New member

[Quilter149]

Although I've logged in as a new member, I've been here before, but it has been some time ago. My child is now 34 years old. Seems impossible, but true. Her daughter, my granddaughter, used to spend significant time with us, at least half the time. After many years of DD complaining that we never supported DD's move to a new city, we finally agreed that since her daughter is now able to stay by herself some that we would be supportive. She went with a good job but they made promises to her about her schedule and didn't follow through so she had to resign. Our son and youngest daughter also live in that city. After the FT job loss, things are not working out very well. She has another PT job at a different hospital, as needed work, but she feels she can't leave GD home alone for a 12 hr night shift and expect her to get herself to and from school and swim practice etc... .so that job is not working very well either, not many hours of shifts that workL ong story short, DD seems to be separating from us more than ever, says she'll never come back, and only wants money, nothing else. Says she can be our charity case. She says we have all shunned her (the whole entire family) which is not true, and all the same old songs about how we never supported her (non-monetarily) or acted like we cared or whatever. On and on. She was pretty suicidal about a month ago, but that seems to have passed to some degree. My heart breaks at the thought of no contact, although I don't know if that will ever truly happen as she uses me for a venting outlet whenever she feels bad about her life. In a way I am breathing easier since I don't have to deal with her day in and day out, but on the other hand I worry as she seems worse than ever in her delusional thinking. And now GD can't come here at all to get away and relax away from her mom. Many fears for her. GD is not texting me like I thought she would, much at all. I was allowed to see GD when I went to the city where they are a month ago, but she seemed different. Quieter, more serious. I invited them both to come home for Thanksgiving, thinking since basically I'd be the only one here as the rest of the family isn't coming and DH will be out of town working, but she said "No Way." We'll see if she changes her mind. Every month is another challenge to keep her afloat financially. We can afford it, fortunately, but she doesn't want to take it and hates us that she has to. At least that's kind of good that she's not wanting to mooch off us, but still... .It's so hard for single moms. But she puts ideal expectations onto herself and then when she can't meet them (no one could) she wants to kill herself and blame us for how "we have always treated her." In her mind we are the source of all her problems. And when she is happy with something in her life she can be a delightful fun person. I miss that terribly. That's basically where we are at the moment. I remembered how others would talk about "no contact" times with their BPD and was never in those shoes before. I think I could handle that better than I can handle no contact with GD. It breaks my heart.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello Quilter149 

I think that you are probably correct and that any NC is likely to be temporary. I think many of us have had similarly mixed feelings about more limited contact, relief at respite from the daily drama but constant worry.

How old is your granddaughter? Are there ways to let her know that you are there for her if she needs you.

It sounds as if your daughter is in a dilemma-ashamed of having to rely on you financially but unable to cope otherwise.

Do keep posting-there are other's here with grandchildren in the mix and it can be very difficult.

I'm sorry that you are in such an upsetting situation at present.