just trying to figure this out

[halfquarter]

Hi,

I believe, as a mother, and after extensive research on my own, and after years of trying to help my now 18 year old son, that he has BPD.  Tonight was another serious outburst, and I need to know how to help him.  He has ALL of the symptoms/criteria for this diagnosis.  He has seen 47 doctors, including psychiatrists and psychologists.  No help for  him.  No diagnosis but possible ADD, is what they said.  My heart has been broken so many times, but now it does not matter.  I want to understand this and help him.  I don't think he can help it.  Have you heard of Cognitive Analytic Therapy? 

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, halfquarter & 

I'm sorry for the troubles you are having with your son, and for the troubles he is having himself... .It is awful when we see our child suffer and self-destruct right before our very eyes, and then feel like we can't do anything to help him. Believe me, I've been there: my own adult (37) son was diagnosed with BPD early in 2013, and practically his whole life (prior to his diagnosis and subsequent treatment) was full of problems and sadness for him. The good news is that once a diagnosis is made and Therapy or treatments are undergone, things can really get better!

I've heard of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and here's a link that would have more information: BPD: Treatments, Cures There's information about other Therapies as well, but this is CBT in a nutshell:

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), founded by Albert Ellis, Ph.D. is a combination of two therapy techniques: cognitive and behavioral. Cognitive therapy refers to an approach that focuses on a person's cognitions: their thoughts, assumptions, and beliefs. With this therapy approach a person learns to recognize and change faulty or maladaptive thought patterns. The focus is on restructuring the dysfunctional cognitions through a process of identifying, challenging, and reshaping them. Behavioral therapy focuses on changing a person's unhealthy and problematic behaviors, actions, and responses. The focus is not on "why" something happens, but changing the process to prevent, alter, or replace it with a healthier more effective behavior. Dialectical-behavioral therapy (DBT), and Schema-focused Therapy (SFT) are specialized types of CBT.

I know how frustrating it is for you to want to help him, trying to find professionals who can diagnose and treat him. I worked on this for more than 16 years with my own son (way back in the day, before ADD was even a real diagnosis!), so please don't give up on him, halfquarter. A good place to start is by clicking on every link you see on the right-hand side of this page; the TOOLS and THE LESSONS are invaluable in that there are things you can do right now to help you son and your relationship with him. Once we learn how to communicate with our BPD loved one in a way that stops pushing every one of his buttons, it really does make things better.

Have you read any books about BPD at this point? The members of the Parenting Board have found these 3 books to be very helpful:

"The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger

"Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr

"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning

Please continue to post here, read the information, and ask whatever questions you have... .We all understand your broken heart and determined soul; we are here to help you understand BPD and your son, and to help you figure out how to help him 

[qcarolr]

Halfquarter,   

It is so very frustrating when all the professionals cannot come up with effective answers. They are most likely frustrated too when you ds doesn't respond to any treatment offered. This is so common! They need to come here and learn the tools that work!

Even without an official dx, you can start using the tools listed on the sidebar>>

They make a difference both in our understanding of what may be underlying your ds behaviors, and how we can be more effective in our communication strategies. Even applied imperfectly and not always consistently, my relationship with my DD28 is so much healthier in the past year. She is still a mess in many ways -- I see hope in her making a stronger commitment to treatment. She has been so resistant her whole life to a basket of dx's. ADHD, bipolar, panic/anxiety disorder, depression --- starting at age 4 when in preschool.

It is a lot of information. The tools are listed in a logical order for things to start getting better as you learn.

Are you taking good care of your own needs? Connecting with some others that understand you home life? Do you have a T for yourself? What little windows of time can you take for yourself each day?

Keep us posted how things are going.

qcr