Should I move out of my own house to protect myself from uBPDw legal threats?

[michel71]

Hello all. Divorce is imminent with my uBPDw. I believe that as our relationship has been breaking down she has taken recently to "planning her attack" which consists of hacking my phone, printing out some of my emails to others about our relationship and threatening to call the police when I wouldn't stop making my verbal point about her drinking. I feel like she is setting me up for something or may be trying to concoct a verbal abuse story against ME! Oh the irony of it all. We currently live in my house, which is my separate property. I am afraid that me being around will just trigger her and she will get MORE crazy. Should I take my dog and move out after I serve her with divorce papers?

She is becoming very controlling. Accusing me of talking to other women (heck no) on the internet and talking to my friends about her (heck yeah). She even tried to force me to write "retraction" emails to my friends about our relationship.

Please advise. I just want peace and sanity.

Thanks!

[Take2]

Hi Michel71... .well honestly I don't know how the law works, if you abandon your property, does that give her rights to it?

Assuming that it does NOT, then absolutely get out of there.  Yes, there is a very strong possibility she is attempting to set you up.  Under no circumstances should you write out any "retraction" emails.  Guard EVERY word you write or say.  SAVE every text or email communication from her.  I know, it's mind boggling that you need to do these things.  I haven't gone thru a divorce with my ex (never married him) - but I KNOW he sets me up at work on company instant messenger OFTEN.

I have to save EVERY communication from him - and he very often tries to get me to "admit what you did" on the company IM.  Uh, no.  Number one, I didn't do anything.  Number two, not going to let you set me up for your delusional scenarios.

Do yourself a favor and take your dog and go find a quiet place you can stay until it's all over.  It does NOT get better.  Removing yourself would be the best thing you can do... .  good luck... .

[livednlearned]

Hi michel71,

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. My ex was also a drinker, and that plus BPD could make for some awful nights.

Have you consulted with an attorney? Laws are different in every state, so it's good to know how things work specific to where you are. I'm not sure what you mean when you say that the two of you are living in your separate property? Do you own it outright and she is not on the title? How long have you been married?

When things got bad in my marriage, I went to talk to an attorney and started to prepare for different contingency plans. Put a plan together and find out what you can do after you file. It may be that you can have her move out, but it depends on the laws.

In some states, you can record your spouse without consent, so you might want to check into that too. Even if you aren't in a one-party state, it's a good idea to record. If your ex calls the police on you, it could come in handy to explain what really happened. It's just that in some states, courts won't let it be entered as evidence, and in other states, it's outright breaking the law (although things get very fuzzy in family court -- things that aren't allowed in other courts, seem to be allowed in family court).

Be very careful about what you email to her right now. That stuff tends to show up again and again and again. My ex keeps sending me emails I wrote 10 years ago when I was a classic appeaser doing and saying anything I could to get him to lift the cold freeze or whatever it was. He seems to like sending those emails to anyone with an email address, although I'm not sure why. He just came across like a giant @ssh0l3 in his responses ("you apologize like a whore, you deserved to be locked out of the house after what you said to me, I'm not an alcoholic, I can stop anytime I want, but I choose not to because you make me drink, etc."

Just because you want to avoid conflict doesn't mean it will work out that way, unfortunately. Even if you leave your house, she will probably develop all kinds of creative ways to make things unbelievably difficult for you. Removing her, even though it might be a harder pill to swallow, could end up actually making things much more peaceful and easy for you.

Also, record what your place looks like. My L encouraged me to do that, and to remove anything meaningful. Treasured things and important documents tend to get ruined during the initial stages of divorce.

Keep really good records, excellent documentation, keep a recorder on you, and talk to a lawyer. And make sure you have a therapist to help you through this. It's not for the faint of heart, a high-conflict divorce.

You'll get through it ok. I'm 4 years out and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every day I walk into my home and it's peaceful. No dread, no abuse, no egg shells.

You're worth it 

[Harlequin]

www.gbfamilylaw.com/premarital-and-post-marital-agreements/the-mentally-incompetent-party/

Have a read on this site above,  and your atterny read it  as well.  Read up on emotional abuse, and remember to keep sharing, you don't have to fight all alone.

  Documentation works, and keep your tone and language civil at all times. And you will have a chance to cross examine any evidence and stories at court.  And try to keep all inportant conversations on email.  Don't try prove she has BPD, rather just keep notes on the actions.    . Keep treasuresd belongings elsewhere, as she perhaps might lash out trying to hurt you, or diminish you paint you black etc. Unbiased Third party evidence and affidavits are the best in court.  Don't put her down,  just stick with truth, and share with the court that she not prepared to compromise reasonably.

Grab a councilor who knows about personality disorders for yourself,  and y friends family let them know that your leaving for your health and happiness and safety, and will like support through the process,   Don't worry about her eventual distortion campaign, truth will show,  if she denys BPD and drinking then she is totally responsible for her actions.  And keep posting here, we all have stories and can understand.

I know it sucks, but we all know that our BPD partners can act in and out, but remember you are not responsible for her actions,  and she not going to change unless she wants to...   There is no magic formula to make it easy,   but if your gut says there be a problem after serving papers, you most probably right, you know her best .  Have mutual friend or family come visit at the time, and perhaps organize mediation on the housing arrangements

[whirlpoollife]

What you are going through is the roughest part. I had filed for divorce while we were living together.  My first L was aware of the abuse but it took four months to have a hearing.  I should of had an emergency hearing sooner.   But  H got ordered to move out ,  which took another month. I pay the mortgage. I wasn't in the courtroom when the attorneys were in front of the judge, my self and h were in separate rooms, so I don't know what was said for that decision.  Maybe the documentation I had on the money I put in for the house, and that I was a mess from h. It was heck with h during those months.

I look back at both me staying or leaving the house. Emotionally , I had wish I had just left , bought a small house and start new with no memories of h. (I have two kids so moving forward with that plan was harder because there was no custody arrangements either. )   

I have also read that if the pwPD stays in the house it turns into a financial mess because they don't follow through with refinancing or selling , and they ruin the property. Divorce can take a long time. It is over two years since h received the divorce complaint, house is still in both our names.

Can't sell it or fix it but just as LnL said, I enjoy the peace. And sleeping with both eyes closed.

Being that the house is your separate property , it's a tough decision . Talk to a L , see if there can be an emergency hearing to see who stays in the marital home through the divorce process.

[scraps66]

It is possible to move out, however you would need to do some ground work first to avoid having your departure held against you.  I was booted from my house.  the one thing you ahve to be aware of - one of many, but primarily, you're giving a deragned individual a lot of leverage to allow the divorce to be drawn out.  Frankly, I don't know how to put controls on this part.  My divorce lasted over four years, 15 months of that I lived elsewhere and had to take my ex to a trial to merely get the deed to the hosue so I could refinance.  I ended up moving back into our house, but almost wish I hadn't due to the still continued awkwardness after my ex reighned supreme over the neighborhood with me gone.  If you have no ties to the house, you may be able to swiftly put it on the market and remove that variable. 

Also, if your BP is getting controlling, be aware that she can file a petition for exclusive possession of the house, and you're gone.  Depending on where you are and if you are documeting, you could try this yourself, have her booted from the house.     

[livednlearned]

you're giving a deragned individual a lot of leverage to allow the divorce to be drawn out.    

This is key. Your best friend is leverage. Everywhere you see it, grab onto it. Think 10 steps ahead, and make sure everything that goes into a legal document is very detailed. Have consequences for non-compliance. If you give the other party anything, make sure you have a way to enforce it. In high-conflict divorces, basically what happens is that you become the enforcer. You have to pay to enforce every tiny non-compliance. Make sure you have every important legal document you can find.

It's sad, but you have to think like this to protect yourself. Court is only going to help you so far. A lot of it is understanding how the system works so you can fill all the holes with your own understanding of BPD. We tend to respect authority, those of us who are not BPD. People with BPD have no regard no regard for court orders and seem to have no regard for consequences until they are severe.

The key is to make sure you have as much leverage as possible so you can extract yourself from enforcing every boundary or action with a trip to court.

[ugghh]

My list for divorcing a pwBPD

1) Get an experienced divorce attorney - interview several attorneys, get references, etc.  This is likely one of the most important decisions in your life for many years going forward.  Divorcing a BPD is rarely easy or uncomplicated, and is not the time for an inexperienced attorney to practice his or her craft.  I generally recommend sticking to attorneys who only do family law, not ones that dabble in it when their real estate work is slow.  You will want to question them about how they deal with "high conflict" (this is lawyer code for crazy) stbx.  You will also want to make sure they are not the type that says well I rarely go to court because we get things settled.  If you look at the legal board, I would venture that well over 50% of people divorcing BPD spouses either have to go to court or literally settle on the courthouse steps

2) Get a therapist for yourself if you do not have one - in this incredibly stressful time you need someone who can help you keep your sanity through the process.  Again this is not a marriage counselor, this is a therapist focused on helping you survive.

3) Get a digital voice recorder (or several) - this is for your protection from their baseless allegation that will inevitably follow.  The primary purpose is not to catch them doing something bad (although it can), it is to protect you from them making false statements to police. "She was yelling at me and threw a plate!"  Whenever you are around him you have a recorder going. Period, no excuses.

4) Do not take legal advice from your stbx - the papers you signed might as well be used to wrap fish for what they are worth.  See point 1 above.

5) Document, document, document - find a time when he is not there and go video tape every room in the house from top to bottom, feel free to narrate.  Act as if you are preparing for an earthquake that will wipe out everything.  Also in all likelihood, your stbx will be kind enough to provide you with a barrage emails and text messages.  Print them, highlight the BPD crazy stuff that comes out and keep them in file.


Hang in there, many have walked this same path and are happy to help and advise along the way.

In your case I would also a couple of other points.

6) Be prepared to have false restraining order file against you.  I would bet that 50% or more of us that have gone down this path have been on the receiving end of one.  Advice your attorney of this as well as having friends and family on notice should you need support.

7) Specifically speak to your attorney about the need for temporary orders, and being prepared to present a strong case to get the most advantageous orders you can at that hearing.  These are sometimes referred to as PDL or pedente lite hearings.    If you anticipate a long battle, these hearings are critical for establishing some guidelines early on in the case.  Often if you can get good temp orders, it is more likely the permanent orders will be similar.  For example  kids live with me while divorce goes, kids do well in school, judge is less likely to want to disturb that arrangement.  This is the time where you want to make the case for exclusive use of your house.

By the way, I did not see in your post - are there children involved?  Depending on your answer, we may be able to give you more targeted advice.

[ForeverDad]

Do I have it right that you've only been married for a year and a half and she moved from another country to marry & live with you?  If so, then this could get complicated.  She may find ways to make divorce longer than the mariage.  I think that in order to get her green card extended she might try to blame you somehow in order to get an extension.

Whatever else you do or don't do, don't sign for her to get her green card extended.  My point is, don't enable her.  If she has to return to her country, so be it.  She had her chance to be a functional spouse, she's an adult, her behaviors have consequences.  It's not you punishing her, it's her needing to face the consequences of her actions.  However, you can't explain that to her, she's not listening, the emotional baggage of the relationship won't let anything logical from you be received as intended.

If there are no children of this marriage, then don't risk her trying now to get pregnant.  In other words, with the marriage ending, avoid at all costs any risk of starting a 20 year obligation. Don't trust her with birth control, all she would have to say is, "Oops, I forgot... ."