The lost hope of never was

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was cheated on 3 months into our relationship. I caught her in a situation she couldn't have lied her way out of. Even then, I knew my demise was certain. But I stayed. I'm an assertive person in every way of my life. I love a good debate, and I'm not ever afraid to take a stand on something I feel strong about. But for some reason none of this plays into my relationships. She is gorgeous. She was and sometimes can be still, the most fun person I've ever met. The physical chemistry was once so incredible rarely now, but sometimes.  I've read passages that could have been written by my inner voice. Something about this relationship saved you. It made you feel alive. It awakened you. This is exactly the way it felt. The break of day felt different in those times, music sounded different, the weekends were all amazing and the phone was my life line to my best friend, my girlfriend, the most beautiful wonderful person I ever met.

The red flags along the way were obvious in my rear view of memories. How many gorgeous people with great jobs, financially stable and educated get left by their husbands? The way she couldn't define love when I asked her if she loved her ex. The way she told me she needed someone to anticipate her needs. The way she slowly started losing interest in me and the push/pull would start. Each cycle I lost more of myself and the rigidity of my recognition of it and defense against it became less and less.  In my coddled youth of stable parents and a sheltered life, I had no concept of BPD. I had no awareness that someone outside a horror movie would purposely target and manipulate me. Seek to control me, coldly detach from me, rage at me, bait me into fights, neglect me, openly say that my needs don't matter and they are now shifted upon her where they belong.

She had the perfect excuse, a recent and stressful divorce and a 3 year old child. Mom's are busy. Single mom's are crazy busy. All of her behavior outside cheating could be attributed to stress. Her rages prompted me to help more, to give up more of me, to be more to her. I'am defeated right now. I have awoken to a sobering reality, gone is the buzz from this perfect love. Gone is my list of ways I could help her. Of things I could do that perhaps I was not doing now. I have done it all, and yet it happens. What's worse, is the fact that in the degradation of our relationship, she realized the ways to hurt me the most. At first she demanded all my time. When I became attached, by the end she left me to fend for myself, isolated now and alone. Again, always reasonable excuses. My resentment built and would come out from time to time. I did my best to control it but the basis of it was I felt that things were terribly unbalanced. I could give up everything for her and rub her back for an hour at the end of doing it all for her, and yet if I asked her to rub mine, she would blatantly tell me no. She withdrew physical intimacy slowly but surely. It became mechanical, me pleasing her and it ending. No foreplay, no passion and never initiated by her. I began to notice that these cycles of disregulation would come on in this way: A month of great times. Idealization per say. A trigger, the last one was me saying let me come to your house tomorrow because you are sick, I'll watch your child while you go to the doctor She agreed, thanked me and we set a time. I did this, but when I came over she didn't feel like going. Mind you our germs get along perfectly because last year alone we traded sicknesses at least 3 times. Because she wasn't going, I said I was going to go and to call me later when she wanted to go. I knew before I left, here we go all from one comment and one look. She picked an irrational fight with me claiming I hate her dog. We got into a fight that night. She distanced herself from me. All the sudden we didn't see each other for a week. Her texts were detached, conversations sparse. I stopped by several times to drop off groceries that I asked if I could get so she could just relax and rest, she agreed. For absolutely no reason, she brings up seeing her ex when she picked her kid up (someone who wants nothing to do with her btw) She tells me how she can still picture herself with him, how he is the nicest person ever. And proceeds to tell me how I'm not friendly to her neighbors (what?) and I talk to loud and ramble on. mind you, her example was when I showed up at her house because she was outside crying after locking herself out and upset because she had 2 broken sprinklers. This turned into a fit of rage that she needs help and nobody is there for her. I was talking to her to try and help her, to suggest she call someone I know and come to find out I was rambling on and talking too loud? I did not bite but still I guess Ive realized as much control as I have over my actions in those moments of baiting, I can't seem to help but allow resentment to build in me.

This past weekend we were out and I found out her family member was coming next week. I asked her if she wanted me to meet them as it's been a year and I never have. I received a cold blah, and when asked again got no answer. I was upset. She makes me feel so worthless. She makes me feel invalid. She makes me feel like a secret. Like nothing I ever do will be good enough. Family is a big deal to me and this hurt me a lot. If there i a reason fine, tell me. But she didn't say anything. She blew me off. Fine, I'll bite.  And the comments she made the other day, the way she picked the fight with me I explained above, I just lost control and told her I wanted to leave. This turned into me having to follow her as she tried walking away from me (all I wanted was to get my keys from her car, call a cab so I could get into my house) she was screaming at me to get away from her. That she doesn't love me. That this isn't love, etc. Finally I got my stuff and found a cab. She text me that she would drive me home and I said, I called a cab I'm done with you leave me alone. Today I find myself feeling shame and guilt for acting out. Apologizing to her. I did not totally give my dignity away I told her that there are deep rooted problems from day one that I have let build in me. That I'm broken right now. The thing about when she cheated is, I can't hang on and "work through it" Facts are I don't trust her when we are having problems. She detaches reappears, detaches reappears.

I guess the point I'm getting at. To answer the people who don't understand. It's the pictures. The look in my eyes in them. I thought I found her. The one I was going to marry. The person whose hand I would hold today, tomorrow and when we are 80 years old. There is a hope and a feeling of excitement and being alive that she brought into my life that is simply intoxicating. It was hope. I genuinely love her. And she's done an excellent job of blaming me for everything and disintegrating any self worth I have.  The hurt and pain she caused me triggered this codependent anxiety wherein usually when a volcano erupts what do you do? For me with her, rather than rush away, I rushed towards her. It made me hold on tighter. I had to understand why. I had to know if I could fix it. I was in complete shock. I realize the relationship should have ended THAT day. Why didn't I leave? That just makes me feel more pathetic.  I had to not simply give up on a dream that she herself had planted in my mind about us and our future. So I stayed. And with it comes the bouts of separation anxiety when we are apart for long weekends. It's just really awful. Yet it's like my fixation is on moment to moment rather than anything long term the way I'd normally view relationships. For the majority of all the abuse I've managed to stay myself only realizing now something important that I want to share. We are all a blank canvas when we meet someone. You can NOT live in denial that as you try and deal with these situations that your picture is not being distorted or damaged. I'm only now looking at this canvas and realizing it's painted black, half charred and unrecognizable. For so very long, I saw the hope in it. I held on to the feeling of pure elation that I got. And still get sometimes with less frequency.

I need to get out of this, but the anticipatory grief and depression is completely and totally overwhelming. I don't bounce back well from stuff like this. I have had great relationships and 2 bad ones in a row now. The last one when it ended I was single and alone, not so much as a date for 2 years. I struggled very much with it and still don't really understand why I took it so hard. The thought of going back into that dark place is something that makes my heart race, my blood run cold and my heart physically begin to tear at the seams. I don't know what to do. I don't know how this happened. I live so close to her, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to move but it's not that easy.

I'm not sure I understand what a good relationship even feels like. But I'm sick of chasing her. I don't want to fight with her. I love her. That is a choice. I don't need her to love me back and she doesn't need to know that a part of me will always love her. I'll keep that reserved for me. My struggle is not in the fact that this person is bad. I KNOW she won't ever love me the way I love her. I'm accepting the reciprocation will never be equal and the balance will never be healthy. That would be easy. I could chalk it up as a bad relationship, say she sucks and move on. My struggle is in the fact that even after all those things, I love her. How is this possible? What the hell is wrong with me? And also how someone so cute, so innocent could be so destructive. Why me? Why did she do this to me? Why did I not realize it sooner? Why did I not leave her after cheating? I'm a mess. It's like grieving a death. The person she was, is not and never was. I struggle with that. Because that person in my mind, was so real.

[anxiety5]

I was cheated on 3 months into our relationship. I caught her in a situation she couldn't have lied her way out of. Even then, I knew my demise was certain. But I stayed. I'm an assertive person in every way of my life. I love a good debate, and I'm not ever afraid to take a stand on something I feel strong about. But for some reason none of this plays into my relationships. She is gorgeous. She was and sometimes can be still, the most fun person I've ever met. The physical chemistry was once so incredible rarely now, but sometimes.  I've read passages that could have been written by my inner voice. Something about this relationship saved you. It made you feel alive. It awakened you. This is exactly the way it felt. The break of day felt different in those times, music sounded different, the weekends were all amazing and the phone was my life line to my best friend, my girlfriend, the most beautiful wonderful person I ever met.

The red flags along the way were obvious in my rear view of memories. How many gorgeous people with great jobs, financially stable and educated get left by their husbands? The way she couldn't define love when I asked her if she loved her ex. The way she told me she needed someone to anticipate her needs. The way she slowly started losing interest in me and the push/pull would start. Each cycle I lost more of myself and the rigidity of my recognition of it and defense against it became less and less.  In my coddled youth of stable parents and a sheltered life, I had no concept of BPD. I had no awareness that someone outside a horror movie would purposely target and manipulate me. Seek to control me, coldly detach from me, rage at me, bait me into fights, neglect me, openly say that my needs don't matter and they are now shifted upon her where they belong.

She had the perfect excuse, a recent and stressful divorce and a 3 year old child. Mom's are busy. Single mom's are crazy busy. All of her behavior outside cheating could be attributed to stress. Her rages prompted me to help more, to give up more of me, to be more to her. I'am defeated right now. I have awoken to a sobering reality, gone is the buzz from this perfect love. Gone is my list of ways I could help her. Of things I could do that perhaps I was not doing now. I have done it all, and yet it happens. What's worse, is the fact that in the degradation of our relationship, she realized the ways to hurt me the most. At first she demanded all my time. When I became attached, by the end she left me to fend for myself, isolated now and alone. Again, always reasonable excuses. My resentment built and would come out from time to time. I did my best to control it but the basis of it was I felt that things were terribly unbalanced. I could give up everything for her and rub her back for an hour at the end of doing it all for her, and yet if I asked her to rub mine, she would blatantly tell me no. She withdrew physical intimacy slowly but surely. It became mechanical, me pleasing her and it ending. No foreplay, no passion and never initiated by her. I began to notice that these cycles of disregulation would come on in this way: A month of great times. Idealization per say. A trigger, the last one was me saying let me come to your house tomorrow because you are sick, I'll watch your child while you go to the doctor She agreed, thanked me and we set a time. I did this, but when I came over she didn't feel like going. Mind you our germs get along perfectly because last year alone we traded sicknesses at least 3 times. Because she wasn't going, I said I was going to go and to call me later when she wanted to go. I knew before I left, here we go all from one comment and one look. She picked an irrational fight with me claiming I hate her dog. We got into a fight that night. She distanced herself from me. All the sudden we didn't see each other for a week. Her texts were detached, conversations sparse. I stopped by several times to drop off groceries that I asked if I could get so she could just relax and rest, she agreed. For absolutely no reason, she brings up seeing her ex when she picked her kid up (someone who wants nothing to do with her btw) She tells me how she can still picture herself with him, how he is the nicest person ever. And proceeds to tell me how I'm not friendly to her neighbors (what?) and I talk to loud and ramble on. mind you, her example was when I showed up at her house because she was outside crying after locking herself out and upset because she had 2 broken sprinklers. This turned into a fit of rage that she needs help and nobody is there for her. I was talking to her to try and help her, to suggest she call someone I know and come to find out I was rambling on and talking too loud? I did not bite but still I guess Ive realized as much control as I have over my actions in those moments of baiting, I can't seem to help but allow resentment to build in me.

This past weekend we were out and I found out her family member was coming next week. I asked her if she wanted me to meet them as it's been a year and I never have. I received a cold blah, and when asked again got no answer. I was upset. She makes me feel so worthless. She makes me feel invalid. She makes me feel like a secret. Like nothing I ever do will be good enough. Family is a big deal to me and this hurt me a lot. If there i a reason fine, tell me. But she didn't say anything. She blew me off. Fine, I'll bite.  And the comments she made the other day, the way she picked the fight with me I explained above, I just lost control and told her I wanted to leave. This turned into me having to follow her as she tried walking away from me (all I wanted was to get my keys from her car, call a cab so I could get into my house) she was screaming at me to get away from her. That she doesn't love me. That this isn't love, etc. Finally I got my stuff and found a cab. She text me that she would drive me home and I said, I called a cab I'm done with you leave me alone. Today I find myself feeling shame and guilt for acting out. Apologizing to her. I did not totally give my dignity away I told her that there are deep rooted problems from day one that I have let build in me. That I'm broken right now. The thing about when she cheated is, I can't hang on and "work through it" Facts are I don't trust her when we are having problems. She detaches reappears, detaches reappears.

I guess the point I'm getting at. To answer the people who don't understand. It's the pictures. The look in my eyes in them. I thought I found her. The one I was going to marry. The person whose hand I would hold today, tomorrow and when we are 80 years old. There is a hope and a feeling of excitement and being alive that she brought into my life that is simply intoxicating. It was hope. I genuinely love her. And she's done an excellent job of blaming me for everything and disintegrating any self worth I have.  The hurt and pain she caused me triggered this codependent anxiety wherein usually when a volcano erupts what do you do? For me with her, rather than rush away, I rushed towards her. It made me hold on tighter. I had to understand why. I had to know if I could fix it. I was in complete shock. I realize the relationship should have ended THAT day. Why didn't I leave? That just makes me feel more pathetic.  I had to not simply give up on a dream that she herself had planted in my mind about us and our future. So I stayed. And with it comes the bouts of separation anxiety when we are apart for long weekends. It's just really awful. Yet it's like my fixation is on moment to moment rather than anything long term the way I'd normally view relationships. For the majority of all the abuse I've managed to stay myself only realizing now something important that I want to share. We are all a blank canvas when we meet someone. You can NOT live in denial that as you try and deal with these situations that your picture is not being distorted or damaged. I'm only now looking at this canvas and realizing it's painted black, half charred and unrecognizable. For so very long, I saw the hope in it. I held on to the feeling of pure elation that I got. And still get sometimes with less frequency.

I need to get out of this, but the anticipatory grief and depression is completely and totally overwhelming. I don't bounce back well from stuff like this. I have had great relationships and 2 bad ones in a row now. The last one when it ended I was single and alone, not so much as a date for 2 years. I struggled very much with it and still don't really understand why I took it so hard. The thought of going back into that dark place is something that makes my heart race, my blood run cold and my heart physically begin to tear at the seams. I don't know what to do. I don't know how this happened. I live so close to her, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to move but it's not that easy.

I'm not sure I understand what a good relationship even feels like. But I'm sick of chasing her. I don't want to fight with her. I love her. That is a choice. I don't need her to love me back and she doesn't need to know that a part of me will always love her. I'll keep that reserved for me. My struggle is not in the fact that this person is bad. I KNOW she won't ever love me the way I love her. I'm accepting the reciprocation will never be equal and the balance will never be healthy. That would be easy. I could chalk it up as a bad relationship, say she sucks and move on. My struggle is in the fact that even after all those things, I love her. How is this possible? What the hell is wrong with me? And also how someone so cute, so innocent could be so destructive. Why me? Why did she do this to me? Why did I not realize it sooner? Why did I not leave her after cheating? I'm a mess. It's like grieving a death. The person she was, is not and never was. I struggle with that. Because that person in my mind, was so real.

[Blimblam]

Was she the witch?

[peiper]

I felt the very same way about my BPDexW. For me its worse then death because she is still alive and I'm the one that is dead to her and for no other reason than loving her.

[Blimblam]

Becuase they give you the puppy eyes. The Child who is afraid you will leave and it's authentic. They just somehow trigger something in you so deep that had been burried for so long that feeling  you had in the fantasies when you were like 4 years old. They magic of your childhood comes alive again.

[anxiety5]

You tell me. I don't know.

Egocentric, everything is about her. Her needs and wants at all times. She is an unmitigated control freak. It came slow and became overwhelming. I used to get an odd sense that on a Saturday morning I wasn't "allowed" to leave her house. She raged at me the first time 2 months in over the tone of my voice when trying to help her move something that would have crushed me if I didn't ask her to hurry and come help me. She was intensely sexual in the beginning followed by bouts of disinterest and withholding. Now she only seems to get really into things when we are on vacation. She can't deal with stress from work. Sometimes she gets so mad her lip quivers. She belittles me and tells me I have no idea how busy her life is. I don't have any kids I have no idea. She doesn't like when I go with my friends or do things with them. I've neglected them so bad I will have to work to get them back. She is a tornado of impulse. She is ALWAYS reinventing herself. New hobbies, new projects around the house, needs a new couch, needs a new car, etc. She is self sufficient but there is always some project that she impulsively is working at and can switch on a dime. She will have complete melt downs at times over things or news she gets that isn't even that bad. She has underlying issues with OCD when she's stressed. And anxiety all the time. She also has strange views of people, and haughty attitudes like a way over emphasis on job titles or places they went to school over who they are or how hard they work. She treats strangers coldly, her sense of humor is distorted. I get a sense sometimes she enjoys tormenting her son and me as well about things that cause us anxiety. It's so subtle though you'd never know. It's like a comment here or there of mentioning something she knows effects us. Just for the fact of doing it. She cheated on me and told me that I had no right to complain because her divorce was way stressful than what I was complaining about. (what?) She goes in cycles of normalcy where she is loving nurturing and I'm idealized and can do no wrong to spells where I'm criticized for pointless things, baited into reacting and when I do she rages at me and blames me for it all. If she asks for a favor and I don't comply It's either rage or passive aggressive misery.  Once the train of emotions start there is no stopping them. For instance if we get in a little argument in the morning on a day we spend together, even if we work through it and things are ok, within that day it will surface later, a sort of payback it feels like. She once raged at me the day we buried my grandmother because she was stressed from work. I think that's the only day I ever told her I needed her. I just didn't feel like sitting alone festering at my house. Asked if I could come over, even just help her do whatever she had to do to get my mind off things. I showed up and she raged at me. She is gorgeous, but at times seems a sexual. She also only talks about her. Like if she saw a mom and dad with a boy who is 10, she would look at that kid and ask questions about stuff, raising a child, etc but it's all in the context of her son and what he will be like at that age, no general concern or care about them as people. She crafts this very well it's almost unrecognizable. She felt shame when I caught her cheating not guilt. She was angered when I wanted to discuss it because of the way it made her feel. When her emotions are off the charts she has a history of acting impulsively. Those are the times she drank and drove from a work function, while doing something inappropriate with a co-worker, all at a job she'd be fired for for such a relationship. Meanwhile if you met her you would think she was All-Americana USA perfect girl next door neighbor, apple pie wholesome.

[Blimblam]

Sounds pretty witch to me. Idk about her levels of overt or invert narcissism.

she sounds like she has some queen in their to what degree I'm not sure. The more queen the faker they are as the queen is the npd comorbidity.

Yeah the witch is fun at first. Probably the freakiest in bed at first.

They are hard to handle and would probably chill out a bunch if you got them heavily into weed or an extreme sport of some kind. My ex was an adrenaline junkie. The witch one. Gotta be carefull as they might be the one to get physically violent.

They are never boring.

[anxiety5]

Queen, Witch, etc. All I know is she sucks and I'm breaking out of prison. I'm going to do this for me and everyone else on here. I'm going to learn as much as I can. Ask for all of you strength and hopefully inspire you all to do the same. There needs to be a BPD recognition day. A day we either leave or the day they enter treatment. Enough is Enough!

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Queen, Witch, etc. All I know is she sucks and I'm breaking out of prison. I'm going to do this for me and everyone else on here. I'm going to learn as much as I can. Ask for all of you strength and hopefully inspire you all to do the same. There needs to be a BPD recognition day. A day we either leave or the day they enter treatment. Enough is Enough!

Truer words couldve never been spoken. Stay strong mate!

[peiper]

Queen, Witch, etc. All I know is she sucks and I'm breaking out of prison. I'm going to do this for me and everyone else on here. I'm going to learn as much as I can. Ask for all of you strength and hopefully inspire you all to do the same. There needs to be a BPD recognition day. A day we either leave or the day they enter treatment. Enough is Enough!

Amen !

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I felt the very same way about my BPDexW. For me its worse then death because she is still alive and I'm the one that is dead to her and for no other reason than loving her.

I can't even begin to tell you how closely I relate to this.  I feel as if I am still standing here trying to process exactly what happened... .how I missed all the signs... .and she's off doing whatever she does, with whomever.  If I could just allow myself to stop dwelling on things that I will never have the answers to (nor do I want) perhaps I could take a step forward. 

[Deeno02]

I felt the very same way about my BPDexW. For me its worse then death because she is still alive and I'm the one that is dead to her and for no other reason than loving her.

I can't even begin to tell you how closely I relate to this.  I feel as if I am still standing here trying to process exactly what happened... .how I missed all the signs... .and she's off doing whatever she does, with whomever.  If I could just allow myself to stop dwelling on things that I will never have the answers to (nor do I want) perhaps I could take a step forward. 

Yep. Me too... .been 7 weeks now.

[clydegriffith]

I was cheated on 3 months into our relationship. I caught her in a situation she couldn't have lied her way out of. Even then, I knew my demise was certain. But I stayed. I'm an assertive person in every way of my life. I love a good debate, and I'm not ever afraid to take a stand on something I feel strong about. But for some reason none of this plays into my relationships. She is gorgeous. She was and sometimes can be still, the most fun person I've ever met. The physical chemistry was once so incredible rarely now, but sometimes.  I've read passages that could have been written by my inner voice. Something about this relationship saved you. It made you feel alive. It awakened you. This is exactly the way it felt. The break of day felt different in those times, music sounded different, the weekends were all amazing and the phone was my life line to my best friend, my girlfriend, the most beautiful wonderful person I ever met.

The red flags along the way were obvious in my rear view of memories. How many gorgeous people with great jobs, financially stable and educated get left by their husbands? The way she couldn't define love when I asked her if she loved her ex. The way she told me she needed someone to anticipate her needs. The way she slowly started losing interest in me and the push/pull would start. Each cycle I lost more of myself and the rigidity of my recognition of it and defense against it became less and less.  In my coddled youth of stable parents and a sheltered life, I had no concept of BPD. I had no awareness that someone outside a horror movie would purposely target and manipulate me. Seek to control me, coldly detach from me, rage at me, bait me into fights, neglect me, openly say that my needs don't matter and they are now shifted upon her where they belong.

She had the perfect excuse, a recent and stressful divorce and a 3 year old child. Mom's are busy. Single mom's are crazy busy. All of her behavior outside cheating could be attributed to stress. Her rages prompted me to help more, to give up more of me, to be more to her. I'am defeated right now. I have awoken to a sobering reality, gone is the buzz from this perfect love. Gone is my list of ways I could help her. Of things I could do that perhaps I was not doing now. I have done it all, and yet it happens. What's worse, is the fact that in the degradation of our relationship, she realized the ways to hurt me the most. At first she demanded all my time. When I became attached, by the end she left me to fend for myself, isolated now and alone. Again, always reasonable excuses. My resentment built and would come out from time to time. I did my best to control it but the basis of it was I felt that things were terribly unbalanced. I could give up everything for her and rub her back for an hour at the end of doing it all for her, and yet if I asked her to rub mine, she would blatantly tell me no. She withdrew physical intimacy slowly but surely. It became mechanical, me pleasing her and it ending. No foreplay, no passion and never initiated by her. I began to notice that these cycles of disregulation would come on in this way: A month of great times. Idealization per say. A trigger, the last one was me saying let me come to your house tomorrow because you are sick, I'll watch your child while you go to the doctor She agreed, thanked me and we set a time. I did this, but when I came over she didn't feel like going. Mind you our germs get along perfectly because last year alone we traded sicknesses at least 3 times. Because she wasn't going, I said I was going to go and to call me later when she wanted to go. I knew before I left, here we go all from one comment and one look. She picked an irrational fight with me claiming I hate her dog. We got into a fight that night. She distanced herself from me. All the sudden we didn't see each other for a week. Her texts were detached, conversations sparse. I stopped by several times to drop off groceries that I asked if I could get so she could just relax and rest, she agreed. For absolutely no reason, she brings up seeing her ex when she picked her kid up (someone who wants nothing to do with her btw) She tells me how she can still picture herself with him, how he is the nicest person ever. And proceeds to tell me how I'm not friendly to her neighbors (what?) and I talk to loud and ramble on. mind you, her example was when I showed up at her house because she was outside crying after locking herself out and upset because she had 2 broken sprinklers. This turned into a fit of rage that she needs help and nobody is there for her. I was talking to her to try and help her, to suggest she call someone I know and come to find out I was rambling on and talking too loud? I did not bite but still I guess Ive realized as much control as I have over my actions in those moments of baiting, I can't seem to help but allow resentment to build in me.

Same with me. I'm a pretty good guy and for the most part everyone i've ever been associated with is a decent person so i naturally presumed the same of the BPDx. It took two years of hell to realize that nothing she says can be believed. It's made me a bit colder person, at least when it comes to her but she's will be somewhat part of my life for the forseeable future as what she used to try to trap me was having my baby.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I felt the very same way about my BPDexW. For me its worse then death because she is still alive and I'm the one that is dead to her and for no other reason than loving her.

I can't even begin to tell you how closely I relate to this.  I feel as if I am still standing here trying to process exactly what happened... .how I missed all the signs... .and she's off doing whatever she does, with whomever.  If I could just allow myself to stop dwelling on things that I will never have the answers to (nor do I want) perhaps I could take a step forward. 

Yep. Me too... .been 7 weeks now.

3 weeks 2 days... .but who's counting?  The problem is I'm only just starting to understand the magnitude of pain this break up has caused.  Parts that I thought were the truth are unraveling to be lies.  Emotions and beliefs that I was utilizing as a some sort of of coping mechanism seem to be plagued with doubt.  I feel like I am spiraling inside, and quickly.

[almostmarried]

This is my borderline/narc-ex wife you are talking about. EXACTLY the same.

At the end of their days,they will be lonely,sad,full of hate,miserable,blaming everybody except themselves,but deep down still hating themselves.

LET THEM DO IT AND LEAVE THEM ALONE.