daughter moved home with gd

[mggt]

My d moved home with us almost two weeks ago  We knew this was probably a bad idea but we did it for our gd who is now 2 1/2. We had certain rules in place the usual no swearing banging yelling and giving us money to hold for her so she could get a descent apartment in six months.  Well needless to say it all exploded less than one week later I won't go into all the crazy things that happened as I am sure you all can imagine. I will just say this she almost choked me to death she grabbed me around my neck and chest with both arms and I finally stopped fighting back and she stopped.  

I called the police they came she took off in the meantime (my gd was with her other grandparents). I said I did not want her arrested i just did not want her here. Well long story short i left for 3 days and went to my sisters house I am back here now with my d gd husband. My h said it was all my fault because she has a mental illness and i should keep my mouth shut.

What the heck I am so upset disgusted at my h and my d and I'm walking on eggshells staying in my room looking for a job because i am the daycare of my gd while my d works. Looking for my own apt because I am so upset at my h it is so crazy i am going to have to leave my own home because of this rotten disease

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

mggt  :'(

I am so very sorry this violence has been rained upon you. I have been in this same place with my DD28 last year. my dh called the police. We said "don't arrest her just tell her to stop, calm down, etc."  :)D was even talking back to the lady cop.  Looking back, especially after all the drama, domestic violence, drug use, etc. after that I wish we had let her be arrested and pressed charges against her. Maybe this would have prevented the spiral down for her the remainder of last year.

Mental illness does not excuse violent behavior. EVER! Your D can choose recovery and treatment. She can get this started in jail and/or probation. It is a messy way to go. DBT or other outpatient therapy gives more control of her choices. The only way your D will have an opportunity to change is to be held accountable for her violence EVERY TIME. Having a pity party about it doesn't help anyone, esp. your DD. That is jumping right onto that victim triangle.

Are you able to contact the police again and ask to press assault charges? They should be able to do this since they were called at the time of this attack. If you need a break from you family to do this, maybe that would be one course of action.

Would your dh be willing to do counseling with you? Who else do you have in your life that can offer you support and understanding? You need to be validated for all the emotions and distress you are experiencing. Are there any mental health family support groups in your area? Would he be willing to at least try attending with you?

Please do take care of yourself. Lean on those who can give you support.

qcr

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Dear mggt,  

You poor thing! I really feel for your situation and how hurt, angry and frustrated you feel! This is such a difficult situation for you. I see that you and your H wanted to do the right thing by helping your DD and GD, even though you instinctively knew it was probably not a good idea. Your heart is in the right place. AND I know you did the best you could in the moment, and you made the best decision you could at the time.  I'm so sorry the situation went South so quickly!  What's that old saying? "No good deed goes unpunished."

I think it's good you took a break at your sister's place for a few days. You needed it!  (I just did the same thing.   We ALL need a break sometimes.)  With that said, I would urge you NOT to make any permanent changes (like getting your own apartment) until you've had time to cool off and think this through.  I'm sure you know making decisions in the heat of anger are not our best decisions.

I know how hurt and angry you are by your husband's invalidation of your feelings and needs in this situation! It feels terrible to be blamed for our DD's BPD rages. I know when I'm angry and hurt, it is impossible for me to consider that I could have possibly had a different outcome. My DD17 has BPD, and my H has Aspergers, so he is emotionally clueless sometimes. I know they both do the best they can, but I still get furious when my H tells me, "You're not helping" right in front of our DD.  She takes that as ammunition to use against me, which makes things worse between us. Like you, I have retreated to my room many a time to stay out of her way until I cool off.

Are you or your DD in therapy? Would your H be open to a bit of couples counseling to support YOU through this difficult time?  It's true that BPD is a mental illness... .one of the worst.  So it only makes sense that those of us who love and care for someone with BPD need a lot of extra validation, coaching, and support from time to time.

I have been in your shoes many times! What can you do to nurture and care for yourself and go "lick your wounds" so you will be ready to continue on the very difficult journey of supporting your DD and GD? Maybe you need a bit more time at your sister's?  Can you get some one-on-one counseling to help you process through your hurt feelings?

There are no easy answers or quick fixes for the challenges we face dealing with our BPD loved ones. It's a long journey we're on.  The tools and validation DO work, but I've discovered I have to be in control of my own emotions to use the "tools" effectively with my DD.  It's certainly harder to validate someone who isn't listening to you and doesn't give a rat's a$$ about your feelings.  We need to feel heard and understood too! But that's what THIS site is for.  I certainly can't look to my emotionally challenged family to be validated, so I make sure I have a good support system outside my family.

Hang in there! Keep breathing and know you are not alone. When your anger and frustration passes, you will be able to see the situation from a clearer place and make decisions about your future then. In the meantime, know that you are not alone!

[mggt]

Dear qcr and healsprt,

Thank you both for your kind words and support. My d goes to therapy once in a while to get some meds xanax and adderol which I believe does not help.

Years ago we all went to therapy and it was just a screaming match whatever therapists said my d would just yell and scream and blame me for everything, I would leave there feeling like a just went threw a war.

My h thinks I alone should go to therapy to deal my anger according to him I have the problem this has been the census with him for years all i wanted was to him to have my back and not to blame me in front of d that is parenting 101 never take side in front of children.

With BPD that is what they try and do and she has accomplished this and sad thing she is happy about it. She swears in front of our gd yells at her and the my gd personality is changing very moody has been having fits for no reason yells alot especially for a little toddler.

I know this is due to my d terrible attitude it is rubbing off on my poor gd.  All i want is to protect my gd from her moms anger moodiness swearing complaining. Thank you ladies for listening it means alot

[chooselove]

My shouders dropped when I read that you didn't have her arrested.  But it's always easier to see that from the outside.  I didn't have mine arrested either when she attacked me because it would have caused her to lose her job.  Seems we are always putting them first and the more we do the worse we are treated.  I sure understand you wanting your own apartment as I would be feeling the same way.  Love the peace I imagine with you having a job, a place of your own and still be able to care for the granddaughter.  But it would be tricky getting there because I can see the possibility of them holding the gd hostage to try and stop you from leaving.  I support the plan of your H and you getting some counseling first, to see if your relationship can be restored.  I'm thinking he scolded you (hopefully, in private) because he was afraid and looking for a way to keep it from happening again. I would have loved to hear that he also jumped down her throat with a "YOU NEVER THREATEN MY WIFE AGAIN, OR ELSE!" type of statement with a much stronger tone than what he gave you.  She has to fear some consequences or she simply won't stop herself.  And right now she has been emboldened it seems.

There have been times when I told my H to shut up in front of our D in the heat of a rage because he would say all the wrong things and just keep triggering her. He is her stepdad, though, and I felt it gave me more of a right to say that at the time.  He would always later apologize for losing his cool around her.  And honestly, he was reacting the same way most normal people would in the face of a person raging out of control against his wife. He learned to get desensitized and detached from her rages and went from jumping into the fire with her to just continuing on with whatever he was doing at the time... .watching TV or reading a book, etc. while she raged around him.  It was almost a comical were it not so tragic.

Know that we are here empathizing with you and the aloneness you are experiencing. And there is a small part of me that is curious what was said that precipitated the choking incident.  I do believe that my D would have done something that extreme, too, if I were to lose my cool and trigger her deeply. Nothing justifies their physical violence but we do need to be aware and skilled and know what we are dealing with so that we can avoid those life threatening scenarios if we have agreed to have them in our homes.  Even during the best of times while D was living with us, we were walking on eggshells. It changes a person and you lose the ability to be your natural self so nothing is ever truly real or spontaneously happy. I felt like I was on stage all the time.

[mggt]

Dear choose,

That is all I ever wanted for my husband to say to our d DO NOT TREAT YOUR MOM THAT WAY but he never has.

I tried to copy your quote but not sure how to do that. It is as if I am living in the twilight zone sometimes its hard to understand BPD but for your husband to continue to belittle you in front of BPDd is just insane.

So right now I continue to live in my bedroom come out to play with my gd and when my d gets home. I have an appt for a haircut and then spending time with my sister god help us all.