My daughters emerging Borderline Personality Disorder - Breaking my heart

[sadmumma]

Hi everyone, I've just named my self "sadmumma" as right now, this is what i am... .A sad mumma.  My daughter is 17 years old, and her psychologist and I have have watched her emerging BPD over the past 5 years.  I'm so desperate for help, I have even written to Dr Phil (and I don't live in the USA sadly).  I have tried so many ways of communicating with her, but she is so extremely difficult to talk to.  She constantly misunderstands me (and i assume everyone else too), she swaps friends weekly, she has become dependent on drugs, she moved out of home in February to live with her nan (my mum), but that only lasted 4 months. She now lives in the worst part of town, has quit her study, has no job, has sex for drugs, and just yesterday, broke into my home and stole a whole lot of money. She also stole her nan's credit card and racked up $7000 in over 2-3 days.  I guess i am at my wits end.  We have had so many trips to emergency for suicide attempts, have had dealings with police for a number of things... .and sadly, I can't see any hope right now.  As i sit and remember my baby girl, at the age of 3, who would wave to me from the lounge room window as i drove off to work, she would sign (as in sign language) to me "I LOVE YOU", and i would return the sign back.  We use to have this thing together, when we held each others hand, we would squeeze it tightly one to two times, which was also just a "funny thing" we did with each other... .this little girl has now gone, and Im sitting here, so heart broken, with the fondest of memories, crying my eyes out.  What breaks me the most is when others, who don't know her story, judge her,and say to me, things like "oh when is she going to grow up" and things like this.  I want to say to those people, "oh mind your own business... .she is not well"  but i feel like they then judge me.

I am hoping that i will meet people here, who know exactly what i am going through, and can sincerely sympathize with me.I hoping  i will learn things from all of you, which will help me, re connect with her.

Thanks all

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi sadmumma,

There's a lot going on with your daughter and I understand how tough this must be for you as a mother to witness your child go through this. BPD is a difficult disorder, challenging in many ways but there is hope though. There are people with BPD who through hard work and commitment have learned to better deal with their difficult thoughts and emotions. Your daughter is still very young and although she's in a bad place right now, there's still the possibility of turning it around or at least get some improvements in her behavior. I got to be realistic too of course because it isn't easy for someone with BPD to just turn things around. For this to happen, your daughter would need to fully acknowledge that there's something wrong with her and then fully commit to therapy so she can work on her issues. Do you feel like your daughter at any time, in any way has acknowledged her problems and the fact that she causes them herself (as a result of her emerging BPD)?

People can be very judgmental indeed and quite cruel honestly. My advice would be, as hard as it can be, to focus on the people that are really important in your life: your family including your daughter.

Many of our members have children with BPD and know from experience how hard this can be. I think it's great that you've come hear to learn more about BPD and that you have the desire to discover knew ways of connecting with your daughter If you want to read the stories of members in similar situations to yours, I suggest you take a look at the parenting board. You can also share more of your story there and ask our members for advice on specific issues. Take care and welcome to the family

[sadmumma]

Do you feel like your daughter at any time, in any way has acknowledged her problems and the fact that she causes them herself (as a result of her emerging BPD)?

She has acknowledged in the past that she a certain pattern and its unhealthy but she says she doesnt want any help, shes fine as she is... .she knows the amount of work and effort it would take to get help, and she'd rather spend her time with her drug friends and hang out... . 

[lever.]

Hello sadmumma 

Your post really is very sad and reflects how many of us parents feel when we look back on our children's early years. I hope you will join us on Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board There really are people there who will sincerely sympathize with you and understand what you are going through-and there is a lot of useful information. I do hope that you will join us on the board for parents-I will look out for you there.

[jellibeans]

sadmumma

I am sorry you are going through such a struggle with your dd.  I am gald you recognize that your dd has an illness and needs help. Can I ask you what you did after she stole money for you and your mom? Have you thought about reporting her to the police? I feel that there has to be consequences to her actions. If she is in jail she won't be doing drugs and it probablly a safer place for her. We won't judge you her sadmumma... .I have had police acrs in front of my home too many times to judge anyone. These years are tough ones and when things get bad we have to be prepared to make the tough decisions.

My dd is also 17... .I am hoping we have seen the worse and things will get better... .I have hope and I think that is very important. Hang in there

[Elbry]

Hi sadmumma,



I think many of us can relate to your grieving that little girl she used to be.  I have done that as well, sat and cried and remembered who she used to be.  I think one of the things that keeps me going is that I still believe that same little girl is still in there somewhere, I catch glimpses of her from time to time. 

And yes people can be SO judgmental and say all the wrong things.  They judge our children and they judge us.  I particularly hate the "she is just trying to get attention"  thing they say and dismiss everything she does.  Or why don't I just "make" her behave, go to school, follow the rules etc etc etc... .  You won't find judgment here, because people here understand.  And yes, people here can sincerely sympathize with you. 

Please keep us posted and share more of your story.   

[tristesse]

Hello Sadmumma

my heart is hurting for you and your DD. This is terribly sad.

I do relate to and understand what you are feeling. My story is similar but far more lengthy as my DD is almost 31, but I shared some of those early childhood experiences with her. We used to have a bedtime ritual where I would read her a book, then give her cuddles and finally a kiss good night with the words, Goodnight, I love you, sleep good sweet dreams. Then I would go to the door way and with my hand on the light switch, I would say " when I say BOOM BOOM, you say out go the lights" and that is what I would do, say BOOM BOOM, she would giggle and say, out go the lights, and I would turn off the light and leave the room.

Those days are gone, but those sweet memories will linger forever. I suggest that you hold onto your memories too. Your DD is sick, just like the rest of our children, young and old, and they all need us, but we need each other. We are here for you.

[wildchild]

So very sorry for you and your daughter.  Their self destructive lifestyles are so painful to watch.  My son is 22 and not to the extreme of your daughter but none the less the pain has been more than I can handle at times.  And good meaning people with their unsolicited advise. UGH!  I want to scream at them and say it isn't the same he is sick and he needs us to stand by him and not just abandon him.  Through this forum I am learning how to set the right kind of boundaries but those boundaries look differently I think than they do for kids without BPD.   My biggest suggest to you, which brought me out of a serious depression over my sons episodes these past few weeks, is go through the lessons on the right side of the screen. While they don't fix his problems they gave me strength to cope.   And with the right boundaries and coping skills I feel a little stronger today but God I miss him so much.  Every day I just want to hug his sweet neck and tell him his momma will always love him.

wildchild

[nzmum]

  I'm new to all this myself but your descriptions are all too familiar.  I just had my Mum here this morning - one of the 'well meaning' people in my life - instead of explaining last nights dramas to her I got her to read a full description of BPD from my latest read first then told the tale.  Boy did that change her tack completely!  Why I find this surprising is a mystery really when you consider I myself knew NOTHING about BPD until 4 weeks ago!  I am picking that my DD17 is BPD - wasn't sure 3 days ago as with her age they do not diagnose in my country - had another 2 psychologists assess her at the police station last night and both (no prompting) were stunned at the number of traits DD presents with   So I am figuring that 6 professionals mentioning the possibility of BPD being a diagnosis for the future are probably not far wrong. 

I am hopeful though - as you should be too.  I have read that if DBT is commenced early on in the piece the BP has far more chance of learning to develop healthier and more socially acceptable ways to LIVE their lives.