History with Depression

[imataloss]

Since adolescence and for most of my adult life I've suffered from depression, severe enough to attempt suicide in 2002 (my first and last attempt!). My relationship with my uBPD mother has been turbulent since about the age of 13. But I never made a direct connection between my depression and my mother until about 2 years ago when I realized my mother probably has BPD.

Finding this site and learning that others had endured similar experiences with their parents took a huge burden off and the pieces started fitting together. I began to realize that it wasn't "my fault", and that I wasn't the one who caused all the problems, as I'd been told as a child.

For the past 2 years since gaining this new insight, I've experienced some remarkable changes in myself and my outlook on life, all for the positive. I'm much more vocal about expressing my feelings to others (sometimes to a fault!) and I simply feel more comfortable in my own skin. As my longtime therapist has said, "You've found your voice." I've said that if depression is anger turned inward, then I'm definitely no longer depressed!

Earlier this week I found myself falling into that dark hole of depression for the first time in awhile, for no identifiable reason. It concerned me as to how bad it might get. But by Thursday I'd climbed out of it and now feel like I'm back where I was before this funk set in.

During the 3 days that I spent being depressed I found myself having increased empathy toward my BPD mother, and questioning if some of her doom and gloom thinking was justified. I began questioning if things in my childhood had really been that bad, and wondering if I'd exaggerated and misrepresented circumstances. I wondered if maybe I'd gone too far with the BPD diagnosis.

As I started to come out of my depressed state, I began to have new insight about the connection between my history with depression and my relationship with my mother. Such as, she always tried to rescue me when I was depressed and was much more attentive and loving. As long as I was depressed, there was no conflict between the 2 of us. I know she could identify because she has a history with mild depression and made a couple of half-hearted attempts at suicide when I was a child.

It was about 15 years ago when my depression first started to subside that relationship with mom took a definite turn for the worse. And it's mostly been hell ever since then. It was at that time when I met my current partner and I was finally in a good place in my life. When I told her that we were moving in together, she got very irate. Her first comment was that she was going to start spending all of her money? Now I realize that reaction was caused by her fear of abandonment.

Can anyone else relate to having depression as the result of being the child of a PD parent? Did learning about BPD help to lessen your depression? Can you see a correlation between being depressed and the way you feel about your parent?

Didn't intend for this to be so long but had to get this off my chest and couldn't think of a better place to do so!

[RayNigh]

imataloss,

My response is not so much depression but anxiety. There have been times though where I did experience depression. When I was late teen/early 20s I was diagnosed as basically being borderline endometriosis. The doctor recommended birth control (I know not so much a guy issue) after a few months I became very moody and depressed. I even attempted suicide as well. Something was off and though I couldn't really talk to anyone about it I decided to stop taking the birth control. Within a couple of days there was a major improvement and over the next couple of weeks the moodiness went away.

For about a year (2012- start of 2014) I started to feel depressed again. I was losing some of my hair and having even more anxiety attacks than normal (I was basically having at least one each day if not more). I decided to go to the doctor and found out I was diffident in Vitamin D (really bad, I think I was at something like a 16 and the bottom amount a "normal/healthy" person has is 30). My doctor put me on high dose prescription of Vitamin D. It took a couple of weeks but my hair stopped falling out and the issues with the depression started to lift. I also think I may have a Magnesium deficiency (doctor didn't check this) but found out that Vitamin D and Magnesium deficiency are often related so I was taking some Magnesium as well.

The point I want to get to here regardless of biological sex is to consider diet and see a doctor to have blood work to check for any potential deficiencies (Vitamin D and Vitamin B are big ones to consider, though not the only ones related to depression). Also I would highly recommend to make sure to speak with someone if going up and down. That is a cycle and could be signs of something like clinical depression, which though it doesn't sound good is actually something that can be managed and treated.

I think many of us with BPD/uBPD parents do experience a lot of the same sort of concerns related to anxiety and depression. Hang in there and know that we are here to support each other.

[imataloss]

Hello RayNigh,

Glad to hear that you were able to determine that a vitamin deficiency was the cause of your depression and that you've gotten in under control.

I feel that mine is related to genetics as well as growing up with a BPD mother. I've been in therapy for some time and also take an antidepressant. Other than the slump I had this week, first in awhile, I'm doing much better with it.

Hope that you're able to get a handle on your anxiety. I agree that both depression and anxiety are manifestations of the trauma from our childhoods. But I think that getting this far and having the insight proves that we're all survivors here!

[Progress Not Perfection]

imataloss, first of all, congrats on your new, more positive outlook! And also for finding a way out of your depression before it got too dark. That is a huge accomplishment! 

Also, thanks so much for your post, it has helped me a lot today to know I'm not alone, and to also prompt some thinking about how I have been feeling today. I too struggle with chronic depression and have as long as I can remember, and am in therapy (again) working on the trauma of growing up with a uBPD mom. I totally know the frustration of feeling better and then having sneaky depression show up and knock you down again... it sucks!

During the 3 days that I spent being depressed I found myself having increased empathy toward my BPD mother, and questioning if some of her doom and gloom thinking was justified. I began questioning if things in my childhood had really been that bad, and wondering if I'd exaggerated and misrepresented circumstances. I wondered if maybe I'd gone too far with the BPD diagnosis.

... .Can you see a correlation between being depressed and the way you feel about your parent?

YES! is my emphatic answer to that question. I find that when I empathize with my mother, (which is quite easy for me since I was her little live-in therapist for most of my life, and had very little choice in the matter) I start to feel HORRIBLE about myself, my choices, etc. Just last night I was discussing with my husband how she is probably sad because I recently asked her not to contact me until further notice. After that conversation, I felt anxious and grumpy, and then I had nightmares about her all night and woke up feeling very depressed. Your question helped me realize that seeing myself from her point of view and feeling depressed are very related. It's almost like I can only have empathy for her, or for myself. I hope one day I can have it for BOTH of us but that's not where I am right now.

For me, I think there is a thought cycle between the idea that "I am bad" and "my mom doesn't have BPD and my childhood wasn't that awful". Basically, if I am "bad" then that means I either made up everything (and am a liar) and/or I deserved the abuse and neglect. I find that I can enter this cycle from many places. If I haven't been keeping up with the things that help keep my depression at bay (exercising, connections with friends, etc) then I feel sad, which then makes me feel like I must be bad, and thus she didn't do anything wrong and I'm a mean child... .there goes the cycle. Sometimes I get into the cycle the other way, from spending time with uBPDm who says things like "Oh, here goes Progress with another made up story about her horrible childhood"... .Either way I can end up in the cycle which takes me right into depression.

When I feel like this I really appreciate validation from others that I'm not making stuff up, so just in case you need some: your feelings are valid, and your perceptions are valid too! Growing up as we did, we lived in a crazy house of mirrors where we were taught to doubt our own senses if our PD parents didn't like what we observed. Trust your gut and intuition on what happened, and on what you need now. And thanks for sharing your experiences here!

[imataloss]

Progress Not Perfection, thanks for your response and validation. I can relate to everything you posted about how your relationship with uBPD seems to be the cause of your depression and continues to affect it. I had read posts on the board about anxiety being the result of these relationships, but hadn't come across anyone writing about depression. That's why I wanted to throw this topic out there.

This comment of yours especially struck a chord with me:

"Your question helped me realize that seeing myself from her point of view and feeling depressed are very related. It's almost like I can only have empathy for her, or for myself. I hope one day I can have it for BOTH of us but that's not where I am right now."

I believe your first sentence above provides rationale as to how and why my depression diminished, i.e., once I discovered BPD I stopped seeing myself from her point of view. But I've reached the point where I'm not interested in having empathy for her. For one reason, that empathy seems to have been the primary source of my depression and that cycle couldn't continue! All I'm interested in is a cordial and civil relationship with her and seeing that her physical needs are met at her advanced age. And sometimes that goal is a real challenge!

I really appreciate the validation you give in the last paragraph to my childhood memories and gut feelings today. I still attempt to cut her some slack at times, which leads to the self-doubt and self-bashing.

It doesn't seem fair that we have to work so hard to learn new ways of thinking and acting in our adult lives, ways that should have been taught at childhood. And we don't just have to learn new techniques, at the same time we have to extinguish the old ones. But while my mother was hospitalized recently and I was having a lot more contact with her, I came to realize that she had taught me more than I realized about life. That lesson is to think and act the polar opposite of her on most everything.

But I realize that most people have to overcome some adversity in their lives, this just happens to be ours. And I think we're fortunate to have gotten this far. The struggle does get easier and their is light now and ahead.

P.S. I hate to admit ignorance and have to seek help on this technical matter, but I can't figure out how to insert quotes from other posters into my response. When I try "Insert Quote", their entire post appears in my response even when I select the specific text that I want to reference. I'm using an iPad but that shouldn't seem to matter.

[Progress Not Perfection]

I had a really hard time with inserting quotes too! When you click "insert quote" it puts the entire text in between two pieces of code. It starts out with "quote" and then a bunch of numbers and equal signs. I tried to paste it here but it won't show up (since the code makes it provide the "insert quote". After that code, all of the person's response is there, and then at the end, a backslash and then "quote" . Basically you just go in and delete what you don't want to quote, and just be sure to leave the code at either side of the entirety of the text. Hopefully that will work!

Yes, we are survivors and there is light here and in the future. What a great way to put it! I do think I learned some great skills from growing up with my mom, and I actually laughed out loud at your summary of the lesson -- to just do the opposite of everything she did. It's one of those not-really-funny, but sometimes you gotta laugh things.

Good luck on your journey, and thanks for the posts!

[Indie]

I came to realize that she had taught me more than I realized about life. That lesson is to think and act the polar opposite of her on most everything. 

imataloss, this is exactly what I did bringing up our son!  Or tried to do, with the help of my husband.  I even recall thinking as a teenager that if I ever had children, it would be a simple road map... .just do the opposite!  How little did I know.   

To your questions about depression, yes, both my brother (I lost him to suicide 24 years ago) and I suffer/suffered from depression.  I don't think there is anyone on earth that could convince me it is not the result of our uBPDm.   I learned about BPD by chance about 10 years ago when a friend, undergoing therapy, shared her stories and the Lawson book.  I still recall my shock to learn that my mother's behaviors were an actual disorder, and my feelings about her were not because *I* was the bad child (and I was about 50 at the time, too!  LOL)  I don't think it lessened my level of depression at the time to learn this.   Yes, for me there is most definitely a correlation about how I feel about my mother and my depression.    For so many reasons:  sadness that so many days, months, years wasted with FOG, immense sadness that my brother succumbed, sadness that I could not seem to let go of the hope that I would one day have the kind of mom I needed.  Fear and anger too, anxiety, at times crushing anxiety,... .which does not pair well with depression.

I love your comment:  There is light now and ahead.  Yes, there is!   And I will not let my light extinguish, I won't.  Just got a vision of everyone on the boards having at least little spark of light and put all together, we can have an awesome bonfire.

[imataloss]

Thanks for the remedial instruction on how to insert quotes, Progress. I had started in the direction you explain, but thought that was too complicated and that there must be an easier way. And it forget that you can preview your post and make corrections if the correct text isn't quoted.

Glad you got a chuckle from my "life lessons" learned from mom! It really does help to have a sense of humor in dealing with these people. If you take it too seriously, and we all do from time to time, it can really wear you down.

It's so affirming to be able to converse on here with others such as yourself who can relate and get it. Until I found this board, I didn't know there were others out there like myself.

[imataloss]

Indie, good for you that you were able to break the cycle in how you raised your own son. You deserve to pat yourself on the back and feel a sense of pride in that. I don't have children, and overall am glad about that because I'm afraid I would have really screwed them up!

I feel for you in the loss of your brother. I would think that his tragic death makes it even more difficult to have a relationship with your uBPD mom. You obviously are a survivor and had the will to make a better life for yourself and your own family. I realize that it's hard at times, but try to grab hold of your successes in life and the adversity that you've overcome and continue to face head on.

Learning about BPD had the effect of letting me off the hook. I finally got that it wasn't all my fault and that her behavior wasn't normal. It allowed me to discover who I am and explore my own feelings, desires, and beliefs.

Hope that we all find the inner peace that we're seeking.

[Change2014]

Thank you for this posting about this.  I too have a history of depression and anxiety.  I have been on anti-depressants on and off for the past 10 years.  I believe that for me it is partly genetics (my mother has anxiety/depression), environmental circumstances, and learned patterns of thinking.  My uBPD mother is very negative and critical and I think I internalized a lot of those patterns of thinking.  I am very unforgiving of myself and have a hard time cutting myself some slack.  I also got along better with my mother when I was depressed.  She even told me that she liked me better when I was depressed.  She didn't care for the happy me.  I found that very hurtful.  I remember clearly because we were living together temporarily and as I was emerging out of a deep dark depression, she and I had more conflict. I also know that if I spend more time around her that I start to feel really depressed.  For awhile, I had a hard time going over to my parent's home because I just felt myself getting depressed.  I realized that I felt depressed growing up to some extent around my mom because I felt powerless.  In adulthood, I have felt depressed around her because I have felt powerless to help her.  She rather sit in misery than do something about it and it is extremely distressing for me because I lover her and want her to be happy and healthy.