introduction

[nitasmom]

Hi,

I have a 26 year old step-daughter who has not been formally diagnosed, but who exhibits BPD traits.  She was living with us during her pregnancy and the first 4 months after our grandson was born.  We endured rages, theft, putting her through rehab, calling CPS due to her raging/yelling at her newborn.  She finally left to live 'on her own', taking her son with her, but we still have weekly drama and pretty much pay her living expenses.  Fortunately, we are able to keep our grandson most weekends, but I do worry about what he sees going on when he is with her during the week, even at such a young age (8 mos) I feel that it does affect him.  

Anyway, I hope that this site can help in giving me some support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello nitasmom, and 

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much drama with your step-daughter. It must have been heart wrenching to see her rage on your grandchild, an innocent little baby, and probably got you angry, too. It's great, though, that you are able to keep the baby on weekends. Your SD probably needs that time to reset, right or wrong. One of the core behaviors of a pwBPD (person with BPD) is an inabilitu to regulate their emotions and it sounds like she is very dysregulated. Did the CPS call result in a helpful investigation, or is that still ongoing?

Since she has custody of her child, your options are limited, but not non existent. Please take a look at this discussion to see if you find anything useful:

What is the story on "Grandparents' Rights?

Since you are still in contact, and taking care of your grandchild most weekends, it may help you to learn some communication tools which may help reduce conflict with her, and also perhaps understanding what is going on. It's a lot of info, but you can benefit from aborbing this information.

Lessons: What Can A Parent Do?

You are not alone here, and I hope we can support you!

Turkish

[HealingSpirit]

Hello nitasmom,

I'd like to join Turkish in welcoming you to our family. 

I am so sorry you are dealing with the pain and fear of watching your Step-daughter rage and mistreat her baby. My heart goes out to you and your grandchild. Such a sad situation!

Along with Turkish, I am also curious if child services is being helpful in your situation.   Sometimes "the system" that is designed to help families in distress actually makes it worse, which is frustrating, but not hopeless.

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better.

Turkish already gave you a link to the lessons for parents, which is a great place to get yourself educated about BPD and what YOU can do to improve the situation by not making it worse.  I'd also like yo invite you to post on what we call the "Parenting board." Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

There are several step-parents and grandparents there, along with those of us like me, who are dealing with a teenagers with BPD. (My daughter is 17.) We all support each other because we can all understand what it is really like to live with someone with BPD. You are not alone!