Had a lucky escape but not feeling it

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Hi guys.

I'm now 19 months out of a 12 year relationship with a undBPD ex fiancee, whom we have an 8 year old son.

I must confess to be still coming to terms that this person who I initially thought was special, showed her true colours when she betrayed, lied, belittled, humiliated me, and treated me with little respect, is getting married to her new victim next month. 

I should be as happier than Pharrell Williams knowing that I have dodged a storm of bullets, and I've escaped from her and her toxic family. However, I can't help but feel injustice by the way she has moved on, showing no remorse to what she did, and having moved on so quickly. It's like our 12 years counted for nothing. Also she does not care about the effects this has caused our son, he tells me he is not happy. The bonus is that he wants to spend every available moment he can with me.

To be honest, I have not progress as much as I would like. I may have lost 50 pounds in weight and physically look better than I have for years, but mentally my self esteem and confidence has been shot to bits. I also feel lonely, when I don't have my son around and missing some love and affection.

Mind you, in the last couple of years of our relationship I felt so lonely as well, when I was not walking on eggshells trying to to keep her satisfied at the expense of my happiness. It just does not feel fair!

Sorry if this comes across that I am feeling sorry for myself but I need to train my brain that I am so lucky for my escape. Just not feeling it yet!

[Deeno02]

Welcome. While mine was only 16 months, the damage is done. Mine moved on the day after she dumped me. Its been a total of 4 weeks now and I have intermittent periods of clarity and What the heck momments. Not going to bore you with the details, but this forum has been a big help thus far. Even when its the middle of the night and I have these terrifying moments, i pick up the Galaxy and type away. Someone will answer, they always do. Lots of good folks on here and they do help.

[enlighten me]

I can fully sympathise. I was with my ex wife for 14 years. She dumped me twice and then divorced me and then moved in with my replacement 115 miles away taking my two sons with her.

The loneliness is a killer and probably why I ended up getting with my uBPDexgf. I am now alone again and actually enjoying it. I spend as much time with my boys as I can and they love being with me. We have a better relationship now than ever before.

I do miss affection. Don't actually miss sex though so maybe a little too scarred on that front. That said though I have a lot more positives in my life than the negatives that both my uBPD relationships brought. It does get easier and the cliché time heals all wounds is true.

[justmenmycoffee]

I too struggle with not feeling so lucky... I mean im miserable and she is happy... .Right! Wrong its all a facade... For me i just try to remember she is damaged and though she did not rage outwardly i escaped an emotional rollercoaster ride of depression bulimia and lack of sex  sometimes i slip back into a funk about but i take it day by day and i dont fight the feelings

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Thanks for your replies. It's appreciated.

I'm not sure that she is truly happy though. When I drop off my son back to her, I look at her and just don't see the woman I first met. She had lost that deep, warm, welcoming look in her eyes and has become this monster who you want to run from.

I guess it's not my problem anymore, I just miss the old her... .

Sadly it was not the real her!

That also makes me sad... .