What to do about extended silent rage?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have a lot of questions, but I am going to start with my most immediate problem.  I am trying to disengage and take a time out from my h's angry silent treatment, but it has been going on for over 48 hours now.  I think he is getting more angry that I am not sticking around being miserable with him.  I told him that I am sorry that he is upset, and to let me know if there is anything I can do to help, and then went to do something in another part of the house.  He has been holed up in the bedroom most of the past two days.  When he ventures out, I will try to initiate friendly contact by saying "Hi" or "What are you up to?" but I am met with terse replies and the cold shoulder.  Every so often I will try to check in and reiterate that I am sorry that he is upset and to let me know if there is any way I can help.

This is different behavior for me, as I usually beg and plead with him to talk to me, apologize profusely for perceived slights, and try to do whatever I can to make it end.

I really just want to run away and not deal with him at all until he is over it, but that probably isn't practical.  What should I do?

[maddykins]

I have a lot of questions, but I am going to start with my most immediate problem.  I am trying to disengage and take a time out from my h's angry silent treatment, but it has been going on for over 48 hours now.  I think he is getting more angry that I am not sticking around being miserable with him.  I told him that I am sorry that he is upset, and to let me know if there is anything I can do to help, and then went to do something in another part of the house.  He has been holed up in the bedroom most of the past two days.  When he ventures out, I will try to initiate friendly contact by saying "Hi" or "What are you up to?" but I am met with terse replies and the cold shoulder.  Every so often I will try to check in and reiterate that I am sorry that he is upset and to let me know if there is any way I can help.

This is different behavior for me, as I usually beg and plead with him to talk to me, apologize profusely for perceived slights, and try to do whatever I can to make it end.

I really just want to run away and not deal with him at all until he is over it, but that probably isn't practical.  What should I do?

[harbour]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I understand that you live with this guy. 48 hours is a long time to live with this, being with him under the same roof.

You have done all you could.

I think that I would set boundaries here. By telling him, calmly and as affectionate as I could: I feel sorry for you, but I have my needs too and my limits for what I can bear. I can not bear being near your silence any longer. Please talk to me. If you cannot or will not, I will go and stay with ? until you will talk to me. You can call me any time. I will be back when you feel ready to talk to me.

We should protect ourselves. And I don't believe that it helps our BPD partner to always disregard our own needs. I think they need us to set boundaries.

[sdyakca]

Hello and keep up the good work. Wow, I couul replace my my wife  for your husband on your story almost exactly. Hang in there if feel your pain.

[Gimme Peace]

Maddykins... .I am going through the exact same thing right now. Bailed on work today, blamed me for all his problems. He's been holed up in the bedroom sulking for 2 days.   Except for last night when he took me the ER for chest pains (nothing serious, just stress). It's been hard, he won't talk to me or act caring, he was very cold in the hospital, not making eye contact, I'm painted completely black right now and he's mental... .staring, silent, red face, evil stares.

Best of luck to you and me in getting through this. 3 days ago, he was the happiest guy on earth and we watched a beautiful sunset together on the beach. Now this out of nowhere. So bizarre.

[adventurer]

I am going through the same thing and called my wife on her silent treatment last night.  She claimed /I/ was the one giving /her/ the silent treatment.  I reminded her of all the specific instances in the past 2 days that I attempted to engage her in conversation, hug, kiss, tell her I loved her and was met with a brick wall.

I told her it was totally fine for her to be upset and I said she could go silent if she chose, but that she could not expect me to give her the emotional support that she was seeking when she is in such a state.  I told her she would need to learn how to deal with her bad feelings instead of expecting me to take care of it for her.

I'm not sure if this discussion will bear any fruit.  She slept on the couch last night and now has moved back to the bedroom.  I have looked into myself and how upset I get at the silent treatment and realize that I feel emotionally abused by this treatment.  I will not tolerate it any longer.

When I feel the silent treatment occurring, my plan for the future is to mention that it seems to be happening, that I am available for conversation when she is ready, but that I feel uncomfortable and bad around her silence and will be removing myself from that situation until she is able to talk to me again.

[michel71]

Maddy I am sorry that you are suffering under this torture. It really is a form of torture and so very controlling and cruel. At the beginning of our relationship, my wife would do this to me. It was particularly hard because I was visiting her in her country and we only had a limited time together. It would go for days, interspersed with me trying to talk to her and then only making it worse. Those were super red flags that I chose to ignore.

Fast forward to the present, the silent treatments have been replaced by ongoing arguments, those lasting for days. Never a resolution, just on a roll. Honestly, that kind of tension may be worse than the silent treatment because the in your face confrontation forces a dialog. At least with silence you know YOUR roll, which is to avoid and go about your business, hard as it is.

These people are just so damn cruel. As much as I have learned about BPD, I still find myself saying, "how could they do that to somebody that they love?" For us nons, it simply is unthinkable.

I will tell you that for me the silent treatment begat silent treatment by me. After awhile it became common place. Not good but it did.