My 17 year old son has BPD traits and I don't know what to do.

[Amarantine]

My son has destructed property, attempted suicide, and yelled hateful things to me and my husband as long as I can remember. He works at a grocery store and wanted to have his own apartment so I leased the apartment in my name because he is only 17. The office is aware that he is to live there on his own. With all of the conflict, aggression, anxiety, and stress affiliated with my son, we decided to give it a try.

Two months ago, he punched a window of the car out and I called crisis intervention team and he went inpatient for probable the 8th time in the last 6 years.e started back on Prozac at that time but now the outpatient psychiatrist appointment has come. (this Tuesday) He has decided that he doesn't want to see a dr. or continue medications. I really want him to get some help but he thinks the problem is completely related to me, his mother, and his stepdad.

He has been moved out only since June 1st. Yesterday, my husband and I went to his apartment to pick him up for work. We were there at 11 and he was to get to work by noon. He didn't answer the door so we just went in. We said hello and said we would just sit in the living room until he got ready. He started yelling at us to get out, that we could not watch TV and just a bunch of other hateful things. He also threatened to call in to work. We tried to joke and lighten the tension but could not. We just left as he yelled at us from his bed.

At 11:45 he texted me and asked if I was still giving him a ride to work. I said I would come pick him up. I called him when I arrived and told him I was in the driveway. He came out and got in the car. On the five minute drive to work, he apologized for earlier. I told him that we were there to do him a favor and didn't appreciate how hateful he acts towards us. He then began to get agitated and yelled that it was our fault for bursting in without even knocking or ringing the bell. I tried to calmly reason with him that we did ring the bell. He then called me many curse words and starting stomping his foot on the bottom of the car and punching the door of the car.

I told him to stop tearing up my property and he yelled for me to just shut up. He then said he wasn't going in to work angry so turn around and take him home. I reminded him that it was fathers day. He started saying things about my husband such as, "He isn't a father to anyone. You told him to be more active and he didn't listen." He also said he wanted to call him to come over for a fist fight right now.

This escalation happens so frequently and then turns to sheer hatefulness. I am so tired from it all. He then refused to get out of the car at the apartment for 15 more minutes. He would just stare and not respond to me telling him to get out. He threatened that he wants nothing to do with me and he will not ever speak to me again.

I finally told him that if he thought threatening me with an end to this behavior was a threat, it is not. I told him that him not speaking to me and destroying my property, not being verbally abusive and aggressive would be better than how he is acting now. He told me I am dead to him and he doesn't even want me at his funeral.

I cried all the way back home and couldn't go inside when I got home. A friend called me and I told her what happened. She tried to comfort me and advise me that one day he will see what is going on.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Amarantine]

ending of first post-

This wears on me so heavily. I don't understand why he thought moving out would end these behaviors or why he continues to say that we are the reason he acts this way. It makes no sense to me and I have been seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist for years to try to be able to function healthily and not sink into deep depression because I feel trapped in this relationship with my son. I love him so much and at the same time he is so unbearable.

I found this forum while looking for info to help my family. I signed up a while back but this is my first post. It is very hard to live like this and there have been so many people with "suggestions" on how to make my son behave throughout the years. But, they don't really understand what is happening in our home and family. Maybe you all can give me some new perspectives on what can improve our situation.

Thank you,

Erica

[michmom]

Hello and welcome.  I am so sorry your son and your family are in so much distress.  I have been dealing with my BPD D and one crisis after another for 4 plus years.  I too experience the inability at times to find solutions.  Living with distress the majority of the time can take away all the joy of life and leave you completely drained.  Does your son have a diagnoses?  I would recommend the recommended books on this site.  The workshops are also very helpful.  Validating can be very helpful.  I have learned validation skills and it has improved my interactions with my 16 yr old D. 

We are hear for you when you need to vent.

[Lollypop]

Hi there amarantine

Welcome. You're among friends here who all have a similar story and know exactly how you're feeling. This alone, as I've found, is worth its weight in gold.

My BPD is my eldest son who is now 25. Your post really resonated with me, my son internalises his emotions and so doesn't rage, but his frustrations are evident and reading your own story I could see myself in your shoes at that age.

I found my friends such a support, but then as my own situation became unbearable and my friends could see that they'd said all they could say our get togethers became all about me. I was bringing them down, they so wanted me to be happy but they just couldn't help. They got fed up of me whining. My relationship completely broke down with my son (who was living in a garden shed in a "friends" house. I finally understood I was part of the problem. Everything Id ever done or said only made things worse.  I've shouted, cried, manipulated, dominated, controlled, stalked, gave up, ignored, enabled and then some. I got caught up in his dramas and mostly created them myself without even realising.

My BPDs25 used a lot of drugs and this really complicated his behaviours. He had a drug problem.

I went along to FA and found some comfort. This set me on a path to basically understand I can't change anybody else, only myself and how I react.

My son got diagnosed last sept at 24. He returned home mid-Dec following a crisis.  We didn't want him home but just couldn't bear the fear of what he'd do.  We had no choice, or so we felt, as we'd been financially supporting him and our money ran out.

I've been active in this forum for about 7 months. It has been my absolute life saver.

Please read the threads.  Importantly use the bars on the top right of this page.  Validation is an absolute must and it works.  I practised and practised as I learnt how to change my approach.  My focus was on getting my BPDs stable, providing a loving and supportive environment and fortunately he has responded very positively. I'm feeling more positive about his life. As I've learnt from others when I've asked for help, read books and understood a lot more about borderline I understand my sons limitations.

His life will not be the one I hoped for for him but he will need to find his own way to live it as he chooses.  I'm trying to be the parent he needs. My BPDs is addicted to weed and does not seek treatment. However, there are many positives and with better communication skills learnt on this forum we have a much better relationship. It's been a miracle. It's been a lot of hard work.

I look forward to reading your posts.

Have you heard from your son since the last episode?

You must be feeling very upset and angry.  It's just so exhausting and I used to swing from helping to wanting to shake him. I just couldn't understand why he behaved so.

I know better now.

[Amarantine]

Michmom, Thanks for your reply. My son has been diagnosed throughout the years with a few things. He was diagnosed with Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified from age 6. A few years later, the doctors said ADD. Then it was treated as Major Depressive Disorder and then Oppositional Defiant Disorder at age 12. From 13 to 15 he began smoking marijuana and using other drugs.

He was placed on juvenile probation at 14 and would not comply or attend school. Finally he was sent to an out of state placement facility for 6 months last year. It was a peer led accountability program in which the boys were made to hold each other accountable for negative attitudes or behaviors. I did not have a choice where he was sent. It was a decision made by the judge. He did well there and had no issues whatsoever.

He came home in August and did well at first but started declining in mood. I have tried and tried to get him to comply with seeking treatment. He feels they didn't help his whole life and it's a waste of time. He doesn't want to try new medications. He has tried many for the depression and some mood stabilizers. It seemed like they always would help a little at first, but not really much. Then he would stop taking them. This last time he went acute inpatient, he agreed to do therapy and see the dr. but now that its actually here, he refuses. Depression, Conduct disorder and possible personality disorder was his recent diagnosis at the inpatient facility.

[Amarantine]

Lollypop, Thanks for your reply. I've only read a few posts and am trying to learn how to navigate the website so thanks for your tips. I don't know what validation is so I am going to read on that. I do feel that we somehow make the problems worse with my son. The posts I have read sound like the sorts of shenanigans we have had going on for years. He hates us, he loves us. He hates one of us, loves the other. He loves life, he hates life. He wants nothing to do with me, and yet he believes that every time he has been admitted acute inpatient for his own safety, I have abandoned him.

When he was little the dr's tried to talk about Bipolar but I have always tried to tell them this is not longterm cycling. It happens and lasts for several minutes to several hours but then it stops. When he was 15 I suggested to his therapist that I had read about BPD and thought he may have it but she told me that is not diagnosed until age 18. I told her that doesn't mean he doesn't have it.

I really appreciate you welcoming me to this group and hopefully I can get some knowledge on what I can do to make things better.

He did call me yesterday and ask for a ride to work. This was one day after he said I was dead to him. I told him that I can drive him if he promises not to yell and be verbally abusive. He was quiet on the way and thanked me for the ride.

My insides ache terribly because I am uncertain what his future holds and when the next meltdown will occur. I am trying to steady myself and block it out so as not to lose site of the other parts of my life. I love him so much. I am so sad for him. I know he must be miserable. It can't feel good to be so hateful and out of control. One of the things I really don't understand is how he can seemingly turn it off and on.

[Lollypop]

Hi amarantine

I found I get stronger the more knowledge I gain.  I still have bad days but they are fewer.

Validation seems so simple, it can feel very strange at first, it takes practise to sound natural but it DOES work.

It really helps to improve the relationship. This helped my son trust  again - he knows we won't react.  It got to the point that every conversation we had was prickly as I was always wagging my finger at him.  Now I model behaviours I want to see in my family and amazingly they respond positively.

I posted up full conversations to ask for feedback to help me improve.

Baby steps for us all.  The more Ive learnt the more I realise that my BPDs isn't switching anything on and off. Yes, he can try and manipulate, avoid and be resistant but I can see it for what it is. With a calmer atmosphere I can see the triggers more clearly.

I'm glad you had a few minutes of calm yourself with your son. It can be done.

Take care of yourself