Jealousy and my uBPD Mom

[jmanvo2015]

Hey everyone.

I haven't posted here for a while because things have been calm. Everyone is warning me it won't last, and I know that's true. 

Last night, I said something without thinking to my mother.  Now that I understand more about uBPD, I am also becoming more aware of her patterns of behavior so that I can be prepared for her rages.

We were sitting together and I told her that I have been asked to teach a night class as an adjunct professor.  I didn't think about what I was saying.  There was a discernible hesitation on her part, but then she congratulated me.

However, I could hear it: the jealousy.  I'm only now becoming aware of it.  It's always been there, but I finally have the tools to put a name to what it is.

My mother wanted to be a teacher, but things didn't work out for her.  Being uBPD, she didn't have the tools to manage the politics and personalities and she was fired.  (Unfortunately, I inherited a lot of her dysfunctional coping mechanisms and have also had problems on jobs that I'm working hard on improving my people skills and not "turning" on people.)

Since last night, her demeanor has already changed.  The tone of her voice this morning was irritable and demeaning.  And so, the lightbulb shone... .

My mother is going to start to be resentful of me for having a good opportunity because she is "allowing" me to stay with her, lending me money and working in a job she hates.  So, my happiness or success will be a direct affront to her.  It's sort of like, "how dare she be happy or have that opportunity when I'm slaving away for her... ."

I also realize that because it's a teaching job it hits a real sore spot for her. 

Anyway, I feel the storm approaching and I've already agreed on a strategy with my T.  The next time she starts to rage, I'll validate her and then book it out the door as quick as possible.  Her patterns is to calm down within a few hours.  Then it's 4-5 days of the silent treatment and then she returns to behavior that is manageable, sometimes even nice and generous.

But, the deeper issue: how do you deal with jealousy from your mother?  Do others have this?  It's such an awful thing to know the person who should be happy for you sees you as a threat.  I hate it.  I want to understand it better. Unfortunately, for me, the outcome of having a mother like this is that I seem to also find myself often in work situations with women who are jealous, competitive, deceptive and manipulative.

I'd like to get better at dealing both with my mother and with women like this in general.

Next time, I'll know not to flaunt my successes.  Perhaps that's the answer at work too?

Anyway, thank you for listening.

[CrystalP]

My sister is the jealous one who is unable to feel any joy for others... .or empathy for that matter ... So I comp understand your pain and frustration.    It also makes life confusing, doesn't it?   

So, my tactic has been to celebrate their successes... .works at work, too... .in a visible way.  That dissipates their jealousy somehow

Hope this helped.   

[clljhns]

Hi jmanvo2015,

Yes. I have always experienced jealousy with my mother and two sisters. My mother once told me that she never wanted children. She knew what it would do to her looks and figure. She screamed at me, "Now look at me!" I felt sorry for her at the time, but then I realized that she had just told me that she didn't want me, or any of us kids. When I divorced, I bought a home on my own and was managing my life just fine. She was extremely jealous of me during this time and she became almost unbearable to be around. She even went so far as to tell me get rid of my daughter.

I don't know what help I can offer in this situation. I wasn't doing anything that was blatant or boastful. I was just living my life. I couldn't have avoided the fact that I was self-sufficient and she wasn't. She wanted to be independent from my dad, but didn't have the courage to do it.

In your situation where you are living with your mom, just for your own sanity, it probably would be best to avoid any topic that might set her off. Do you have someone that you can share your successes with? This would be helpful for your well-being.

Wishing you all the best.

[Harri]

Hi jman, it is good to see you again, though I am sorry you had to come back.

This is tough because as clljhns said, you did nothing overtly boastful or even just garden variety boastful.  As you said, your mother will take offense so it is great you have worked out a strategy to handle things when she blows.  I think CrystalP has a good suggestion about celebrating your mothers success and even those of people at work.  That will help defuse the situation. 

One thing I do know that helps me to not feel so hurt when this kind of thing happens is to realize the other person is not reacting to me but to their own issues.  It still hurts and it hurts to know they can't really see you, but for me, it makes it less personal.

Again, it is good to see you here.  I am glad things have been relatively calm and that you have a good position that will allow you to get out of the house and maybe work towards financial independence.  So a hearty congratulations to you!   I am very happy for you.   

[Louise7777]

Hi jmanvo!

I have an uBPD relative who is very jealous and envious. Her behaviour towards me is similar to your mom´s. On the other hand, she seems to be happy with others achievements. I think thats a mask, though. She uses compliments as manipulation. And funny thing, she boasts about my achievements to other people! And we are NC/ VLC!

I dont know how to deal with your mom, but I will give you another perspective: her feelings are her problem and not yours. If she feels jealous, you have nothing to do with that. This kind of thinking helped me a lot. I know shes your mom, so your r/s is different than mine, but you can try distancing yourself from her behaviour and seeing it in perspective.

I hope I helped somehow.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Jmanvo,

Good to hear from you again and thank you for letting us know how you are. 

I don't know if this thought would be helpful to you or not, but it was something my T told me early on in my sessions with him. He said to me, "You are not responsible for others actions or reactions."  I was absolutely shocked, and debated with him a fair amount about his statement for I could not believe that it could possibly be true. I went from that session clinging to the hope that what he said was actually true, and with time I've come to understand his statement and have allowed it to become a part of my life. I still need to remind myself of it, but hope was instilled within me that session, a hint of freedom that has become huge for me. I thought when someone was upset with me for something I said or did or didn't do that it was always my fault. Now I realize it is that other person's choice as to how they respond. It is not my fault.

I remember clearly having to take some deep breaths and mentally repeat to myself "I am not responsible for how he is reacting, it is not my fault" over and over. Neither are you responsible for your mom's jealousy or how she chooses to respond to you. I like the thoughts shared about validating her when you can. I began doing that with my uBPDm a few years before she died, and it seemed to take all the wind out of her sails and shortened her rage times or near suicide depression times. Validation worked well. I felt empowered for choosing to act instead of reacting those few times. Of course there were times it backfired (a story for another day!), but over all it went better than in the past.

Wools   

[jmanvo2015]

You are all wonderful to give me advice and to take the time to comment.  This is such a wonderful community and I haven't left even if I'm not always as visible.

After I wrote this something bad happened.  My mother came in to tell me the aneurism in her neck is worse and she might need surgery.  So, now I'm scared of losing her. 

Then, I made a decision to resign from a board I was on where three times now the executive director has taken my ideas and presented them as her own, and has done other underhanded things. 

So, not such a good day today and I cried for an hour in the car (had PMS too so very hormonal).

Oy, Turkish shared in another post an article about how children that suffered emotional abuse continue to suffer their whole lives.  Today, I'm really feeling this.

But, still, appreciative for those of you that understand.