Financial Abuse

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've posted a number of questions and received some awesome insights about pwBPD and their uses of finance to control and abuse nons. I thought the following was a great explanation: "[They] are control freaks, paranoid, jealous, possessive, and envious. They are the sad products of early childhood abandonment by parents, caregivers, role models, and/or peers. Hence their extreme abandonment anxiety and insecure attachment style. Fostering financial dependence in their nearest and dearest is just another way of making sure of their continued presence as sources of ... .supply (attention.) He who holds the purse strings holds the heart’s strings. Reducing other people to begging and cajoling also buttresses the narcissist’s grandiose fantasy of omnipotence and provides him with a somewhat sadistic gratification." This explains quite a lot about why my xBPDbf wanted all login and password information to all of my accounts; loathed my financial manager, and would have sent me to financial ruin if he could have.

[Loveofhislife]

I've posted a number of questions and received some awesome insights about pwBPD and their uses of finance to control and abuse nons. I thought the following was a great explanation: "[They] are control freaks, paranoid, jealous, possessive, and envious. They are the sad products of early childhood abandonment by parents, caregivers, role models, and/or peers. Hence their extreme abandonment anxiety and insecure attachment style. Fostering financial dependence in their nearest and dearest is just another way of making sure of their continued presence as sources of ... .supply (attention.) He who holds the purse strings holds the heart’s strings. Reducing other people to begging and cajoling also buttresses the narcissist’s grandiose fantasy of omnipotence and provides him with a somewhat sadistic gratification." This explains quite a lot about why my xBPDbf wanted all login and password information to all of my accounts; loathed my financial manager, and would have sent me to financial ruin if he could have.

[camuse]

I've posted a number of questions and received some awesome insights about pwBPD and their uses of finance to control and abuse nons. I thought the following was a great explanation: "[They] are control freaks, paranoid, jealous, possessive, and envious. They are the sad products of early childhood abandonment by parents, caregivers, role models, and/or peers. Hence their extreme abandonment anxiety and insecure attachment style. Fostering financial dependence in their nearest and dearest is just another way of making sure of their continued presence as sources of ... .supply (attention.) He who holds the purse strings holds the heart’s strings. Reducing other people to begging and cajoling also buttresses the narcissist’s grandiose fantasy of omnipotence and provides him with a somewhat sadistic gratification." This explains quite a lot about why my xBPDbf wanted all login and password information to all of my accounts; loathed my financial manager, and would have sent me to financial ruin if he could have.

Mine couldn't financially control me since she had no money and spent all her spare cash on cannabis, while I am reasonably well off. She made a point of paying her way. At Christmas I bought her some nice gifts, but she was just sad because she hadn't spent as much on me. The next year she spent silly amounts on me. I told her I didn't care about expensive gifts and it was unnecessary, I just wanted to make her smile, but she insisted. She really resented the fact that I have been successful, financially.

However, she made it clear that if we moved in together, I was to pay for the house entirely, but put her on the deeds, and also if we had children I was to pay for them, since I earn more. So while she had no financial power over me while dating, I think she had plans to change this in the future once she had me hooked properly.

She bought a house with her previous BF but told me he paid for everything. When they split up, she left it all behind, and said it was because she felt guilty about leaving him, but I suspect it was actually because none of it was hers.

[Loveofhislife]

Pieces of the puzzle are slowly beginning to come together--especially as my ship continues to sail out of the FOG... .my xbfBPD would say, "But when I pay you back, you won't need me anymore."  I also have written many posts on this board, about the brutal ST he is putting me through now into the fifth week (see Silent Treatment Redux).  Since I have learned that ST is all about control, and since the trigger for that ST was my asking to be repaid coupled with my DARING TO SAY, "I don't NEED you; I choose you; I want you"; I believe my exhorting him to pay me makes him feel in control. Well, there we have it, Watson. The last five (5) weeks indeed have been my cajoling and begging him to  "help" me out of the financial mire I entered by financially supporting him and his every whim, aka "NEED."  I know it doesn't help our healing by obsessing about what is going on with pwBPD, but when your life and livelihood is depending on it... .The moral to this story is NEVER NEVER NEVER give up any control of or access to your resources (especially financial) to pwBPD.  They are driven by NEED, and in our civilization, NEED is often met (though ephemerally) by money-- and they are a bottomless pit of NEED.  I have a very close friend who is married to a pwBPD; her very self worth (if there is such a thing with BPD) is based on money.  She has driven them into bankruptcy court and a foreclosure on their home.  And she refuses to stop spending. She returns jewelry at Christmas to find out how much he paid for it. If he didn't spend enough on her, he doesn't love her.

[Mr Hollande]

My ex is up over her head in debt and doesn't own a pot to p*ss in. Her way of using financial matters against me was that my family aren't poor like her, her current drug dealer boyfriend and his loser friends. Because we have done alright in life we are bad and shallow people. The fact that my parents came from humble backgrounds and that we'd all been generous to her was argued in vain. Us well to do middleclass people are callous monsters and that is that.

Financial abuse in reverse maybe. Or is it? Is it perhaps just that when our time is up they clutch at anything, however absurd, to hold it against us?

[freedom33]

Mine used to splash money she didn't have on me like gifts and stuff, especially when she would sense that I would abandon her, and then resent herself and me for doing so. Beward of BPDs bearing gifts (particularly expensive ones). Nothing is free and everything is conditional in this relationship. How tiring it was! Just remembering it know makes me feel good for the decision to dump her and go NC. And also the rs I had before her feels like heaven now. We were together for a long time and things got a bit boring in the end a few things happened and we split up for good but boy next time I will know how to appreciate downtime and boredom  

[Loveofhislife]

Mr. Hollande--in fact, I believe it is at least part of why I am split black (because I am independently wealthy, and I don't want to give him EVERYTHING--my heart and soul weren't enough).  Many, many times I heard him spout his vitriole about how his mother and step father had inherited a large amount of money and would share none of it with him (maybe because, he already owed them a whole heck of a lot... .or MAYBE because he is a 48 year old high level developer?) Or how many times did I hear that his ex wife (who he married twice) and her family were all about the money (projection, me thinks). It mattered not;  everyone's money should be his. He's entitled.  Oh yeah---that's what sent him to federal prison for three years. DUH! I just get so angry with myself that I trusted him.  However, I had no idea about his past when I met him.

[Loveofhislife]

Freedom33--good to see you back; have been following your other posts.  Congrats on NC; I hope to be joining you very soon.  I mentioned a friend of mine who is married to a pwBPD, and yes she has lavished him with very expensive gifts (that he neither wants nor needs).  And yes, she's doing this while he is under severe scrutiny by a bankruptcy trustee.  He makes a handsome earned income but has never been able to keep up with her spending.  He calls it financial infidelity!  Whomever she wishes to lure into her web, she lavishes with expensive gifts, as they get deeper and deeper into debt.  Even their house went into foreclosure, yet she still spends whatever she can get her hands on.  I call it financial abuse!

[RisingSun]

I know all about financial abuse. My stbxw came into our marriage with a lot of family money. She paid cash for our two homes and a large piece of land in the mountains.

I make enough to support myself but only need to work part time to do so. With my extra time I would take care of the house during the week and our cabin and land during the weekends.

I did all the cooking, shopping and cleaning. She worked full time, maintaining her own business. I would help with her business as much as possible and generally did what I could to keep her stress levels down. All she would have to do is text me and I'd have lunch or dinner made when she got home. My days were full and I didn't have a lot left to further my own career. I was fine with this because of the future plans we had in the mountains.

We had a business plan which would allow us to move up to our cabin full time. I was working hard to see that this vision was manifesting. I've spent 100's of hours on the weekends and during my vacation time, working to create a beautiful retreat for us in the mountains. Helped build our cabin and fix up the property, etc. I put a lot of my own money into building our life together. I also worked hard to see that she was supported in a way that allowed her business grow.

In the end, she decided to divorce me and take everything. She threatened to drag our court case out if I hired a lawyer, knowing I didn't have the money to fight her. She accused me of living off of her. I did no such thing. I didn't make as much as her and she owned our homes, that was her justification for taking this stance. She would also say that I was living "rent free" in her homes. I've never heard of a spouse paying rent before. I pulled my weight ten fold and got no credit, only grief. 

I'm passionate about and love what I do for a living. She knew very well before we got married that I didn't have great potential for making lots of money. She used to respect me for my chosen path and profession. That was until we got married. That all changed quickly. It was nonstop abuse; I didn't make enough. I couldn't support a family. I wasn't man enough to support her. Even though I put in so much of my time and effort into our life. Her reply when I brought up all that I contributed to our marriage "that's your F'ing job!".

Over the course of our relationship I never asked her for money. Nor did I try to steer her into spending her inheritance. I never tried to take advantage of her financial standing.

All our bills were paid from a joint account, that we equally contributed to each month. All she had over me was that she owned our homes. She used this over and over to pin me in a corner and act like I was living off of her. I couldn't get her to budge from this stance regardless of how much I did for her.

She took everything from me. She showed no remorse or empathy. In the end it didn't matter that I put my career on hold to help her grow her business. Nor did she care a bit about how much time, energy or sweat equity I invested in our future business plans. She took it all and ran for the hills. Literally.

Now she's off with someone else who doesn't have or make a lot of money and he's deep in debt. I can already see where this is going. Poor fellow, he doesn't know what lies ahead.

[camuse]

My ex is up over her head in debt and doesn't own a pot to p*ss in. Her way of using financial matters against me was that my family aren't poor like her, her current drug dealer boyfriend and his loser friends. Because we have done alright in life we are bad and shallow people. The fact that my parents came from humble backgrounds and that we'd all been generous to her was argued in vain. Us well to do middleclass people are callous monsters and that is that.

Financial abuse in reverse maybe. Or is it? Is it perhaps just that when our time is up they clutch at anything, however absurd, to hold it against us?

I think mine just resented my successes. I actually bought a new car soon after meeting her based on what I thought she'd like, but when I told her she simply was not interested. I told her how fun it would be to drive to places and do fun things, and she could drive it too, but she simply ignored me and told me some of her problems. She wanted me dragged down to her level. A partner who wants you to fail, how lovely.

[Tiepje3]

My uBPDstbxh is high functioning, has a really, really well paid job, always put a certain amount of money into the joined account and when we didn't make it to the end of the month, he'd just transfer some more. He paid for vacations, bought motorcycles, gadgets etc. but never, never gave me insight into his financial statements or transactions. He would not tell me how much the new motorcycle had cost, only that 'it was a good deal'. Since I trusted him and relied on him and he was good for his word, and I could always pay the bills, it didn't worry me too much. The fact that he wouldn't share information was a problem for me.

Two years ago he talked me into leaving my really lousy job and finally go back to school (a four year education). I took the risk. Now I'm half way through, 2,5 more years to go and we're divorcing. He still pays money into the joint account, but it's just enough to pay the bills and some grocery money. I HATE it! I'm the one dealing with the anxiety of making it to the end of the month, I'm the one having to budget (don't mind doing that though, as long as he's out of my life), I'm the one having to beg, making sure that around the end of the month we're on speaking terms so he'll 'donate' more. My life is upside down, I don't even know if I can finish my education which was meant to be able to get a better job. I hate the dependency, I hate the power he has over me, I hate the begging, I hate the fact that he makes so much money and is probably spending it on the replacement. I don't mind trying to find a job but it will mess up my education big time. I just hate the fact that I have to be grateful that he is still paying. And still... .no insight into his finances.

Was I stupid to quit my job? Don't know. We were in a really good episode for a year and another good year followed until last January when things turned sour again, third cycle in six years. Getting together with the lawyers on Wednesday for the first time. I'm determined to make him pay, but based on the laws in my country and not on what he thinks I deserve.

[freedom33]

My uBPDstbxh is high functioning, has a really, really well paid job, always put a certain amount of money into the joined account and when we didn't make it to the end of the month, he'd just transfer some more. He paid for vacations, bought motorcycles, gadgets etc. but never, never gave me insight into his financial statements or transactions... .

Getting together with the lawyers on Wednesday for the first time. I'm determined to make him pay, but based on the laws in my country and not on what he thinks I deserve.

Sounds like a good deal in terms of money and you might be getting an even better one with the divorce. A win-win  

[Popcorn71]

My ex tried very hard to make me financially dependent on him.  He was always very generous and told me that he wanted me to have an easy ife and that he wanted to look ater me.

This was followed by him strongly encouraging me to give up my job and making it difficult for me to continue working by refusing to stay home with my kids while I worked at weekends.

It was all part of his big plan to isolate me and make me dependent on him.  Once I stopped working, I stopped seeing people and rarely left the house unless it was with him.  This was what he wanted.

When he moved out due to the problems we were having, he immediately stopped giving me any money even though he knew I was at risk of losing my home because of this.  He kept telling me that if he came back I would not have to find a job and worry about money.  He was trying to buy me.  Fortunately, I got a job and that was went things really got bad.  At that point he could see he had not hold over me.

I think financial abuse is just another weapon for them.  They will use whatever abuse they have to.

[ajr5679]

wow, I have been wanting to asked a question about money and how they handle it. my ex BPDgf  was horrible with money and I knew this. When I first met her I thought she might be okay with money. I figured she could take care of herself. but I was wrong. when I first met her she had nice things. but what I did not know is nothing belong to her. her ex husband bought everything. when she moved into my place she wanted to bring her stuff over because my stuff was old so allowed her to clean my place out and move her stuff in. use living together lasted about a month . then her so need to move in and she could not handle him because he had needs. so she left me with him and started see her ex again. this kid had anger problems he was so abusive to me but I took it because I loved her ( I was addicted to her) After her son put me in the hospital l because he beat me up . after I got out of the mental hospital she moved out. I came home to a empty house. I asked her to leave me a folding chair, but she needed that for her porch. I was left with all the bills ( she never paid for anything but some food but I was not allowed to eat it.

so now I have broken windows , wholes in my walls and in my floor. he broke almost all of my door in my place. so I did not here from her for almost two years. one day she got ahold of me and I went wright back. she told me that she changed blah blah. this lasted for a year , I was miserable because but I had my drug.

she never paid for anything( but she told everybody she did ) her needed to move back in her and I was not happy. this is the only boundary I stuck to. she tried to take everything again, but I would not let her. she told everybody that I stole her stuff. and I was bat ___ crazy. and how she has to sleep with a old man for money.  to be honest I don`t care bout any of her stuff. but I was not allowing it to happen again. and I am also taken her to slow claims court because I have proof that I paid all the bills. I am so sick and tired of allowing people with BPD to control me . I really feel that they don`t care how you feel or what is happening to u. she is my third relationship with someone with BPD. and all of them have been bad with money

[cwell260]

These posts resonate all too well with me. In my past BPD relationship, I was the financial liability, or at least this is how my ex painted the picture. When we started dating, we were both full time university students, but through the idealization phase, she had thought it was a good idea for us to move in together. Both of us worked, hard, through our education and jobs to be able to pay the bills. We weren't fully well off, but weren't destitute either, and were able to live quite comfortably. I had one time made a little financial mistake, and she insisted on putting up the money for it. I think this was a way for her to be in control, and she had never let me forget it by using it against me in the multitude of fights we had in the few years after, whether or not the fight was about money.

We always shared the expenses equally, but she always made me feel as though I had never put up a dime. She even did this some months after we had broken up, which was when I fully instated NC (it had been almost full NC, but she had kept trying to contact me throughout that time). The disturbing thing is that she maliciously used finances against me, even when the situation had nothing to do with money, and even after we broke up.

I'm still not fully sure if all of this was to control me, or just to hurt me, because it came up so often. She seemed to make it clear though that she didn't want me to be dependent, and I wasn't. But even though I didn't show dependence, and during our post secondary educations showed more team work, she still held this one financial blunder against me, and ultimately left me (I'm also unsure if the breakup was due to any financial reasons).