I guess my point of this is: I don't know how to fight for something when he seems to have given up. I'm not sure what to do, but I feel like I don't have much of a choice at this point.
You can't fight for them. It is a waste of energy. I have been pining for my husband and trying to get him to engage or something for years to no avail. I feel like I have been fighting a losing battle so I stopped the fight.
I think he's shameful of his own behavior and knows deep down that he'll continue this behavior. He's in therapy, but evidently it isn't working. I'm so torn. We've been together two years and it was amazing. He would've walked to the ends of the earth for me. Yet, on some level he's still selfish.
Who knows what they think and feel. It really does not good to speculate. Therapy only works if the person genuinely wants to change and takes things seriously. Some people have been in therapy for years with little or no progress. It is like they go to have somebody to talk to and listen to them rather than do anything different.
I don't want him to feel abandoned but he created situations in which I had no choice. Everything was perfect while I was living close to him. But, I graduate and came back home. So we've been doing long distance. In that time frame, he's been "cheating" on websites and there may be more that I don't know of.
At some point, you have to realize that they will feel abandoned no matter what you do. To them it is out of sight out of mind. If you are not there to give them constant attention and affection, they get sidetracked by other stuff.
I think after the Craigslist account he knew the relationship would never fully recover. I wish he could understand that if he built a pattern of trust, I would have begun to trust him and not felt so insecure.
That is beyond their ability to understand. I have been with my husband for almost 18 years and he still doesn't grasp that concept that in order for me to trust him he has to be trustworthy. That means keeping his word in all that he does and if he is unable to keep his word it should be for a good reason. "I forgot" or "I didn't think about it" is not good enough. But, every time we went through those little cycles I would get upset and he would talk me out of being upset. He would promise me the moon and act like a whipped little puppy. He would act so blasted sorry and would be really eager to make things better. If I would push too hard, he would get upset and imply that I was being demanding. Now that it has been almost 18 years I tell him, "I have given you how much time and you haven't really made any real change." Oh, he will change for a while but he seems to slip back into old patterns after a bit.
I don't know how to handle him at this point. I always used to be in control and he would always run back.
Relationships don't work when one person is control. It doesn't matter who it is. A relationship should be two people working together as partners.
This time, it's like he's on to the next one. Although, she's a downgrade. Maybe she'll be less controlling and he'll be able to keep up his facade for a longer period of time. I don't understand how he turned the situation back onto me this morning. "I don't want to go through it again." Go through what? You cheated. You lied. Sure, I may have "mothered" you a bit. But, look where it got you. A complete 180 from the old person you used to be and much better off. I had faults. I'll admit that. But, I never would've handled them in such an immature manner. I didn't want to stop trying.
I don't quite know how my husband has managed to turn himself into the victim either. It is like he has forgotten the first 15 or 16 years together where I busted my butt trying to be the perfect wife. Now that I am fed up, he is acting like he doesn't understand what went wrong and why I am being so mean and thoughtless towards him.
He has the emotional development of someone much younger, so how can I effectively communicate my feelings? Should I continue to try and keep the contact open or is that only leading him into the arms of another?
You can't effectively communicate your feelings. From my own experiences and from what I have read here, I don't think they are capable of understanding other people's feelings. They are too self centered. Only you can answer whether or not you want to keep the contact open. You need to read here and look through the lessons so that you will be a little bit more aware of the possible ramifications of keeping the contact open. As far as whether or not something will lead him into the arms of another, nobody knows. Heck, he probably doesn't know from one day to the next.
