Cut off point?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi BPD family,

I really could use some advice and support.  I am having a really tough day.  Since my uBPDbf left a month ago, we have had very little contact. I have not talked to him on the phone for over two weeks.  The only communication we have is through texting.  It has been a pattern of a couple of texts every few days to NC.  The last time we spoke (6 days ago) I told him how I felt about the lack of communication, especially communicating solely through texting and the ST.

He claims that he cannot talk to me because, he misses me and starts to break down and get upset since he is not here.  Also, he says that he does not want to talk to me on the phone, because he does not want me to hear him upset and think I am the cause of it, because he is the problem.  Our last texting conversation ended with him apologizing and saying he needs to calm down. Most of our conversations, end in that way.  He still has not seen a T and will not see one until November 5.  I have been understanding.  I have been validating his feelings and needs by giving him space. 

I feel that if I call/text him, I will be reinforcing his behavior, especially since he knows how I feel about the ST and him pushing me away. It has been really hard for me to maintain 6 days of NC. I just do not know how long I should keep doing this.  At this point, it is apparent that I cannot even tell him my feelings.  I feel that I need to make a cut off point, because the indeterminate amount of time is slowly breaking me.  Should I make my cut off point after he sees his T?  I am just really struggling.  I would appreciate any advice or support.  Thank you

[EaglesJuju]

Hi BPD family,

I really could use some advice and support.  I am having a really tough day.  Since my uBPDbf left a month ago, we have had very little contact. I have not talked to him on the phone for over two weeks.  The only communication we have is through texting.  It has been a pattern of a couple of texts every few days to NC.  The last time we spoke (6 days ago) I told him how I felt about the lack of communication, especially communicating solely through texting and the ST.

He claims that he cannot talk to me because, he misses me and starts to break down and get upset since he is not here.  Also, he says that he does not want to talk to me on the phone, because he does not want me to hear him upset and think I am the cause of it, because he is the problem.  Our last texting conversation ended with him apologizing and saying he needs to calm down. Most of our conversations, end in that way.  He still has not seen a T and will not see one until November 5.  I have been understanding.  I have been validating his feelings and needs by giving him space. 

I feel that if I call/text him, I will be reinforcing his behavior, especially since he knows how I feel about the ST and him pushing me away. It has been really hard for me to maintain 6 days of NC. I just do not know how long I should keep doing this.  At this point, it is apparent that I cannot even tell him my feelings.  I feel that I need to make a cut off point, because the indeterminate amount of time is slowly breaking me.  Should I make my cut off point after he sees his T?  I am just really struggling.  I would appreciate any advice or support.  Thank you

[patientandclear]

I would just say that several people who've come and gone from BPDF in the time I've been here have experienced much longer withdrawals (I wouldn't call it ST as he is explaining to you that he's having a hard time coping) and had their person with BPD return to the r/s.  Sometimes it takes them a REALLY long time to re-regulate.  There is a lot of fear.

I think while it makes sense to think about how we may reinforce behavior like raging or cheating by accepting it, that's different when it comes to fear-based withdrawals.  If you withdraw all contact that may just amplify the fear of loss, if that is what's driving his withdrawal.  Steady, limited, warm, uncritical "pings" seem to work best in these instances.  "I can't take this anymore" type communication is not helpful.  It just confirms the suspicion that ultimately they will drive you away.

At the same time ... .at some point each of us probably does reach the "I can't take this anymore" point.  When you're there, you're there -- I'm not suggesting the way this r/s works is something that does or should work for you.  It sounds hard.  I ultimately decided that the way my r/s with my pwBPD works, doesn't work for me.  So not at all urging you to stick it out.

So a cut off date may make sense if you are truly ready to be done.  But otherwise, such a move isn't a good strategy to get him to comply with your wishes for contact.  Think of him as a feral cat.  He will come if he knows you'll receive him, feed and stroke him if he wants it, but you are putting no pressure.

Again let me stress that, while I could do the above, while my ex was withdrawing from me, he was also engaging in other behaviors that I felt betrayed me/us, and so in the end, the fact that I could wait out the silences didn't answer the question of whether I should or wanted to stay in the r/s.  But it doesn't sound like you have any information like that.  So ... .if you want to stay, steady warm non-pressuring "pings" would be my recommendation.  Someone I met on here did that literally for six months before her pwBPD began communicating again.

[EaglesJuju]

I would just say that several people who've come and gone from BPDF in the time I've been here have experienced much longer withdrawals (I wouldn't call it ST as he is explaining to you that he's having a hard time coping) and had their person with BPD return to the r/s.  Sometimes it takes them a REALLY long time to re-regulate.  There is a lot of fear.

I think while it makes sense to think about how we may reinforce behavior like raging or cheating by accepting it, that's different when it comes to fear-based withdrawals.  If you withdraw all contact that may just amplify the fear of loss, if that is what's driving his withdrawal.  Steady, limited, warm, uncritical "pings" seem to work best in these instances.  "I can't take this anymore" type communication is not helpful.  It just confirms the suspicion that ultimately they will drive you away.

At the same time ... .at some point each of us probably does reach the "I can't take this anymore" point.  When you're there, you're there -- I'm not suggesting the way this r/s works is something that does or should work for you.  It sounds hard.  I ultimately decided that the way my r/s with my pwBPD works, doesn't work for me.  So not at all urging you to stick it out.

So a cut off date may make sense if you are truly ready to be done.  But otherwise, such a move isn't a good strategy to get him to comply with your wishes for contact.  Think of him as a feral cat.  He will come if he knows you'll receive him, feed and stroke him if he wants it, but you are putting no pressure.

Again let me stress that, while I could do the above, while my ex was withdrawing from me, he was also engaging in other behaviors that I felt betrayed me/us, and so in the end, the fact that I could wait out the silences didn't answer the question of whether I should or wanted to stay in the r/s.  But it doesn't sound like you have any information like that.  So ... .if you want to stay, steady warm non-pressuring "pings" would be my recommendation.  Someone I met on here did that literally for six months before her pwBPD began communicating again.

Thanks. You are right, the ST is not probably the best term to use when describing my situation.  I am not truly ready to be done with the relationship, but I feel like I cannot do anything right when I communicate with him. I told him I understand what he is going through  and I am there for him. I told him what I was feeling and I guess that was too much for him to cope with. It is frustrating to go through all my hurt and  constantly be vigilant of what I say. The thought of me upsets him. 

He tells me he needs to calm down, so I give him space. It is very hard for me to go without contact, because I have co-dependency issues. The lack of communication really upsets me.

He tells me he is afraid I will move on because of the distance between us now.  I reassured him that I intend to continue our relationship and eventually want to marry him.  Although I told him all of this, my fear is that this is all a fantasy.

[hurting300]

I would just say that several people who've come and gone from BPDF in the time I've been here have experienced much longer withdrawals (I wouldn't call it ST as he is explaining to you that he's having a hard time coping) and had their person with BPD return to the r/s.  Sometimes it takes them a REALLY long time to re-regulate.  There is a lot of fear.

I think while it makes sense to think about how we may reinforce behavior like raging or cheating by accepting it, that's different when it comes to fear-based withdrawals.  If you withdraw all contact that may just amplify the fear of loss, if that is what's driving his withdrawal.  Steady, limited, warm, uncritical "pings" seem to work best in these instances.  "I can't take this anymore" type communication is not helpful.  It just confirms the suspicion that ultimately they will drive you away.

At the same time ... .at some point each of us probably does reach the "I can't take this anymore" point.  When you're there, you're there -- I'm not suggesting the way this r/s works is something that does or should work for you.  It sounds hard.  I ultimately decided that the way my r/s with my pwBPD works, doesn't work for me.  So not at all urging you to stick it out.

So a cut off date may make sense if you are truly ready to be done.  But otherwise, such a move isn't a good strategy to get him to comply with your wishes for contact.  Think of him as a feral cat.  He will come if he knows you'll receive him, feed and stroke him if he wants it, but you are putting no pressure.

Again let me stress that, while I could do the above, while my ex was withdrawing from me, he was also engaging in other behaviors that I felt betrayed me/us, and so in the end, the fact that I could wait out the silences didn't answer the question of whether I should or wanted to stay in the r/s.  But it doesn't sound like you have any information like that.  So ... .if you want to stay, steady warm non-pressuring "pings" would be my recommendation.  Someone I met on here did that literally for six months before her pwBPD began communicating again.

Thanks. You are right, the ST is not probably the best term to use when describing my situation.  I am not truly ready to be done with the relationship, but I feel like I cannot do anything right when I communicate with him. I told him I understand what he is going through  and I am there for him. I told him what I was feeling and I guess that was too much for him to cope with. It is frustrating to go through all my hurt and  constantly be vigilant of what I say. The thought of me upsets him. 

He tells me he needs to calm down, so I give him space. It is very hard for me to go without contact, because I have co-dependency issues. The lack of communication really upsets me.

He tells me he is afraid I will move on because of the distance between us now.  I reassured him that I intend to continue our relationship and eventually want to marry him.  Although I told him all of this, my fear is that this is all a fantasy.

what i have going is silent treatment .

[EaglesJuju]

I would just say that several people who've come and gone from BPDF in the time I've been here have experienced much longer withdrawals (I wouldn't call it ST as he is explaining to you that he's having a hard time coping) and had their person with BPD return to the r/s.  Sometimes it takes them a REALLY long time to re-regulate.  There is a lot of fear.

I think while it makes sense to think about how we may reinforce behavior like raging or cheating by accepting it, that's different when it comes to fear-based withdrawals.  If you withdraw all contact that may just amplify the fear of loss, if that is what's driving his withdrawal.  Steady, limited, warm, uncritical "pings" seem to work best in these instances.  "I can't take this anymore" type communication is not helpful.  It just confirms the suspicion that ultimately they will drive you away.

At the same time ... .at some point each of us probably does reach the "I can't take this anymore" point.  When you're there, you're there -- I'm not suggesting the way this r/s works is something that does or should work for you.  It sounds hard.  I ultimately decided that the way my r/s with my pwBPD works, doesn't work for me.  So not at all urging you to stick it out.

So a cut off date may make sense if you are truly ready to be done.  But otherwise, such a move isn't a good strategy to get him to comply with your wishes for contact.  Think of him as a feral cat.  He will come if he knows you'll receive him, feed and stroke him if he wants it, but you are putting no pressure.

Again let me stress that, while I could do the above, while my ex was withdrawing from me, he was also engaging in other behaviors that I felt betrayed me/us, and so in the end, the fact that I could wait out the silences didn't answer the question of whether I should or wanted to stay in the r/s.  But it doesn't sound like you have any information like that.  So ... .if you want to stay, steady warm non-pressuring "pings" would be my recommendation.  Someone I met on here did that literally for six months before her pwBPD began communicating again.

Thanks. You are right, the ST is not probably the best term to use when describing my situation.  I am not truly ready to be done with the relationship, but I feel like I cannot do anything right when I communicate with him. I told him I understand what he is going through  and I am there for him. I told him what I was feeling and I guess that was too much for him to cope with. It is frustrating to go through all my hurt and  constantly be vigilant of what I say. The thought of me upsets him. 

He tells me he needs to calm down, so I give him space. It is very hard for me to go without contact, because I have co-dependency issues. The lack of communication really upsets me.

He tells me he is afraid I will move on because of the distance between us now.  I reassured him that I intend to continue our relationship and eventually want to marry him.  Although I told him all of this, my fear is that this is all a fantasy.

what i have going is silent treatment .

I do not think words even describe what you are going through. 

[hurting300]

I would just say that several people who've come and gone from BPDF in the time I've been here have experienced much longer withdrawals (I wouldn't call it ST as he is explaining to you that he's having a hard time coping) and had their person with BPD return to the r/s.  Sometimes it takes them a REALLY long time to re-regulate.  There is a lot of fear.

I think while it makes sense to think about how we may reinforce behavior like raging or cheating by accepting it, that's different when it comes to fear-based withdrawals.  If you withdraw all contact that may just amplify the fear of loss, if that is what's driving his withdrawal.  Steady, limited, warm, uncritical "pings" seem to work best in these instances.  "I can't take this anymore" type communication is not helpful.  It just confirms the suspicion that ultimately they will drive you away.

At the same time ... .at some point each of us probably does reach the "I can't take this anymore" point.  When you're there, you're there -- I'm not suggesting the way this r/s works is something that does or should work for you.  It sounds hard.  I ultimately decided that the way my r/s with my pwBPD works, doesn't work for me.  So not at all urging you to stick it out.

So a cut off date may make sense if you are truly ready to be done.  But otherwise, such a move isn't a good strategy to get him to comply with your wishes for contact.  Think of him as a feral cat.  He will come if he knows you'll receive him, feed and stroke him if he wants it, but you are putting no pressure.

Again let me stress that, while I could do the above, while my ex was withdrawing from me, he was also engaging in other behaviors that I felt betrayed me/us, and so in the end, the fact that I could wait out the silences didn't answer the question of whether I should or wanted to stay in the r/s.  But it doesn't sound like you have any information like that.  So ... .if you want to stay, steady warm non-pressuring "pings" would be my recommendation.  Someone I met on here did that literally for six months before her pwBPD began communicating again.

Thanks. You are right, the ST is not probably the best term to use when describing my situation.  I am not truly ready to be done with the relationship, but I feel like I cannot do anything right when I communicate with him. I told him I understand what he is going through  and I am there for him. I told him what I was feeling and I guess that was too much for him to cope with. It is frustrating to go through all my hurt and  constantly be vigilant of what I say. The thought of me upsets him. 

He tells me he needs to calm down, so I give him space. It is very hard for me to go without contact, because I have co-dependency issues. The lack of communication really upsets me.

He tells me he is afraid I will move on because of the distance between us now.  I reassured him that I intend to continue our relationship and eventually want to marry him.  Although I told him all of this, my fear is that this is all a fantasy.

what i have going is silent treatment .

I do not think words even describe what you are going through. 

very true... .