Trying To Make Sense of the Senselessness

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

A female friendship developed into a dating relationship over the course of about 8 months.  She is a single mother.  Her husband had cheated on her throughout their marriage with numerous affairs and was heavily into pornography.  He was deceitful, controlling and manipulating throughout their marriage.  She has been out of the relationship with her husband for some years now, with them both signing the divorce papers as an uncontested divorce.

She has been previously abused by her father, mother, step father, husband, as well as from other men who have raped her.  As a result of her past abuses she would have triggers from me in our relationship, with her fearing intimacy (closeness) with fears of losing herself in the relationship.  She ended up running away from me by breaking up with me via an email entitled "Goodbye" with a matching voice mail that was just as cold and harsh.  Her reasoning was that I was controlling her and the relationship and that she would no longer tolerate it.  This was the very first time that I had ever heard her address such an issue with me.  She immediately blocked me out from being able to communicate with her via telephone, text and email.  I have been in shock and numb with confusion from this devastating mistreatment and breakup by her.

She has not been diagnosed as having BPD, but she does recognize that her past abuse issues are causing present relationship difficulties and she has been actively seeking help through counselling and a healing retreat.  I fully believe this relationship will be restored to reconciliation.  

Any insights and words of wisdom are appreciated.

[Restored2]

A female friendship developed into a dating relationship over the course of about 8 months.  She is a single mother.  Her husband had cheated on her throughout their marriage with numerous affairs and was heavily into pornography.  He was deceitful, controlling and manipulating throughout their marriage.  She has been out of the relationship with her husband for some years now, with them both signing the divorce papers as an uncontested divorce.

She has been previously abused by her father, mother, step father, husband, as well as from other men who have raped her.  As a result of her past abuses she would have triggers from me in our relationship, with her fearing intimacy (closeness) with fears of losing herself in the relationship.  She ended up running away from me by breaking up with me via an email entitled "Goodbye" with a matching voice mail that was just as cold and harsh.  Her reasoning was that I was controlling her and the relationship and that she would no longer tolerate it.  This was the very first time that I had ever heard her address such an issue with me.  She immediately blocked me out from being able to communicate with her via telephone, text and email.  I have been in shock and numb with confusion from this devastating mistreatment and breakup by her.

She has not been diagnosed as having BPD, but she does recognize that her past abuse issues are causing present relationship difficulties and she has been actively seeking help through counselling and a healing retreat.  I fully believe this relationship will be restored to reconciliation.  

Any insights and words of wisdom are appreciated.

[Turkish]

Hello Restored2, and 

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but I am glad that you found us.

What you wrote about her past certainly seems traumatic to her. It's good that you realize the triggers. I think f it like "they brought this pain with them." You maybe want to soothe that pain,.but you don't know how. Understanding is the first step to healing a relationship, even though you feel pain by being so coldly cut off. At this point, all you may be able to do is wait,.even if that is frustrating. We can help you learn some techniques to help communicate with her, tools that help you understand validation, and also to help you step back and perhaps see how you may have been unwittngly triggering her. Take a look at the lesson, Choosing A Path in the right hand margin of this page.

Senior members here can support you, Restored2, and I hope to here more on how we can help.

Turkish

[Restored2]

Hello Turkish,

Thank you so very much for your sensitive and supportive response with encouraging words.  I really appreciate it.

I am totally open to "learn some techniques to help communicate with her", as you made mention of.  However, she has run away, cut off and blocked me out from being able to communicate with her other than via mail. 

Is there any advice to help open up the channels of communication between us again?

Restored2

[Turkish]

If you're thinking of crafting an email, I suggest learning some of the validation tools first (take a look at Lesson 3 in the lessons at the top of the Staying board). Resist the urge to pour your heart out to her. That would be you seeking validation, not validating her. You're sad, maybe even devastated, and we can give you that validation. For a pwBPD (person with BPD), it's about their emotions and triggers. "Normal" rules of logical engagement don't apply.

Early in my r/s, I was rubbing the back of her neck and she pulled away from me. I asked if I had hurt her. She said no, but that she didn't like it because it felt like I was trying to control her.  

For a pwBPD, feelings are facts. We often have to acknowledge their feelings first, no matter how odd or incorrect they seem, before making headway...

With yours, I'd excercise caution. If you do decide to reach out but she sets down clear boundaries to not contact her, be careful. You may have no choice but to let go. If she is focused on this undefined (at least as you have described it) "control" issue, she won't want to give up that power.

Turkish

[Restored2]

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for your advice, personal sharing and support.

She has blocked me from emails, phone and text.  Only mail / courier is viable.

All of this mistreatment has been devastating to me.  It is an undefined "control" issue that she holds over me, of me controlling her and the relationship.  It sounds like you know what it's like to be viewed as controlling by someone with BPD too.

When phoned her after 6 weeks of silence from her breaking up with me, she basically told me that she did not want to talk and quickly ended the call by saying; "Gotta go... .Talk with ya later... .".  It was as if we were going to talk again in 20 minutes.  She has told me to not contact her, but she has also told me that she was glad when I chased after her when she was pushing / running away from me before and that she wants to be pursued.  It's all very confusing to me as to what she really wants or how I should respond.

If she is given enough space to feel in control and power, what does it usually take for someone like her to come around to initiate contact for relationship reconciliation?

[Turkish]

This is tough! I only "recycled" once. I was done, ready to move on, desperately trying to find a new place to live. Then I got the text at work, "if you loved me, wouldn't you fight for me?" She broke up with me!

As for what it takes for her to come around, that is hard to say (sorry). If she does, learn the communication tools in order to open up a dialog without hopefully triggering the "run" message in her mind.

You could certainly mail her a letter, but how would you feel if t went unanswered, and for how long? I would say the best hope is of her unblocking you. Blocking is a pretty hard boundary which to cross...

[Restored2]

Wow... .That's quite the text you received at work.  Do they really want us to chase after and fight for them.  If so, then how are we expected to do that with so many mixed messages?

Thanks for steering me in the direction of learning the communication tools.  This is helpful.

I have already mailed her a heartfelt letter that validated both of us.  It was gracious and supportive of me being here for her with unconditional love. 

[maxen]

hi Restored2 and i too say 

you are in a very confusing situation. there are some elements of it that i can sympathize with:

Her reasoning was that I was controlling her and the relationship and that she would no longer tolerate it.  This was the very first time that I had ever heard her address such an issue with me.

my stbxw's reason was that the "marriage has left me broken." while i was mortified to hear that, it was the first time she had ever expressed anything in that range. only once before had she formally said she was even unhappy - in an email sent during the work day.

you are not alone. we have posters here who have seen BPD from every angle. i hope you will follow Turkish's direction to the lessons on the Staying board. please look especially at this one: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN).

i have to say you're handling this with great patience. i certainly didn't react so generously after my d-day!

[Restored2]

Hi maxen,

Thank you for your encouraging and supportive response. 

You obviously can sympathize with me from your own personal experiences from being married.  I can now sympathize with you too.

I have been checking out the lessons on the boards and will continue with the one that you suggested.

With God's strength, I'm trying the best I can amidst the circumstances.  Some days are better than others for me.