ExBPDgf holds onto insult words during arguments for months and months. Why?

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My exBPDgf has told me time and time again that she just can't forget the words that I used during arguments at the beginning of the year. (6 months ago) She says they hurt her too much and that's why we aren't together. She's even written them down in a  log so that she can refer to what and when they were said! This was before I figured out the BPD and we would argue over silly things... .call each other names... .and normally be friendly again just the next day. She even says I told her "she was dumped" in February and that's why she's ran off with another guy in April (after 10 years) Even though we were happy again the next day. I didn't know that she was saving these "insults" up for a rainy day so that she can use them to say she can't get over them. Her words... ."I love you. But you hurt me to much."

Anybody experienced this or can maybe explain a little?

[Englishman]

My exBPDgf has told me time and time again that she just can't forget the words that I used during arguments at the beginning of the year. (6 months ago) She says they hurt her too much and that's why we aren't together. She's even written them down in a  log so that she can refer to what and when they were said! This was before I figured out the BPD and we would argue over silly things... .call each other names... .and normally be friendly again just the next day. She even says I told her "she was dumped" in February and that's why she's ran off with another guy in April (after 10 years) Even though we were happy again the next day. I didn't know that she was saving these "insults" up for a rainy day so that she can use them to say she can't get over them. Her words... ."I love you. But you hurt me to much."

Anybody experienced this or can maybe explain a little?

[Cipher13]

I have seen this also with my uBPDw. She remebers everything that is negative in out arguments and holds on to them for years and years. Example: We had an argumentabout something that I said "I don't think its a big deal."  And logically thinking and logically speaking I know it wasn't but for her it was THE DEAL.  Now during a argument no matter what she will go into her mental filing cabinet and bring it out and place it in where ever she thinks it makes her point. Nevermind that its unrealted or 2 years old.

[Rise]

I know with my ex, things I've said and done in the past get used as smoke screen issues. She likes to throw out things I did as an excuse for her actions, or to distract from the issue at hand. If she does something that I don't like that she can't really explain away, she'll bring up things I did to hurt her months or years ago just to take the focus off her mistakes. It's because she can't face down her own issues.

But I do believe it's more complicated than it first seems. I think it may be part of the black/white cycle. It's why once you're painted black for the first time, you never completely come back from it. You can be painted white again, but it will never ever be completely back to where it was in the beginning. Because once you hurt her, she knew you were capable of it, and she'd always have that voice in the back of her head whispering "They're going to hurt you and abandon you".

Personally I believe my ex could get over the specific things I said or did to her. She could forgive me for saying something mean to her. What she couldn't get over was the fear and pain what I said left in her. I hope that makes sense.

[Englishman]

Well... .she's in LA and I came back to the UK for the summer. I left her April 15ht and she wrote "I hope you come back and we make it. I love you." Two weeks later she started seeing a guy... .which she denied, denied, denied until July... .when she admitted. Now, they seem to be living together. I go back next week. We aren't even currently talking. I spent two months emailing and calling and texting... .and the more I tried to convince her that I cared... .the more it seemed to drive her away. her words... ."I don't believe you." Now I'm NC.

[Suspicious1]

My ex hurt me badly with his words, and I can't forget or move on from them either. They were too harsh. I don't think it's about storing stuff up to use against him, it's just that they were significantly hurtful and enough for me to have ended the relationship over. Could that be the same for her?

[Englishman]

It could... .and I'm sure is a big part of it. But... .that was months two months before I left for England and up until I left she was fully loving and the arguments were history. About a month later... .after she had started cheating... .she then says that the words had hurt her to much. We called each other "fat." We called each other "crazy" or "mad." I said she didn't spend enough time with her kids... (which I regret saying. And apologized and told her that) But... .a few years ago she would use... .going off to see her two kids at her parents house... .as an alibi to go of and see three guys she was seeing. They were all friends and she was with all of them over a few month period. That led to sex and love addicts anonymous... .which she then started going to four times a week and even wanted to organize meets. (full time job, 2 kids, me) A different story!

But... .if I'd known about BPD then... .then I would have adjusted and not been so hard with my words I said. I didn't know! And I didn't know she thought she was being abandoned. Going back to LA will be interesting... .will it change her feelings on her new guy. I'm split black now and he's spilt white.

[Suspicious1]

Hmm, I don't know then. I mean his verbal abuse came every time I was split black, and in the in-between times I'd try to move on, but it's impossible to forget some of the bad stuff. I'd brush them under the carpet when times were good, but they nagged at me until I had to do something about it.

If it was just one argument and she was ok with you until you left, then it does seem like she's stored up reasons to end the relationship, but it could be that those reasons are valid to her nevertheless. Like you say, I imagine things will become far more clear when you go back to LA and you're actually there in person in front of her.

[Englishman]

I'm 100% positive she has BPD. I would only go back if she agreed to a diagnosis and treatment. We touched on this a couple of years ago... .and found a place at UCLA but her insurance didn't cover it. We then went into a calm period and it kinda drifted away. If only I knew what was to come!

[Tiny Topaz]

Holding on to insults (real and imagined) is a definite BPD trait. They have the capacity to forget their own bad behavior/words but they will never ever forgive or forget any of yours and your words can and will be used against you at any time of their choosing. Sometimes, just asking for what you need from the relationship, for example: an apology - (don't hold your breath btw) can trigger them to throw your "sins" at you. That's been my experience anyway.

[Englishman]

Oh yea. She says that she loves me, but that's the reason that we can't get back together. "Those words hurt to much."

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Yea currently this is partly why my ex left me. I said some things out of hurt that had built up... as a result of her never admitting to any of this i burst sometimes. Its something im working on. I apologized but she said something similar along the lines of "it hurts too much and i dont feel like you love me." Idk  what to do other than wait as time seems to be the only things that heals this for her although for your case it doesnt seem to be this way making it more complicated. I have a gut feeling mines found a replacement like your situation but no clarification on it like you got form your ex... Its definitely being stuck in between a rock and a hard place at this point. All we can do is hope theyll come around as i dont see a clear way to mend the burned bridges they perceive...

[Englishman]

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone Chasing_Ghosts. Initially I apologized, I tried to explain that they were just words but she just said that I really, really hurt her and the pain wasn't going away. Initially, very angry and now very hurt. She's been with her new guy about 4 months and she emailed me the other day to say that she loved me very much but was too hurt to come back? That behavior was what made me decide to research BPD... .and it's been very eye opening.