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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: help in the uk for fighting a custody battle?  (Read 363 times)
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« on: August 18, 2014, 04:44:13 PM »

Hello, I am posting this for my friend who I ran into recently after not seeing him for a long time.

He is really similar to me, and it seems his ex is an undiagnosed borderline.

When he split up with her, she lied endlessly about him and he ended up with barely any time to see his very young daughter.

Recently (she is 4 now) he made a mistake when rushing to take her back to her mother... he used a toilet at the same time as her. She must have said something to her mother, because she's know twisted things to the point that he has been considered pedophillic by social services and can only see his daughter one hour a week with paid supervision.

We all know an untreated borderline cannot bring up a child... and when I heard about the situation ... well can anyone give me any advice on how we can help him get at least join custody, because I am very afraid for that child!

Thankyou.
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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2014, 04:50:46 PM »

the mother of his child was badly abused by her mother. i guess I need more information.
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« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2014, 06:27:55 PM »

First, he needs to be careful what he says, he needs a solicitor to review what actually happened and then advise him what not to say, what to say and how to say it.  There are ways to state the facts without legally condemning oneself.  Saying "Yes but... ." probably isn't the way to go since the opposition will jump on the first word and ignore the subsequent explanation.  (My lawyer didn't want me to say anything without his preparation so I wouldn't sink myself.  He said his first priority was to sit on his clients so they wouldn't blab the wrong way and make their cases worse.)

As they say in the USA, you're allowed to keep silent or choose your words well, you can't be forced to incriminate yourself.

This is a real issue that he can work on: "he made a mistake when rushing to take her back to her mother".  He needs to stop and think.  It is better to be a little late than have something happen that could make things even worse than they already are.  He needs to look at the big picture and not always be in reactive mode.  Over time he needs to switch to proactive strategies and actions.

Does he have a solicitor?  Does he have a proactive strategy to demonstrate his is a reasonably normal parent and not an ogre as she claims?

In my case, my ex always claimed I was late to exchanges.  Yet I nearly always arrived within the 30 minute time window used in my county.  Of course, when I was early and arrived before her, she never said I was early.  That's the negative blamer personality, in her perception the rules applied only to me, not her.

Excerpt
The mother of his child was badly abused by her mother

This is a common situation.  Or at least it happened to me, though my child was a boy.  Within a few years after our son was born my ex chased away all my family and friends, then she focused on me.  Her mother (uBPD) and abuser stepfather (uNPD) really messed up my ex.  She actually claimed I was the worst sort of abuser and even a pervert.  Fortunately the hospital, children's agency, court and the other professionals didn't find it credible, but she still tried, over and over, each allegation slightly different than the failed one before.

I don't know what they call it in your country, but he needs a Custody Evaluation by a very experienced and perceptive expert who is not gullible and easily fooled, not just any name on a list.  Court and even the agencies will not dig into the parents' motivations, perceptions and behaviors.  A good CE should dig deeper, giving the parents psychological evaluations, multiple sessions with each parent, observe how the children relate with each parent, also how each parent behaves with the children.
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« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2014, 02:39:18 AM »

Thank-you for the advice. He has another child now with another woman, I am pretty sure his background is a lot better than hers.

He doesn't have a solicitor, he wouldn't be able to afford very much. I guess he will have to get free legal advice, and they will recommend a relevant solicitor.

I unfortunately do not anything about the law in my own country. No Idea what the British version to a custody evaluation is, I doubt the people giving free legal advice would have any knowledge knowing our luck. Maybe I should try posting in a legal forum or something.
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« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2014, 11:50:45 AM »

In the US some attorneys have a free or low cost initial consultation. 

Google Free family law consultation plus your friend's location. I got several hits for free consults in the UK. 

FindLaw UK: Legal Community www.community.findlaw.co.uk/  is a free legal advice forum

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« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2014, 06:07:13 PM »

A bit late to the party Purged,

Short of your friend getting a solicitor as there's no longer legal aid available... .Free consultations are available here in the UK , maybe testing a few local solicitors (lawyers) can provide a plan? also if you live near a University there are often free legal workshops available for purposes of training students but under supervision from qualified professionals.

I wish your friend all the best at such a trying time.

Regards,

Whichwayisup
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« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2014, 06:24:05 PM »

When it comes to custody in the UK its up to the judge to decide what is best for the child. At 4 years old she is considered too young to voice her own opinion. I believe the age is 10 for that.

Your friends problem is the accusation made by his ex. A judge will make up his mind on how fit each parent is. If there is anything to cast doubt on one parent then that will go against them.

Was your friend charged with anything or is it just social services have got involved?

The citizens advice bureau has lots of information and may be able to help. Another option is for your friend to contact social services and ask for the case to be reviewed.

Is there any medical evidence of her behaviour? Has she ever been to the doctors and treated for depression? Anything your friend can get hold of to put together a case will help. He needs to be careful though because my ex wife said she had been diagnosed with ME and bi-polar. She even had the anti-depressants but she had made it all up and got the drugs from a friend.

Also you may want to gather evidence of her behaviour from others. Work colleges, bosses etc to build up a picture of her instability.
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« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2014, 08:33:00 AM »

I also highly recommend getting a copy of Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy, a former therapist and current family law attorney. You can download a copy to your computer, at least here in the US.

Even though your friend isn't married, it will help describe how BPD and the courts mix, and what to expect. It describes the US family law system, but UK and US are similar enough, at least in terms of following the "adversarial" approach.

Often when a serious allegation is made, the court will err on the side of caution and give the accuser the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like your friend is in this position right now, but it doesn't mean that it will remain this way. Your friend needs to overcome any guilt he feels. There are plenty of families who share the same bathroom when kids are young. That doesn't make the parents pedophiles.

People with BPD experience feelings as facts. It sounds like she may be projecting her own trauma onto your friend and his daughter. But just because she "feels" that he's a pedophile doesn't mean that there is any evidence.

Talk to as many free legal aid solicitors as you can and begin to piece together what the next steps are.

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