How to deal with abandonment

[jo19854]

Hi all, This is not a easy thing to explain and i cant even keep it short, so much happened.

My wife left me without warning 8 months ago. I am dutch and we got married 2 years ago in Holland and we lived here. She's from USA. We had to fight court batlles to be together. It's a long story. I don't even know if i am dealing with borderline.

We know eachother for 12 years. In 2006 she relapsed on alcohol. She has children in USA. Two younger ones (20's) and two older (30's). The younger kids were taken away from here after living in Holland for a while. We lost a court case and they were sent back to USA. Thats when the drinking started again. In 2008 she visited her family and I had to pick her up after a car crash.

She went in rehab in USA in 2009 and begged me to pick her up agin in 2010. I got her in a specialised hospital in Holland where she almost died in march 2010, but she managed. Things got better and even so well that we married in 2012. We shared same interests and were doing great.

In the meantime she needed surgery on her legs, foot and galblatter, i nursed her and financilly took care of everything including her child support and all the trips from her kids to Holland.

In 2013 she needed a chemo therapy of 48 weeks for Hep C. She got down and silent. Never complained but apathic and i guess depressed. It was hard. The doctors told me its normal and comes with the treatment.

Also in that same year 2 babies were born from the 30 year old daughters.

I did the Household, gardening, cleaning, laundry, groceries, everything and driving to the hospital 2 times a week on top of my work.

3 weeks after the (succesfull) treatment was finished I come home and i found a note.

The note was short "I am leaving you and all of this, you will see this is the best way, the only way for me, thank you for everything".

That's the last thing i ever saw and heard from her.

I cannot find her, the only info i have is that she stayed at her older daughters place and watching the baby after leaving me.

No one from her family answers the Phone or talks to me, not even the younger children who knew me since they were about 7 years old. she doesnt respond to email, i have no information about why, no closure.

I am struggling and I cannot understand her behaviour, she just abandoned me after saving her life two times, I gave all I had in me. Just before she left she said she suffered PTSD. I have no clue where she got that info.

I court in 2005 she admitted she had abandonment issues from neglect and child abuse.

She once told me she was diagnosed passive agressive, i recognise that.

I try to accept that she left, but the ongoing struggle of no closure, no information and leaving me like this is what i don't understand.

My parents are in their 80's and helped and nursed her too. She left her dog behind knowing I have to go to work.

She didnt contact them nor my sister who more a kind of a friend to her.

I am traumatized, but the event is not finished, because I don't know if I ever will hear from her or see her again.

Thanks for taking your time, any advice how to deal with this unresolved situation and ongoing pounding in my head is greatly aprreciated.   My native language is not English I am sorry.

Hope to hear from you

Jo

[sweetheart]

Hello Jo, 

What a really sad post to read, you have been through such a lot. I don't really know what to advise you on, as it is so difficult that you are in different countries and all attempts at contact have failed.

Not knowing why something has happened, or what you could be doing to find answers must leave you feeling very hopeless and confused. It is confusing and stressful being left without answers.

You mentioned your parents, what other means of support do you have, who else is there for you?

Try and go on living your life, go to work, keep up with your regular daily routines. This will hopefully help you regain a focal point each day. Get as much support as you can for how this has left you feeling and try and start taking some small steps to moving through what has happened. I'm sorry that I couldn't offer more constructive things to help you sort this. Take really good care of yourself.

[jo19854]

Thank you Sweetheart for your reply.

My parents are there for me, my dad is done with it all.

My wife even detoxed once at thier home and he drove her to the hospital many times.

My mom is 81 and she misses my wife, she is a good listener.

But I don't want to put all my problems on their neck.

My sister can't deal with it anymore, i understand.

My very good friends support me, but i am home alone thats so difficult.

I go to work, keep everything clean and try to walk, read and all kind of things.

It's the not knowing, the loss, the emptyness, no one saw this coming and everybody is in shock.

Allthough there are reasons enough I just cant get angry on her, i think its called unconditional love.

I have to admit that the way i'm treated is cold while i always cared for her welbeing.

Not one question is asked if i manage, not one thank you specified.

It's not only her leaving me this way, its also her lack of giving any explanation, not anything about our marriage, not asking how i manage with the dog, just nothing. How is someone able to do that. And why has no one from her family the decency to ask me anything knowing i saved their mothers live.

It's painfull and traumatising. In the meantime i do my best to survive.

I am very gratefull for your reply, thanks you so much

Jos

[Recooperating]

Hi Jos,

What a sad story and how confusing it must all be for you. I cant imagine how you must feel.

Are you getting help from a professional? A therapist or something? That could really be helpfull.

Its amazing to me how her family ignores you and do not have the decency to talk or explain things to you. It sounds like you gave it your all and more and they dont give you the respect or appreciation for it. On the other hand, you dont know what you're wife has told them. She could have painted you black and she told them lies about you and how you treated her. She could have triangluate you, you being the persecutor, she the victim and the family the rescuers. She could have manipulated her family and with this false information they ignore you and take her side. Who knows whats going on in her mind, who knows why she did what she did. Its almost impossible to make sense of a disordered mind.

The bad news is, you have no control over her behavior. There is no easy fix for this. The only thing you own is your own behavior now. She is giving you the silence treatment. So you now need to take care of yourself. Keep coming here, post your story, your thoughts, your pain.

Unlike family and friends we all understand your pain and how confusing this all is. We wont get sick of it!

I wish you lots of strenght, wisdom and clarity.

Veel sterkte! Groetjes,

Recoop

[jo19854]

Hi Recoop,

Thank you so much for your answer.

I will work on myself but stop searching for my part in this.

Victimizing her self, maybe, i don't know.

Her previous partners were abusive and dominant, thats what she used to say.

I knew one off them who admitted it himself.

He was nice to me, he told me my wife found her angel after so many years.

Of course I was flattered, but for me he was an honest person. He admitted he became a better person and desreved being left by my wife at that time.

But just like all the other things that happened in our relationship (sometimes even bizar coincedences) he died on the same day I wanted to contact him last April. He was my only chance of contact.

Anyway, i cannot control anything and I dont want to.

The serenity prayer of Alanon is what keeps me going.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference"

I hope that one day I'll hear from her.

Thank you so much again.

I saw you ending in Dutch thats my native language

Jos

[Bak86]

Goed om te zien dat hier meer Nederlanders zitten

Sad story! It will get better with time. Try to accept that you will never get closure. Just take your time to read on this forum, will put everything into perspective!

[jo19854]

Hello Bak,

Certainly nice to hear from you.

I will see what will happen, time will tell.

Preparing for the worst is the best i can do.

It's strongly depending on the underlaying problem, I know both PTSD and Borderline can cause these situations.

Since we fought in court for 3 years trying to be together, having a long distance relationship and never had a fight it puzzles me.

But as everybody adviced me, and they are right about, it's me now.

Thanks so much.

Jos, groeten uit NBrab

[jo19854]

Hi, i really have to admit i am devestated by what happened.

We never had a fight or a quarrel and after a year of chemo she just started to open up a bit.

Then suddenly gone. Anyway, i found an article on the internet that covers a lot and describes what i am facing after 8 months.

I am glad to share this with you all and happy with the warm and understanding words i receive.

Well, i copied and pasted this... .

Spousal abandonment occurs when a marriage breakup is initiated by one partner (the leaver) suddenly and without warning as perceived by the other partner (the leavee). Often these relationships are long term (10 or more years) and have the outward appearance of having a long and happy future ahead of them. Before the breakup, the leavee together with friends and family may consider the marriage to be generally normal. Such breakups are also known as "sudden endings." 

Since marriage involves multiple dimensions -- identity, trust, family, spirituality, community and law in addition to expectations about the future, dreams, planning and investments both emotional and financial -- suddenly abandoned spouses sometimes describe their loss as being even more painful than the death of a loved one.

Sudden abandonment without just cause involves a leaver's deceit, betrayal, the breaking of solemn vows, a lack of concern for the welfare of the leavee, and most frequently a lack of remorse.

Abandoned spouses grieve deeply and experience a range of emotions including anger, loss of trust, fear, anxiety and depression over long periods of time. The timeline for "leavees" to heal from sudden endings is typically longer than that for mutual breakups, and many times longer than the readjustment time needed by "leavers."

Support for suddenly abandoned spouses is severely lacking in society at large and in the psychological help community. The depth and complexity of injury is frequently underestimated by friends, family and helping professionals who may not understand that abandoned spouses have a great deal more to handle than either the abandoning spouse or partners of a mutual marriage breakup...

While good friends, family and even churches can offer support for a time, most abandoned spouses find themselves continuing to have trouble over a period of years while receiving advice which is both unhelpful and inappropriate -- such as, "It's time to just get over it. You've got to move on with your life," or, "You must have done something. After all, it takes two to break up a marriage," or, "There are always two sides to a story."

In fact, it does take two to make a marriage work. But it only takes one to destroy it. It's not that poor advice or contextually demeaning platitudes are badly intended; it's just that most people don't understand the depth, scope or complexity of such an event.



Thank you for reading

Jos

[blissful_camper]

Hi Jos,

Your story is so sad.  I can imagine how devastating this must be for you.

You mentioned that her going through chemo may have triggered her.  A major illness can make one feel pretty vulnerable.  That combined with opening up a bit seem like plausible trigger(s).  

You may find the posts by a member named "2010" helpful.  His posts paved the way for my healing and moving forward.  

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  We're glad that you're here, and I hope you will continue posting.  

Here's the link to posts by "2010."  There's lots of reading (80 pages).  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts

[jo19854]

Hi Blissful, when i click the link i get this message;

"Many apologies, but you can't view just any profile."

Have you any idea how i can solve this?

Hug,

Jos

[Pingo]

Hi Blissful, when i click the link i get this message;

"Many apologies, but you can't view just any profile."

Have you any idea how i can solve this?

Hug,

Jos

I believe you need a minimum number of posts to read someone's profile, 10 I think.  Try accessing the link again now that you have 10 posts.

[jo19854]

Thank you so much, it worked!   I could read a lot and it helps me very much

Jos

[jo19854]

The bad news is, you have no control over her behavior. There is no easy fix for this. The only thing you own is your own behavior now. She is giving you the silence treatment. So you now need to take care of yourself. Keep coming here, post your story, your thoughts, your pain.

Unlike family and friends we all understand your pain and how confusing this all is. We wont get sick of it!

9 months she's gone now, still didn't hear a single word. I sent a short email last week (the first one after 4 months) but no reply

I know nothing, no reason, no closure , if i never existed.

All her stuff is here, also personal belongings from before i met her.

I take care of her dog.

We are married and she left a note. One of the sentences

"You will see this is the best way, the only way for me"."Thank you for everything"

It's driving me crazy, I just don't understand

Jos

[blissful_camper]

The bad news is, you have no control over her behavior. There is no easy fix for this. The only thing you own is your own behavior now. She is giving you the silence treatment. So you now need to take care of yourself. Keep coming here, post your story, your thoughts, your pain.

Unlike family and friends we all understand your pain and how confusing this all is. We wont get sick of it!

9 months she's gone now, still didn't hear a single word. I sent a short email last week (the first one after 4 months) but no reply

I know nothing, no reason, no closure , if i never existed.

All her stuff is here, also personal belongings from before i met her.

I take care of her dog.

We are married and she left a note. One of the sentences

"You will see this is the best way, the only way for me"."Thank you for everything"

It's driving me crazy, I just don't understand

Jos

Learn as much as you can about BPD, Jos.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I can only imagine how heartbreaking and confusing this must be for you.  

Were there any other clues in her note that might provide insight, or even some closure for you?

Closure and answers may need to come from within you.  The way out of the pain and confusion is through it.  Keep posting. We're here to listen.  

[Infared]

"It's not only her leaving me this way, its also her lack of giving any explanation, not anything about our marriage, not asking how i manage with the dog, just nothing. How is someone able to do that. And why has no one from her family the decency to ask me anything knowing i saved their mothers live.

It's painfull and traumatising. In the meantime i do my best to survive."

I know how much pain you are in Jo and I feel a lot of compassion for you. Our situations are much different and although my exBPD announced that she was leaving me and did so in one week she told me lie, after lie, after lie... Because of that I was very lost, hurt and confused and could get no closure.

The one thing I want to mention is that a person with BPD wants to control a situation they will lie to any and everyone without the slightest thought for others feelings.  My point is that you have no idea what she has told her children about the situation. She most likely told a bizarre story about youR relationship to get sympathy and to get them to act the way that she wants them to. That is what I went through. It is extremely painful to be on the other end of this behavior as you are left hurt and confused and trying to figure out what is happening.

All you can do is try to take care of you. It's very tough in the beginning but it does get better.

I have never had any of my questions answered and always faced lies and abusive behavior upon any attempt at a discussion of any kind. It is so bizarre... .it is as if a switch has been flipped and the person that you thought you knew and loved is gone, yet they are still alive and breathing. It's quite torturous. I found a good therapist, too... .to help me cope and understand and that helped a lot.

[Infared]

Jo... .it seems that the only person that someone with BPD is concerned about is themselves. That's it.

[jo19854]

Blissful and Infared, thanks for your reply.

This was her note;



I guess you can see I am leaving.

I am leaving you and all of this.

Please don't call any of my children, they have no answers for you.

I cant take the dog with me, i cant afford her right now.

You can email me.

I will give you an adress when i have one.

Thank you for everything

You will see this this is the best way, the only way for me.

Love, B... .

I emailed her, but i never got a reply.

I know she stays at her daughter watching the baby and visits AA every evening.(last info is 4 months old)

But that's all.

She had chemo last year, i guess she was depressed, maybe a relapse, and i do know that she doesnt talk about herself.

So borderline or Bipolar+depressed+medical induced relapse? I hav no clue.

Het older daughter won't inform me, they Always blamed me for what happened, i was never rude or angry, Always polite.

I saved their mothers life, i never got a thank you.

I just don't know what kind of underlaying problem i am dealing with anymore.

We never had a fight or argument and fought years side by side batlles in court for her future here.

Well, i will try to get in touch with someone who might be able to give info, but that person has a lot of problems herself.

Her husband and mother died recently. I will let you know.

Warm hugs for everyone, Jos (thats my real name)

[Recooperating]

A big hug for you Jos! Your story is brutal and I am so sorry there is still no reply from her. I cant imagine how broken you must feel.

All I can say is hang in there, take good care of yourself. You did not deserve this!

Keep posting, we're all here for you!

Liefs Recoop.