Orthodontic consultation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So DH's uBPDex was supposed to make a second appointment for SD orthodontic consultation, the frist appointment was on 9/24/14. We hadn't heard anything and figured that would be the case since she is lazy and only thinks of that stuff when we bring it up. Well since we aren't in teh market to babysit mom and remind her every time she needs to do something we didn't. SD is aksing about her braces and so on Friday DH called and made a second consultation for her for 10/29. Yesterday, he sent his ex an email, was very neutral, brief and factual... .

Dear ex we agreed at the appointment on 9/24 that we would like another orthodontic consultation for SD you mentioned that you would like to make that appointment, since I haven't heard of anything being scheduled I made an appointment for 10/29 at 2pm with Dr. so and so. The address is.

She responded about 90 minutes later that SD has an appointment TODAY at 4pm. One of two things happened, she either called yesterday and got a last minute appointment (my money is on this) or she wasn't planning to tell him. Their agreement clearly states that they are to notify one another of appointments. And DH cannot make the appointment today because of work. I can go but can only imagine what the will cause but we don't trust what she will relay to us from the appointment.

So should he respond to her letting her know that he is unable to make it and that he would lke a reschedule, even though she will say no.

should we not respond at all and I will just go, she will assume he is coming and hopefully not make a scene

not say anything and not go. He was prepared to reschedule next week's appointment if mom would have said hey I can't make it can we look at a different date. But the problem is she NEVER freakin does that, she always just plays the victim instead of saying "hey I can't make it can we find another time"

thanks for any suggestions and letting me vent.

[Swiggle]

So DH's uBPDex was supposed to make a second appointment for SD orthodontic consultation, the frist appointment was on 9/24/14. We hadn't heard anything and figured that would be the case since she is lazy and only thinks of that stuff when we bring it up. Well since we aren't in teh market to babysit mom and remind her every time she needs to do something we didn't. SD is aksing about her braces and so on Friday DH called and made a second consultation for her for 10/29. Yesterday, he sent his ex an email, was very neutral, brief and factual... .

Dear ex we agreed at the appointment on 9/24 that we would like another orthodontic consultation for SD you mentioned that you would like to make that appointment, since I haven't heard of anything being scheduled I made an appointment for 10/29 at 2pm with Dr. so and so. The address is.

She responded about 90 minutes later that SD has an appointment TODAY at 4pm. One of two things happened, she either called yesterday and got a last minute appointment (my money is on this) or she wasn't planning to tell him. Their agreement clearly states that they are to notify one another of appointments. And DH cannot make the appointment today because of work. I can go but can only imagine what the will cause but we don't trust what she will relay to us from the appointment.

So should he respond to her letting her know that he is unable to make it and that he would lke a reschedule, even though she will say no.

should we not respond at all and I will just go, she will assume he is coming and hopefully not make a scene

not say anything and not go. He was prepared to reschedule next week's appointment if mom would have said hey I can't make it can we look at a different date. But the problem is she NEVER freakin does that, she always just plays the victim instead of saying "hey I can't make it can we find another time"

thanks for any suggestions and letting me vent.

[Swiggle]

So I'm replying to my own topic because I need to vent it out somewhere. DH found out that she made the appointment back on 10/4, so she wasn't planning to tell him. This has happened on our end before but we've always told her at least 1-3 weeks in advnace. He emailed her letting her know that because he only received a days notice he is unable to make it and that he would like to be there and asked how they could work it out to reschedule. She responded with sorry you are unable to make it, I'll let you know what they say... .

*&^%$*& games are so annoying. He wants to be there, he needs to be there and teh only reason he can't make it is because she gave him ZERO notice about the appointment. At this point there isn't anything we can do except for me to show up at the appointment and hope she doesn't cause trouble.

I think that is the best solution. I'm not going to base doing what I know is right on what her reaction might be, my step daughter and I are pretty close so I know she will see me being there as a good thing so I'm not to worried about her.

[Nope]

If it were me, I'd show up. I'd also make a point of saying that DH would have come himself if he could have. No guarantee that will change her behavior in the future, but if actually complying means dealing with him instead of dealing with you, she just might do it. And if not, at least you'll be there to get all of the necessary information to make an informed decision for SD.

If you have any difficulties, you know the drill, just document. Don't try to make any on the spot decisions as you still have to respect her position as parent. Just let it be known that you'll convey all information to your DH.

[ForeverDad]

DH found out that she made the appointment back on 10/4, so she wasn't planning to tell him.

Is the office not computerized?  One would think that when inquiring and making an appointment most apps would display pending appointments for that patient.

On the other hand most businesses, agencies, practices, daycares, etc don't want to get involved in the conflict between parents.  However, if she made a fuss about you attending rather than DH then explaining that DH would have come if only he had been notified should be sufficient to explain the matter to the doctor and staff.  (But they still won't want to deal with it.)

So how did it go?

[catclaw]

On the other hand most businesses, agencies, practices, daycares, etc don't want to get involved in the conflict between parents.  However, if she made a fuss about you attending rather than DH then explaining that DH would have come if only he had been notified should be sufficient to explain the matter to the doctor and staff.  (But they still won't want to deal with it.)

True. I worked in that position and can tell you a few things:

Some appoinment-programs have that feature, others don't. We used to have patients to come every day for a special treatment (or every other day or or or), so it would be annoying to be reminded of it everytime you try to write that appointment down. There is a list for pending appointemnts (usually) but since 99% of the patients aren't in a situation they have 2 people scheduling stuff for them, you never look at that list. Plus, I understood it that way: there were 2 different doctors involved.

If this wasn't the case: You can call the practice and ask "are there pending appointments for my daughter?" and they will either tell you or (if they're very strict with their discretion policy) ask you to come over to get the info. Maybe that would be a possibility.

Another thing is: "if only he had been notified" is certainly an information they can use in cases of appointments being missed. they don't have to get involved, but they see there are 2 people and a lack of communication from one or both sides.

just some info from the other side of the reception desk

[Swiggle]

I struggled about going because I knew it might be a huge trigger for her and I wasn't sure I wanted an issue in front of SD but in the end I wasn't going to base my decision on what her reaction might be. I figured if she wasnted to make an ass out of herself, well that's on her so I went!

a little backstory. She never takes them for checkups for the last two years DH has made and taken them to the appointments. In the past they went to the fast food of dental centers and never saw the same dentist. When we made appointments a month ago we went with a new place that is more of a family dentist facility and is closer to our home and mom's new residence. The place mom made the appointment at was the old dental center that they had been to before.

It was pretty uneventful but I have to tell the story as it is funny. She rolled her eyes when she saw me walk in the door and the look on SD face was like oh ___, this could be bad.

Once we were in the exam room the nurse walked in and said you must be SD and who do we have with us today, looking in teh direction of me and mom. Mom says with the snottiest voice, I'm her mother and this is her father's wife... .the tone of her voice was like a knife. I kindly looked at the nurse, smiled and said Hi my name is ... .

When the Doc came in she introduced herself to mom and mom said Hi I'm SD Mom, didn't give her name or anything. The shook my hand and I said Hi, I'm SD's step-mom Swiggle her dad couldn't make it today. Mom asked zero quesitons during the exam or after, I mean nothing. She is like clueless and just doesn't care, I don't know I don't understand it.

I had to leave for an appointment so I walked up to get a copy of the quote and had a nice talk with the one office nurse/billing person. I told her that dad would be calling to touch base that he couldn't be there since we had just found out about the appointment the day before. She said she understood and took both our names and numbers so she could keep us informed. I alerted her that mom does not have sole decision making authority and that they have to agree on things before anything cna move forward. She was nice and seemd to get it but who knows.

All in all it went well. Hopefully mom is now on notice that if you exclude dad you're going to get me and honestly I think she'd rather have dad. But we will see if it happens again.

We have the third and final cosult next Wednesday. I know mom is going to want to go with her dental center because she somehow feels in control there. But it is further away for everyone, they only do monday orthodontic work and dad can't take off on Mondays, they are a bit more expensive and they want the treatment for braces to last 18 months. Her first ortho consult suggested that since SD has small teeth and small roots that being to aggressive can damage her teeth and be painful so he would want to treat slowly for 2-3 years. The second ortho didn't say anything about that so hopefully we can get clarity from teh third but are prepared that mom is gong to dig in and make a case for her place.

Thanks for asking. It is so nice being able to talk to be who get it, I hate that there is always some drama. I feel like when I talk to friends and family they are proably like goodness look at all your drama. 

[Swiggle]

On the other hand most businesses, agencies, practices, daycares, etc don't want to get involved in the conflict between parents.  However, if she made a fuss about you attending rather than DH then explaining that DH would have come if only he had been notified should be sufficient to explain the matter to the doctor and staff.  (But they still won't want to deal with it.)

True. I worked in that position and can tell you a few things:

Some appoinment-programs have that feature, others don't. We used to have patients to come every day for a special treatment (or every other day or or or), so it would be annoying to be reminded of it everytime you try to write that appointment down. There is a list for pending appointemnts (usually) but since 99% of the patients aren't in a situation they have 2 people scheduling stuff for them, you never look at that list. Plus, I understood it that way: there were 2 different doctors involved.

If this wasn't the case: You can call the practice and ask "are there pending appointments for my daughter?" and they will either tell you or (if they're very strict with their discretion policy) ask you to come over to get the info. Maybe that would be a possibility.

Another thing is: "if only he had been notified" is certainly an information they can use in cases of appointments being missed. they don't have to get involved, but they see there are 2 people and a lack of communication from one or both sides.

just some info from the other side of the reception desk

Thanks this is helpful. This was a different place than we went but I'm certain mom probably didn't list dad on the forms she was filling out. She has this entitled mentality that these are her children and screw him, she thinks he should have zero rights to the kids. In her defense though that is how it was when her mom divorced her dad, the dad got screwed. Of course DH heard all sorts of terrible things about him and how he walked out and never looked back blah blah blah but after what he's learned he is wonders if that was really the case, I'm guessing it wasn't 

[ForeverDad]

Thanks this is helpful. This was a different place than we went but I'm certain mom probably didn't list dad on the forms she was filling out. She has this entitled mentality that these are her children and screw him, she thinks he should have zero rights to the kids. In her defense though that is how it was when her mom divorced her dad, the dad got screwed. Of course DH heard all sorts of terrible things about him and how he walked out and never looked back blah blah blah but after what he's learned he is wonders if that was really the case, I'm guessing it wasn't 

Even before we separated my ex was distorting reality to our preschooler.  I recall one instance I was preparing to leave for work and she kept telling him, "Papi no te quiere pero yo te quiero." - ":)addy doesn't love you but I do."

It is so easy for the non-primary parent to be mis-characterized by an alienating parent as "He left you" when he really was driven away.  And "He doesn't care about you" when exchanges and phone calls are repeatedly sabotaged.

[catclaw]

Swiggle, i love that story :':) i imagine uBPDm and me being in a room together with ss7 in the middle... sounds like comedy to me xD she and I have a very unfortunate background (first thing i got from her was a smear campaign that took it way too far, telephone terror at all day and night times an death threats. first time she talked to me was when she wanted SS to live with us to have more time for herself. that one hour she was sweet as ___ to me ^^).i wonder why BPDparents don't seem to get the medical stuff for their kids straight. from what i read here it is a very common thing not to make appointments and denying treatment/therapy to the kiddos. is that a control thing? or is it just "not important enough"? i feel it has a lot to do with fear of someone who finds out there might be something that went terribly wrong and wanting to keep the masquerade up...

[catclaw]

It is so easy for the non-primary parent to be mis-characterized by an alienating parent as "He left you" when he really was driven away.  And "He doesn't care about you" when exchanges and phone calls are repeatedly sabotaged.

we experience something similar. we never try to alienate ss from his mother. she can't take him one weekend, she'll have to wait for the next one and can see him 3 weekends in a row (if she finds the time). she never calls him or picks him up as she promised to him. when ss came bsck last time je said "it's nit fair that mom can see me EOW only". not "i want to see mom", he doesn't think we're being fair to HER. he never asks to call her either, he just wants to make sure to convince us about the injustice we're bringing over her. if she wants to have him every weekend (that's what she tells him, but we're the ones to forbid it), she could. she just doesn't want him.

[Swiggle]

Swiggle, i love that story :':) i imagine uBPDm and me being in a room together with ss7 in the middle... sounds like comedy to me xD she and I have a very unfortunate background (first thing i got from her was a smear campaign that took it way too far, telephone terror at all day and night times an death threats. first time she talked to me was when she wanted SS to live with us to have more time for herself. that one hour she was sweet as ___ to me ^^).i wonder why BPDparents don't seem to get the medical stuff for their kids straight. from what i read here it is a very common thing not to make appointments and denying treatment/therapy to the kiddos. is that a control thing? or is it just "not important enough"? i feel it has a lot to do with fear of someone who finds out there might be something that went terribly wrong and wanting to keep the masquerade up...

I think it is just them not thinking about others. Even though she is uBPD she has some strong pretty strong NP traits.