My partner of two years (on n off) loves me and then over me

[mangopanda]

I want to call them my partner but we continuously ride this coaster of working on things, working on understanding each other better, working on communicating, and it always appears out of the blue that they no longer have an interest in our relationship. in the past i handled it in the wrong ways, i constantly called or reached out to them to understand what i did wrong for them to refuse contact with me for an extended period. From listening to them over the many times we've reconciled, I've often said one thing that completely crushed them and they could no longer trust me for it.

The most recent time it was different, I told them I felt the disinterest coming on and that I needed to step back at least until he feels like he can care about me or has an interest in our relationship. I didn't want to put myself in a position where I was doing more harm than good by allowing them to treat me however they wanted because he believes it's no longer necessary for me to care about him or our relationship... .

It's very hard because for two years it's been on and off like this, I've started therapy myself just to resolved my own unhealthy habits, but I don't want to lose my love in the process of growing... .

When he loves me it's so profound and he'll write me letters of things he learned in the time we don't talk and how much I mean to him, but I always know it's a matter of time before he wakes up and isn't wild about me anymore.

I always feel dumb holding on to someone who isn't there, but he always comes back. I've accepted his disorder, I've accepted that in moving forward into a relationship with him, that this is the course I am choosing. It just gets hard because I sometimes feel so alone, I can't talk to anyone without them calling him an abuser or crazy, and I don't think those things are who he is at all. He's so warm, and passionate, and funny, and when he loves it feels like the most incredible thing in the world...

I don't know what response I'm looking for but I just want some assurance that I'm not making a mistake in choosing to continue a relationship with him. I love him so much as a person, this aspect of our relationship, the moments of absence, just get hard, so hard