Minimising contact -OFW-does it work?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have spent the last two weeks using Our Family Wizard site to communicate (or not) with my exN/dpd re S16, D15 and S6. I read about it on this site and it looked good for my situation. 18 months of him agreeing/breaking childcare arrangements was sending my stress levels stupidly high.

After ex refused mediation to finally sort the issue, even if I paid, I was at point of insisting on court order for him to see children. A court order would have insisted we mediate. He begged not to mediate or have to get court order though I still don't understand why, so OFW seemed a compromise and a possible way of reducing conflict especially over agreed dates.

I suggested it, paid for it, added everything to the calendar etc and he then told that he had no intention of using it. I made it clear that was his choice but that all info from me regarding the children was going on there. After a week he eventually looked on it when he needed information but won't offer any of his own info re dates or journal entries for the children so far. Does anybody else have experience of using the site? Did it work long term.? Did it help.?

[Lmls]

I have spent the last two weeks using Our Family Wizard site to communicate (or not) with my exN/dpd re S16, D15 and S6. I read about it on this site and it looked good for my situation. 18 months of him agreeing/breaking childcare arrangements was sending my stress levels stupidly high.

After ex refused mediation to finally sort the issue, even if I paid, I was at point of insisting on court order for him to see children. A court order would have insisted we mediate. He begged not to mediate or have to get court order though I still don't understand why, so OFW seemed a compromise and a possible way of reducing conflict especially over agreed dates.

I suggested it, paid for it, added everything to the calendar etc and he then told that he had no intention of using it. I made it clear that was his choice but that all info from me regarding the children was going on there. After a week he eventually looked on it when he needed information but won't offer any of his own info re dates or journal entries for the children so far. Does anybody else have experience of using the site? Did it work long term.? Did it help.?

[Nope]

I wish I had a longer experience to share right now but we've only been using OFW for a couple of months. The kid's BPD mom has only logged in once five days before our last court date and didn't even look at the calendar or the bills or anything. Just logged in so she could say she did in court if asked since using OFW is now mentioned in the court order.

What OFW seems to do very well is document. She can't say in court that she was never notified of things when they are in there even if she fails to log in. It's also good for journaling about the differences between what is supposed to happen and what actually happens with parenting time. Write what was agreed to so that he can see it and it is automatically dated. Then later write what actually happened. This way, when you do walk into court you have a handy log of events to draw from.

It's hard to say if the realization that you are documenting will change his behavior at all. In my case my DH's BPD ex simply doesn't communicate at all to avoid having anything bad that she might say documented.  So I guess my advice would be not to expect the behavior to change, but instead to realize you are making it more easily provable.

You said your stress level is very high due to broken child care arrangements. Have you given thought to what kind of arrangement you would like to see set in stone if you could do that?

[ForeverDad]

It upsets me hugely that he is actually trying to lessen contact with them, and his current mental state makes me think that perhaps this is not such a bad thing and that I should be asking for a psych report and considering possible full custody. I don't think this is ideal for the children, but like you realise that my ex's behaviour is abusive.

Frankly, you can't force someone to be a more involved or better parent.  You can have that door open and not block it but in the final analysis it's his choice.  And yes you're likely to get unfairly blamed for his failure to parent.

Probably you will just have to find a reasonable balance and try to limit the amount of erratic inconsistent behaviors, blaming and blame-shifting that he may do.  Deal with what IS, not how you wish it to be.

Going forward, do what's best for yourself and the children.  If he can be a positive and significant part of their lives, fine, if not, well that's the way it will have to be.

OFW does get positive marks, but as Nope wrote, "What OFW seems to do very well is document."  So much of what happens in post-separation life is ignored in court as "he-said, she-said".  OFW enables the court and other professionals to view what is actually happening or not happening.  And while it doesn't enable a parent to falsely claim "I'm not being informed" it does prove whether it's true.