She will not get a REAL job...

[Mr. Solo]

dBPDw and I have been separated since July of 2013. The first six months we were separated she lost three jobs (one after three days!). Since then I have been "helping" her (pretty much paying everything). In June, I asked her to get a job because she was starting to become a financial burden (I didn't word it that way). She basically said she wanted to wait until after the summer was over to get a real job because she didn't want to miss out on summer plans with the kids. I told her I didn't agree with that and she needed to get a job. She took a few courses and took a few tests that were required for her to become a teacher's aid with our school district. That's fine but it takes several months to even get an interview even if one has applied for positions (she has). I told her I appreciated her doing those things but she needed to get a steady job until she gets a position. Well, as she has done the last several years of our marriage, she goes to friends and asks them what she can do to earn money (not anything substantial). She is also a photographer and occasionally gets gigs (but not enough to really help). She also makes hair bows and dresses for little girls (again not enough to really help). She does these things because she can work her own schedule (and for other reasons I will not go into). She also already works her rent off with her landlord because she cannot pay rent.

There have been several jobs offered to her the last few months. One friend talked to someone she knows and got my wife hired on the spot for a job at 7-11. All she had to do was show up.  I know that isn't ideal but she needs money. My wife refused saying it required her to work second shift which she doesn't want to do. We were eating at Waffle House a few weeks ago and the manager there went to school with my wife. She told me wife to come in the next day and she would hire her right then and there. My wife refused because she may have to work second or third shift. She did get a job substituting for a local church mothers' day out program but that is only when someone is out. She has worked there four times for a total of $130. I recently got a wrongful death settlement for $8000. I gave her $4000 so she could buy a car, catch up on her bills, and so on. She bought a car for $2000 (that I advised her not to get that she has already had to have repaired). She paid a few bills. I don't know where the rest went. Lately, even our D14, has been getting angry because she sees I have been paying all of this with my wife. Our S12, has even told my wife, "Momma, you HAVE to get a job." He did this on his own.

This morning she texts me and says her cell phone has been suspended (she has wifi so she was still able to text). I ask how much she owes and she says around $400. I told her I would not be paying it because I have things I still need to pay. She is upset with me after I did all of what I mentioned and more (I have paid every single penny of expenses related to our children for over a year). She is now QUESTIONING ME about what I have been doing with MY MONEY!

Keep in mind, she left me and tried to take the kids. I got them back via the court system (majority custody). I have been trying to work things out with her for about ten months and all I get from her is, "I don't know what I want to do." I have the money to pay the bill BUT it would severely hinder me financially until I get paid on the first. I feel like if she had been working on things more over the last several months and I feel like if she was more committed to working things out with me, I would take the financial hit to help her but, as it is, I don't feel comfortable doing this. Is that wrong?

I anticipate her breaking down and asking me to get an apartment with her (which she has done before). However, when she does this, she wants us to be nothing but roomies. Not a family. She wants to come and go as she pleases and for us to have "shifts" and "days" where we take turns being responsible for the kids. I refused this arrangement already. I know I would end up being responsible for everything financially and slowly these shifts and days with the kids, would all fall on me while she does what she wants. Based on my current situation, I would be a fool to do this without some commitment from her. And, now, if she decides to commit, I have to wonder if she is just saying what she needs to say.

I am not sure what to do. I don't want her to feel like I am giving up on her, because I'm not, but she needs to start helping herself. Her inability and/or reluctance to work is not only taking from me, it is taking from our kids as I can no longer pay for drum lessons for S9, singing lessons for D14, and science club for S12.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Inquisitive1]

I'll be curious to hear what the more seasoned/experienced forum member say about this.

IMO, I think you're doing the right thing. Setting boundaries. Your boundaries seem reasonable to me. I definitely would avoid the apartment sharing as roommates thing, that could get really messy. I think it may be best to not pay her cell phone bill, maybe she'll finally realize she needs some sort of job.

Best of luck, I1

[maxsterling]

I can certainly relate to your frustration.  My fiancé has had 3 jobs in the less than two years I have known her, the longest lasting less than 3 months.  She's also been hired for 3 jobs which she turned down, and for reasons such as you describe - doesn't pay enough, too far away, poor benefits, etc. 

But the real reason is that she is completely incapable of handling the stress of a job, and she knows it.  I suspect you are dealing with the same.  No amount of "get a job or else" will force her to get a job.  If I were you, since you are already separated, is to give support to your children, BUT NOT TO HER, unless it is somehow court ordered alimony.  Giving her money to buy a car, help her with living expenses (apartment) only enables her.  Cut it off and let her figure it out on her own.  She may figure it out, or she may not.  But she is no longer your responsibility.

[Mr. Solo]

She called me all excited it appears she will be on permanently at the church day care. It doesn't help. Two days a week from 9-1. $33 a day. $66 a week. That is not going to cut it but she acts like she has met her requirement to have a job and I should be happy about it. She will spend $66 a week on gas. She did apply for food stamps but that doesn't mean anything other than she will have food but no phone, power, car insurance, etc. I wasn't with her when she filled out the paperwork so I would not doubt she fudged numbers to get more benefits and possibly cause me to have to pay child support.

I am sorry. I love her to death but this is draining me. I have spent thousands "helping" her. The funny thing is, she acts like if I pay her power bill, I am not really helping her but the kids. If I pay the phone bill, I am not really helping her but the kids (2 have phones). If I buy her groceries, I am not really helping her but the kids. She tries to frame it all as if I don't really help her, only the kids (because they need power, food, water, etc., when they are at her place). I told her a few weeks ago that is not the case. The kids have everything they need at my home so I really don't need to pay her stuff because, if need be, they can stay with me. I have them 75% of the time anyways because she gets stressed out easily and sends them back to me after only a few days.

I think I am just going to have to tell her I'm done paying her expenses. I am only enabling her and it is beginning to spill over into my household. I have felt good about money since she left (because she isn't around to blow all the money) but now I am starting to get stressed about it again and I am not doing this again; especially when she is barely making an effort to do anything (other than sleep/drink/smoke). This should be fun. I am sure she will go postal about it.

[jedimaster]

I'm still very new here so I'm still receiving advice more than giving, but if she gets on food stamps she can qualify for a cell phone (Yes, the infamous "Obamaphone".)  Politics aside, it's actually intended for people like her who can't manage the usual way.  I think if I were in that place I would pay for the kids' phones and let her get one of the free ones.  Just applying for it would be a small step of responsibility and it might help her in some way to feel like it's "her" phone and not one you pay for.

[adventurer]

I relate so much to this.  I am married, non-separated, and NOTHING I have done has spurred my wife to get a job.  I finally told her I wanted a divorce and she swore up and down she would start looking very much in earnest but nothing has changed once I told her I would stay.

This is extremely difficult but you have to come to terms with the fact that nothing you do is going to change her.  No help you offer will ever be repaid or appreciated.  She needs to take responsibility for her life.  I am sorry to hear how it is negatively affecting the things you want for your children, that is very unfair.

You said it yourself

I have felt good about money since she left (because she isn't around to blow all the money) but now I am starting to get stressed about it again

and you know what you have to do, although I appreciate it's not easy.  Good luck and hang in there!

[WalrusGumboot]

Mr. Solo,

I spent 23 years with a BPDw who did not want to work a real job, just short term gigs here and there, just like yours. A few observations I have in retrospect.

The newness of something different to do stimulated her, and everybody was nice to her at the start. Once normal job-related demands were put on her and she wasn't the "new girl" getting special attention, there was always something that came up that she needed to quit.

Most jobs were "below her", even though she was a high school dropout, but finally achieved her GED by 25 only because I hounded her about it. It's the NPD traits that are very common to those with BPD. I suspect your dBPDw might have similar feelings about taking jobs that lower her status. My exBPDw wanted her own business, and tried and failed quite a few times after dumping a bunch of money into it.

Your dBPDw looks at you and the provider and always will. The money she earns, no matter how little, is her contribution that can and will be used against you. She isn't calculating anything monetarily in her head; not her expenses, not a budget. Any shortfalls will be pinned on your back, and if you don't pony up you will be the lousy husband and father who abandons taking care of your kids.

I found money management while I was separated to be worse than when she was living with me. It was always something that came up that I had to kick in more money for, and I'm not sure if I was even hearing the truth.

There is no answer that anybody can give you that will make things easier. You can just tell her you will give her x dollars a month and that's it, but she will kick and scream, and that is taxing. Paying whatever she wants you to pay to keep her quiet is no solution either. The thing you must strive for is to keep YOU out of financial trouble. In the end I escaped without most of my money but my credit was intact; a lot of people aren't so lucky.

Good luck.

[Inquisitive1]

A few things occur to me.

Before you act, do some long-term planning.

If you are separated and NOT divorced, you might want to consult a divorce lawyer prior to cutting off all financial support to her. Make sure you handle things in a way that wouldn't muck up later efforts at divorce.

Given that she will likely go postal, are there any other steps you can take to protect yourself and your children?

If you decide to cut her off completely, I respect that. I personally have a hard time imagining completely cutting off the mother of my children. The idea of setting very firm boundaries around what you will pay makes a lot of sense (yes it will be a pain in your @ss to maintain). Some minimial level of support may give her the best chance of achieving some level of independence. For example, having her cell phone on your contract as an additional line (possibly without data) would cost you very little and help her.

I agree with the Walrus, there is no answer that will make things easier.