leaving but still unsure

[jadedcat]

I'm leaving this weekend. My wife is BPD. She had run away this winter for four months and came back for the summer, saying she was intent on making this relationship work. But I'm miserable. So are my two children from my first marriage, who have pretty much stayed away from our home since her return (they had been on alternating week on/off schedules with my ex prior).

My close friends and therapist all agree that a separation is what I need.

My wife feels our relationship problems stem from my inability to communicate. Her depression is a given, something she has. Her BPD is denied.

But leaving is so hard. She is broken up about it - alternating between very angry and then weeping.

And when she and I talk, I feel myself feeling undermined and I begin to wonder if I am making this all seem worse than it really is, if I am just too weak to deal with this "normal" relationship.

My therapist and best friend term what she does to me as emotional abuse, but when my wife and I talk, I wonder if I am just making that up. In our talks, she can easily explain her behaviors so that they seem normal.

My getting to this point has gotten her to finally see a therapist again. My hope is that a six-month separation will allow me time to stabilize my own self and hopefully allow her to begin to address her issues, so that we can more clearly decide whether we get back together or not. But she alternates between saying that she cannot do this, cannot just put her own life on hold while I figure myself out. She has needs, she says, and asks if I expect her to remain celibate. She'll say this separation is really the end for us. The next day, she'll say she is still committed to making this work and asks if there is anything short of me moving out, if we can somehow live together peacefully.

But if I do that, my children will continue to stay away.

So, I'm trying to remain committed to moving out. Her friends and family are angry at me. I don't think most of them have any idea  she is BPD. They just see me leaving.

This all sucks.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jadedcat, I have been in your shoes, my friend, and understand how hard it is.  You're right, it sucks.  Yet only those who have been in a BPD r/s can really understand what it is like behind closed doors.  You are lucky to have close friends and a T who care about you.  Those w/BPD, in my view, are experts at manipulation.  From what you are saying, your W is pulling the levers by asking if you expect her to be celibate or put her life on hold.  It's easy to second guess yourself when lost in the F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  No, I doubt that you are making it sound worse than it really is.  In fact, you are probably downplaying what is really happening for fear that others will be shocked at what you are putting up with.  I'm not here to tell you what to do, for only you know the right path, but I strongly encourage you to focus on what is right for you and your children.

Lucky Jim

[jadedcat]

I signed the lease yesterday. Came home last night to her in really sad, tearful state. Soon the venom started. I'm a f**king imbecile. she f**king hates my guts, etc. She will easily speak for an hour on my failures, and on my abandonment of her. I am a wreck, a hollowed, fragile wreck who easily is convinced that this is all my fault. My best friend went to a day-long seminar at his workplace on domestic abuse. The presenter recounted a series of stories which each illustrated a different example of domestic emotional abuse. When the presenter finished, my friend says he was in tears with the realization that each example the presenter had recounted was something I had told him about my relationship with my wife. He says he fears for my safety. And I really don't know anymore if it is that bad or if it is just me making things appear worse.

I feel like i have tried for years to make this work and to be there to support her during her depression and hospitalizations, but she always told me she doubted my love for her, and last night said she should have trusted her instincts about me.

I may be broke after this, financially and emotionally, but I feel the separation is a must.

[Lucky Jim]

I really don't know anymore if it is that bad or if it is just me making things appear worse.

Hey jadedcat, Yes, it probably is that bad and I doubt you're making things appear worse than they are.  The venom you describe is to be expected and comes with the territory.  The thing about venom and other poisons is that they only work internally; in other words, if you don't "ingest" the poison, so-to-speak, it is harmless.  From what you are saying, it seems like a separation might help you sort out what is right for you, even if it means some short-term emotional and financial setbacks.

Lucky Jim

[vortex of confusion]

And I really don't know anymore if it is that bad or if it is just me making things appear worse.

Sending you a great big hug! 

I have asked myself that question a million times. One day I will see the abuse and have feelings of despair and the next day I will try to talk myself out of it and normalize and try to convince myself that I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

I feel like i have tried for years to make this work and to be there to support her during her depression and hospitalizations, but she always told me she doubted my love for her, and last night said she should have trusted her instincts about me.

I have been there. I have supported my husband as much as humanly possible but he has rarely been there for me when I have needed support. We have to quit second guessing ourselves. It does no good.

If you feel a separation is a must, then do it. Surround yourself with people that will encourage you and keep you from getting sucked back down the rabbit hole. That is the most difficult thing for me. Because we still live together, it is so easy to try to normalize things and doubt myself. I have been hanging out on the leaving board so that I am not tempted to go back to thinking that I will be able stay for the long term.

[allenv3]

I'm in almost the exact situation.  I so empathize with you.  I just recount all the times I've been made to feel horrible.  It makes no sense does it?  This is the reason I'm heavily leaning on the leaving side. Mine is W is udx and probably always will be because she is high functioning.

Just realize there are literally millions of people going through what we are going through and try to educate yourself with all the resources that are here.

Hang in there. 

[jadedcat]

Well, I left. Bunch of friends and my kids helped us move out. Cried a lot Saturday and Sunday.

I'm a sucker for nostalgia and I've been remembering the good things between us, and having a hard time remembering all the bad. Also feeling very guilty that I am no longer there to take care of her. I'm worried that her depression may get worse and I won't be there to help her.

This will be a long process. I don't know where to will lead. Perhaps the doctor and therapist she has started seeing will be helpful. Perhaps we will try again. Perhaps we are done.

I'm trying hard to breathe deeply. But I also deeply feel the loss of this huge part of my life.

It's a struggle. But I'm walking the path.

[ugghh]

Jadedcat,

Congratulations on making the move.  Believe it or not it does get better.   One thing I have learned about kids over the years, they are a lot smarter than we adults sometimes give them credit for.  Your kids love you, but they chose to stay away from a toxic relationship that harmed not only them, but you, their dad that they love and care about.

Don't sit around all evening and mope about.   Rediscover something that you enjoy and make yourself busy with that.  For me it was making repairs to the old rental home I moved into.  Off and on I would just dig into a project that required a lot more physical muscle than mental muscle.  It was a nice respite.

I also suggest that you read or re-read the Lessons stickied at the top of the leaving board, particularly number 2 on the 10 Beliefs That Can Get us Stuck.  Especially number 9 - Belief that you need to stay to help them.  But all the lessons are good.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jadedcat, Give yourself credit for making a change.  I admire your courage.  I predict that, over time, it will be a change for the better.  Try to acknowledge your feelings of guilt and then let them go.  You are not responsible for another adult's happiness.  You may find yourself to be pleasantly surprised by how nice it is to live without constant drama.  Your stress level is likely to go way down.  Return the focus to your needs and goals, and what you want out of life.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[jadedcat]

Thanks for the support. It helps.

She sends me emails and texts daily. Usually one says she will not be in contact with me for some lengthy period of time. She is quite angry and maintaining that this definitely means divorce. I hope she's getting support. I guess I don't really care what friends think at this point - I did what I needed to for myself and for my kids.

[ugghh]

Going through this process - you will find who are your true friends.