Neutralizing the endless stream of accusations

[SilentObserver]

Hello All,

I am a a relatively new member to these forums. My background of my situation is highlighted in the thread below:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=234295.0

My fiancee (who lives in India) is the one that is showing fairly clearly signs of BPD. I recently got an opinion from a former psychologist about my fiancee. He and I met last week to discuss some of her symptoms. I had to talk to him since no practicing clinical psychologist in the US will be willing to talk to me about someone they have not seen. This person says it is more than likely that my fiancee is suffering from BPD. She was meant to move over to the US in early 2015 to be with me. Her immigration petition is probably due for review within a month. I am wondering if I should cancel the petition before that.

Now, she continues to say "it is over" and sends me text messages almost everyday indicating that this was my fault and that my "behavior" drove her away and put an end to us. There appears to be no self-awareness whatsoever at her end and the blame seems to be focused exclusively on me. Is this normal for BPD sufferers? Furthermore, any thoughts on how this constant stream of accusations can be neutralized? It is quite aggravating and it does not create an environment in which the two of us can work through our issues. Thoughts? Ideas? Please do let me know. Thank you in advance!

[hattrick]

I am by no means an expert but... .

My exgf did the same things. Accused me of things I hadn't done. She was mad at me for things that she perceived that weren't reality. Basically it sounds to me like you (and I) were painted black. Everything you do is wrong in her eyes. The only thing you can really do is try to let the cycle run it's course and hope at some point she paints you back white. Just remember that when your white you can easily be painted black again at ANY time.

[SilentObserver]

I am by no means an expert but... .

My exgf did the same things. Accused me of things I hadn't done. She was mad at me for things that she perceived that weren't reality. Basically it sounds to me like you (and I) were painted black. Everything you do is wrong in her eyes. The only thing you can really do is try to let the cycle run it's course and hope at some point she paints you back white. Just remember that when your white you can easily be painted black again at ANY time.

Thank you so much for this. I guess the concern here is that there is literally nothing I can say to neutralize this. Is waiting for the cycle to end the only option? Furthermore, should I just "keep my distance" until that happens? Any input here would be supremely helpful. Thank you so much!

[Aussie0zborn]

When this cycle ends, another one soon starts. It' s a life of ups and downs should you choose this path. You can't change that, no matter how loving, attentive and caring you are and it doesn't get better just because you learn some coping techniques. You sound like a good man - why would you want to do this to yourself?

You are lucky she is in another country. Leave her there and move on. There's nothing wrong with having made a mistake like this - people will understand. What people wont understand is if you marry her, have children and then complain that she has abused you in the many ways that pwBPD often do.

[SilentObserver]

When this cycle ends, another one soon starts. It' s a life of ups and downs should you choose this path. You can't change that, no matter how loving, attentive and caring you are and it doesn't get better just because you learn some coping techniques. You sound like a good man - why would you want to do this to yourself?

You are lucky she is in another country. Leave her there and move on. There's nothing wrong with having made a mistake like this - people will understand. What people wont understand is if you marry her, have children and then complain that she has abused you in the many ways that pwBPD often do.

This pattern of the cycle starting and ending in quick succession was pronounced in August and that is probably what led to me to my reality check o the situation at hand. I never had any intentions of leaving her. I was in this for the long haul. I am actually visiting India in about 5 weeks. My mother lives there and my fiancee lives on the same street - so this is going to be very weird.

I just never wanted to be another layer of the tragedy that her life has been so far. I wanted her past to be a distant bad dream and it seems like she does not want a resolution - just more accusations towards me. Yesterday, she started saying things like "I behave like a loser" and that "I don't do enough". No one that knows me thinks of me as being arrogant or full of myself. Hence, I resent these type of accusations. It is becoming harder to keep my cool - and when my raise my voice, she accuses me of yelling and makes that the "front and center" issue. In a normal tone, she hits me with one offensive statement after the other and does so in the most condescending manner. It is very difficult to listen to. I want to turn this around but it feels like the inclination for that to happen is not mutual. Furthermore, there is an immigration petition that I have filed for her which is likely to get approved by the end of the month. I need to make a quick decision on canceling it. The implications of it getting approved and us not working out as a couple are significant.

Letting go is hard but it does not appear that she wants any resolution to this either - which makes things even harder. Walking away might be my only option - a heartwrenching option to say the least. Thank you so much for your input. It is so great to have a supportive community here.

[Samuel S.]

SilentObserver, since she is so bound and determined to be accusing you while you both are apart, you need to consider if she were to come to the US. It would only increase and not lessen. I am reminded of a girl I dated. We seemed to be very close. Yet, her negativity started to really come out. We went away for Valentine's Day for the weekend. It was nice at first, and she then resumed with her negativity on the last day of the getaway. So, I took her back to her place, and I never contacted her again. I thought if she is this way now, she will just be even worse, if we get married. So, SilentObserver, as much as it hurts and as much as you wish your relationship to work, she will only get worse. You have your own life to live, and I hope you find the woman of your life as time goes on. She just has to deal with herself and her own negativity. No matter what, you are only deserving of the best, and her negativity is only the worst!

[SilentObserver]

SilentObserver, since she is so bound and determined to be accusing you while you both are apart, you need to consider if she were to come to the US. It would only increase and not lessen. I am reminded of a girl I dated. We seemed to be very close. Yet, her negativity started to really come out. We went away for Valentine's Day for the weekend. It was nice at first, and she then resumed with her negativity on the last day of the getaway. So, I took her back to her place, and I never contacted her again. I thought if she is this way now, she will just be even worse, if we get married. So, SilentObserver, as much as it hurts and as much as you wish your relationship to work, she will only get worse. You have your own life to live, and I hope you find the woman of your life as time goes on. She just has to deal with herself and her own negativity. No matter what, you are only deserving of the best, and her negativity is only the worst!

Thank you so much Samuel! I truly appreciate the comment. I don't know why there is a lingering optimism even after the pain, anger, and humiliation I have been through in the last few months as I was preparing to go down the path of matrimony with this girl that I love dearly. But I guess you are right, unless something changes now, it is not going to get any better once she moves to the US to be with me - and at that point, the implications of a failed relationship are for more severe. I just want to make sure I handle this situation with as much as dignity as possible. Thank you once again.

[Samuel S.]

I understand and empathize with your mixed emotions and about the optimism. You love her. She has meant the world to you. Yet, she has made your life filled with negativity as well. I understand and empathize about the optimism, although I would suggest that it is more idealism, hoping against all odds that she will change. My counselor said of my BPDw that she will not change, and I am married to her. I also understand what you mean that if you were to have her come to the US, get married, and then you decide to get divorced due to her negativity. The same woman whom I mentioned earlier to you went to Australia, met and fell in love with an Aussie. They got married and moved to the US. Within a matter of a year or two, he started being really abusive. So, she ultimately divorced him, but he was now a US citizen. So, returning to your situation, while it is extremely unfortunate that you need to handle your situation gently and with dignity, it is better that she shows her negativity now instead of marrying her, then she becomes a US citizen, and you divorce her afterwards. No matter what, it is a rough situation when it comes to the heart and what you yearn for. Take care, my friend!