man who has put up with her and dotes on her, but she is horrible to him.  She is a hoarder but blames others for her mess.  She trash talks other family members but has no faults of her own.  Her own son has no contact with her, but it's not her fault. 

She is no better, no diferent than she ever was.  I remember thinking all those years ago when I was around her that she was "difficult" or "cantankerous" (that's what the family has always said about her), but an actual mental illness never occurred to me.  Of course, I didn't know about BPD then. 

I remember feeling sorry for her husband 25 years ago, and I still feel sorry for him. He told us privately that he had "rules" for her and that she didn't like to follow them.  I wonder if he's always had boundaries in place with her.  How has he stood it all these years?

I tried to talk to my husband about all this, and he is COMPLETELY in denial about it.  He won't in a million years see her behavior as BPD, and he has an excuse for how she acts.  In fact, he got agitated with me for even trying to make the connection. 

I just feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing and almost wish I hadn't gone there yesterday. 

[Verbena]

Yesterday I visited my husband's aunt.  She is nearly 80 now and in bad health with maybe some dimentia, too.  When my DD28 was around two, the aunt and her husband lived nearby and we would see them occasionally.  She even kept my DD a couple of times when I was desperate for a sitter.  This was all about 25 years ago.  Until yesterday, I had not been around her or spoken to her. 

During our two-hour visit yesterday, I had an epiphany.  If this aunt is not a hardcore case of BPD, then I am not sitting here typing this. 

If there truly is a genetic component to BPD, then it all makes sense. I just can't believe that I never even thought of the connection.  I could see clearly nearly every single BPD trait yesterday during our visit and was reminded of the exact same behavior 25 years ago.  This aunt has a tortured, miserabe look on her face at all times.  Her favorite topic of conversation is how she is a victim and how awful her husband is to her. Her first husband was a saint, but this one (who she's been married to for nearly 50 years) is horrible.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  He is a good man who has put up with her and dotes on her, but she is horrible to him.  She is a hoarder but blames others for her mess.  She trash talks other family members but has no faults of her own.  Her own son has no contact with her, but it's not her fault. 

She is no better, no diferent than she ever was.  I remember thinking all those years ago when I was around her that she was "difficult" or "cantankerous" (that's what the family has always said about her), but an actual mental illness never occurred to me.  Of course, I didn't know about BPD then. 

I remember feeling sorry for her husband 25 years ago, and I still feel sorry for him. He told us privately that he had "rules" for her and that she didn't like to follow them.  I wonder if he's always had boundaries in place with her.  How has he stood it all these years?

I tried to talk to my husband about all this, and he is COMPLETELY in denial about it.  He won't in a million years see her behavior as BPD, and he has an excuse for how she acts.  In fact, he got agitated with me for even trying to make the connection. 

I just feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing and almost wish I hadn't gone there yesterday. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

This is interesting Verbena... . why do you think your H is uneasy about this realization?

To relate my H's Mother was mentally ill her whole life and was hospitalized several times. I asked him a few years ago what was his mother's DX and he refused to even except she was ill... . I really was pretty shocked at this statement. He beleives she was a drug addict more than anything... . that doctors had filled her up with meds and that is what made her behave the way she did... . so do you think it is there inability to see fault? or do that they that as fault? or judgemental?  No family is perfect... . I had a very old aunt who was 92 the last time I saw her... . she had always been a bit odd but really seemed to suffer later in life and was very paranoid... . thinking her bracelet had a micophone inside and that we were being recorded.

I can recongize my aunt was really not well mentally at this stage but my H will never admit that his mother was ill... . does your H have any BPD traits?

[Verbena]

This is interesting Verbena... . why do you think your H is uneasy about this realization?

To relate my H's Mother was mentally ill her whole life and was hospitalized several times. I asked him a few years ago what was his mother's DX and he refused to even except she was ill... . I really was pretty shocked at this statement. He beleives she was a drug addict more than anything... . that doctors had filled her up with meds and that is what made her behave the way she did... . so do you think it is there inability to see fault? or do that they that as fault? or judgemental?  No family is perfect... . I had a very old aunt who was 92 the last time I saw her... . she had always been a bit odd but really seemed to suffer later in life and was very paranoid... . thinking her bracelet had a micophone inside and that we were being recorded.

I can recongize my aunt was really not well mentally at this stage but my H will never admit that his mother was ill... . does your H have any BPD traits?

My husband is reluctant to even say our DD has BPD, but he never questioned her diagnosis ten years ago.  He just won't verbalize it even though he is aware of what her issues are.  His mother was also highly medicated for over 50 years with many different drugs, and he won't acknowledge that this very likely contributed to her death.  There was never any obvious cause of death other than her blood pressure dropping dramatically.  The nursing home where she died tried to take her drugs away, and she went ballistic.  So they let her keep taking all her pills until she died. 

Yesterday, he dismissed his aunt's personality by saying "she has always been a complainer" and that "she can make anything  into something negative."  Yes, that's true.  That is also a PERFECT description of HIM, and he won't acknowledge that either.  He just says he "tells it like it is."  He is miserable to be around and sucks the life right out of me.  He is never wrong.  He is very critical.  Maybe he does have some BPD traits.  I can only imagine how that would go over if I told him that.  But I won't. 

I guess none of us like to see our own faults and admit to them.  My husband just has ZERO insight into how he acts.  And he acts just like this aunt as far as the complaining and negativity--and his father was the same way. 

I just have always struggled to understand why our DD has BPD when she had no childhood trauma and there was no history of BPD in our families.  But now I realize that her great aunt most definitely has had BPD for a very long time.  I'm absolutely positive of that.  What good does it do me to know that, though?  I am so tired of dealing with people who can't see that their behavior is a problem and won't make any effort to change it.  Sometimes I have fantasies about running away and never coming back. 


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[jellibeans]

well vebena let me know if you ever get that plan together and I will meet you! 

[peaceplease]

Verbena,

I wonder if your dh feels that admitting a possibility of BPD with his aunt makes him feel flawed?   He may feel that it is a disorder on his side of the family and reflects on him? 

I speculate that my ex husband's family is full of BPD on his mother's side.(his mom, his sister, and his sister's three daughters)  That damn BPD gene is STRONG!  Also, I suspect that his biological dad had NPD.  I  never met the man, as he was NC with his son since he was 7 years old.  I believe that my ex seemed more NPD.  My former therapist told me that BPD manifests differently in males.  Perhaps, he is both.  I believe that my son is NPD as well.  He fits the criteria of NPD. 

Funny, it was my former therapist that said that the BPD most likely came from my ex. 

[ABelle]

I don't doubt the connection for a second!  It didn't take me long to realize that my ex-mother in law (grandmother to d16 with BPD) is clearly suffering from BPD.  She is the most manipulative person I have ever met.  I kept considering my own family when answering family history questions, until it hit me like a ton of bricks.  My guess is it's a case of equal genetics and proximity as my D spent plenty of time around her when she was younger. 

[Verbena]

well vebena let me know if you ever get that plan together and I will meet you! 

I will do that. 

Verbena,

I wonder if your dh feels that admitting a possibility of BPD with his aunt makes him feel flawed?   He may feel that it is a disorder on his side of the family and reflects on him? 

I speculate that my ex husband's family is full of BPD on his mother's side.(his mom, his sister, and his sister's three daughters)  That damn BPD gene is STRONG!  Also, I suspect that his biological dad had NPD.  I  never met the man, as he was NC with his son since he was 7 years old.  I believe that my ex seemed more NPD.  My former therapist told me that BPD manifests differently in males.  Perhaps, he is both.  I believe that my son is NPD as well.  He fits the criteria of NPD. 

Funny, it was my former therapist that said that the BPD most likely came from my ex. 

I'm sure he does feel it would reflect on him.  I'm not trying to figure out who to blame, but it would be nice if we could talk about it. 

[Verbena]

I don't doubt the connection for a second!  It didn't take me long to realize that my ex-mother in law (grandmother to d16 with BPD) is clearly suffering from BPD.  She is the most manipulative person I have ever met.  I kept considering my own family when answering family history questions, until it hit me like a ton of bricks.  My guess is it's a case of equal genetics and proximity as my D spent plenty of time around her when she was younger. 

That's how I felt yesterday, like I had been hit by a ton of bricks.  All these memories of what I had been told about her and behavior I saw 25 years ago together with behavior I saw yesterday hit me hard.  The depressing part is that she's nearly 80 and hasn't changed at all.  I know what you mean about being manipulative.

I realize that I am in no way qualified to diagnose anyone of anything, but it's just so obvious if you know about BPD, which I didn't at all until ten years ago.