What a Mess-PTSD?

[Hope0807]

Yeah so like who on here really needs another disorder term or acronym to deal with... .but I just did on a whim of frustration with myself... .So I just took an online PTSD quiz…feel like something is seriously wrong with me! 

I'm really and truly a mess.  I just am struggling so awfully to get UNSTUCK.  I'm wallowing, ruminating, crying, questioning, feeling extraordinarily haunted by memories good and bad, dying for this to pass - yet feeling like it never will!  Yes, I've explored meetup.com and will definitely go to one soon.  I've even updated my online dating profile - but truly know I'm not ready for any of that yet.  I used to love working out and the gym is waiting for me.  I WILL go…soon.  I know I'll feel better once I start going, I do know that.  I walk my dog 3 times a day and have a good job.  Most friends & coworkers are busy with life and kids.  I have none.  Although I left my uBPDexh in a world of hurt over not being able to move forward without at least a child to carry on with - - I am now extraordinarily grateful that I will not have that lifelong attachment to him.  At the time that I was leaving and grieving so much (including not having had a child) I did not know about his substance abuse, criminal behavior, or BPD…Whoa the mother load!

I distinctly remember WANTING to love him more than I actually did.  I distinctly remember feeling totally disgusted with him and and the life I felt stuck in.  WHY, then WHY am I struggling so much to celebrate this freedom?  Why am holding on to what I know now was an illusion?  It's pretty damn simple and sad…I was in love with his love for me.  There was a time his actions met his verbal declarations of love.  Those actions were small and even when I begged, he could not offer more.  It never came to fruition.  Empty, very empty promises.  I actually remember having a very deep conversation with him and later couldn't believe that I actually had to explain to a grown man that having a home, building a business and tending to a healthy marriage would at some point need him to do more than cook a meal here and there and make me coffee in the morning.  Although those gestures were loving and fairly consistent, our grown up lives required much, much more.  He sent flowers at the drop of a hat when serious apologies were required, and bought gifts with ease.  Little did I know then that those efforts were not only in his tiny of basket of "Could-do's" but also fit into the compulsive/impulsive spending of a classic BPD.  It was a combination of the child in him and the part of him that was a self-serving psycho.  It's so incredibly difficult to wrap my head around all of this. 

In that relationship I was incredibly lonely, dying to have genuine time to myself (away from his chaos), and constantly thought of a dozen things I would/could do to honor my soul…if I just had the chance.  So WHY am I sitting here like a wounded vegetable after being out of that house of horrors for months now?

[thatwasthat]

I feel genuinely sorry for your struggle.

I had a somewhat similar experience, maybe giving you my pov helps a bit.

back when I still was at my worst, I had numerous "reasons" for not being able to let go.

what you described reminds me of one of them. here's my take on it in hindsight.

I think, in retrospect I very well knew that I had to let go, although I loved her so very much.

the problem for me was... .i'm just not the type of guy that let's someone "hang" (i know... .ridiculous in that situation. she not only let me hang but she also effed me over in such a way that it almost destroyed my life - if not killed me.)

my thoughts were "all others have dropped her, but i am different. I'm not one of these people that fall out of love because the going gets tough."

on some level it was a conscious decision to stay stuck at times. there were moments I really thought "f**** that." but immediately the thought popped up that I was better than that.

I think I had a major conflict with my own values. values that were outmaneuvered and had been perverted by the sheer craziness of the situation. I don't know how to put it in words any better... .all these things are difficult to describe and are all intertwined.

the very values that are one of my core strength in a healthy relationship (even in a healthy breakup) had become one of my worst enemies.

I will spare you the things you already know yourself... .gym etc.

let me just say that it really helps tremendously. I'm now close to the best shape of my life, which helps so much with loving myself.

[Mutt]

Do you think you may have PTSD from the online test?

[Infern0]

I really wish I knew the answers.

I mean when I was in the relationship and things were good that was the happiest I'd been,  I was motivated,  optimistic,  it was like having a new lease on life really,  and we had plans we were working towards,  big stuff.

But ever since it ended,  I have come through the worst of the depression but I just can't replicate that energy and passion for life,  it's like it's just gone. And every day now is just a case of getting through the day and trying not to be as miserable.

The worst part is that we had a one night recycle recently and I know I shouldn't have done it but I did and I tell you what,  the depression lifted,  it was like she breathed life back into me and for one night I remembered what happiness felt like, I remembered hope,  I remembered fun,  then just gone.

Fortunately I seem to have processed it quite well and I'm not in absolute agony like before but I don't know I just can't see a way past this and I don't want the rest of my life to be like this,  just bored lonely and feeling like it's just an effort to get through the day.

I don't know what I'm going to do I really don't,  this has cost me a year of my life and I know even if truly this is it now and we don't recycle and I somehow find it in me to go NC and stick with it,  it's still going to take so long to fully recover.

It's ___

[willtimeheal]

Hope... .

I am stuck too.  I know I should be grateful and thankful I got out of that mess but I am haunted by memories. Why can't I remember the bad and not the good?  She nearly killed me and is still killing me but here I am stuck wanting her still. Hang in there.

[Sandman1881]

I think it may be because our lives with them were so unpredictable and we never really knew what was coming next. I mean we did, but just denied it. Our lives with them were exciting, and we got much more than our monies worth. We miss that excitement. I know I do. We had a nice life together, but I was an arm for her and I was not in a position of power and wealth to keep up that fantasy. It was only logical that she move forward elsewhere. I was starting to catch on and working on my exit. She discovered this and it became a race to the finish. She got a head start with others, (lowlife), and I was trying to save my life from being taken.

We realize that regular peoples lives are relatively quiet with little in the was of excitement and volatility. Our lives with them were regularly packed with excitement and stormy at best. Makes for an interesting mind bending ride - while it lasts. Like a hit of drugs, feels great now, but when you come down - BAM! I miss it. But I just miss a mess. Life has something much better in store for me. I just have to pursue it. Not be pursued by this type of entertainment.

[Hope0807]

Great stuff bpdfamily, thank god for this forum!

Sandman,

Yes!  There was something addictive about that chaos and negativity.  It and they were our drug and now it's time to rewire our brains after we've given ourselves enough knowledge about how theirs are wired so different from ours.

willtimeheal,

Oddly enough, my relationship's scales were tipped in the bad memories department.  I threw up boundaries daily to try to deal with his constant chaos and lack of ability to fully function as a normal grown up.  He smashed right through them.  With all that, now when my brain replays those good memories - I have to tell myself it was all an illusion - wow!  Your username is appropriate…Time is our best friend and worst enemy in life.  I hope to start utilizing my time better, soon.  Thanks and you hang in there too! 

InfernO,

I read a lot on here about recycles.  I worry that you are giving your BPD more value than is fair.  A one night recycle with just about anyone can breath life back into us…temporarily.  That's the euphoria and brain chemicals responding.  Either way, glad to hear you feel you recovered well - but there's more truth within the rest of what you wrote.  I have no desire to recycle and wouldn't if he offered to pay my bills for the next 10 years.  He's just not worth everything I've already given him and lost.  The only reason I'm not completely NC is because the house he still occupies needs to be sold and my name removed from the mortgage.  Ugh.

Mutt,

Yes, the online test revealed a number in the higher rankings and noted "PTSD likely".  It wasn't a surprise.  Early on in my "shattering" phase (which I still feel like I'm retreating back to some days) I couldn't wrap my head around the intensity of what was happening…I was relieved to read that it's common for BPD survivors to suffer from PTSD symptoms.  Now that I understand (but still SMH) about the BPD, I'm eager to fix ME.

thatwasthat,

I needed to hear that today.  I was just a short bit away from earning my group exercise fitness instructor certification when I met my ex.   I loved myself so much, and was indeed in the best shape of my life as well.  I seriously need to get back there.  Struggling to shake the feeling (at 40) that it's too late for everything.  I would want to shake anyone else saying that to me about themselves.  Aarggh!

[willtimeheal]

My relationship was exciting and awesome in the beginning. Towards the middle and end I fell into a deep depression. My thoughts needs and wants didn't matter at all. I realized the relationship was all about her and I would never matter. I found myself hoping and waiting for her to call and want to see me. I was just as empty and lonely then as I am now.

What I hate the most is I no longer recognize myself. I was not this person... .depressed unhappy lonely. I have great friends and family but even when I am around them I find no pleasure in it.

[going places]

Yeah so like who on here really needs another disorder term or acronym to deal with... .but I just did on a whim of frustration with myself... .So I just took an online PTSD quiz…feel like something is seriously wrong with me!

I'm really and truly a mess.  I just am struggling so awfully to get UNSTUCK.  I'm wallowing, ruminating, crying, questioning, feeling extraordinarily haunted by memories good and bad, dying for this to pass - yet feeling like it never will!  Yes, I've explored meetup.com and will definitely go to one soon.  I've even updated my online dating profile - but truly know I'm not ready for any of that yet.  I used to love working out and the gym is waiting for me.  I WILL go…soon.  I know I'll feel better once I start going, I do know that.  I walk my dog 3 times a day and have a good job.

You 'know' these things... .that's a start, and a good one.

You will get there... .when you are ready.

And that takes time.

Most friends & coworkers are busy with life and kids.  I have none.  Although I left my uBPDexh in a world of hurt over not being able to move forward without at least a child to carry on with - - I am now extraordinarily grateful that I will not have that lifelong attachment to him.  At the time that I was leaving and grieving so much (including not having had a child) I did not know about his substance abuse, criminal behavior, or BPD…Whoa the mother load!

My kids are adults, and so I am not 'attached' to my ex either! PHEW PRAISE THE LORD.

I didn't know about his 'secret double life'... .and when I found out, something in my brain... .snapped.

I could not handle one more thing, and that did me in.

Mother load, I understand.

I distinctly remember WANTING to love him more than I actually did.  I distinctly remember feeling totally disgusted with him and and the life I felt stuck in.  WHY, then WHY am I struggling so much to celebrate this freedom?

For me? It was years of abuse and programming.

For me, it was 'habit' and making things 'appear' to be better than what they were... .

Once I looked at things for WHAT they were and WHAT they will always be AND stopped fearing; I was able to break the habit and begin looking out for me... .healing me... .changing me... .focusing on me.

Why am holding on to what I know now was an illusion?  It's pretty damn simple and sad…I was in love with his love for me.  There was a time his actions met his verbal declarations of love.  Those actions were small and even when I begged, he could not offer more.  It never came to fruition.  Empty, very empty promises.  I actually remember having a very deep conversation with him and later couldn't believe that I actually had to explain to a grown man that having a home, building a business and tending to a healthy marriage would at some point need him to do more than cook a meal here and there and make me coffee in the morning.  Although those gestures were loving and fairly consistent, our grown up lives required much, much more.  He sent flowers at the drop of a hat when serious apologies were required, and bought gifts with ease.  Little did I know then that those efforts were not only in his tiny of basket of "Could-do's" but also fit into the compulsive/impulsive spending of a classic BPD.  It was a combination of the child in him and the part of him that was a self-serving psycho.  It's so incredibly difficult to wrap my head around all of this.

My ex never matured past age 13. Arrested Development.

He thought leaving me a note in the morning, making me coffee, and bringing home ice cream on Wed nights, was "workign on the marriage"... .He wanted me to throw a parade when he put away the laundry or cleaned up the dishes after dinner. When I didn't fawn all over him gushing with praise and adoration, he was sullen, sulked and pouted, gave me the silent treatment, ignored me... .etc.  

In that relationship I was incredibly lonely, dying to have genuine time to myself (away from his chaos), and constantly thought of a dozen things I would/could do to honor my soul…if I just had the chance.  So WHY am I sitting here like a wounded vegetable after being out of that house of horrors for months now?

When I looked at things for what they REALLY were, and saw that 25 years of my life was lies, manipulation and abuse; when I looked at the evil he did AS evil and not "just his quirky personality"... .when I faced the hard facts dead on THEN I began to heal. THEN I stopped holding on to the illusion. THEN THEN THEN I started setting goals and dreaming dreams FOR ME (and my kids)

That took time... .about 2.5 years... .and I got REAL low before I came up.

I had no one to help. No one to give advice. No one to guide... .

Seek out as much help as you can.

I finally did... .my doc recommended a place... .an abused woman's shelter... .and that is where I finally started to turn the corner... .that is when I realized, it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault, and I could have NEVER made it right, because of the abuse cycle I was in.

[Hope0807]

I hear you.  The toughest for me is lack of support.  My mom is bed bound and won't be around much longer.  I have no siblings and just two family members, one of whom is quite a distance away and the other who is very busy with her family.  They love me dearly and I know that.  Work colleagues/friends are wonderful and dear as well…but no one understands the magnitude of this trauma.  I'm needy beyond words and struggle to get through the minutes of every day.  I was once the strongest, most competent person I knew.  There are so many factors in my situation.  The business I created and managed was one that fulfilled purpose and passion and he now is running with that and using "replacements" in those and all areas of his life…and so much more.

Honestly, I need the type of person I would be to someone else going through this.  I need the type of rescuing I provided for my exBPD.  I managed his world and ran his life…hoping and praying he would get it together.

I also struggle to find joy even when spending time around others.  I'm praying that gets better in time.  It has to get better, it just has to.

My relationship was exciting and awesome in the beginning. Towards the middle and end I fell into a deep depression. My thoughts needs and wants didn't matter at all. I realized the relationship was all about her and I would never matter. I found myself hoping and waiting for her to call and want to see me. I was just as empty and lonely then as I am now.

What I hate the most is I no longer recognize myself. I was not this person... .depressed unhappy lonely. I have great friends and family but even when I am around them I find no pleasure in it.

[going places]

I used to think I needed rescuing too... .then I realized, no one was there.

All I had was me (and God).

It has not been easy. It has been a struggle... .some days, I was so depressed, I could not get off the couch.

But I kept feeding my brain positives.

I cut the ex out of my life (blocked, threw him out, etc)

I started filling my head with my dreams, my hopes, my passions, and praying, begging God to heal my brain, and put me on His Path... .because I know He has plans to prosper me, not harm me.

After months of pain and anguish, I am turning the corner... .

[Hope0807]

goingplaces…

Wow, wow, and thank you, thank you!  Another fitting username.  I sobbed (hard!) reading through your entire reply.  I even got confused at one point and realized a portion of what you wrote was not my story, but yours…the coffee, ice cream…wanting a parade for the tiniest things…nearly identical oddities yet glaring insight into the "arrested development" for sure.

Would love to know more of your personal story if you would oblige communicating through PM or something.  Your wisdom is appreciated so much.  I want very much to find myself in a much better place and be able to share hope and wisdom on this website some day not too very far in the future.

Yeah so like who on here really needs another disorder term or acronym to deal with... .but I just did on a whim of frustration with myself... .So I just took an online PTSD quiz…feel like something is seriously wrong with me!

I'm really and truly a mess.  I just am struggling so awfully to get UNSTUCK.  I'm wallowing, ruminating, crying, questioning, feeling extraordinarily haunted by memories good and bad, dying for this to pass - yet feeling like it never will!  Yes, I've explored meetup.com and will definitely go to one soon.  I've even updated my online dating profile - but truly know I'm not ready for any of that yet.  I used to love working out and the gym is waiting for me.  I WILL go…soon.  I know I'll feel better once I start going, I do know that.  I walk my dog 3 times a day and have a good job.

You 'know' these things... .that's a start, and a good one.

You will get there... .when you are ready.

And that takes time.

Most friends & coworkers are busy with life and kids.  I have none.  Although I left my uBPDexh in a world of hurt over not being able to move forward without at least a child to carry on with - - I am now extraordinarily grateful that I will not have that lifelong attachment to him.  At the time that I was leaving and grieving so much (including not having had a child) I did not know about his substance abuse, criminal behavior, or BPD…Whoa the mother load!

My kids are adults, and so I am not 'attached' to my ex either! PHEW PRAISE THE LORD.

I didn't know about his 'secret double life'... .and when I found out, something in my brain... .snapped.

I could not handle one more thing, and that did me in.

Mother load, I understand.

I distinctly remember WANTING to love him more than I actually did.  I distinctly remember feeling totally disgusted with him and and the life I felt stuck in.  WHY, then WHY am I struggling so much to celebrate this freedom?

For me? It was years of abuse and programming.

For me, it was 'habit' and making things 'appear' to be better than what they were... .

Once I looked at things for WHAT they were and WHAT they will always be AND stopped fearing; I was able to break the habit and begin looking out for me... .healing me... .changing me... .focusing on me.

Why am holding on to what I know now was an illusion?  It's pretty damn simple and sad…I was in love with his love for me.  There was a time his actions met his verbal declarations of love.  Those actions were small and even when I begged, he could not offer more.  It never came to fruition.  Empty, very empty promises.  I actually remember having a very deep conversation with him and later couldn't believe that I actually had to explain to a grown man that having a home, building a business and tending to a healthy marriage would at some point need him to do more than cook a meal here and there and make me coffee in the morning.  Although those gestures were loving and fairly consistent, our grown up lives required much, much more.  He sent flowers at the drop of a hat when serious apologies were required, and bought gifts with ease.  Little did I know then that those efforts were not only in his tiny of basket of "Could-do's" but also fit into the compulsive/impulsive spending of a classic BPD.  It was a combination of the child in him and the part of him that was a self-serving psycho.  It's so incredibly difficult to wrap my head around all of this.

My ex never matured past age 13. Arrested Development.

He thought leaving me a note in the morning, making me coffee, and bringing home ice cream on Wed nights, was "workign on the marriage"... .He wanted me to throw a parade when he put away the laundry or cleaned up the dishes after dinner. When I didn't fawn all over him gushing with praise and adoration, he was sullen, sulked and pouted, gave me the silent treatment, ignored me... .etc.  

In that relationship I was incredibly lonely, dying to have genuine time to myself (away from his chaos), and constantly thought of a dozen things I would/could do to honor my soul…if I just had the chance.  So WHY am I sitting here like a wounded vegetable after being out of that house of horrors for months now?

When I looked at things for what they REALLY were, and saw that 25 years of my life was lies, manipulation and abuse; when I looked at the evil he did AS evil and not "just his quirky personality"... .when I faced the hard facts dead on THEN I began to heal. THEN I stopped holding on to the illusion. THEN THEN THEN I started setting goals and dreaming dreams FOR ME (and my kids)

That took time... .about 2.5 years... .and I got REAL low before I came up.

I had no one to help. No one to give advice. No one to guide... .

Seek out as much help as you can.

I finally did... .my doc recommended a place... .an abused woman's shelter... .and that is where I finally started to turn the corner... .that is when I realized, it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault, and I could have NEVER made it right, because of the abuse cycle I was in.