I almost called her today...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I almost called her today.  I have been on the nc list now for two weeks and I had this sense of panic go through my mind.  It was more like a realization that it is really over.  I have been through numerous recycles with my dBPDgf.  I panicked today and thought "no I will call her and see if we can make it work."  I know it sounds crazy, but that was what I was thinking.  I miss my drug.  I needed one more hit.  But with one hit, I would be back to square one in a matter of weeks.  I called my therapist and she talked me out of doing it.  She explained to me that nothing has or will change in this relationship.  It doesn't matter how I change, my BPDgf has not changed.  And I would be just handing my life over to her to do as she pleased.  I told my therapist that my life seems so empty now and she told me to look for ways to fill it up with things that I want to do.  And by doing so, it would take my focus off of my ex.  I'm glad I didn't call her. 

[WhoMe51]

I almost called her today.  I have been on the nc list now for two weeks and I had this sense of panic go through my mind.  It was more like a realization that it is really over.  I have been through numerous recycles with my dBPDgf.  I panicked today and thought "no I will call her and see if we can make it work."  I know it sounds crazy, but that was what I was thinking.  I miss my drug.  I needed one more hit.  But with one hit, I would be back to square one in a matter of weeks.  I called my therapist and she talked me out of doing it.  She explained to me that nothing has or will change in this relationship.  It doesn't matter how I change, my BPDgf has not changed.  And I would be just handing my life over to her to do as she pleased.  I told my therapist that my life seems so empty now and she told me to look for ways to fill it up with things that I want to do.  And by doing so, it would take my focus off of my ex.  I'm glad I didn't call her. 

[MommaBear]

Some other members and I have had this conversation. Your therapist is right.

If you go back, you'll never get what you want. You might get a "hit", as you've said, but it won't last. You'll be under her boot soon enough, and it'll sting more this time.

If you yell, scream, call her names, smack her, and vent your rage, you still won't get the reaction you want from her.

If you try to reason with her, she'll just react however the mood strikes, regardless of how well spoken you are. You won't get the reaction you want.

Stay strong. We've all been where you are. Sometimes I still get the urge, but I know I will never, EVER get what I need from him, and the man I fell in love with was just an illusion. He was never real, and I'll never see that man again. Kind of like a mirage in the desert. The closer you get, the less real it becomes. Remember, intimacy triggers this d/o.

Hang in there, we're here for you! 

[WhoMe51]

Mommabear,

Thank you for your encouragement.  I guess my codependency kicked in today and I had that fleeting thought that I could fix it.  But I can't.  I can only change myself.  As the days pass, I will grow stronger.  I will have to remember that I have to grieve the loss of my dreams and who I wanted her to be(the person she showed me in the beginning).  And I have to remember that this is a process.

[Aussie JJ]

Remember this is a PAINFUL process. 

I know I wouldn't take my ex back now.  Does it stop me wanting to 'fix' her and make it all work.  Nup, I still get that urge from day to day.  Its terrible,  only way out is to work through it for us and them.  Unfortunatelly they are unwilling to work through it. 

That leaves us to work through the pain to get out of it.  For me I post every day in my N/C thread, others post as well and it gets easier having someone to relate to as I work through it. 

This works for me, what will work for you, write it all down and then go do something to get your mind off it.  Be it on a scrap of paper, here in these forums or standing in the shower yelling.  (yes I have done that) 

Then do something for yourself. 

[woofhound]

I have waves of that feeling hit me on most days, dude, so I can relate. As the days go by they get less and less powerful. 

[Tausk]

I'm sorry about your pain.  And you have the right attitude.  You aren't alone.  Stay away just for now.  Just for the evening, or the day. 

Don't worry too much about the long term.  Stay in the moment.  Exercise, do some yoga, learn to meditate... .honestly, the best responses for the PTSD.

You're going to get triggered, and it's going to be scary and painful, 

But you DESERVE to let yourself out of the FOG.

So say to yourself, I can at least wait until the FOG truly has lifted.  And in the meantime, stay on the board, and read.

You aren't alone.  We understand. It will get better, if you manage to stay the course. 

And your T was right.  It never changes.  The Disorder always wins.

[WhoMe51]

Today I have such an intense longing for her. Why do I desire the pain so much?  I ask myself if the pain of loneliness is greater than the pain of being with her? I feel so messed up. I hold onto the words that are written on these boards like they are gold. When will the pain pass? When will I stop aching for her?

[pieceofme]

i feel the same. NC kills me. i have to sit on my hands to avoid texting him, yet feel as though i'm constantly waiting to hear from him. oh, the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable.

[Bak86]

Delete her number, block her etc.!

Hang in there. You'll get better day by day!

[Ventus2ct]

Sorry to hear of your pain. Two weeks is pretty hard core, it will get worse before it gets better, you are weaning yourself off her, as you said, you'll be back to square one if you contact her again.

I am 3 1/2 months NC and feel so much better, you will too over time.

I was told to just keep putting one foot in front of another and keep walking by a member on here and thats what I did.

It helps if you block everything you can, phone, FB, Twitter etc etc, remove all traces of things that will remind you of her, pictures the lot. It's hard core but it works as long as you resist contact. You need to just disappear into thin air as far as she is concerned.

But it will get better as everyone here will tell you, just be strong or try to be, feel like contacting her, contact someone else a friend etc instead.

Good luck

[WhoMe51]

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement.  I have been driving myself crazy today wondering what she is doing?  I know she is probably living her life without a care about me.  We were supposed to go to a concert tonight and I wonder who she is going with.  I was going to go ahead and go, but I decided not to because I would probably run into her.  And since I am no contact with her, I probably couldn't handle it.  I wish there was something I could tell myself to make the pain go away.  I just keep reminding myself that if I were to go back, I would be here again. The pain today seems so unbearable. 

[myself]

I wish there was something I could tell myself to make the pain go away.

Tell yourself you believe in yourself, care about yourself, and love yourself.