New and in need of support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all!

I'm new to this group and definitely need the support.

Been in a relationship with a male BPD individual for 4.5 years. He recently started meeting with a counselor and a psychiatrist and starts DBT in early December, 2014. I'm hopeful he will get the help he needs. We've lived separately since March, 2013 due to escalating domestic violence that resulted in serious assaults at the end and his arrest and incarceration. I'm not really here to talk about domestic violence (very well versed in "the cycle" or justify why I've tried to tough it out. We are currently in Counseling together and I'm working on the "last chance" with him. 

It's the BPD that's most frustrating to me. I am a kind, thoughtful, patient individual by nature. In fact, I'm a social worker, so I've been highly trained to respect and understand where individuals are coming from and supporting them through their challenges. However, we should not be counselors and therapists to our significant others. If anything, I've become a maternal figure, saving and fixing and filling all the emotional needs and gaps for my sign. Other.  Which he has loved and fought against from the start of all the problems.

Things are to the point I'm exhausted, I'm depressed, I'm in Counseling and I've developed a binge eating issue. Everything has been about him for years. His feelings, his needs, people hurting him and him being a victim of the world. His pornography addiction, his inability to keep jobs, his inability to "tell the truth" and do anything besides avoidant behaviour (all day video game binges etc). He can't get enough time with me, Enough attention and affection, enough validation and pats on the head. He's triangulated me against his mother (which was easy as her neglect and abuse has all but caused his disorder), his friends, his therapist, etc and he has done the same in turn about me behind my back. It's been a living nightmare for atleast the last 1.5 years and on and off for the three before it.  He tells me he is afraid of me and as such can't discuss things in the relationship that upset him and won't talk to me because every second if every day, he's afraid I'll leave him. He's so desperate I'm leaving he bottles everything up which has in the past resulted in physical violence and now just  hours of crying and begging and childish tantrums.  I continue to feel contempt for him as he presents as so weak, nothing "manly" about him at all and he is so reliant and needy while bringing almost nothing to the relationship for me and my support. I know its BPD but I have needs that are unimportant unless it fulfills one of his.

Yes, first glance likely screams "leave him". Begs the questions, why do I stay, whats wrong with me (obviously I've become codependent and must have self esteem issues) and what am I even getting out of this relationship. Ill be honest. I ask myself that daily so I couldn't answer at this point if you asked. I hate that everything he does now grates on my nerves.  I've distanced myself from him, have been seeing friends again and taking care of myself but he still creeps back in. Always. And I can't recharge.

I used to look at him on awe. So sensitive. So in touch with his emotions. So thoughtful, so sweet, so intelligent and interesting and funny. Now it takes everything not to tell him he's a waste of time. And sometimes I fail and am really cruel to him. And I don't like who I have become when I do.

I can't let go of the porn betrayal. The lying. The hiding.  The selfishness. Then I justify and berate myself because how can he help it?  It's his disorder. His horrible mother and awful upbringing. And the poor guy hasn't had a chance. It's him and I alone and against his demons. He can love me so deeply and when things  aren't "off the rails" he's wonderful.

Just read this intro. It's scattered and full of anger and hate and dysfunction and a desperate hope for something better for him and I and us. This is yet another awful part... .I feel out of control, I feel crazy myself with a scrambled brain and confusion where I used to be so logical, calm and patient. I feel insane. I am angry at him, angry at BPD, heartbroken that such a wonderful man can have such an affliction, then hating him the next minute for said affliction. I feel like I have BPD myself some days since my view of him also changes with his functioning that day and he can be a demon one second and an angel the next.

So my rambling, nonsensical intro... .I just need someone or everyone to tell me what this is. I know no one can decide for me what to do, but is there hope? Has anyone here made it through? What has worked, what hasn't?  Tell me your stories or tips so I just don't feel so alone and so insane any longer.

[macgirl75]

Hi all!

I'm new to this group and definitely need the support.

Been in a relationship with a male BPD individual for 4.5 years. He recently started meeting with a counselor and a psychiatrist and starts DBT in early December, 2014. I'm hopeful he will get the help he needs. We've lived separately since March, 2013 due to escalating domestic violence that resulted in serious assaults at the end and his arrest and incarceration. I'm not really here to talk about domestic violence (very well versed in "the cycle" or justify why I've tried to tough it out. We are currently in Counseling together and I'm working on the "last chance" with him. 

It's the BPD that's most frustrating to me. I am a kind, thoughtful, patient individual by nature. In fact, I'm a social worker, so I've been highly trained to respect and understand where individuals are coming from and supporting them through their challenges. However, we should not be counselors and therapists to our significant others. If anything, I've become a maternal figure, saving and fixing and filling all the emotional needs and gaps for my sign. Other.  Which he has loved and fought against from the start of all the problems.

Things are to the point I'm exhausted, I'm depressed, I'm in Counseling and I've developed a binge eating issue. Everything has been about him for years. His feelings, his needs, people hurting him and him being a victim of the world. His pornography addiction, his inability to keep jobs, his inability to "tell the truth" and do anything besides avoidant behaviour (all day video game binges etc). He can't get enough time with me, Enough attention and affection, enough validation and pats on the head. He's triangulated me against his mother (which was easy as her neglect and abuse has all but caused his disorder), his friends, his therapist, etc and he has done the same in turn about me behind my back. It's been a living nightmare for atleast the last 1.5 years and on and off for the three before it.  He tells me he is afraid of me and as such can't discuss things in the relationship that upset him and won't talk to me because every second if every day, he's afraid I'll leave him. He's so desperate I'm leaving he bottles everything up which has in the past resulted in physical violence and now just  hours of crying and begging and childish tantrums.  I continue to feel contempt for him as he presents as so weak, nothing "manly" about him at all and he is so reliant and needy while bringing almost nothing to the relationship for me and my support. I know its BPD but I have needs that are unimportant unless it fulfills one of his.

Yes, first glance likely screams "leave him". Begs the questions, why do I stay, whats wrong with me (obviously I've become codependent and must have self esteem issues) and what am I even getting out of this relationship. Ill be honest. I ask myself that daily so I couldn't answer at this point if you asked. I hate that everything he does now grates on my nerves.  I've distanced myself from him, have been seeing friends again and taking care of myself but he still creeps back in. Always. And I can't recharge.

I used to look at him on awe. So sensitive. So in touch with his emotions. So thoughtful, so sweet, so intelligent and interesting and funny. Now it takes everything not to tell him he's a waste of time. And sometimes I fail and am really cruel to him. And I don't like who I have become when I do.

I can't let go of the porn betrayal. The lying. The hiding.  The selfishness. Then I justify and berate myself because how can he help it?  It's his disorder. His horrible mother and awful upbringing. And the poor guy hasn't had a chance. It's him and I alone and against his demons. He can love me so deeply and when things  aren't "off the rails" he's wonderful.

Just read this intro. It's scattered and full of anger and hate and dysfunction and a desperate hope for something better for him and I and us. This is yet another awful part... .I feel out of control, I feel crazy myself with a scrambled brain and confusion where I used to be so logical, calm and patient. I feel insane. I am angry at him, angry at BPD, heartbroken that such a wonderful man can have such an affliction, then hating him the next minute for said affliction. I feel like I have BPD myself some days since my view of him also changes with his functioning that day and he can be a demon one second and an angel the next.

So my rambling, nonsensical intro... .I just need someone or everyone to tell me what this is. I know no one can decide for me what to do, but is there hope? Has anyone here made it through? What has worked, what hasn't?  Tell me your stories or tips so I just don't feel so alone and so insane any longer.

[momtara]

All of your feelings are perfectly normal and reasonable.  I was where you are, and at about the same point of the relationship.  Most of all, I remember feeling frustarted that someone who can be so wonderful and sweet can also turn so cruel.  Yes, it is the disorder and he never had a chance. 

Is there a chance it could work?  Well, the people for whom it has worked are not on this board, so you're looking at a skewed sample.  It's possible if he committed to weekly (or more) DBT, agreed not to use certain angry phrases, etc., it might be possible.  You'd have to see how much you can take.

Leaving is hard.  So is staying.  Neither decision is easy.  It's good you're giving it a last chance so you know if it can work.

I ended up getting divorced, but I also had little kids to worry about.  There are still times i hope ex can change and things can be normal, but they never were.

Did you have mentally ill relatives growing up?  Are you co dependent?

[macgirl75]

In my rambling post, I did touch on codependency. I don't have any relatives with mental health issues that I'm "aware" of, but certainly suspect some. There are cognitive delays in my family though.

If I had to look at family and why I'm behaving this way, I would point to my mother (don't we all, thanks Freud hehe). My mother had a poor relationship with her mother. She felt rejected and to this day still complains about abuse at home as well as favouritism with her four sibs. She's been a type A personality as long as I can remember. Always has to be right, alway has to be the best, even to the point she competed with me. Started my in piano when I was 7... .she started guitar the same time and for the next 8 years it was a comparison of who was better, who won more competitions etc. Always was happy when I did well in school but compared my marks to hers. When I went to highschool, she went to university. All talk was about her school. She'd only ask about line as a spring board to talk about herself. Then when I went to university at 24, she went back. More comparisons. I graduated 8 years later with two degrees, she already had two and was on the deans list. When I worked when my daughter was young (took a break from university), she helped babysit, which changed to her "raising" my daughter. She didn't. But I wasn't a good enough mother to her and she just wanted to rub it in my face. I've been a better mother in my daughter's 19 years than she has in my 39. So she atleast had very low self esteem and "mommy" issues of her own. And now here I sit, having to succeed at every thing because of this sense I was never good enough to her either. Thanks mom.  I won't even go into my delayed brother and the neglect I experienced when she focused on him, showed him kindness, didn't compete with him, was his biggest cheerleader etc... .don't get me wrong, I love him and don't resent the attention. He needed it. Still does. Bug that doesn't mean she had to treat me so poorly either.

I will say that atleast I am aware of all this, am working on this and never, NEVER compete with my daughter. In fact we have open dialogues about this and any issues to ensure our relationship is and remains healthy and open.

Where is comes to me SO, the porn addiction did me in there. I think the comparison made me feel inadequate, much like my mother had for many years. Besides the things he was watching were pretty disturbing. It started off small with me expressing my distain. As I began to realize the extent of the collection, the lengths he would go to keep it, hide it, indulge in it (no job, watching and collecting porn all day while I worked to support us), I became, but by bit, obsessed with wiping it from our lives. I made myself into judge, jury, executioner, therapist, police and probation officer on the subject. Big mistake. Addiction doesn't work that way. It made the lies worse and the tug of war unwinable. And bang... .codependent.

I know superficially, seems like I'm drifting from the BPD but this was just one small part of his thrill seeking and risky behaviour. He recognizes it now as his own version of self harm and walling himself up from real relationships he couldn't navigate. But the damage is done. He swears it's been gone a year. I can't shake it. Just one example of the big problem.  He's making changes, I'm stuck in his past. He's still on an emotional roller coaster to some extent but periodic fights like this don't help him.

I know the answer for me... .therapy. Need to squelch the binge eating. Figure out a way to forgive him and forgive myself for what I've put up with and what I've put him through. The guilt about my cruelty and the self indulgent pity for how poorly I've been treated. I've obviously been eating my pain and hurt and anger and guilt. Especially the anger that this is what I know have to deal with and that this is what I've become... .because I've been blaming his BPD for my codependency. It's just all soo unfair.  And I resent him for all the help he has bc he's BPD and that I just look like the nagging awful unsupportive SO and that I was too weak to fight off issues for myself now.

Argh. Longer rant. So sorry. Even now I feel guilty about going on and on about all this and feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. I feel needy myself now. This is going to take a lot of therapy hehe.

Thanks for listening though. It just feels weird to be able to get this all out without having to worry about everybody else.  

[whtjusthappened]

mac, I am in the thick of a long push pull episode that has lasted 7 months.  I was happy with my bf of ten years, until he went off the rails, started lying, cheating, painting me black and became someone I could barely recognize.  Like you, I am a trained clinical social worker and find it humiliating that I fell into the web of a BPD spider.  I still love him deeply, but he continues to pull me in, only to push me away almost immediately, like a frightened little boy afraid of his own shadow.  Intellectually, I know it's hopeless, but my heart is still so attached.  I feel for you deeply.  It is so hard, when you are a compassionate person that has learned by history to put other people's needs ahead of your own.  You fall pray to the lure of the BPD because you are not so quick to run when the red flags start going up, and they are very good at mirroring you and what you like... .a trap so easily to fall into.  Your situation sounds even worse than mine, and I hope you don't take that as an insult, but rather, an observation from the outside.  He doesn't sound like he is capable of providing you with an unencumbered life where you will grow or get any nurturing for yourself.  He will suck you dry until there is nothing left.  Please take care of yourself.

[LApak]

Omg!  I feel U are my twin!  I'm actually crying from reading UR words!   Girl, I don't know why I keep making excuses for him either. I love this man heart and soul.  He too has hurt me physically-  porn- he even texts escorts from back page AND continues to meet and call/ text I should say all the time.  He goes nuts, abuses me physically and mentally -  I don't know why U do it-  find the reason and please explain to me-  and the co dependant thing, I'm trying to work on me , maybe the. I will think rationally and run...   But God, that smile, his hugs and kisses... .it's like being hypnotized ... .I know I'm not much help, just wanted to comment Cuz it touched me. And I need some help with this crap we deal with too

[macgirl75]

Thank you ladies. I don't wish this on anyone but it does feel good to some extent knowing we are not alone. It's bringing me comfort.

I started therapy today. When my therapist was doing his "assessment" of what my issues are, he asked about my significant other. I only had to say "he has BPD" before the therapist gasped. He then went into a discussion with me about how even if therapy doesn't focus on that, he wants me to talk to him anytime about the issues. AND he wanted me to really think about the relationship and told me while he wouldn't tell me to stay or leave, he will challenge me to think if the relationship is really causing me more harm than good. That was scary.

Biggest thing he said when I told him I thought he was codependent was that ppl in relationships with BPD partners stop knowing how to take care of THEMSELVES. So I'm going to try to keep him out of my personal therapy as much as I can. Bc honestly, I don't remember what makes me happy anymore and what I should do for myself instead for a while. He did tell me it's going to be hard bc there is a draw in relationships like this. 

I'm hopeful this will work. We can't change them so why not try healing ourselves. I'll keep you posted if it works. God knows I've tried everything else.

Thanks again for all the kind words and thoughts. You are a great group of ppl!