Broadcasting... Cry for Help OR Letting Us Know Her Plans

[Thursday]

SD is now employed again after ten months of no work (other than odd jobs given to her by people who had grown tired of giving her handouts). This was ten months of a lot of angst for my husband and me, hearing of job openings, watching her do nothing to follow through, hearing her pay lip service to our concerns of her burning out relationships by continued mooching, etc.

Her birthday (22) is coming soon (the end of this month) and it is profoundly interesting that she got this job at the beginning of this month and is speaking non-stop about what she will be treating herself to for her birthday. I'm pretty sure the upcoming birthday was the fire under her butt to find a job. Her GM, with whom she "lives", had already told her she was not giving SD a check for her birthday this year. In the past she would give SD ten dollars for every year she was alive. GM wants to have her life back at this point and 220.00 would buy SD plenty of time to not look for a job. You can buy a lot of cigarettes and McDonald's food for 220.00

She found a job as a server at a restaurant. Previously, she balked at the idea due to the notorious tradition of servers and other restaurant workers loving to party. She explained that she couldn't risk this. Suddenly, when she actually spent a few days earnestly looking for a job it was all about working in a restaurant... . because she would be able to earn tips immediately. People in her life had stopped giving her money and allowing her to stay with them-GM has stopped giving her money but keeps a bedroom for SD at her home.

Her Dad asked her, when she called to say she had the job, if she was going to be able to handle the drinking and partying of her co-workers. Sure, she said, no problem.

However, a few days ago, she complained that she was wanting to try the frozen alcohol laden drinks her restaurant is famous for. She whined that she never got a chance to try these delicious concoctions before she got sober and she was wondering outloud if her serious, heavy addiction to pharmaceuticals might have just been immaturity. Now, certainly, she would be able to handle a bit of social drinking.

AA has become her life in the last three years. However, during this jobless phase she burned out her close AA friends, all working hard at their jobs, paying their rent and watching my SD with no responsibilities sleeping on their couches, eating food from their fridges and using their hot water for showering and laundry, helping herself to their internet connections, their Netflix, and probably worst for them, smoking their cigarettes. Things had gotten so bad with this behavior of hers that her AA sponsor dropped her... . the AA sponsor is also the sponsor of the girls she was mooching off of and I think the drama got too intense so the sponsor suggested that she wasn't able to continue helping her and found her someone new. 

I am afraid this talk is either after the fact (probably not, just my hunch) OR (with a higher probability based on past actions) a broadcasting of what she is about to do.

WE have a few more years of maturation under our belts (in BPD years this means she has finally reached the pre-teen level of maturity instead of fully grown toddler tantrum stage) but she is an addict and hearing her talk as if she is not is deeply scary and disturbing.

My husband had dinner with her a few nights ago and did a good job of counseling her, validated her feelings that she is missing out on much yumminess and fun reminded her that she is doing well in her sobriety and reminded her that she is important to her AA community, and most importantly, asked her if she was willing to start over again should she fall off the wagon. I am proud that he told her how proud we are of her commitment to sobriety.  And he didn't go down the path of how miserable things were for all of us when she was using.

Does anyone else have experience with this broadcasting of future poor behaviors? We saw this so much in the past and the pattern was clear, if she talked about it, she was planning to do it. Or in talking about poor behaviors, she was letting us know what she was doing.

She no longer lives with us. She was a serious addict and had been for a year before the doody hit the fan and we became aware of it, another five months before she was willing to work the program she was offered. I feel like she could really get herself into deep trouble before we really know what's up.

So, now it incumbent on me to not allow this worry to keep me off kilter because I am less effective  when I am off my game.

But you know I'm going to worry.  There is no moderation within her.

     

Thursday (on Friday)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

However, a few days ago, she complained that she was wanting to try the frozen alcohol laden drinks her restaurant is famous for. She whined that she never got a chance to try these delicious concoctions before she got sober and she was wondering outloud if her serious, heavy addiction to pharmaceuticals might have just been immaturity. Now, certainly, she would be able to handle a bit of social drinking. [snip]

Does anyone else have experience with this broadcasting of future poor behaviors? We saw this so much in the past and the pattern was clear, if she talked about it, she was planning to do it. Or in talking about poor behaviors, she was letting us know what she was doing. [snip]

She no longer lives with us. She was a serious addict and had been for a year before the doody hit the fan and we became aware of it, another five months before she was willing to work the program she was offered. I feel like she could really get herself into deep trouble before we really know what's up. 

So, now it incumbent on me to not allow this worry to keep me off kilter because I am less effective  when I am off my game.

But you know I'm going to worry.  There is no moderation within her.

Hi, Thursday   

I can really relate to your quandary and situation, and I'm so sorry that this is happening! One first thing (before I forget): If your daughter's complaint is that she wants to taste the wonderfulness of these frozen drinks, as opposed to the high she would get from the alcohol within, is there any possibility that she could have them without the alcohol? Before doing low-carb and getting rid of the sugar in my diet, I would do this myself since I hate the taste of alcohol and thought the drinks tasted better without it anyway. If she is still honest and sincere about remaining sober, is this an option? Or, is the desire for the taste of the drinks a bit disingenuous and you fear she is tilting towards thinking that a bit of social drinking would not lead her back to her Rx addictions? Just a thought... . Even if she is serious about staying clean and sober, the possibility of drinking these with her new work friends could still lead her astray, though.

And, yes... . I have had this type of broadcasting in the past with my dBPDs36 who is in recovery right now. Prior to the Dual Diagnosis Program rehab that he attended in March-April 2013 (where he got his BPD Dx), he'd been to 2 other (normal) Rehab Programs in the span of 3 years, for opiate addictions. Without the psychiatric and psychological help that was finally given at the DD Program, once out of the last 2 rehabs he was back on opiates (hard-core) within 3 months of discharge. And both times it started with that first beer... . Since he isn't technically an alcoholic, the beer really did lower his inhibitions and put him back in the company of users that eventually led back to his drug of choice. And both times this happened it was broadcasted to us; he would remark about how good a beer would be when the temperature outside got hot. He would daydream aloud about how good a beer would be just to "relax like a normal person." He would say that he needed to socialize with his friends again, and having a beer would be such a low-level way to do it.

The first time he left his first Rehab and this happened, I really didn't know enough to worry about it; his dad (who is not an alcoholic or any type of user personality) and brother (another non-user/-addict) drink beer with no repercussions. But, as soon as he started drinking again (a little at a time, never in excess) he was on his way back to opiates. Just like that... . The second time he left Rehab and he started talking about beer, I did panic. I tried reasoning with him (like your husband has done with your daughter), and he was amiable about it, but it didn't change his thinking. Not saying your daughter won't do the right thing (":)o the next right thing", but I understand your nerve endings being on alert for her... . And nothing changed for my son until he learned about his BPD, decided he wanted to get better, and now he is continuing his Therapies and staying totally sober.

I guess what I am saying is that you are being a good Mom, your husband is being a good Dad, you are not crazy to be on high alert with this situation, and it's hard to turn all of that off... . It was hard for me, too. And, without her realizing the rocky road she is on even considering drinking again (and she really does know that this is wrong; as involved with AA as she is, she does know. I'd bet on it!), I just don't know what more you can do... . Sucks, doesn't it? I was always begging my son to learn from his past mistakes, NOT having to hit the very rock bottom of his life (getting arrested, losing everything, being close to death--which is what he ended up doing) before changing his behavior. At the time I could never understand WHY these things made no difference to him... . Now, both he and I know it was the BPD thinking that caused that glitch... .

I so wish you good luck with this. I hope there is some way of getting through to your daughter, or that she just gets to that healthy place on her own. Is she still in some sort of therapy? (Maybe I should know this already; sorry that I don't) Still going to AA Meetings? I know her sponsor changed, but is she still being sponsored? Can she maybe agree to something more? I do know that nothing helped my son until the Dual Diagnosis Program somehow turned on the "straight-thinking switch" for him and he understood that he needed to change his lifestyle. Your daughter's been doing really well so far; maybe she isn't as far gone from the reality of his situation that my son was when everything fell apart for him (even moreso than before!) which led him to the DD Program... . I promise to keep you all in my prayers, Thursday.   

[Thursday]

Hi RR,

Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

SD has tried many non-alcoholic versions of popular drinks... . this started before I knew her apparently. She regularly ordered virgin pina-coladas when dining out at restaurants that served them even when her parents may not have ordered drinks for themselves. So, I think what she is broadcasting is that she is thinking of breaking her sobriety.

And I think the reason she is thinking this way is two-fold. As you have mentioned, she is interested in hanging out with her "new friends" at work. And this is no-doubt, mostly because her old friends, her AA group, have gotten upset with her behavior.

SD is no longer in therapy. Since she turned 18 we have provided (through her Dad's health insurance) therapy and until she turned 21 we paid the co-pay for her visits with her therapist. When she was working she, several times, showed up for her sessions without the co-pay and her therapist's office allowed her to see him with the promise of future payment in full. Well, she got to over 125.00 in arrears and the therapist refuses to see her until she pays the bill. She actually likes seeing her therapist but chose to spend her money (when she had money) on other things. During this time of "forgetting her co-pay" she had over 10,000.00 in her bank account, a gift from her grandmother.

As of last week, she was still going to meetings. We haven't talked to her since Wednesday so I'm not positive but feel certain she hasn't quit her meetings... . yet.  She has gone to meetings while using (this was awhile back, she has been sober for over 2-1/2 years) and no doubt, if she goes off the wagon, she will go to at least one meeting to experience the worry and concern of her AA friends. She really enjoys that sort of attention. And being on the outs with some of her closest AA friends, maybe she wants to sort of start again... .

And yes she does have a new sponsor. This new sponsor is young, where the last one was my age and thus the mother figure that SD has been looking for since her Mom died. The older lady sponsor was good with her and for her but there is always that danger with my SD that she will glom onto an older woman as a mother figure. She has such difficulty with her peers, I think a younger sponsor will be less easily manipulated... . I've always wished that SD had siblings... . a lot of her entitlement would have been challenged by siblings I think. My BD28, on a vacation with us when SD was 16 my BD not being able to hold her tongue when SD was being unpleasant gave her "what for" and then told her she wasn't cool with SD ruining everyone's good time with her BS. SD straightened up after my daughter made her comments about SD's unpleasant attitude but my BD hasn't lived with us, in fact for most of my husband and my relationship BD has lived in a different town and has always had her own place when in the same town as the rest of us.

I think we will know soon what SD is doing... . but until we know I am nervous... .

Thursday

[qcarolr]

Thursday -- just wanted to drop in to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you. The hardest part is to accept that our BPDgirls will make their own choices and we have to love them while letting the full consequences of those choices fall on them. I struggle so with this letting go part with my DD27 - always have that rescue plan in the back of my mind.

Are you able to find the validating skills to ask her some questions to help her think of the consequences of these choices? Asking questions has been the best tool with both my DD27 and with my gd8. I do have fear always to overcome that my questions will become a trigger for her anger with me. Partying with co-workers can soon lead to unemployment - hang overs and not showing up to work.

Hoping her new sponsor works out for her.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Thursday,

I can relate to the being nervous until you know what's going on... . It leaves you hanging, even if you are trying to detach and go on with your own life, there's just something lingering in the air, isn't there?

We can always hope for our kids, and at the same time be ready to deal with their poor choices. At least you know the signs, and it will not take you by surprise, if it happens.

Thinking of you, and hoping for your daughter... .    

[Thursday]

Talked to her again today. She says she is over the idea of using. She talked to her AA sponsor who told her those thoughts are normal... . sponsor still wishes she could just have a few yummie drinks or a beer on a hot day.

SD is really doing well right now. When she HAS a job, she performs well. It's the having to look for a job that she has so much trouble with. When she gets into that fear rut, nothing much snaps her out of it. She runs the risk of  burning herself out now though... . she (historically and now) volunteers for extra shifts. Her burning desire today is to get a bill paid off quickly and she is very focused and into self-deprivation (whereas when she was unemployed, any idea of her missing out on anything due to brokenness was not acceptable to her).

Hopefully, this period of doing well will last a very, very long time.

A few days ago a friend of SDs lent her car to someone unstable and the guy never returned it. SD sat with the friend and has offered to help her. To us she reports what a fool the friend was to loan her car to someone so unstable. When she sees these things and works out, on her own, how the outcomes affect those involved, it is much more of a learning experience for her. One of my major frustrations with her has been how little she learns from experience. I don't understand how she can see someone else's mistakes and not her own but that really isn't important.

I am very happy that she has other people in her life to council her. She needs to hear these things from more than just one source. Lately, it seems, her grandmother is giving her advice that doesn't match with our advice. Come on, Grandma! Sheesh!

Thursday