My Problem with No Contact

[Loveofhislife]

Disclaimer--I'm pretty sure I'm a codependent and know I tend to cling: to the past, to relationships--Ive even been accused of being a bit of a hoarder (things carry memories and sentimental value). With the exception of only one relationship in my life, I have been unable to go NO CONTACT. ExbfBPD is definitely a prime candidate for NO CONTACT #2.

I truly value human relationships and see the redeeming factors in everyone--EXCEPT for the one man I worked for who was clearly a malignant narcissist. I left; went no contact; and never looked back.

I've lost both parents and both former in laws and a very close aunt and uncle in less than a decade. Life is fragile, and I hate the thought of writing people off.

However, there is no doubt exbfBPD and I are toxic, and he suffers from a serious disorder that I believed I could help him with. Not to overdramatize, but did you ever read or see "Prince of Tides"? I loved him more than anything--despite every red flag in the book.

I am known to champion lost causes and fight windmills; I take in strays and cheer for the underdog. But this time it very nearly killed me: LITERALLY. I know that NC is the only way for me to get well, but what about him? And then, there's his criminal record--the world soon will come crashing down for him AGAIN, and I won't and can't be there.

And I saw him make this choice, no matter how disordered he is; he told me he was going "dark"--that once again for self survival, he would become Dark Man. His nickname for me was "Sunny." He chose darkness over light. He chose the familiar. I can't save him; I never could.

Time to let go. And let God. But this is very hard.

[peiper]

Disclaimer--I'm pretty sure I'm a codependent and know I tend to cling: to the past, to relationships--Ive even been accused of being a bit of a hoarder (things carry memories and sentimental value). With the exception of only one relationship in my life, I have been unable to go NO CONTACT. ExbfBPD is definitely a prime candidate for NO CONTACT #2.

I truly value human relationships and see the redeeming factors in everyone--EXCEPT for the one man I worked for who was clearly a malignant narcissist. I left; went no contact; and never looked back.

I've lost both parents and both former in laws and a very close aunt and uncle in less than a decade. Life is fragile, and I hate the thought of writing people off.

However, there is no doubt exbfBPD and I are toxic, and he suffers from a serious disorder that I believed I could help him with. Not to overdramatize, but did you ever read or see "Prince of Tides"? I loved him more than anything--despite every red flag in the book.

I am known to champion lost causes and fight windmills; I take in strays and cheer for the underdog. But this time it very nearly killed me: LITERALLY. I know that NC is the only way for me to get well, but what about him? And then, there's his criminal record--the world soon will come crashing down for him AGAIN, and I won't and can't be there.

And I saw him make this choice, no matter how disordered he is; he told me he was going "dark"--that once again for self survival, he would become Dark Man. His nickname for me was "Sunny." He chose darkness over light. He chose the familiar. I can't save him; I never could.

Time to let go. And let God. But this is very hard.

Just about everything you wrote there could have come from my hand. Including Time to let go and let God. Thanks

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it is very hard Love, and part of believing in god is that he won't give us anything we can't handle.  Not only that, but there's a reason for it, something we need to learn or grow into?  One thing that helped me the most was to consciously shift my focus from the past to the future, by visualizing a compelling future so strongly that it pulls me towards it.  What does that future look like for you?

You mention that you believed you could help him with his disorder, past tense; have you entirely let go of that belief?  The radical acceptance spoken about around here is nothing more than accepting the disorder is what it is, won't change, and there comes a time to save ourselves; are you there?  Borderline's get very good at surviving, they always have, one way or the other, and you do definitively say its time to let go.

I'm sentimental too, the past takes on great meaning for me, the good times get brighter and more colorful in my head, the bad times fade.  And thinking back now, again, there weren't very many great times with her, mostly bad if I'm honest, and the fading is going nicely.  How's the balance for you?

[myself]

I hate the thought of writing people off.

Making sure we don't write ourselves off is even more important.