Excusing, hiding, sugar-coating

[NeedHelpPls]

Checking this website 100 times a day seems to be the only thing that keeps me sane these days.

I was sure if I could work up the courage to put an end to this madness, stress, physical ailments, roller-coaster ride, I would be free, and be happier.

But honestly, I don't feel any happier, and the pain, and with drawl symptoms of exiting addictive and toxic relationship is too great to bear sometimes.

The initial idealization phase (the honeymoon phase) was short lived, but I lived to recreate that phase however short and brief it came. I showered her with gifts, love notes, going out of my way to take care of her, completely ignoring my own needs and wants. Heck, I even proposed thinking that would make her feel secure and this madness and mood swings will subside.

Throughout this... ."ordeal" of course, there was so many good memories as well, which haunts me to this date. But its the all too often, irrational anger, blame, disassociating that left me in the rut.

Going back to the title of the post, I have not said not one word about the issues I was having with this relationship, I would only speak of the good things, sugar-coat them as if I am the happiest guy alive. My family, and my friends thought I have finally met the "one". But this nagging doubts were always there, my gut feeling, which eventually materialized into physical illness as the nuptial date got closer and closer.

I swing wildly between, thinking it could not be helped, I was so unhappy, and deeply tormented... .

to, no, you gave up on her, if only I could have taken it all in, became a bigger person... .go after her before its too late... .

I just want that part of my life erased. Or memories wiped out.

I am but a shadow of my former self.

[freedom33]

Sounds like you are feeling pretty low - feeling as if you abandoned that person and with it it the hope (illusion) that things could have been good between you. Although you don't describe what the problems were one thing I note is that if one is hiding their genuine feelings and thoughts for their partner from their own family and friends then this is not a good sign. I did the same. And I also have been spending the last 4 days of my life pretty much for hours in this forum.

My warm wishes to get back on a healing track. There is real hope there.

[Hope0807]

NeedHelpPls,

You are so not alone.  I just posted my own bit of heart wrenching.  This forum is a life-line like no other for "Non" survivors.  However, I must admit to some solace that as much as I continue to hurt today, I am in a MUCH better space than I was months ago.  When I first found out about "BPD" I felt obsessed and entirely addicted to reading everything I could get my hands on to help me understand the disorder.  After all, I struggled shaking my head for 7 years and wondering what what in the world is going on…and then 3 letters opened up my entire world and explained it to me in great detail.  We get the facts of their illness, but it's all utterly unbelievable and so tough to wrap our heads around.  When you know the facts you can't help but ask yourself how it was you who got stuck with THAT.  I also stumbled upon a great few articles that validated my obsession/addiction to reading about BPD  and said needing to educate oneself and understand the disorder's pathology is a totally NORMAL and HEALTHY thing to do  - and that it is a vital requirement in the healing process for the Non.  So, I continued to read and heal.  When I can or am forced to pry myself away into something less BPD obsessed, I am grateful.  One moment, one day at a time is all I keep telling myself.  I journal, I read, I walk…and ultimately pray for the days that these thoughts and this pain no longer controls my days. 

Keep posting, keep reading.  Know you are not alone at all. 

Checking this website 100 times a day seems to be the only thing that keeps me sane these days.

I was sure if I could work up the courage to put an end to this madness, stress, physical ailments, roller-coaster ride, I would be free, and be happier.

But honestly, I don't feel any happier, and the pain, and with drawl symptoms of exiting addictive and toxic relationship is too great to bear sometimes.

The initial idealization phase (the honeymoon phase) was short lived, but I lived to recreate that phase however short and brief it came. I showered her with gifts, love notes, going out of my way to take care of her, completely ignoring my own needs and wants. Heck, I even proposed thinking that would make her feel secure and this madness and mood swings will subside.

Throughout this... ."ordeal" of course, there was so many good memories as well, which haunts me to this date. But its the all too often, irrational anger, blame, disassociating that left me in the rut.

Going back to the title of the post, I have not said not one word about the issues I was having with this relationship, I would only speak of the good things, sugar-coat them as if I am the happiest guy alive. My family, and my friends thought I have finally met the "one". But this nagging doubts were always there, my gut feeling, which eventually materialized into physical illness as the nuptial date got closer and closer.

I swing wildly between, thinking it could not be helped, I was so unhappy, and deeply tormented... .

to, no, you gave up on her, if only I could have taken it all in, became a bigger person... .go after her before its too late... .

I just want that part of my life erased. Or memories wiped out.

I am but a shadow of my former self.

[Trish50]

You are definitely NOT alone! Feels great to know that I'm not the only person that just seems to find some type of healing from this forum!  I spend hours reading the posts and FINALLY feel that I'm not the only person who has been through the experience of a BPD relationship.  I am in the phase of reading everything I can get my hands on to understand the disorder. 

[ajr5679]

I have been doing the samething. I was always shaking my head thinking I was crazy. I come on here to read other peoples stories so I don't feel so alone.