Im drowning

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I cant deal with this anymore. My traumas that all got brought up. Everything in my past/present seems like a lie and im questioning it all constantly. My world is dissolving slowly... i feel so lost. The void continues to grow. I have no sense of direction. I cant find a job, cant quite get on disability for my NPD/PTSD,stuck at my parents house that provides my needs but destroys me emotionally, and all the while this fallout from us is just the anchor causing me to slowly sink. I cant get into a T because my parents are still trying to find one covered by there insurance and im broke from her. My lungs feel so empty anymore. Its painful to breathe. I have no friends anymore that are around as i feel most of them have moved on without me after the isolation caused by the relationship with that curse of a woman. Thats what she is a curse... on my heart and soul. She haunts my dreams. My memories. My mind  is lapsing from it all. No matter how much i hurt i cant stop loving her and caring. I know right now shes feeling this too though. Were breaking down but not together. Its miserable because we could be here for each other. And holding her would help just feeling her there next to me even... Im breaking down and the great divide seems to be swallowing me whole. Im at the point of blowing up her phone and making a fool of myself because i dont care anymore about being strong. I cant hurt anymore then i do now. Ive lost it all and im a man with nothing more to lose...

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I cant deal with this anymore. My traumas that all got brought up. Everything in my past/present seems like a lie and im questioning it all constantly. My world is dissolving slowly... i feel so lost. The void continues to grow. I have no sense of direction. I cant find a job, cant quite get on disability for my NPD/PTSD,stuck at my parents house that provides my needs but destroys me emotionally, and all the while this fallout from us is just the anchor causing me to slowly sink. I cant get into a T because my parents are still trying to find one covered by there insurance and im broke from her. My lungs feel so empty anymore. Its painful to breathe. I have no friends anymore that are around as i feel most of them have moved on without me after the isolation caused by the relationship with that curse of a woman. Thats what she is a curse... on my heart and soul. She haunts my dreams. My memories. My mind  is lapsing from it all. No matter how much i hurt i cant stop loving her and caring. I know right now shes feeling this too though. Were breaking down but not together. Its miserable because we could be here for each other. And holding her would help just feeling her there next to me even... Im breaking down and the great divide seems to be swallowing me whole. Im at the point of blowing up her phone and making a fool of myself because i dont care anymore about being strong. I cant hurt anymore then i do now. Ive lost it all and im a man with nothing more to lose...

[Narellan]

So sorry to hear you are feeling so bad chasing-ghosts... .How long have you been separated? I understand the pain behind your words. It is truly the most devastating experience to try to recover from the pain of loving someone with BPD. The only words I can think to offer you are ... .It will get better. I doubted those words when I was in the hell hole you are in, but 7 months on and NC has helped. The pain dulls, the memories fade. For now though, feel the grief and go through the pain. For each of us that process can take any amount of time, but one day you will feel better. And you'll start smiling. And she will only cross your mind instead of being constantly in it. For me walking helped. Just getting outside and feeling the sun on your face made me appreciate being alive. And personally for me I healed from being here on this forum talking things through and making new friends who were experiencing similar pain.

I'm not saying I've recovered, I'm not sure I ever will. I have developed huge trust issues from my experience that will take a lot of time to work through. But lately I've felt happiness again and I started a new job and took a vacation on my own. I still cry and feel the loss but I'm accepting that it's gone now.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are grieving the loss and it feels like a death. I walked around dead for many months. Be kind to yourself. You are exactly where you need to be at this moment. It doesn't feel like it but you will look back and see it.

Big hugs to you  

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thank you for your kind words Narellan. Its been a a little over a month since our recycle. I got through the thicket of the first break-up and was finally dealing better but this time is harder as she left me alone when i went NC for two months. Now she seems to text me at least weekly. For her "needs" i suppose and i have to guess to make sure im a backup as idk if she even has a base supply atm with how low she acting. All her talk of shooting up again has cut me deep like a knife. Im worried and i care. But i know it doesnt matter as all i am to her anymore is a filler for a void that will never be satiated.

[JohnLove]

Hi Chasing_Ghosts, a relationship with a pwBPD will make you do that. I am not at all surprised by your statements. You are probably well aware that a breakdown after a recycle is worse.

Your post was difficult to read. I felt I had to respond.

BPD tends to have terrible implications for a non and even worse if you have your own issues... .which, let's be honest... .we all do... .and if they are triggered by the illness that is BPD... .

I know it is not easy to recover but I feel you have enough self awareness and awareness of the situation to do just that... .make no mistake it will take time though. I agree with Narellan, how and what you are feeling is completely normal... .and a part of the recovery process.

I relate to what you are saying about your seeming inability to breathe. When I separated from my exBPD partner (20 years/3 children) I felt like I had a sumo wrestler sitting on my chest. I am not joking. I could breathe out but it felt very hard to breathe in... .I can't remember when he got off exactly but I do recall the enormous sense of relief... .like a weight had been lifted off my chest. This was a turning point. I anticipate the same for you.

Don't give up. Know that things will get better.

My prescription for you:

Take it easy on yourself.

Keep life simple. Do simple things as Narellan has suggested.

Get as much rest as you can. This is important.

Try not to analyse the rs breakdown too much too often.

Find or reconnect with friends.

Try to eat healthy if you currently do not.

Pretend you're OK... .put on a brave face.

Maintain boundaries with the exBPD if she tries to pull you down.

Smile.

This is not a doctors advice but it's the best I can do.  

From someone that once lost EVERYTHING.

Here's to you. My friend.  

[Narellan]

Well said JohnLove...

After each recycle the pain is worse... .So CG saying you feel you have nothing to lose by contacting her and the pain can't be worse... .It can. And it will be. I recycled 4 times. Lost my mind and my self esteem. Was dumbstruck I could have fallen for it each time.

And yet still now I have to fight not to respond. Each phone call I ignore, each visit to my door and every attempt he makes at trying to reconnect takes all my will to ignore. But I do. I have to. I know with certainty he will destroy me if I give him any chance. BPD's trying to reconnect is one of their main traits. They are testing to see if there is still attachment there from your end. And maybe they miss you at that moment, but it's fleeting. My ex still regularly tries something to get a reaction. Every couple of weeks. Even now months later. But his initial couple of months ST gave me time to realise I could not respond no matter how bad I was feeling and all those conversations in my head I wanted to say to him just need to be left unsaid.

Make no mistake. Breaking NC will harm you.

I love the "prescription" above. It's difficult to really stay in the moment and go through the pain but it's so important to work through it rather than avoid or replace it.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thank you JohnLove and Narellan. It is good to hear such encouraging words in this dark time. I find it a little less bleak when i have others who can at least relate. Like i will one day break on through to the other side. It is true though i need to focus on my healing. Its just hard when i long for re connection even though i know the hurt that will inevitably come with it. I guess the hardest part is breaking the bond we share. She was my first so to me thats something i hold in high regards as something special almost... dare i say sacred in my mind. A soul tie if you will. I can still feel her at times.

But I think it all stems back to the choice. Because when i was molested as a child i had no choice. But i chose her and yet she still hurt me just as much as my grandfather did. Abused me all the same. And thats what makes it hurt more i guess. The betrayal of someone who went through the same trauma who bled the same blood. Someone i trusted more than anyone in the whole world because i truly felt like she knew me and i her. And she walked away leaving me for dead. The fantasy broke and with it all my hopes and dreams of love i feel. My last bit of innocence i suppose. And i see that now as something i seriously need to work through in therapy. I really hope i can see a T soon...

[Narellan]

CG    :'( you are recognising the FOO traumas and how they are affecting you. And I am really glad you are here talking things through. You have a good grasp on why you have been so damaged by this relationship. I am so sorry to hear of the traumatic things that have happened to you. Some people we meet who have shared experiences like this can really feel like our soul mates, and it's extremely damaging to discover they're not. You have survived and overcome lots of trauma in your life and you will overcome this too. 

[forget-me-not]

CG, I'm sorry you are in such pain.

Although I cannot improve on what everyone has already said, I'd like to encourage you to reconnect with old friends.

I too had the dread that they moved on and forgot me , but I reached out to mine, one by one and told them I was in a relationship that had my priorities confused, that I was sorry I lost them , missed them and would like to re-connect. The risk of rejection was big, but the idea of being alone was much worse.

Not a single one turned me down.

Even if one person you consider a friend will be receptive to you, i firmly believe it will be eye-opening to have a conversation with a person who is not BPD. 

It was a big shock/ night and day revelation for me.

I hope you will make some plans soon and focus on surrounding yourself with people who make you happy.

[Trog]

So sorry to hear you are feeling so bad chasing-ghosts... .How long have you been separated? I understand the pain behind your words. It is truly the most devastating experience to try to recover from the pain of loving someone with BPD. The only words I can think to offer you are ... .It will get better. I doubted those words when I was in the hell hole you are in, but 7 months on and NC has helped. The pain dulls, the memories fade. For now though, feel the grief and go through the pain. For each of us that process can take any amount of time, but one day you will feel better. And you'll start smiling. And she will only cross your mind instead of being constantly in it. For me walking helped. Just getting outside and feeling the sun on your face made me appreciate being alive. And personally for me I healed from being here on this forum talking things through and making new friends who were experiencing similar pain.

I'm not saying I've recovered, I'm not sure I ever will. I have developed huge trust issues from my experience that will take a lot of time to work through. But lately I've felt happiness again and I started a new job and took a vacation on my own. I still cry and feel the loss but I'm accepting that it's gone now.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are grieving the loss and it feels like a death. I walked around dead for many months. Be kind to yourself. You are exactly where you need to be at this moment. It doesn't feel like it but you will look back and see it.

Big hugs to you  

What a beautiful and kind thing to post.